I like your videos, but this really isn’t one of your best. Cheers!
For a number of years now, i’ve felt less and less inclined to change genders. I don’t know when i decided to put this little deadline on myself, but i decided that this year’s Autumn was the deadline for my decision. The deadline for when i’ve got to take the road most commonly traveled. The deadline for when i have to move on.
I’m not trans! I’m someone who doesn’t really care about gender identity. Not in myself; not in others (On account on me being a bisexual). Now, i could be one of those who feel like this needs a label, but i’d rather just let people perceive me as they wish, because to me, it doesn’t matter. And since it doesn’t matter, why put a label on it? Why should i be concerned about that?
Sex is a binary. You either have a dick or a vagina. But gender is a matter of many things. We’re all on different levels of masculinity and femininity, so it becomes a gradient. A gradient where you don’t mind appearing as a manly viking, but also don’t mind appearing as a girly girl.
I guess what i’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter to me, so therefor, i’ll just default to the one i have now, so i don’t have to mess around with the many hardships that HRT, speech therapy and SRS brings. And it feels liberating to write this down. I used to think that my anxiety was linked to gender dysphoria, yet i’ve gone around presenting male all this time, and the anxiety has gone down! Of course, that could be a hidden statistic for all i know. Far be it from me to speak authoritatively on psychology and neurology. So like with everything in my life, i have doubts. I always doubt. But that doubt is down to the same level i have of my doubts that i’m just a brain in a jar in a simulation.
In conclusion, i would advice anyone to just do yourself. Right now, i think the way i’m doing me is a winning formula. I’m feeling better, i’m doing KBT, i’m doing all my hobbies, i laugh, i spend time with friends, and most of all, i’m presenting male. And all of it feels good to me. I feel right.
Of course, you can always develop as a human being and life is a constant self-discovery quest.
About a week ago, i asked someone to simply elaborate on why she would vote for Hillary. And without even arguing against voting such a way, i’m going to demostrate how one Hillary supporter completely fell appart at even the slightest scrutiny of her position!
This is Jennifer Boylan! And i asked her this (A greater context of the conversation):
“Is there literature available that divulges your reasons for supporting Clinton?” Twitter ~JennaGrip
This is a reasonable question, seeing as she had just tweeted her implicit support of Hillary. All i wanted to know was what her reasons for supporting Hillary in the election.
And this was her response and my response to that
“As opposed to Trump? The only literature I have is this piece of paper declaring me sane.” Twitter ~JennyBoylan
“So no real arguments then? Just your typical “lesser of two evils”?” Twitter ~JennaGrip
Which isn’t an argument for something! Simply stating that you hate one candidate isn’t the same as arguing for another! So it’s not an actual argument.
“You’ll find this shocking, but I don’t try to change people’s politics with tweets.” Twitter ~JennaBoylan
Immediately, she goes into defensive mode! Remember, all i wanted was to read something by her, wherein she defends voting for Hillary.
And i’ll have to add to this, that you shouldn’t actually go into trying to change people’s politics ever! Not in Twitter, not on Facebook, not on Instagram, not in an actual argument, not in a lecture! Not ever!
Change in people’s politics comes naturally through argumentation! I realize you don’t do that kind of stuff, but that’s the truth.
But more to the point, i didn’t even ask for that! I know, shocking, right?
That’s why I initially asked. You don’t seem to want to convince anyone anywhere. Twitter ~JennaGrip
The first sentence of my response is dead on, but the second one misread what she actually said. I even said “Convince”. As if she said “I don’t try to change people’s mind on Clinton”. But really, i was just disappointed that she wouldn’t make such an effort anywhere. Even though she does write for various different sites.
Whatever I’m trying to say, I prove it through the fact of my life. My writing’s not bad either. Twitter ~JennyBoylan
Your lived experience means absolutely nothing when it comes to argumentation! Should we automatically take Pat Robertson seriously because of his advanced age? Or maybe good ol’ George H.W? Or maybe we should discount age altogether, huh?
Your writing’s not bad either? Are you saying my writing isn’t bad? Did you mean “My writing’s not bad, either”?
You know, perhaps your writing is better than mine, but since we’re doing adhoms, can i tell you where you got that attitude? By surrounding yourself with Yes Men! Maybe you’ve kept hearing this line of compliments a little too long!
Here’s another thing on this whole “Aheim Bettar ett languich den ju!”. This isn’t my first language. Or second. It’s my third language. So if it’s not up to your highfalutin standard, i’m deeply sorry, oh, wise sage!
Or maybe i misunderstood what you said! After all, i’m just some English is my third language fuck!
Oh, you sweet thing! Twitter ~JennaGrip
This is where any hope of a real conversation ended for me, and i went into troll mode! She was already there, but now i followed suit!
If you want to read the rest, you can check the Greater context, and make up your own mind about this whole mess! I’m just glad to finally have written this, so i can put it behind me!
In summary, i’m very sad about it! Because i used to have a lot of respect for her, but after her horrible handling of even the slightest questioning, i myself have to question her handling of her questioning.
As a funny little extra, i thought it was amusing that, during this back and forth, one of her little sycophants tweeted me this:
Idea that tweeters seeking convincing actually seek to be convinced is hilarious. Twitter Elisa
Yeah, i guess you can assume that about people. Yup! Everyone else is close minded! Not you, though!
Sarcasm aside, i actually do hear people out. Don’t believe me? Then let’s debate, @TrulyTG
This is going to be unedited and very rambly. So don’t say i didn’t warn you!
When i was younger, my oldest sister would tell me the name i would have gotten if i was born a girl.
That memory lingers with me to this day.
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of disattachment to my own body. I look myself in the miror, but i don’t quite see what i wish was there. It couldn’t be my body, because i remember when i started developing a sixpack back when i was much more fit, i was mortified. Somehow, being more fat makes me feel a little better, because it does mask those features. It’s not what i want.
And i’m not too happy about other more male features with myself either… Some of the time. A lot of the time, i can stomach all of it except explicitly being called a man or dude or whatever. That just sits wrong with me all the time. But so does being called a woman when i’m obviously presenting male.
I have had to learn the whole nature aspect of the difference between men and women. Whereas it came naturally to everyone around me, i just couldn’t for the life of me understand why everyone made such a big deal about someone being a girl or a boy. I understand it on an intellectual level now, but being bi, i still don’t make the difference between men and women. For me, it just doesn’t matter. But i do understand the difference, and it’s something that’s good to be aware of. Men tend to be more aggressive and women tend to be more nurturing. The differences that can be attributed generally to men and women are there. It’s nature! Anyone can look up the differences of brain anatomy, secondary sexual features and gender dimorphism.
I’m ok with being a man in society, because i definetely don’t feel the massive gender dysphoria that a lot of transsexuals feel. In fact, i question whether or not i even have it. Am i just gender confused? Am i trans?
One thing that’s holding me back is the frame i have to work with! I’m not so sure i would look so good as a woman. I mean, i enjoy the girlier things in life like makeup, skirts, nailpolish and stuff. But yeah..
Suffice it to say, i’m conflicted. Because i feel that i should just move on and live my life as it is, but on the other hand, these feelings keep plauging me. I can live this way fairly easily, but part of me doesn’t want to. I feel really good when i get to express myself this other way, but more than i’m happy to admit, i feel weird about it.
For several reasons, i decided to stop with my “investigation” (As they call it) in the transsexual clinic, because it just wasn’t worth it. The bad outweighed the good. What does that say about me? I’ve already admitted to myself that i don’t feel too strongly about it, but that there is some feeling there! So it would go without saying that my other priorities, which would have been impossible or more difficult to do if i had continued with the investigation, would take precedence.
Some of my friends have told me to try hormones for a few months to see how i feel after that. Or to just live as a woman for a while. But getting the hormones is a difficult task. Because either i have to go through the system where i get a million dumb questions just so that they can be sure that i’m of sound mind, or i get them illegally. But illegally would mean that i had to trust the person selling it, i would have to messure the effect myself, i would have to be careful about the dosage, etc.
I’m not sad about this at all. It just puts me in a very contemplative mood! Because i don’t really know what to make of these feelings!
While browsing some old pics, i found one that i find to be a lot more representative (If you will) of me. I Mean, do i need to go into how there will always be some pics that are less flattering and some that are more flattering? Out of hundreds of pics, i usually only get a handful that i find to be “good pictures” of me. It really is as they say. You are your worst critic.I find that to fit for me, at least.
But anyway. Without further ado, here’s the pic!
Yesterday, i got a call back (Already) from the clinic, and it turns out that they still want me to come! I can’t believe how lucky i am! This time, i’ve made sure that no more mistakes or misunderstandings occur! I’ll make sure that the people there understand it too! Where i’m coming from with my situation. After all, I’m partially there to tell them about myself!