A Ramble On Gender Identity.

This is going to be unedited and very rambly. So don’t say i didn’t warn you!

When i was younger, my oldest sister would tell me the name i would have gotten if i was born a girl.
That memory lingers with me to this day.

I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of disattachment to my own body. I look myself in the miror, but i don’t quite see what i wish was there. It couldn’t be my body, because i remember when i started developing a sixpack back when i was much more fit, i was mortified. Somehow, being more fat makes me feel a little better, because it does mask those features. It’s not what i want.
And i’m not too happy about other more male features with myself either… Some of the time. A lot of the time, i can stomach all of it except explicitly being called a man or dude or whatever. That just sits wrong with me all the time. But so does being called a woman when i’m obviously presenting male.

I have had to learn the whole nature aspect of the difference between men and women. Whereas it came naturally to everyone around me, i just couldn’t for the life of me understand why everyone made such a big deal about someone being a girl or a boy. I understand it on an intellectual level now, but being bi, i still don’t make the difference between men and women. For me, it just doesn’t matter. But i do understand the difference, and it’s something that’s good to be aware of. Men tend to be more aggressive and women tend to be more nurturing. The differences that can be attributed generally to men and women are there. It’s nature! Anyone can look up the differences of brain anatomy, secondary sexual features and gender dimorphism.

I’m ok with being a man in society, because i definetely don’t feel the massive gender dysphoria that a lot of transsexuals feel. In fact, i question whether or not i even have it. Am i just gender confused? Am i trans?

One thing that’s holding me back is the frame i have to work with! I’m not so sure i would look so good as a woman. I mean, i enjoy the girlier things in life like makeup, skirts, nailpolish and stuff. But yeah..

Suffice it to say, i’m conflicted. Because i feel that i should just move on and live my life as it is, but on the other hand, these feelings keep plauging me. I can live this way fairly easily, but part of me doesn’t want to. I feel really good when i get to express myself this other way, but more than i’m happy to admit, i feel weird about it.

For several reasons, i decided to stop with my “investigation” (As they call it) in the transsexual clinic, because it just wasn’t worth it. The bad outweighed the good. What does that say about me? I’ve already admitted to myself that i don’t feel too strongly about it, but that there is some feeling there! So it would go without saying that my other priorities, which would have been impossible or more difficult to do if i had continued with the investigation, would take precedence.

Some of my friends have told me to try hormones for a few months to see how i feel after that. Or to just live as a woman for a while. But getting the hormones is a difficult task. Because either i have to go through the system where i get a million dumb questions just so that they can be sure that i’m of sound mind, or i get them illegally. But illegally would mean that i had to trust the person selling it, i would have to messure the effect myself, i would have to be careful about the dosage, etc.

I’m not sad about this at all. It just puts me in a very contemplative mood! Because i don’t really know what to make of these feelings!

Hierarchy of disagreement

I came across this in my facebook timeline recently, and i figured i would do an exercise where i try to replicate what the author had in mind for each of these segments.

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“That is, assuming communism even works. It’s proven that it doesn’t give those results (Soviet union, Cuba, North Korea, etc), and at best, it has yet to be proven.
In that case, i would think human nature dictates that we are competitive as well as compasionate. So a purely communistic society could never work, because it removes the competition completely, and no one is rewarded for harder work. I think a mix of socialism and capitalism is more in line with human nature. I base this on evolutionary theory (Survival of the fitest) and human psycology. Furthermore, i would like to point out that we’re not equal. We have different set of skills and those skills are valued differently depending on what time we’re living in (Blacksmithing was once a very valued skill, and coding is a valued skill in today’s society) and in what country we live in!”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“Women would still face sexism in the workforce. The pay was never a question, but it’s how women are treated (And men, too) in places where their gender isn’t, traditionally (Where they’re new). People need to be able to get to workplaces they want to be, and not be prohibited by their gender, or be made to feel uncomfortable because “their kind” are usually not the demographic. Source http://www.thenewpotato.com/2014/03/14/john-jannuzzi-on-bbq-and-being-a-straight-man-in-fashion/”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“There’s nothing in capitalism that excludes equal treatment of people in the workforce (And equal pay). I think going about it with “if everyone gets equal pay, that ends the wage issue”, is akin to saying that killing every elephant would end the unethical treatment of elephants. It’s technically true, but it introduces a plethora of new issues. What i’m saying is that you don’t have to use drastic methods.”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“Yet Capitalist systems around the world has made women more liberated than ever.”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“Sexism!? That word gets thrown around a little too much these days. It makes you seem like you’re very partial and brainwashed, to me!”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“Who are you, anyway? Just a fucking Stalin worshipper. Why don’t you pray to Stalin some more instead of wasting everyone’s time?”

“Communism will end most sexism because when we’re not competing with eachother over resources and everything is 100% fair, women don’t get left out in the dust with lower wages because they hold positions on jobs that are lower paying. Everyone gets their share, and that share is as big as the other’s.”

“Commie, fascist, Kenyan, Muslim, Atheist, Satanist, Liberal cunt!”

Keep in mind that this is just how i interpret it! I could be wrong on all points as far as i know. But it was fun to do, and i recommend other people try it as well!

Picture!

IMG_20130803_190356

While browsing some old pics, i found one that i find to be a lot more representative (If you will) of me. I Mean, do i need to go into how there will always be some pics that are less flattering and some that are more flattering? Out of hundreds of pics, i usually only get a handful that i find to be “good pictures” of me. It really is as they say. You are your worst critic.I find that to fit for me, at least.

But anyway. Without further ado, here’s the pic!

IMG_20130803_190356

New picture!

Well… That i’m using on the web, that is.

IMG_20130801_180246

I’m not afraid

I’ve been feeling pretty bad as of late. It’s a mix between the usual anxiety and the fact that days are getting much shorter (Seriously, I live two to four hours by by car from the arctic circle). But as any expert or amateur on anxiety will tell you. “Anxiety is your body’s way of telling that you need to change something in your life”. So naturally, under such huge amounts of it, I’ve been thinking of ways out.

So while I was out walking, I started thinking about what I should do.. I thought about the fact that I might not get a renewed contract at my work place next year (next October), that my hair is falling off, that I’m fat, and that living here is going to make me fade away into nothing. I figured I had to do something. Because I want to make something out of my life. I want to be somebody. I want to live as myself in a place I feel comfortable.

But.. There’s always a but. I have my comfort zone. I have a work here, I have relatives who helps me a lot. So how I could just pack and leave? I’d better not think of the what ifs. Because that’s not going to help me one bit. But there is a rational part of that. I have the support structure here. Over in some other place, I won’t. So it’s an undertaking. Or is it?

I figured, I need to get a perspective. I need to briefly get out of my comfort zone and weigh my options.
And what better way to do that than to visit my big sister down in Göteborg. Perhaps by doing that, I could get some perspective.

This song pretty much helped me come to this conclusion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRHAnHdfk6k&app=desktop

Losing weight and taking a step

I don’t particularly like being slightly overweight. But I can’t seem to place my health over the comfort of the stress relieving snacks. And that’s all it is. Health. Nowhere do I really care about my looks. In fact, last time I got some muscles to show, I had a panic attack and went into a depression. This was a long time ago now though.

Really, what all this means – Me being in all these pickles – is that I need to do some major change in my life. A major change I can’t seem to do. Mainly, I’m scared. I feel so safe where I am right now. How many tears and blog posts do I have to post before it really sinks in? I feel I’m retreading old ground, over and over again.

If I have the inclination tonight, I’m gonna look for jobs in Göteborg or something. That’s where I see a good future for me. All I have to do is to take that step.

Amazing Atheist and trans validation/acceptance

First of all, sorry for the inactivity. Summer’s been rough and i haven’t been in the mood for anything, lately! But i’m back now, and hopefully, i’ll get this blog back on its feet!

 

The last few posts have been about me venting. I got fed up with the trans community, and i’ve been venting my frustration. So i don’t think i’ve really made cogent points as of late. Nothing but venting, as a recent post is even called. Maybe this post won’t be much different, but maybe it can at least give you an idea of where my feelings come from.

A year (or so) back, i had a big argument with someone i used to call a good friend of mine. We argued about how GTAV had trans characters that you could kill and what not. She basically thought it would further the violence against transsexuals, while i argued that i think the makers of GTAV should be able to express themselves however they want, and that it would not further the violence against transsexuals, just like how guns in games won’t make people go berserk with guns.

Now, i’m fine with someone being allowed to express their opinion on something, and two people having a disagreement, but it was one specific logical fallacy that put me over the edge. Before going into it, let me tell you my mindset at the time. I was feeling very unsure of myself, and i seeked out the trans community for validation. I was very insecure about myself, and kind of felt that i had to act within certain parameters. All just for validation (From a bunch of idiots, really).

Anyway. The logical fallacy that she used was an ad hominem. She basically told me that i don’t know the strife of transsexuals or women, because i “haven’t been a woman long enough”. You can imagine that my fragile little ego got shattered. I didn’t call her out on the fallacy, because the huge disgust i felt at myself for not being a good enough woman. That’s how she made me feel, and i haven’t really been able to put this to rest up until now.

Been spending the whole year loving Drunken Peasants. Which stars TJ (The AmazingAtheist). As a sidenote, i’m currently working on a “best of” for their one year anniversary. But that’s neither here nor there!
To make a long story short, TJ has made me accept who i am. Because he’s put it in such eloquent terms, that logic and reason are the best tools you can use, and that no one should get to dictate how you act or feel about yourself.

I am myself, i know i’m a trans woman. I don’t have to act a certain way just to get someone’s validation. Because, guess what? You’re an asshole if you don’t consider me a woman, just because i don’t fit within your parameters of what a woman is.
This is what i feel the trans community and my used-to-be-good friend did to me. But TJ – a supposed misogynist, transphobic, racist homophobe – gave me that confidence and acceptance. That confidence and acceptance that these people never gave me.

Look! I’m usually a rational person about groups and what not (At least i’d like to think that). But i obviously had too much personal feelings attached to this specific thing! I wanted to be validated so bad, that i was blind to the absence of logic and rationality. All i can say is, thanks, TJ! I’m finally able to put these thoughts to rest, after thinking about it for so long.

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