Tag Archive | swede


While browsing some old pics, i found one that i find to be a lot more representative (If you will) of me. I Mean, do i need to go into how there will always be some pics that are less flattering and some that are more flattering? Out of hundreds of pics, i usually only get a handful that i find to be “good pictures” of me. It really is as they say. You are your worst critic.I find that to fit for me, at least.

But anyway. Without further ado, here’s the pic!



Good news!

Yesterday, i got a call back (Already) from the clinic, and it turns out that they still want me to come! I can’t believe how lucky i am! This time, i’ve made sure that no more mistakes or misunderstandings occur! I’ll make sure that the people there understand it too! Where i’m coming from with my situation. After all, I’m partially there to tell them about myself!

Excitement building!

You know. In some ways, this month seems to have gone on forever, but in some aspects, it’s come and gone.
I’ve made some great strides in terms of my android app. I completed Pokémon X. All in all, it was a pretty good month.

But now it’s that time again. Where I get nervous and excited at going to Uppsala to meet with my therapists and doctors. The reason why I made this entire blog.

So I’m going to slow down on the programming. Both to mentally prepare, but also because I have some other real life stuff to do too.

One more thing wanted to talk about. I always feel I need to be more topical on this blog. So starting after the 4th (the date I’m going to Uppsala), I’m gonna try to relay to you, the life of a transsexual in my situation. I’ll try to take more pics too. Sounds good?

Podcast app HYPE, Uppsala HYPE!!

Jam tomorrow, shit today.

I just got done crying my eyes out at my therapist’s office.
That’s a huge load off my chest though. I really had to get that out of me, I feel.

So I went there and did yet another valuation. They really need to know for sure. It’s basically the law if you wanna have a paid transition.. A little frustrating, but it seems we’re getting closer and closer for them making the decision. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me nervous.

Hormones will be the first thing I get once the evaluation process is done, and I can not wait!


When i was younger, i used to have a horrible habit of self-sabotating for myself. I would do it all the time. Missing parties that would probably have been fun, missing a meeting with a friend, etc.
Sometimes, i wonder if i ever managed to shed that habit. I mean, i don’t do it anymore as far as i know. But last time i missed an appointment with my transgender therapist, my thoughts sort of wandered to that place.. “Am i subconsciously self-sabotaging?”

I mean.. My stress and self-esteem hasn’t exactly gotten better. But at the same time, i feel that i’m not that person anymore. I’m not one to do that. After all, i’ve gotten this far in my transition. I’m mare months away from HRT. No! I’m not that person.

Maybe it’s an exercise in futility to examine yourself while you’re in the situation you’re in. No good analysis comes from doing that. Retrospect has proven to be the far better analytical tool to see what actually went on. And that’s only because you have no real investments in it anymore. It’s become a thing of the past. Which is what i want to leave you off with.

The bad you feel today is not what you’ll feel tomorrow. It might be difficult to understand it now, but time will make it apparent. And when you finally get to that point, make sure that you learn from it.

Waiting, waiting and waiting.

I just made a call to uppsala, where the transsexual hospital is (the place I’ve been going to).  They told me I didn’t have a time booked with them, even though they said I would be getting a new time.. Anyway.. The new time I got is in two months. Two long months.

At this rate, I’m never going to get anywhere. I hate this!

Finding the answers – part 7 – skin

–Day 7

Just had a short meeting with someone about “my plans”. It’s an obligatory thing all of the nurses on the clinic has to go through with their patients.
I told her that I was pretty happy with the help I have gotten. 1) getting away from everything to get a new perspective. 2) to be able to interact with people more.
So I said I was ready to go home. She didn’t have much to add, since it was just an obligatory thing. We also brushed a little on my transsexuality. I told her about myself.. But anyone reading my diary will know that whole story.

Already Sunday… Not much longer now, and I’ll get to go home.

Just got home from a walk with a woman I’ve been chatting with a lot. Apparently, she’s been having issues with children, her husband, and relationships. All I can say is that I’m happy to not be in a relationship right now. It just seems like a chore

I listened to a song called “skin” by machinae supremacy. Ever since a friend told me that it reminded her of transsexuals, I checked it out, and i  loved it.. Cause it’s so sad.
So now I’m in a somber mood.

Damn.. That talk with that woman I mentioned earlier was very optionally draining. Such a downer. I can’t even imagine what she must go through.

I was really enjoying fall, but now the last efforts of summer has taken a hold of the town. So that sucks!

To be honest, my gender issues is weighing down on me. It’s time I become more open about it to my mom too. As hard as it is to talk about it… What’s the song say.. “You need to cause a storm to change how you are within”. To paraphrase “skin”.

I might be able to come home tomorrow.

Candy Kowal

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