I learned about three days ago that i got a new time at the transsexual expert doctors (I still have no idea what to call them) in Uppsala. The new time is the 18th of June. So it’s less than a month, and that makes me excited! I was expecting that i would have to wait until the end of summer for a new time with them, but luckily, that wasn’t the case.
So with excitement and nervousness for the next encounter (Because i have no idea what they’re gonna say. Jocelyn ensured me that it was a good sign though), i am now going day by day with the usual chores, job days and meeting friends and such.. Actually, i just started seeing a friend quite regularly. He seemed to enjoy the nightly walks that i always take, so i’m expecting he’ll be keeping me company for quite some time. And i welcome it!
And the last thing i would like to write about is this blog, itself. I seem to have neglected it quite a bit. I don’t know if it’s because of laziness or if it’s because for the first time, i finally get to talk about my transsexuality with people. Sure, it’s still difficult to talk about, and i can be more open here.
But anyway! I’ll do my best to update more regularly.
My trip to Uppsala to meet with the experts on transsexuals. Finally starting transition. The interview. Lots of trans questions and thoughts. The old city and the complex of a hospital. Pictures inside. This is the big post, everyone!
I spent the whole day yesterday traveling to and from Uppsala, which is where the experts on transsexuals are. And needless to say, it was a fantastic day. Not only did the meeting go well, but i got to see a little of another town for once. I don’t get to do that very often, so that was a nice bonus. But let’s start from the beginning! I won’t spare any details!!
Pre train trip and fate of my bike?
I woke up at around 7am, to get ready for the train that left at 8:18am. Nothing eventful that morning. Just very nervous. And about 10 minutes before the train would come, and i was about to lock my bike, the lock broke. So i figured. I could either skip this trip just because my bike won’t be safe, and buy a new lock instead, or(!) i could just kinda ish make it seem like my bike was locked and hope that no one touches it before i get home again. Obviously, the first option wasn’t even a consideration! But it was fun kind of thinking if i did that. I would be disappointed in myself if i did.. But hey! More on the fate of my bike later in this post!
So i did the former, and pseudo locked my bike, and jumped on the train! Now, just to give some context. Last fall, i tried to do (If that is how you say it) college. A college that was about two hours away by buss/train (You had to switch mid way), and back then, when i attempted that, i was under a lot of stress. I’d like to think its contributed from an age long since past, when one bad thing happened after another, and i decided to go closeted instead of being open with myself.. But i digress.
Anxiety story and the happy trip to Uppsala
I was under a lot of stress. I had, and still has to a certain extent, anxiety disorder. Something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But back then, i wasn’t able to take the train without flat out bursting out in tears. It was so bad that, at around the end when i had to decide to stop doing college (Which was a little more than a month in), i would sooner walk 1/4th of the way instead of taking the bus. Something that took well over 4 hours to do.
But anyhow. That’s the context. Now, i could actually spend the about two hours on the train, without ever feeling horrible. So that was a huge step for me. I had kind of been a little worried that i might have to suffer through the anxiety of travel with this trip, but luckily, i didn’t. So instead, i got to listen to some podcast and read some news. A really nice trip to Uppsala.
Arrival and complex of a hospital
Then i got there, and just to give you an idea, it is very much spring here in Bollnäs right now, but down in Uppsala (I know.. Weird thing to say. Down in Up-sala, to translate), it was summer. No cool or fresh winds there. Flat out summer. Not that i minded it too much. I was way too excited to care. I didn’t even take off my sweater until much later, that’s how excited i was. Didn’t even care about the heat!
So i walked from the station to the Academic hospital (Which is what it’s called). Didn’t even take 30 minutes until i saw it. This huge complex of a hospital. I only have a few pics of the exterior of the particular hospital building that i was supposed to go to; i’ll remember to take more pics next time i go.
So at the hospital, i decided i would find the main entrance Something that took about ten minutes to find. Ten minutes of getting lost in a maze of corridors. But i eventually found it, at the very end of where i started (So i apparently, i started at the end, and had to work my way down to the beginning). Let’s just say that they had numbered everything from 10 to 70. Maybe that will give you a small idea of how big it was. It was probably more than 70 too.
So yes, i went to the reception at the main entrance where i was directed to the correct building (Which was the first building i saw).
Strangely, but perhaps not unexpectedly it was the most futuristic looking of the buildings in the hospital complex. Imagine mirrors edge, only even more minimalist. I mean, in the foyae, they had a huge branch-less and leaf-less tree-like pole, in the middle of a 6cm (Give or take) rectangular pool.. I don’t know, it was really cool and very well designed. It tickled my fancy.
But to make 15 minutes short, i tried different receptions in that building, and about four (Not counting the one i went to at the main entrance of the complex) or so re-directions later, i was eventually directed to the right place. And as a note, i would like to say that i did get a paper from them, telling me exactly where i should go.. Unfortunately, i didn’t bring it with me. Could have saved me a lot of time and hassle, but oh well. I was too excited to care!
The trans interview!
So at this point, i’m waiting for a doctor to come and get me, at the waiting room of this subsection of this building of this complex. Unless it wasn’t clear enough, this is a fucking huge hospital.
Very excited, i waited. Not listening to anything, not doing anything. Just looking around a little. And then the doctor came to get me, led me to a room in this sub…. Ok, i’ll stop!
So he begins talking with me. Now, there were a lot of questions, and i don’t remember all of them, but i’ll try to tell the good bits and what i can remember. So first, the plan! Both at the beginning and the end of the meeting, he (My doctor’s a trans man) tells me about the plan we have. So first, there’s the initial interview to get a crass idea of where i stand and how i feel about myself, and then there’s the meetings with a few other experts that are gonna get involved (Endo doctor, plastic surgery doctors, other experts in the field, etc). He told me that the way they usually do it is to have a full year of “Making sure”. A process i’m ok with. It sucks i have to, but i understand that we have to. I mean, it is a big thing after all, no matter how sure you are. And besides, it’s almost 100% payed for by the tax payers in Sweden.. Soo…. You know.
Anyhow! As for the questions! I made a Q&A with Jocelyn quite a long time ago, and it kind of reminded me of the questions i asked there. So if you would, please check that one out. Because it reminded me of a big chunk of those questions. But i’ve delayed enough: He asked me things like how often i like to dress up, how i feel when i do it, when i don’t do it; how i feel about my body, if i can look at it; he asked me if i had considered if i was just a crossdresser, androgynous gender queer, gender fluid, etc. And i have to say, for an initial interview, it was quite extensive. I didn’t even get to everything i wanted to say. I remember saying that i follow other transsexuals on the internet, and how i even read a comic with that central theme. And some other less impactful (for me at least) and non-relevant questions was like, if English was my native language or not. Cause a lot of the time, when i speak, i struggle to find the proper Swedish words for things, because i don’t know that many, apparently And he also asked about my sexuality, if i was bi, homo, hetro, or something like that. So it was a fairly relaxed and a pretty extensive interview.
Personally, i wouldn’t read too much into it, because every transsexual i know of has said that it’s different for everyone. We’re all different in how we feel and how our process will be towards SRS, transition and all that. And i hope, and very much think that the doctors knows that. You know.. For instance, you can’t very well expect someone to absolutely have to be 100% girly (And vise versa for trans men) in order to qualify as a transsexual. That would be pretty sexist to be honest, male or female. But i don’t expect the worst of the doctors, nor am i very involved at the moment. We’ll have to see what they have to say, and what they can discern.
At the end of the interview, i told him that i’m 99.99% sure of myself, and how my not being 100% is just because i don’t think you can know something for a 100% fact. And that i was really happy to finally start my transition. I’ve noticed my stress getting less and less pronounced as the days go by, and at the moment, i feel really good. Better than i have in a very very very long time. Very long time!
There you have it. The interview. The juicy bits. They told me that i would get a letter for the next appointment in a month or two (They didn’t say that specifically, but they said that summer is coming, and with it, vacations . And, it takes time to talk things through with doctors).
And before i change subject to the rest of the trip, i would just like to say that i didn’t get to say everything i wanted to say. Like my blog. I didn’t think to bring it up in this first interview. Nor did i get to tell more about a certain moment in my life that i’ve been wanting to make a video of for a long time. And i hope my fears for surgery (Because i have a fear of that in general) didn’t make it seem like something else. But other than that, i think i handled it very well.
A long way home! A long wait.. (Picture album)
Now i’m going out of the modern looking building, and with that starts the 4 hour long wait until the train home arrives.. So naturally, i decided to do some sight seeing. I have some pictures and a short video of it, so i’ll let those do most of the talking.
The building of the complex that i went to
I really loved the forest path they had there, that lead up to the castle (16th-century castle), and the sight from there was pretty great too. Then i went through the streets of the ancient city that used to be there. There was a cathedral and a bunch of really old (But slightly refurnished looking buildings, and just enjoyed the wonderful weather. At this point, i’m well into chatting with Jocelyn too. I had to tell her that everything went well, and how great everything was. Shared the moment with her, so to speak. We also got a little serious (As we tend to do) with transsexuals and bragging too. How progress pics are so often misconstrued as bragging by a lot of transsexuals. And how their envy shouldn’t be considered. Because like she said, she posts the progress pics to be an inspiration. Which is how we both view it.
But yea.. One burger king visit and a bunch of fumbling around in the city later, i finally sit down at the train station, just to listen to a podcast and rest out for a bit. Because at this point, i’ve been active since around 7am to that point. And with no nervousness and a place in the shade to sit, i could finally breathe out, and relax.
Trip home and wrapping up. Some words of advice and comfort!
The trip home was uneventful, just how i wanted it. Had to make a switch half way, and the trains i took were a little slower. So the trip home took longer than two hours. At around 7pm, i finally get home though. Do you remember what i said earlier in this post? About my bike? Well, it was still there!! Lucky for me, no one had touched it. Unlucky though, i had to go to a store about 20 minutes from the train station, to get a new lock for my bike. So i got there and got a new lock, and then went home. Which was about another 20 minutes or so. At around 8pm, i was sitting at home, and that is where our journey ends.
I’m hoping for an answer as soon as possible. But no matter what, i think i’m stuck in a year long waiting time to start the transition proper (They said hormones would be the first step. And i agree). It’s great having some trans news for once, and wow was it an update indeed. I hope some people found this useful. Even if you just read the interview part of it. As long as you can get something from this, i’m glad! Maybe it’ll give you a good idea of what to expect or how it must feel for people like me.
So i’ve gotten another time at the expert’s (That’s what i’ll call them. I’m done trying to think up other professional terms to describe what type of person i’m seeing). Apparently, it’s another doctor; the other doctor was still sick, it seemed. Either way, i’m just happy to go down there.
Both the doctor that i was supposed to have seen last time, and this new one that i’m going to instead, seem to both be transsexuals themselves. And i don’t have any reason, other than their names, to suspect that. It seems that, when people get to pick their own names, they tend to pick some very unique ones (For the country, that is). I mean, i call myself Jenna. A name that is quite common in America, apparently, but not so much in Sweden, i can assure you. The doctor i’m seeing has a very delightful name too, and a non-transgender friend i have changed her name to “Yue”. To me, though, it’s usually a sign of a transsexual. Because unless you have a unisex name (Like Kim), and you like it, you will most likely change your name.
But i digress. I’ve ordered my tickets and will be heading up there around 8am, in time for my appointment at 11am. Feeling pretty eager to go. It’s been too long of a waiting time, and i’m ready!
Other than this, not much has been going on in my life. Not that i’m complaining. Sometimes, it’s good when things are slow. It was a wonderful day yesterday. Reason why i love spring, for sure. That kind of weather!
I guess there’s one other thing on my mind though.. Something that i wouldn’t mind getting an answer to. I’ve been trying to get in contact with someone who i used to chat with all the time, but all of a sudden decided to not reply anymore. And i just don’t know what to make of it. Because i considered her my friend, but what kind of friend just ignores you out of the blue? You know, just one day, leaves without saying as much of a beep. And i know for a fact that she’s seen what i’ve written, and that she’s there, and available.. You know.. Enough to tell me that she’s busy or doesn’t have the time. Anything!
I just don’t know. Is it too much to ask of someone to show respect, have some etiquette and to just be friendly? My lesson is that, unless i get some other type of contact with that person (Any other than just text), i don’t think i could consider it much of a friendship. So yes. Kind of bummed about this. But oh well.
Today, i’ve been looking at google maps a lot. Found some interesting stuff. Like the country inside of south Africa… Can’t remember the name now, but it had the highest rape rate of any country on earth according to UN. Which… Sources may be debatable, but a lot of people are raped there, it seemed. A more light note on that country was that, it was interesting to learn that due to the high altitudes, they actually got snow there.
Then i found some islands in the middle of the ocean called “Heard island & McDonald island”.. It’s a deserted antarctic island with a volcano called “Big ben”, owned by Australia since 1960ish. Very funny to find that.
Aside from looking at google maps for places, i’ve been to my brother for a little while. Watched some videos and talked a little (Some about a documentery he saw about torture. Disgusting and it doesn’t work, seemed to be the name of the game. And yea, i am unconvinced that it works from earlier). I went mainly to get exercise (Like the doctor told me. Brisk walks). I’m still not 100%, of course, so i couldn’t walk too briskly. On the way home, i found some bird just standing in the middle of an off-beat path i choose to take. I stopped when i was right beside it, and it didn’t fly away. Pretty random, and cute. It did eventually fly off when i took a small step towards it though.
Earlier, i got into a mini argument on twitter with a Creationist. Yes! I found out he didn’t know what evolution even was (He thought it explained the physical world). He denied my accusations. Flat out ignored my proof of him not understanding it. After which, i just told him to read up on it and then we’ll talk. The final thing he told me was that i didn’t understand his position, and that “evos like me”.. Something, something. It ended in irony, in other words.
You can go on my twitter page to see it for yourself, if you’d feel so inclined, but that’s the short version. He tried the standards: Science lingo, “big words”, over-complication, etc. Just pathetic. But what can you do? Hehe!
Just got done doing the training the doctor told me to do too. Three different exercise. Toe-ups (Ionno the actual english names of these), sit-ups and out-stepping. Feeling a bit achy a little here and there now… Which means it worked. So it feels great to have finally started it.
I’ll do the recommended amount he started off with, but will, as he told me to, increase the amount as time goes on. That is how training works after all.
And finally, i applied for a job as a telephone person in Norway. It seemed pretty cool, and i think i might have some chances with it.
That’s that. Tomorrow, at 6pm, i’m going down to my brother to watch the Nintendo press conference at E3. It’ll be a lot of fun! Saw the microsoft one today, and was underwhelmed. It was better than last time when they got a circus show, though.
I haven’t watched it yet, but i decided to look up a video, showcasing all the minigames in Pokémon stadium 1:
I used to play that game quite a bit, and we had a lot of fun with the minigames. So it’ll be a nostalgia trip for me. (:
It’s been about a month of blogging already. That’s crazy! To think that about a month ago, i fealt completly hopeless about everything. And now, i’m having a meeting (Hopefully the last one — regarding whether or not i get internship there or not — with this particular company) with a company, and a date to go see the doctor about my leg.
That being said, i ahve to say that i am feeling a bit bad today. Not too bad, i suppose, but still. A little stress over tomorrow’s meeting, and some back and leg pains. Nothing too major, just a little annoying.
On tuesday, i’ll be going to my brother’s place to stay with him for a few days. From tuesday to friday. So that’ll be great. Some change of scenery and pace. We could play some games and stuff. I think it’ll be fun, and ultimately, good for me. Even if i feel a bit sucky cause of my current condition. Being more social is a good thing, Jenna. Note to self.
It does make me think about gender too. The feeling i have is a bit complicated to get down most of the time. But i will do my best when i feel that i can explain it better. Which i have been able to in the past. But from what i can gather, it’s gender dysphoria. I wish i was a woman. I will, in due time. Things will get better on that front too.
I made some smaller changes to my life blog page too. So now it’s showing some RSS from my youtube favorites and my tweets. That’s basically it. Then i did the usual. Some bike rides, walks.. Played some golden sun too. Finally got the western sea. Got about three major dungeons left in the game. Two of them are freaking awesome, and one’s kind of annoying. There are only two dungeons in it that i find a little confusing. Two that i can’t seem to remember very well. Reading the dialog of the NPCs is just awesome though. The writing in the game is pretty good considering what it is (A very by the book JRPG for the most part). I get some chuckles and laughter, and even some “hum..”. Almost done now though. Gonna do some alternative bosses too.
Been trying to cheer up my mom a little too. She’s been pretty low as of late. Cause her back started aching a lot again. She’s been having a lot of issues with it in the past. A lot of permanent damage due to a birth defect where two of her disks in the spine were grown fused together. Can’t be easy for her..
But anyway.. Overall, it’s been a pretty vanilla sunday. No somberness, sadness, and not too much stress or anything. Tomorrow, i’ll be going down to talk about internship, and i’ll listen to penn’s sunday school. I never ended up drawing mohamed. I might do it later though. As a “late day” thing. I mostly didn’t do it because i can’t be bothered to plug in my big PC. Too lazy.
Saw this video with John Cleese:
A funny video where he totally disses America’s favorite sport. Totally funny, and he has a good point.
I’ve started to realized that a lot of my bad feelings come from my leg. My back hurts because i more than likely am walking very strangely. Like i mentioned before, it’s probably because of my knees. But i won’t say anything for a fact until i’ve gotten into contact with a doctor.
Which is what i did earlier today. I really hate how you always get bounced around to people until you get anywhere. I’m currently stuck at a place i need to call between 9am and 10am tomorrow. So we’ll see if i can get a time then, and have them look at it. At which time, i hope they’ll actually send me to a doctor. They’re practitioners or something. The first place i called told me i had to consult with them first. But i highly doubt it’ll help with just them. I mean, i don’t have to be a fucking expert to know what’s part of me is currently fucking up. Right now, it’s my left leg that’s been swollen for two years, and it’s gotten worse. To the point where my back is hurting. More than likely because i walk funny, as i stated earlier.
Sorry if anything i say right now is disjointed and kind of ranty.. but hey.. I ranted to my family earlier today about it too. It should be fun to hear what they’ll say, when i finally do get to meet somebody.
Anyway.. Earlier this morning, i went down to the place where i was gonna go to talk about an eventual internship. Since i already ranted, i will put this shortly..
Came down there, searched for the place where they were, couldn’t find them, called them, didn’t get an answer, searched some more, got a call from the boss (The guy i called), he was at the hospital with his kid, told me they didn’t have any sign or anything, which explained why i didn’t find it right away, ended up post-poning the meeting until tomorrow.. I won’t get to talk to him them, but at least talk to someone in the company. And then.. maybe.. I have a good feeling about it though. He was rather persistent for me to have that meeting with someone in the company, and it seems i’m gonna earn a little on the side as well. Even though it’s technically just internship. Which is money i don’t have to pay taxes for or anything.. That’s called “moonlighting”(?), i think. Probably not. Either way. Tomorrow, i’m gonna go down there again.
Got the mattress from my sister, talked a little with her. She was gonna watch the last few episodes of desperate housewives. Like saying good bye to a friend, she told me. hehe! I know how it is. It’s never fun ending a series, or a journey of any kind, really. Always a bitter sweet thing, that.
I never ended up cleaning my bike, because the weather has been too unstable today. Seriously. It’s been raining, sunny and windy. Very spring-esque weather.
And finally, it made me slightly depressed this morning when hearing about Penn’s experience with losing his mom, on Penn’s sunday school.
So quite a busy day, kind of. Tomorrow will be day 23, the continuation. Haha!
It’ll be a lot of fun. I should take some time to do more on the pic too. Haven’t done it in a few days now.
Was reading a lot of oatmeal earlier. Something i highly recommend: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/airplane_layout
I also wrote a little about abortion on my Jenappendices blog: http://jenappendices.tumblr.com/post/23035214649/practically-illegal