While browsing some old pics, i found one that i find to be a lot more representative (If you will) of me. I Mean, do i need to go into how there will always be some pics that are less flattering and some that are more flattering? Out of hundreds of pics, i usually only get a handful that i find to be “good pictures” of me. It really is as they say. You are your worst critic.I find that to fit for me, at least.
But anyway. Without further ado, here’s the pic!
I’ve been feeling pretty bad as of late. It’s a mix between the usual anxiety and the fact that days are getting much shorter (Seriously, I live two to four hours by by car from the arctic circle). But as any expert or amateur on anxiety will tell you. “Anxiety is your body’s way of telling that you need to change something in your life”. So naturally, under such huge amounts of it, I’ve been thinking of ways out.
So while I was out walking, I started thinking about what I should do.. I thought about the fact that I might not get a renewed contract at my work place next year (next October), that my hair is falling off, that I’m fat, and that living here is going to make me fade away into nothing. I figured I had to do something. Because I want to make something out of my life. I want to be somebody. I want to live as myself in a place I feel comfortable.
But.. There’s always a but. I have my comfort zone. I have a work here, I have relatives who helps me a lot. So how I could just pack and leave? I’d better not think of the what ifs. Because that’s not going to help me one bit. But there is a rational part of that. I have the support structure here. Over in some other place, I won’t. So it’s an undertaking. Or is it?
I figured, I need to get a perspective. I need to briefly get out of my comfort zone and weigh my options.
And what better way to do that than to visit my big sister down in Göteborg. Perhaps by doing that, I could get some perspective.
This song pretty much helped me come to this conclusion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRHAnHdfk6k&app=desktop
I don’t particularly like being slightly overweight. But I can’t seem to place my health over the comfort of the stress relieving snacks. And that’s all it is. Health. Nowhere do I really care about my looks. In fact, last time I got some muscles to show, I had a panic attack and went into a depression. This was a long time ago now though.
Really, what all this means – Me being in all these pickles – is that I need to do some major change in my life. A major change I can’t seem to do. Mainly, I’m scared. I feel so safe where I am right now. How many tears and blog posts do I have to post before it really sinks in? I feel I’m retreading old ground, over and over again.
If I have the inclination tonight, I’m gonna look for jobs in Göteborg or something. That’s where I see a good future for me. All I have to do is to take that step.
First of all, sorry for the inactivity. Summer’s been rough and i haven’t been in the mood for anything, lately! But i’m back now, and hopefully, i’ll get this blog back on its feet!
The last few posts have been about me venting. I got fed up with the trans community, and i’ve been venting my frustration. So i don’t think i’ve really made cogent points as of late. Nothing but venting, as a recent post is even called. Maybe this post won’t be much different, but maybe it can at least give you an idea of where my feelings come from.
A year (or so) back, i had a big argument with someone i used to call a good friend of mine. We argued about how GTAV had trans characters that you could kill and what not. She basically thought it would further the violence against transsexuals, while i argued that i think the makers of GTAV should be able to express themselves however they want, and that it would not further the violence against transsexuals, just like how guns in games won’t make people go berserk with guns.
Now, i’m fine with someone being allowed to express their opinion on something, and two people having a disagreement, but it was one specific logical fallacy that put me over the edge. Before going into it, let me tell you my mindset at the time. I was feeling very unsure of myself, and i seeked out the trans community for validation. I was very insecure about myself, and kind of felt that i had to act within certain parameters. All just for validation (From a bunch of idiots, really).
Anyway. The logical fallacy that she used was an ad hominem. She basically told me that i don’t know the strife of transsexuals or women, because i “haven’t been a woman long enough”. You can imagine that my fragile little ego got shattered. I didn’t call her out on the fallacy, because the huge disgust i felt at myself for not being a good enough woman. That’s how she made me feel, and i haven’t really been able to put this to rest up until now.
Been spending the whole year loving Drunken Peasants. Which stars TJ (The AmazingAtheist). As a sidenote, i’m currently working on a “best of” for their one year anniversary. But that’s neither here nor there!
To make a long story short, TJ has made me accept who i am. Because he’s put it in such eloquent terms, that logic and reason are the best tools you can use, and that no one should get to dictate how you act or feel about yourself.
I am myself, i know i’m a trans woman. I don’t have to act a certain way just to get someone’s validation. Because, guess what? You’re an asshole if you don’t consider me a woman, just because i don’t fit within your parameters of what a woman is.
This is what i feel the trans community and my used-to-be-good friend did to me. But TJ – a supposed misogynist, transphobic, racist homophobe – gave me that confidence and acceptance. That confidence and acceptance that these people never gave me.
Look! I’m usually a rational person about groups and what not (At least i’d like to think that). But i obviously had too much personal feelings attached to this specific thing! I wanted to be validated so bad, that i was blind to the absence of logic and rationality. All i can say is, thanks, TJ! I’m finally able to put these thoughts to rest, after thinking about it for so long.
I’ve been doing a lot of venting and letting my emotions take over these past few years. I realize it’s a predominantly futile exercise, and for that, I’m sorry.
I know it’s ok to talk about your feelings with people you know and love, but it really shouldn’t leek out to the rest of the world.
I want to be the best person I can be, to everyone I meet. And not letting my emotions take over is the first step. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t as big an issue as you might think. I’ve never hurt anyone physically before, and I don’t go into heated screaming with people either. It’s just, sometimes, I let my anger leek out to the world by talking to myself angrily and showing a lot of signs of anger and frustration. And I don’t think it’s what I want to be.
I think it’s important to remember that life is short, and that you should make the best of it. To act like a douche, hold grudges, be angry; it’s all a waste of time at the end of the day, because you end up hurting yourself more than anyone by being all of those bad things.
I’m kind of drunk, so excuse me if this doesn’t make any sense. All I’m trying to say is that I want to better myself, and all this behavior I’ve felt has been rising in my life, is just unnecessary and stupid.
Today has not been a good day, and i feel that i have to rant!
I’m tired of academia who think they’re so fucking smart because they completed a bunch of cookie cutter, no critical thinking or actual understanding tests, that anyone with a fucking brain could have completed. You’re not special, you’re not smart, and you saying a bunch of fancy words, designed to confuse, doesn’t make you smart either! In fact, it actually makes you stupid, because you can’t even convey simple ideas. And for what? For the fear that your academia buddies will look down on you? You weak piece of shit!
I’m tired of feminists! Oh, god, am i tired of these fuckers! Logical fallacy doesn’t even begin to describe what you usually hear from these people! “You’re either with us or against us”, “She’s not a real feminist”, “You’re either a feminist or a woman hater”, the list goes on!
Also, it’s a group that is no stranger to being what they claim to hate! You will hear them say that sexism needs to stop, yet they go around and say that more men needs to be teachers, or “There aren’t enough women here *Gestapo voice*”.
“Trigger warning” is fucking moronic! You’re that much of a fucking child, that you can’t even take someone having a different opinion, or someone referencing something you don’t like? What’s wrong with you! Here’s an idea! Instead of demanding trigger warnings, grow up and realize that reading anything anywhere will probably trigger you, one way or another! Also! It’s not our fucking response to make sure that you’re not offended! You being offended doesn’t mean jack-fucking-shit!
And since we’re talking about being offended, let’s talk about ultra PC liberal fucking-wits! They think that the world will be a better place when people are forced to say “N-word” instead of “nigger”; “C-word” instead of “cunt”. They think that humanity will be better if everyone were super obsessed with not being offensive! They think comedy needs to be cleaned up, because “You can’t joke about everything”. YES! You fucking can! You can joke about whatever the fuck you want. If i want to make a joke about hitler raping a toddler while screaming nigger, i can! And i will! And if you don’t want to hear it, then guess what, fuck-face? You can just go away and think about others for a change.
Oh, what’s that? I’m calling you inconsiderate? How bizarre, right? No! You’re the one who refuses to fucking believe that people have different senses of humor. That people are different from you! You think everyone should like what you like! Fuck off!
Fuck greed! I’m so tired of greedy fucks who wants to squeeze every little million out of every situation! Even if it means fucking over millions of people in the process!
Fuck neo nazis! Read a history book, you blind, moronic, idiotic, vacuous, silly, stupid, insipid, little fucking twat!
And that goes for neo communists too!
You know what? Fuck gullibility! Fuck those idiots who get advanced degrees, yet they believe in crystals having magic powers!
Fuck religion! Especially the type of religion that forces itself on others! No, i don’t want to believe in your stupid nonsense or your god! I don’t need it in my life, i’ll be just fine! End of story!
And you know what? Fuck atheists too! They can be just as religious, if given the opportunity.
Fuck people who can’t think critically.
You know.. Let’s just fuck all of humanity. I’m so sick of stupid shit! People who aren’t challenged on what they believe, people who say dumb shit.. I’m endlessly frustrated at it all, and quite frankly, i’m amazed it hasn’t gone to total fucking shit already! It’s a miracle we still stand today.
I’m including myself in all of this criticism. Because i’m just as vulnerable to emotions. As this blog post clearly demonstrates. I’m just tired of it all. So god damned tired of stupidity. Why do i continue to care about it? I should just out right block every single thing that’s even remotely stupid. Eh.. Whatever! I’ll feel better tomorrow.