This is going to be unedited and very rambly. So don’t say i didn’t warn you!
When i was younger, my oldest sister would tell me the name i would have gotten if i was born a girl.
That memory lingers with me to this day.
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of disattachment to my own body. I look myself in the miror, but i don’t quite see what i wish was there. It couldn’t be my body, because i remember when i started developing a sixpack back when i was much more fit, i was mortified. Somehow, being more fat makes me feel a little better, because it does mask those features. It’s not what i want.
And i’m not too happy about other more male features with myself either… Some of the time. A lot of the time, i can stomach all of it except explicitly being called a man or dude or whatever. That just sits wrong with me all the time. But so does being called a woman when i’m obviously presenting male.
I have had to learn the whole nature aspect of the difference between men and women. Whereas it came naturally to everyone around me, i just couldn’t for the life of me understand why everyone made such a big deal about someone being a girl or a boy. I understand it on an intellectual level now, but being bi, i still don’t make the difference between men and women. For me, it just doesn’t matter. But i do understand the difference, and it’s something that’s good to be aware of. Men tend to be more aggressive and women tend to be more nurturing. The differences that can be attributed generally to men and women are there. It’s nature! Anyone can look up the differences of brain anatomy, secondary sexual features and gender dimorphism.
I’m ok with being a man in society, because i definetely don’t feel the massive gender dysphoria that a lot of transsexuals feel. In fact, i question whether or not i even have it. Am i just gender confused? Am i trans?
One thing that’s holding me back is the frame i have to work with! I’m not so sure i would look so good as a woman. I mean, i enjoy the girlier things in life like makeup, skirts, nailpolish and stuff. But yeah..
Suffice it to say, i’m conflicted. Because i feel that i should just move on and live my life as it is, but on the other hand, these feelings keep plauging me. I can live this way fairly easily, but part of me doesn’t want to. I feel really good when i get to express myself this other way, but more than i’m happy to admit, i feel weird about it.
For several reasons, i decided to stop with my “investigation” (As they call it) in the transsexual clinic, because it just wasn’t worth it. The bad outweighed the good. What does that say about me? I’ve already admitted to myself that i don’t feel too strongly about it, but that there is some feeling there! So it would go without saying that my other priorities, which would have been impossible or more difficult to do if i had continued with the investigation, would take precedence.
Some of my friends have told me to try hormones for a few months to see how i feel after that. Or to just live as a woman for a while. But getting the hormones is a difficult task. Because either i have to go through the system where i get a million dumb questions just so that they can be sure that i’m of sound mind, or i get them illegally. But illegally would mean that i had to trust the person selling it, i would have to messure the effect myself, i would have to be careful about the dosage, etc.
I’m not sad about this at all. It just puts me in a very contemplative mood! Because i don’t really know what to make of these feelings!
Yesterday, i got a call back (Already) from the clinic, and it turns out that they still want me to come! I can’t believe how lucky i am! This time, i’ve made sure that no more mistakes or misunderstandings occur! I’ll make sure that the people there understand it too! Where i’m coming from with my situation. After all, I’m partially there to tell them about myself!
You know. In some ways, this month seems to have gone on forever, but in some aspects, it’s come and gone.
I’ve made some great strides in terms of my android app. I completed Pokémon X. All in all, it was a pretty good month.
But now it’s that time again. Where I get nervous and excited at going to Uppsala to meet with my therapists and doctors. The reason why I made this entire blog.
So I’m going to slow down on the programming. Both to mentally prepare, but also because I have some other real life stuff to do too.
One more thing wanted to talk about. I always feel I need to be more topical on this blog. So starting after the 4th (the date I’m going to Uppsala), I’m gonna try to relay to you, the life of a transsexual in my situation. I’ll try to take more pics too. Sounds good?
Podcast app HYPE, Uppsala HYPE!!
I was talking with my little brother about a fine he has to pay for kicking down a door in a club! He’s been forced by the justice system of Sweden. Problem is.. Nothing in the story seems right to me. It’s not that i think or don’t think he kicked down that door (After all, how could i know?). It’s that it happened in 2011 and the only witness to the incident was a drunk guy… And they had the hearing a few days ago.
So from what i was told, he went to the trial that used this one drunk’s anecdotes and memories from 3 years back to pass a judgement, and they found my little brother guilty, based on that. Like i said. I don’t know if he did it! But it doesn’t matter. Guilty or not, this is not a fair trial! Not by a long shot! So i wrote a little rant on it, and i wanted to post it on my blog too. So here it is:
Eyewitnesses are prone to fabrication, but worst of all, they don’t lie. They do something worse. They distort reality unknowingly. We all do! And that’s why an eyewitness should be held to a lower regard than a Medium. Because with a Medium, at least you get blatant lies, and you can easily disregard them. With eyewitnesses, you get the delusion that something happened, just because that person has a version of what happened. A version that they think is real.
And that’s a big problem too! Let’s be honest. Ever tried to tell someone as gently as possible, that our brains are kind of… flawed? You never get a good response. It’s always “No, i’m perfect!”. That’s the attitude we need to change. We need to realize that our senses are extremely flawed, and not to be trusted in serious matter such as a justice system.
How lucky we are, though! We actually devised a method that’s proven to be one of the best methods ever! Science! Use science instead! We can change this! Let’s stop trusting our senses so much! It’s almost never lead us down a good path!
While standing in line at the store today, i decided i would buy some spearmint gum. Me and spearmint has a weird relationship. I quite commonly enjoy myself some sweet mint, and i drink peppermint tea everyday, so it’s not the fact that it’s a mint that’s weird. It’s the taste of spearmint.
I found that i hadn’t chewed spearmint gum in years. I remember when i would first try it out, i was in an even stranger phase in my life where i would take endless walks outside, listening to podcasts. A friend of mine called Darin recommended i’d listen to “Smart videogame fan”, after i had asked him for some recommendations. Back in those days, i would listen to about 5 podcasts.
My first love was Noobtoob. A podcast that no longer exists. Then the second one ever was SVGF, one that i listen to to this day. Third one was AllGenGamers, which is another podcast that continues on to this day.
A lot of days went by where i tried to distance my thoughts from everything that was going on in my mind. I tried different tactics that would help me reconcile my transsexual thoughts once and for all.
After listening to Dream Theater’s “Metropolis part 2”, and loving it, i decided i would try to believe in reincarnation. I wanted to believe that i would be a woman in the next life. There was no way i could keep telling myself that lie though! What evidence do i have that that would be the case? Wishful thinking. Nothing more than that!
I know that the album is about something else, but for me, it will always invoke some transsexual feelings. “Find out who i was at last”, really speaks to me.
Another thing i tried to tell myself was that i just wasn’t a transsexual. I mean. How could that be?? How could i be that? Chances are so astronomically low that i would be. Some random person in the middle of Sweden! No.. That life was some eccentric American’s life (That’s really how i felt about it).
After spending years battling the ever louder person inside of me, who wanted to break out so bad, i finally decided that i would have to walk this path after reading an article about a 16-year old trans girl in Germany.
I would have to start listening to the person inside of me. She was calling me to find her, and i finally listened.
Not too long after that, i decided to tell my parents. It was the end of summer when i decided to go through with it, and the beginning of fall when i told them. Very few people knew about my feelings. But i decided to tell everyone.
Regardless, i have a long way to go. Hopefully, i’m going to reach my goal of starting HRT this spring. It sounded that way on the doctor i talked to a few days ago.
I’ll probably end up wondering to myself why i even bothered closeting myself the way i am right now. Cause i still am kind of ½ way-ish. I’ve written about that many times before, so i won’t say why that is in this post. You could find that out if you wanted to.
It’s funny how one taste can invoke so many feelings.. Not sure i’m going to chew anymore spear mint after i’ve written this post, though. At least not in a very long time. The feelings are quite bad, but mostly melancholy. What was i even fighting? Why did i deny it? Seems to pointless in retrospect.
I just got done crying my eyes out at my therapist’s office.
That’s a huge load off my chest though. I really had to get that out of me, I feel.
So I went there and did yet another valuation. They really need to know for sure. It’s basically the law if you wanna have a paid transition.. A little frustrating, but it seems we’re getting closer and closer for them making the decision. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me nervous.
Hormones will be the first thing I get once the evaluation process is done, and I can not wait!
When i was younger, i used to have a horrible habit of self-sabotating for myself. I would do it all the time. Missing parties that would probably have been fun, missing a meeting with a friend, etc.
Sometimes, i wonder if i ever managed to shed that habit. I mean, i don’t do it anymore as far as i know. But last time i missed an appointment with my transgender therapist, my thoughts sort of wandered to that place.. “Am i subconsciously self-sabotaging?”
I mean.. My stress and self-esteem hasn’t exactly gotten better. But at the same time, i feel that i’m not that person anymore. I’m not one to do that. After all, i’ve gotten this far in my transition. I’m mare months away from HRT. No! I’m not that person.
Maybe it’s an exercise in futility to examine yourself while you’re in the situation you’re in. No good analysis comes from doing that. Retrospect has proven to be the far better analytical tool to see what actually went on. And that’s only because you have no real investments in it anymore. It’s become a thing of the past. Which is what i want to leave you off with.
The bad you feel today is not what you’ll feel tomorrow. It might be difficult to understand it now, but time will make it apparent. And when you finally get to that point, make sure that you learn from it.