Tag Archive | stress

Finding the answers – part 8 – final!

–Day 8

Waiting for someone to come and tell me that it’s time to see the head doctor.
They said I would most likely be able to see him. But I won’t know until a little later. I’m just gonna tell him that i want to go home. Tired of being here. Tired of the strict rules and I wanna apply what I’ve learned.

I really hope I won’t have to wait until tomorrow, just to go home.

Sweet. I got a time!!
Hopefully, he won’t try to make me stay here. I feel that I’m done. That’s all. So.. In 20 minutes!

It’s passed 11 now.. Gah, I hope he’ll show up. I don’t want to stay here any longer!

Yes… Still waiting!

I am now free as a bird, and it feels awesome. Bad thing is that the train I was supposed to have gone on, got replaced by a bus. Good part is that I get a free trip. Like… Free free. Unless someone is standing at the station in söderhamn (which is where I’m making a short stop), I got off scott free.

Already half way there. I’m doing pretty good.

I’m amazed at how well this is going.

Can’t believe I managed to go the whole trip without getting all anxious. I’m already on my way to becoming whole again.

And with that, I am home. Thus concludes this diary… I don’t know how to close it any other way than that.





And that’s that.
I’ve probably accidentally posted the same picture twice, but I know that I’ve posted all of the ones I took.

So that’s my little trip to Hudiksvall hospital for the depressed and anxious. Hope you enjoyed reading.


Finding the answers – part 7 – skin

–Day 7

Just had a short meeting with someone about “my plans”. It’s an obligatory thing all of the nurses on the clinic has to go through with their patients.
I told her that I was pretty happy with the help I have gotten. 1) getting away from everything to get a new perspective. 2) to be able to interact with people more.
So I said I was ready to go home. She didn’t have much to add, since it was just an obligatory thing. We also brushed a little on my transsexuality. I told her about myself.. But anyone reading my diary will know that whole story.

Already Sunday… Not much longer now, and I’ll get to go home.

Just got home from a walk with a woman I’ve been chatting with a lot. Apparently, she’s been having issues with children, her husband, and relationships. All I can say is that I’m happy to not be in a relationship right now. It just seems like a chore

I listened to a song called “skin” by machinae supremacy. Ever since a friend told me that it reminded her of transsexuals, I checked it out, and i  loved it.. Cause it’s so sad.
So now I’m in a somber mood.

Damn.. That talk with that woman I mentioned earlier was very optionally draining. Such a downer. I can’t even imagine what she must go through.

I was really enjoying fall, but now the last efforts of summer has taken a hold of the town. So that sucks!

To be honest, my gender issues is weighing down on me. It’s time I become more open about it to my mom too. As hard as it is to talk about it… What’s the song say.. “You need to cause a storm to change how you are within”. To paraphrase “skin”.

I might be able to come home tomorrow.

Finding the answers – part6 – where is that sky scraper going?

–Day 6

Managed to have a pretty long dialog with someone. I consider it a success

Met my “go to nurse” earlier. Not entirely sure what she does that no one else does. But she’s who was assigned to me, a title like that.
I told her I was feeling much better and that I can’t wait to get home.

There. Done some downloading now. Got some videos to watch later.

Been thinking some more about my transsexuality. There’s a phrase in a song where he sings “poor him who carries a sky scraper on his shoulders! What is it that you don’t want others to see that everyone hasn’t already seen, and where is that sky scraper going?”
I need to throw away the sky scraper!

When I was younger, people used to tell me that I was in my own world, from time to time. I used to let my mind drift and lose focus. Lost in day dreams, as they say. I think I need to do more of that.

Maybe meditation is the new “zoning out” for me though. Because it always makes me feel better. Had a 20 minute session earlier.

Had a talk with the man from Iraq. He told me more about why he’s here and what he’s been through. Just like all Christian Iraquies, he’s had a life of persecution and imprisonment. His wife and daughter died by a suicide bomber. Over 200 people died in a church that day..
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.
Luckily, Sweden is open to a lot of people who needs the help.

Speaking of immigration. I’ve seen a lot of beggars with roses lately. Mostly women who try to use the gift of a rose and fake kindness to win you over, so that you’ll give them some money.. Yeah, my good will seizes completely when I’m being manipulated. I know they must be desperate, but come on.

Let’s talk a little about this clinic I’m staying in. I’ve had a really good experience so far. But I do have some complaints.
For one, I don’t get why I can’t be in someone else’s room. We’re all people here.. I don’t know. It seems that some rules are arbitrary. I can understand not being allowed to have cables lying around (because someone suicidal could snatch it and kill themselves… At least that’s what the nurses are saying. The rule came in place due to it happening a lot), but some things just seem dehumanizing.

I probably won’t be 100%ing Luigi’s mansion 2. Too hard and time consuming.
I decided to play some Mario 3d land instead.
I love my 3ds! Wish Majora’s mask would be released soon, though.

Just watched a vsauce3 video about what we see in the dark, and it turns out seeing strange patterns in the dark is normal. I always thought it was because my eyes were damaged in some way. And I don’t seek out the whys and ifs of anything the body does.
Strangely relieving to know.

Talking to people and meditating are key things to take away from this. Getting out of your comfort zone.
I feel so good just interacting. It makes me feel both stressed and exhilarated. I feel the stress will subside eventually.

I think I’ve found what is missing, and what I’m doing wrong. The answer was always there, but it’s more clear to me now than ever!

I can easily say that today was a huge success.
Had a longer talk with one of the women on the clinic, and I’ve been able to keep my stress at bay. Fantastic!

I opened up Facebook very briefly, to find that one of my tranny friends (it’s an endearing term we use) went to buy some wine using her new ID with her new name on it. And it went well with no hassles. I don’t know.. That made me so happy to hear!


The locksmith I borrowed WiFi from.



Finding the answers – part 4 – thinking of stress

–Day 4

Currently outside, snitching some WiFi from some place.
Had a good sleep last night. I feel that I’ve learned a lot about my sleep while staying here. For one, I will stop eating breakfast directly after lunch, I will take a nightly walk about an hour earlier than before.

.. And I will not be sleeping with the TV on anymore. The computer will be turned off at night.

Exploring the outskirts of town now. Found a nice bench — on a forest path — to sit on.
Been thinking about my stress. I need to be able to tell myself that it’s all OK, and that nothing’s bad is gonna happen. I also don’t need to go anywhere. I am here now, and that’s that.
Yet, this eerie feeling is looming over me. A feeling of helplessness and fear. I should request to talk to someone once I get home, maybe.

I’ve lived like this for so long, that it becomes a big difficulty to just be happy. How I wish things could be easier.
Perhaps it all comes from a feeling of failure? I think everything’s gonna go to shit, just because I failed to be sociable, that one time today. I wrote down that I need to be able to handle downfalls better.

I’m going to socialize as soon as i get back, to see if I’ll feel better.

It seems to have helped. Currently trying to meditate.

I checked out what asmr is earlier. They talked about it on gamegrumps, of all things.
It’s when someone moves close in on the mic and talks in a very soft and quiet voice. Basically Bob Ross. Who, by the way, I should check out later. I wanna watch some videos where he paints. Only watched one in the past. I loved it!

Oh, and meditation is helping, but it’s slow. I can remain focus for about a minute, and I can remain in a session for about 15 minutes.

People often complain about hospital and school food.. I’m not one of them. I think it tastes awesome, to put it in general and blunt terms.

So now it’s time go outside, then Luigi’s mansion, then some video(s) and maybe some meditating.
I still need to address the big elephant in the room. My transsexuality.
I need to make an executive (I’m fancy with my fancy words) decision about me dressing the way I want. It will be done tonight.

Outside walking again. Based on a few signs I’ve seen here and there, people in this town seem very proud about their dialect/slang. You’ll see things like “körv”. If I find a sign or something that says “oshan” or something, I will take a picture.

I love puzzles. I wrote it down on my list. Totally buying some 1,000s and 2,000s, to start off.

Finished Luigi’s mansion 2. What an excellent game. From start to finish. I loved exploring the very detailed areas in the game. Always played with the 3d on. The Luigi’s mansion games were made for 3d at the very start. And it showed. Gah… I’ll miss my time in that game.
Been thinking of doing some gem and boo hunting though. Maybe 100% it. I probably will.

The meditation session about my transsexuality got put on hold due to fitting my time with the lunch and “walk” times (they force you stay inside after 7pm).

Tomorrow, I will explore the harbor some more. Gotta love that nice sea breeze.
A new episode of Sjin’s “feed the world” series got released too. So I’ll probably take my pills, watch his video, browse some reddit and twitter, and then fall asleep.

I haven’t been on Facebook in days now. And I won’t be visiting it until o get home either.

A nurse/doctor told me that wanting to go home is a good sign of recovery. Feels good.




Finding the answers – part 2 – Luigi’s meditation

–Day 2

I like traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people; I love laughing, watching stand ups, sketch shows, and comedy.
I need to indulge in these urges more often. I think my negative thoughts about my future is because I’m staying in the same place. Knowing what I know all the time… I’d like yo call it “bondsjuka” (farmer sickness).

Had a talk with a head doctor at the clinic I’m staying in. He changed my status from a 3 to the lowest (I think). So I’ll get to go out for the first time today.

I kind of like having these inhibitions. It forces me to take the stress head on, rather than running from it.

Everyone at this clinic is nice. Very good people.

Been meditating a lot.

Just had dinner. It’s funny, as a rule, on this clinic doesn’t allow chargers (because, I guess some people used them to take their lives?), but they allow tooth picks.. Sharp, stabby toothpicks.
I have to ask them to open a door where “valuables” are to charge things. My 3ds is currently being charged in that room.
Been playing some Luigi’s mansion 2. Really fun so far.
Ah… If only i was allowed yo have my chatger. But oh well.. Rules is rules. It’s for the safety of those who would get the idea of killing themselves with my charger, so it’s more than understandable.

I have to ask the person I’m taking a walk with, what my current status on this clinic is (you know.. I was talking about “from a 3” earlier)

It feels really nice not having to care anymore. I need to carry this attitude further in my life. Live for the moment, just have fun and relax.

I guess I should think more about what makes me stressed out.
Trudging the same spot over and over again…
I get stressed when conversing with people..

Let’s talk about that. I seem to be unable to get my brain to stay at a consistent level. It’s either max or min.. How do I rectify this? Well.. Brining it to light is one step. And maybe I need to practice calmness in the presence of others. Maybe then my anxiousness would subside a lot, and I won’t have to always worry about waiting..?

But how do I do that? It really does boil down to me having to be myself. So I guess that, once I get back from this place, I need to dress better. Get some unisex clothes (because I love that) and wear some dresses, god damn.

When I get home, I’m going to do a lot of clean up. Gonna remove a few people I’m following on WordPress, a lot of people I’m following on twitter.. Mainly because I want my timeline to cater to what I want to hear. Which is not a bunch of atheists talking about how god isn’t real.
I’m going to start vlogging. It’s about time I fulfill that promise I made myself, so very long ago.
There are many other things I will do once I get home too.. Speaking of. I left my computer on. Bloody hell! (Although, that thing is on all the time anyway, so whatever)

I am me.. I like to identify as a woman, but one major thing I need to stop doing is to try to live by someone else’s standard of what a woman is. It’s time I start being me!

Another good thing this trip is doing for me is to take me off sugar. I’ll admit, I’ve been eating far too much of it.

Met a really nice guy who I share a lot in common with. We talked about science, series, life and the world. You know, all those overearnest things anyone in our age is more than happy to discuss.
Hard to think I met someone younger than me. And like with most, someone with more severe problems than mine.
His issue is that he’s got aspergers and he thinks he needs ADHD medicine. Only problem is that people with aspergers aren’t treated seriously. I hope it’ll go well for him.

There’s a plum tree outside of the clinic. Tasted a plum… Not prime for eating yet. Not ripe.. Let’s just say.. Some of the higher up ones seem eatable though.

Aside from the personal, there are some very interesting people here. Been chatting it up with a few. Someone has back problems, and is running a risk of getting paralyzed. Alot of them who are around my age has severe depression, and has attempted suicide.
Again. I submit that my issues are minor. I wonder if I’m telling myself that just to get happier with my own condition?
Either way, it always feels good to know that I’m not alone in this.

I got a fantastic view from my room. The picture I took doesn’t do it justice, but at least it’s a memento.
The whole city is in my view. Reminds me about back in the day when I lived in a town called “kramfors”. Had a similar view there. That was the first and only time I had seen the full moon light up an entire lake, at midnight. Completely white.. I hope I will get to see that some day again. Maybe not tonight, or even in this town. But one day.

Going to play some Luigi’s mansion 2 before bed. Amazing game. Such a pure gaming experience.

Finding the answers – part 1 – bad night

This is day one of my experience at the clinic for the depressed and the anxious.

There are 8 of these, so in the next week, I’ll be posting pages from the diary I kept while staying there.

Pictures will be uploaded together with most posts.
The first two entries don’t have hours attatched, sadly. But all the other ones, you’ll be able to tell what time I wrote things.

Lastly, a separate entry for a list will be added around day 2-3. Future entries references the list.

Anyhow! Without further ado, here it, unedited, the way god intended.

–Day 1

Had a bad night, last night. It ended up with me having to go to the hospital, just to get something to calm me down. I’ve had worse stress, but this was pretty bad.

I woke up very early that morning (5am) to my mom calling me about the trip I was supposed to have taken, to Uppsala. Since I was high on whatever they gave me at the hospital, I was in no condition to embark on a train ride to Uppsala.
Reason why I had to go there was for my transition from man to woman.

I was very disappointed in myself, when I finally woke up around 10am. Depression and stress.
A few days earlier, I had decided that I would put myself into a home, and the process of doing so started this morning. I called my aunt (who is my contact person) about what I had done last night, about my trip to the hospital.
She’s said that I did the right thing.

Long story short, we’re now on our way to Hudiksvall, where the home is. And we’re going to discuss a plan once we get there. How long I will be staying, etc.

It’s a pretty cool place, but I have to say that I was really stressed out for a while. Still haven’t gotten a plan, so to speak, pertaining to how long I will be staying. That comes tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll get to go outside too. They’re forcing me to stay inside, for the time being. But seeing as I am currently drugged up, that’s understandable.

Will be doing meditation and thinking as soon as I’ve gotten something to eat.

From a bad mood to a good mood: A tale of socialist Sweden.

It’s really difficult for me to explain why i was in such a bad mood lately. Because i have to translate things into American. Because you see, i come from a country with a lot of socialist transitions. One of which being giving people who needs help, the help that they need. Simple enough!
So what help am i getting? I get payed rent with about 2500-3000 SEK (450 dollars) for clothes, food, etc. Mainly, I get some people helping me in my life.. And by “Some”, i mean many. But the two “groups” — please excuse the very vague terminology in this post — that this story involves, which i need to explain first: is one new that i got in contact with, about 2 weeks ago, which is a semi-private group of people who helps people with social needs (Helping with chores, getting in shape, grocery shopping, just talking, etc), and one other group of people working for the community/municipality. This is the group i got in contact with late last year, and has my aunt in it (She’s awesome).

One new group, through the socialist safety-net of Sweden, and one old! (Still am in contact with both. It’s not a switch). Hope that explains it sufficiently enough.

So anyway. When i first had the meeting with the new group of people, i was assured that they would help me with a form/application that i have to submit every month. It’s the form which grants me money from the state/municipality. Now.. Filling this thing in is a huge chore and a confusing mess. And what you have to put in there is different every time! And since i do have anxiety disorder, it also gives me a lot of stress. I know i should probably just learn how to do it myself, and i probably will after what happened.

Long story short, they didn’t help me with it. This left in a state of distress and despair, after they had shoved the paper through my door mailbox, along with a note saying that they didn’t really have the time, and was unsure if they could help me with it in time. And i don’t want to blame them for that. I understand.. But i feel that i should have been warned that i wouldn’t always get the help i needed from this new group, who was supposed to take a lot of stress off of the old group.

I was really stressed and bummed out for about a day, until i finally decided to go to mom about it. Since my mom and aunt has a great relationship (My aunt was on a vacation), my mom was able to call my aunt to figure out how to fill in this application. So that made me very relieved. I remember sitting there, feeling as though two stones were lifted off my chest, as mom told me that she would help me. I have the best mom ever!

That same day that i went to my mom about it, earlier, i had gone to the old group to see if i couldn’t find my aunt’s co-worker, to inquire about this form. Sadly, she wasn’t there. But she called up, the day after i had gone to my mom about the form, telling me that people had seen me searching for her the other day (My aunt’s coworker, who is a part of that old group). Which was yesterday. I told her about my woes, and we arranged a meeting this Friday.. Today.

I woke up early today to go and meet her (I had already told my mom at this point, that i would be seeing her about the form instead, and i had picked up the form, the day before) about it, and we talked it through, made sure everything was in order. Luckily, i had gotten my rent (Which is something you need to send in with the form, to act as evidence of your rent.. In order to get money. Gah, can i get more confusing) this morning.
Anyway, i’ve gone on long enough. Bottomline is that i got the help i needed, and i ended up sending the form in to where it should be! All is happy, and all is well!

As a side note, i should say that my aunt’s co-worker in the old group also helped me with some other medical woes. It involves a bunch of complicated things i can’t even pretend to know about. But essentially, we found out that i had a bunch of  invoices/bills that i hadn’t payed (Due to never getting them), and because of that, had a lot of penalty to pay. So fucking glad she looked that up, and in the same day, rid me off all of it, with the help of some legal rights i have as a Swede, and some phone calls to explain the situation. I was ready to go to court about it, but it seems state services such as the semi-social-medical-establishment aren’t really assholes.

Again, it makes me so freaking happy to have so many professionals around me who can help me, and that i live in such a great country, where i can get the help i need. I’m speaking about both my stress related problems, and my trans problems in this blog too!
Just amazing.. Quite frankly. So now i’m in a good mood. Slightly stressed, but there you go! I just need some time to recuperate.. It might seem like a small problem, but to me in my mental state, it’s kind of big.

Hope this made sense! Not sure if it did or not! Happy Friday everyone!

Candy Kowal

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