This is going to be unedited and very rambly. So don’t say i didn’t warn you!
When i was younger, my oldest sister would tell me the name i would have gotten if i was born a girl.
That memory lingers with me to this day.
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of disattachment to my own body. I look myself in the miror, but i don’t quite see what i wish was there. It couldn’t be my body, because i remember when i started developing a sixpack back when i was much more fit, i was mortified. Somehow, being more fat makes me feel a little better, because it does mask those features. It’s not what i want.
And i’m not too happy about other more male features with myself either… Some of the time. A lot of the time, i can stomach all of it except explicitly being called a man or dude or whatever. That just sits wrong with me all the time. But so does being called a woman when i’m obviously presenting male.
I have had to learn the whole nature aspect of the difference between men and women. Whereas it came naturally to everyone around me, i just couldn’t for the life of me understand why everyone made such a big deal about someone being a girl or a boy. I understand it on an intellectual level now, but being bi, i still don’t make the difference between men and women. For me, it just doesn’t matter. But i do understand the difference, and it’s something that’s good to be aware of. Men tend to be more aggressive and women tend to be more nurturing. The differences that can be attributed generally to men and women are there. It’s nature! Anyone can look up the differences of brain anatomy, secondary sexual features and gender dimorphism.
I’m ok with being a man in society, because i definetely don’t feel the massive gender dysphoria that a lot of transsexuals feel. In fact, i question whether or not i even have it. Am i just gender confused? Am i trans?
One thing that’s holding me back is the frame i have to work with! I’m not so sure i would look so good as a woman. I mean, i enjoy the girlier things in life like makeup, skirts, nailpolish and stuff. But yeah..
Suffice it to say, i’m conflicted. Because i feel that i should just move on and live my life as it is, but on the other hand, these feelings keep plauging me. I can live this way fairly easily, but part of me doesn’t want to. I feel really good when i get to express myself this other way, but more than i’m happy to admit, i feel weird about it.
For several reasons, i decided to stop with my “investigation” (As they call it) in the transsexual clinic, because it just wasn’t worth it. The bad outweighed the good. What does that say about me? I’ve already admitted to myself that i don’t feel too strongly about it, but that there is some feeling there! So it would go without saying that my other priorities, which would have been impossible or more difficult to do if i had continued with the investigation, would take precedence.
Some of my friends have told me to try hormones for a few months to see how i feel after that. Or to just live as a woman for a while. But getting the hormones is a difficult task. Because either i have to go through the system where i get a million dumb questions just so that they can be sure that i’m of sound mind, or i get them illegally. But illegally would mean that i had to trust the person selling it, i would have to messure the effect myself, i would have to be careful about the dosage, etc.
I’m not sad about this at all. It just puts me in a very contemplative mood! Because i don’t really know what to make of these feelings!
I felt a sense of apathy as i left the clinic today, and i’m not sure why.
Lately, i’ve been thinking about a future for me, and to put it simply. I don’t feel very confident that i can live as a woman. Maybe it’s an evil circle? Because i feel i have no emotional support because i only feel shame about me being transgender. And that shame makes me not want to be truly open about it..
Oh, god damn it! I don’t know why i’m even thinking so much on this! I was raised to be myself at all cost, so why can’t i just do that? Don’t think about it! Don’t spend blog post after blog post going through this, time and time again! For one, it’s not fair to the readers who might be tired of the same old shit over and over again, but more importantly, all i’m doing is treading old ground! I’m not actually helping anything by being this introverted..
Let’s talk about that! I’ve had a fear for my introversion for many years, and i think this is exactly why. Introversion is good to an extent, but if you’re like me, and you’re prone to being introverted, you know how horrible it can be. It forces you face off with your demons if you’re not careful! And i know that can be good sometimes. But in my case, not really. Because i know where i need to go. I’m not really lost per se. So a fight with my demons would only make me “confirm” irrational fears i have about the path i’m going.
I’m sure this all sounds like nonsense to anyone who isn’t really introverted. Am i insane? Am i extending the metaphor a little too much?
About that feeling of apathy! It’s just me thinking too much once again. Those are my true feelings on the matter. I tend to do this a little too much!
I’ve written about a transsexual friend of mine on her before, and linked to her transition donation fund. And now i wanna do that with another friend, who recently made it known that she needs some help.
I might not agree with some of the actions she’s taken with transition. But i do understand that desperate times require desperate measures. So i want to lend a hand as best i can, because she’s a good person. Sadly, i don’t have any money, and won’t have for who knows how long. But maybe anyone reading this does. If so, i would like you to help her monetarily. Heck, send her a PM of well wishes if you have the time to spare.
Here’s her page: http://www.gofundme.com/2cg8rw
Transition is a bitch! Let’s make it a little less bitchy for one individual.
Managed to have a pretty long dialog with someone. I consider it a success
Met my “go to nurse” earlier. Not entirely sure what she does that no one else does. But she’s who was assigned to me, a title like that.
I told her I was feeling much better and that I can’t wait to get home.
There. Done some downloading now. Got some videos to watch later.
Been thinking some more about my transsexuality. There’s a phrase in a song where he sings “poor him who carries a sky scraper on his shoulders! What is it that you don’t want others to see that everyone hasn’t already seen, and where is that sky scraper going?”
I need to throw away the sky scraper!
When I was younger, people used to tell me that I was in my own world, from time to time. I used to let my mind drift and lose focus. Lost in day dreams, as they say. I think I need to do more of that.
Maybe meditation is the new “zoning out” for me though. Because it always makes me feel better. Had a 20 minute session earlier.
Had a talk with the man from Iraq. He told me more about why he’s here and what he’s been through. Just like all Christian Iraquies, he’s had a life of persecution and imprisonment. His wife and daughter died by a suicide bomber. Over 200 people died in a church that day..
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.
Luckily, Sweden is open to a lot of people who needs the help.
Speaking of immigration. I’ve seen a lot of beggars with roses lately. Mostly women who try to use the gift of a rose and fake kindness to win you over, so that you’ll give them some money.. Yeah, my good will seizes completely when I’m being manipulated. I know they must be desperate, but come on.
Let’s talk a little about this clinic I’m staying in. I’ve had a really good experience so far. But I do have some complaints.
For one, I don’t get why I can’t be in someone else’s room. We’re all people here.. I don’t know. It seems that some rules are arbitrary. I can understand not being allowed to have cables lying around (because someone suicidal could snatch it and kill themselves… At least that’s what the nurses are saying. The rule came in place due to it happening a lot), but some things just seem dehumanizing.
I probably won’t be 100%ing Luigi’s mansion 2. Too hard and time consuming.
I decided to play some Mario 3d land instead.
I love my 3ds! Wish Majora’s mask would be released soon, though.
Just watched a vsauce3 video about what we see in the dark, and it turns out seeing strange patterns in the dark is normal. I always thought it was because my eyes were damaged in some way. And I don’t seek out the whys and ifs of anything the body does.
Strangely relieving to know.
Talking to people and meditating are key things to take away from this. Getting out of your comfort zone.
I feel so good just interacting. It makes me feel both stressed and exhilarated. I feel the stress will subside eventually.
I think I’ve found what is missing, and what I’m doing wrong. The answer was always there, but it’s more clear to me now than ever!
I can easily say that today was a huge success.
Had a longer talk with one of the women on the clinic, and I’ve been able to keep my stress at bay. Fantastic!
I opened up Facebook very briefly, to find that one of my tranny friends (it’s an endearing term we use) went to buy some wine using her new ID with her new name on it. And it went well with no hassles. I don’t know.. That made me so happy to hear!
The locksmith I borrowed WiFi from.
Currently outside, snitching some WiFi from some place.
Had a good sleep last night. I feel that I’ve learned a lot about my sleep while staying here. For one, I will stop eating breakfast directly after lunch, I will take a nightly walk about an hour earlier than before.
.. And I will not be sleeping with the TV on anymore. The computer will be turned off at night.
Exploring the outskirts of town now. Found a nice bench — on a forest path — to sit on.
Been thinking about my stress. I need to be able to tell myself that it’s all OK, and that nothing’s bad is gonna happen. I also don’t need to go anywhere. I am here now, and that’s that.
Yet, this eerie feeling is looming over me. A feeling of helplessness and fear. I should request to talk to someone once I get home, maybe.
I’ve lived like this for so long, that it becomes a big difficulty to just be happy. How I wish things could be easier.
Perhaps it all comes from a feeling of failure? I think everything’s gonna go to shit, just because I failed to be sociable, that one time today. I wrote down that I need to be able to handle downfalls better.
I’m going to socialize as soon as i get back, to see if I’ll feel better.
It seems to have helped. Currently trying to meditate.
I checked out what asmr is earlier. They talked about it on gamegrumps, of all things.
It’s when someone moves close in on the mic and talks in a very soft and quiet voice. Basically Bob Ross. Who, by the way, I should check out later. I wanna watch some videos where he paints. Only watched one in the past. I loved it!
Oh, and meditation is helping, but it’s slow. I can remain focus for about a minute, and I can remain in a session for about 15 minutes.
People often complain about hospital and school food.. I’m not one of them. I think it tastes awesome, to put it in general and blunt terms.
So now it’s time go outside, then Luigi’s mansion, then some video(s) and maybe some meditating.
I still need to address the big elephant in the room. My transsexuality.
I need to make an executive (I’m fancy with my fancy words) decision about me dressing the way I want. It will be done tonight.
Outside walking again. Based on a few signs I’ve seen here and there, people in this town seem very proud about their dialect/slang. You’ll see things like “körv”. If I find a sign or something that says “oshan” or something, I will take a picture.
I love puzzles. I wrote it down on my list. Totally buying some 1,000s and 2,000s, to start off.
Finished Luigi’s mansion 2. What an excellent game. From start to finish. I loved exploring the very detailed areas in the game. Always played with the 3d on. The Luigi’s mansion games were made for 3d at the very start. And it showed. Gah… I’ll miss my time in that game.
Been thinking of doing some gem and boo hunting though. Maybe 100% it. I probably will.
The meditation session about my transsexuality got put on hold due to fitting my time with the lunch and “walk” times (they force you stay inside after 7pm).
Tomorrow, I will explore the harbor some more. Gotta love that nice sea breeze.
A new episode of Sjin’s “feed the world” series got released too. So I’ll probably take my pills, watch his video, browse some reddit and twitter, and then fall asleep.
I haven’t been on Facebook in days now. And I won’t be visiting it until o get home either.
A nurse/doctor told me that wanting to go home is a good sign of recovery. Feels good.
Had a meeting with the head doctor again. An expected meeting. We talked more about what I’m getting out of being here, and how they could cooperate with me. I said what I’ve been saying in this diary (if you need to know, just read previous entries). And it ended up with them giving me free range of being able to go outside whenever I like (fuck yeeees) and giving me an assignment for next Tuesday: write down the habits and behavior that you wish to change. I’ve already done a little of that, but I suppose I should compile it all in a separate file.
Anyhow. I’m outside writing this. Ton a head to the store to buy some things, and hopefully get back in time for dinner.
Feeling much better already. Not just because I can go outside, buy also because I can manage social interactions much better.
I don’t get to see the head doctor for another 6 days. So I know for a fact I’m staying until then.
I’m inside again now. Feels good after a walk. I thought about remembering to breathe with my stomach, when I’m in social situations.. I will hone this skill.
Got some goodies to eat after lunch too. Which is in about 10 minutes.
Apparently, Obama is in Sweden. Oh-boy… I wish we didn’t have to do diplomacy with such a horrible human being. But oh well. I’m far from that event. And this is something I need to work on. Don’t get upset about it. Think it through instead, and rationalize.
Luigi’s mansion 2 is too much fun!
Done with Luigi’s mansion 2 for now. Just got to world 3, which seems to be western/cliff/desert. I just love that. It takes the clichés and tropes of the typical game, and adds a haunted trope to it. I could see the mixing of tried and true concepts take off. I mean, how can you not like a haunted tree house, a haunted manor, etc.
Needless to say. Fantastic game so far. It’s even made me laugh a few times.
I have written down a few things on that list I talked about too.
Part of what’s on that list. Of what I’ve figured out, is that I can’t delete my twitter or WordPress account. So now I’ve convinced myself and been convinced by others.
Gonna explore town for an hour before lunch.
Been playing a lot of Luigi’s mansion. I always seem to forget the therapeutic effect a good game has. To the list of hobbies I need to do more, games is one of them.
By the way. Luigi’s mansion 2 is amazing. I think I like it more than the first. Although, the first will always have a special place in my heart.
I asked about how much this would cost, and they said it’s about 80 sek a day. Which will add to about 800 sek once next Tuesday comes around. I have a feeling this can be covered by social security, but to be honest, if I keep making this amount of progress, I will be able to leave on Tuesday.
It will be sweet to purge my life at home, from the bad influences, and to start, in earnest, to change my life around.
I have to admit that my feelings are kind of mixed. On one hand, I love the change and the ability to recuperate; but I miss seeing family, and my job.
I’ve been really chatty today. I love getting to know people. That’s such an exciting thing for me. I must add that to the list of things I need to do more. Because I’m a people person, but I’ve been held off by my anxiety. No more!! Totally going to chat up my work mates once I get home.
I played some more Luigi’s mansion 2, and now I’m gonna reddit a little and go to bed.
I can easily say that Luigi’s mansion 2 rekindled my love for games.
A lot of talk about how news outlets has been wrongly covering the Chelsea Manning’s transgender closet-walkout. It basically boils down to transsexuals being mad at news outlets for not using the correct pronouns when addressing her.. And all i can say is this:
Most transsexuals don’t seem to get that understanding is a two way street. They need to understand the simple concept of pronouns, but we also need to understand that cis-people don’t look at gender the same way we do. They don’t really get what being transgender really entails. And getting mad, and once again overreacting, won’t solve anything.
We certainly won’t be understood if we don’t understand their position to begin with! It just creates more misunderstanding, discombobulation, and that’s not good for anyone in the long run! So please stop it!