I wanted to take some time to tell a little anecdote about my childhood.
Back when i was around 8-9 years old, i believed that i could control the wind! This story came to me when i was retweeting Marco_io9 on twitter. He wrote a book geared towards people who are questioning their faith in god. Which made me think about myself, cause i’m egocentric that way. I thought about how i never had to grow up with a god in my life, as my family had been atheist for a few generations.
Anyhow, i thought about how i never believed in a god, but that i did believe in a bunch of other things throughout my life. I think i must have tested all types of theories in my life. I tried to believe in the usual stuff that you believe in as a child. Like the tooth story (Although, in Sweden, i don’t think the tooth fairy is the prevailing lie. But we do have a variation of it), the easter bunny and Santa. I eventually grew to understand that none of this was real, as most people do. But once i was done with those at around 7, i started trying out other things. Like, i used to make potions out of mud (Didn’t drink it) that i thought would give me special powers if i smelled the ooze from the cauldron (The puddle), and the power i believed i got was the power to control wind!
And that got me thinking about the lesson i want to impart from all this. At that point, i learned about confirmation bias. Because i would only remember it when the wind did what i wanted it to do. And that fantasy worked for a few months until i had to confront myself with that notion, and i eventually found out that the wind didn’t give two shits about how i wanted it to move.
So i learned about confirmation biased. But that didn’t remove anything bad from my life. In fact, it just made me that more appreciative of the wind. For being this powerful and non-caring force in the world. To this day, i carry a love for the wind, all because of what it taught me!
Earlier today, I went to my parent’s house with my big brother. It’s something we do a lot, and it doesn’t really have much to do with the story.
While there, we got into a discussion – me, my mom and mg brother – about biting finger nails and peeling fingers and all that. And my brother said that he had noticed that all my fingers were kind of peeled.
I said “yeah, it’s pretty much because of stress”. To which he replied that I shouldn’t do it anymore and be aware that I’m doing it. Implying that I don’t know.
Well, I do know. I know it very well! But I just can’t be bothered. At all.
To that, he replied that I should start to care. To which I replied that I’ve been thinking that exact thought for the longest time, and that I’m very well aware of it all.
But once again, I just can’t. But he made it sound like it was easy to do. Just do it.
If you’re like me, and you have a lot of depression in your life, you know how frustrating it is to not be able to express just how horrible depression is. And if you’re even more like me, you hesitate to even say anything, because the word “depressed” is being tossed around so much these days, that it has kind of lost all meaning. So not only are you at a loss for words, but you’re also literally at a loss for words.
I wish I wasn’t depressed. I wish I could look at myself and think that it was something to care about. I wish I could see my entire body as anything but a disgusting disappointment. I wish I could be cisgender. I wish it would be as easy as just being aware of it and go from there. But it’s not. It’s a long process, and no amount of self awareness is going to matter. Because if it did, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
I’ve been to so many doctors and spent so much money on therapy at this point, and all I’ve gotten so far is that I’m depressed. Doctor after doctor keeps telling me that. Time after time, I have to hear my story come out of my mouth, and time and time again, I burst out in tears of misery and depression.
Look. I’m not trying to say that my brother is a cold asshole. I know he means well and that he understands it, and he’s actually been a lot of help to me. For emotional support, for financial support and most of all, to have some normalcy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from the depression, it is that you have to find the people in your life that gives you normalcy. It’s the most valuable thing you can have.
Thank you for reading.
While standing in line at the store today, i decided i would buy some spearmint gum. Me and spearmint has a weird relationship. I quite commonly enjoy myself some sweet mint, and i drink peppermint tea everyday, so it’s not the fact that it’s a mint that’s weird. It’s the taste of spearmint.
I found that i hadn’t chewed spearmint gum in years. I remember when i would first try it out, i was in an even stranger phase in my life where i would take endless walks outside, listening to podcasts. A friend of mine called Darin recommended i’d listen to “Smart videogame fan”, after i had asked him for some recommendations. Back in those days, i would listen to about 5 podcasts.
My first love was Noobtoob. A podcast that no longer exists. Then the second one ever was SVGF, one that i listen to to this day. Third one was AllGenGamers, which is another podcast that continues on to this day.
A lot of days went by where i tried to distance my thoughts from everything that was going on in my mind. I tried different tactics that would help me reconcile my transsexual thoughts once and for all.
After listening to Dream Theater’s “Metropolis part 2”, and loving it, i decided i would try to believe in reincarnation. I wanted to believe that i would be a woman in the next life. There was no way i could keep telling myself that lie though! What evidence do i have that that would be the case? Wishful thinking. Nothing more than that!
I know that the album is about something else, but for me, it will always invoke some transsexual feelings. “Find out who i was at last”, really speaks to me.
Another thing i tried to tell myself was that i just wasn’t a transsexual. I mean. How could that be?? How could i be that? Chances are so astronomically low that i would be. Some random person in the middle of Sweden! No.. That life was some eccentric American’s life (That’s really how i felt about it).
After spending years battling the ever louder person inside of me, who wanted to break out so bad, i finally decided that i would have to walk this path after reading an article about a 16-year old trans girl in Germany.
I would have to start listening to the person inside of me. She was calling me to find her, and i finally listened.
Not too long after that, i decided to tell my parents. It was the end of summer when i decided to go through with it, and the beginning of fall when i told them. Very few people knew about my feelings. But i decided to tell everyone.
Regardless, i have a long way to go. Hopefully, i’m going to reach my goal of starting HRT this spring. It sounded that way on the doctor i talked to a few days ago.
I’ll probably end up wondering to myself why i even bothered closeting myself the way i am right now. Cause i still am kind of ½ way-ish. I’ve written about that many times before, so i won’t say why that is in this post. You could find that out if you wanted to.
It’s funny how one taste can invoke so many feelings.. Not sure i’m going to chew anymore spear mint after i’ve written this post, though. At least not in a very long time. The feelings are quite bad, but mostly melancholy. What was i even fighting? Why did i deny it? Seems to pointless in retrospect.
I just wanted to make it known to everyone, that the comic “Rain” has reached the 3-year milestone!
The art is good, the story is good; but you know what is the most amazing thing to me about this comic? That it’s been going steady for three straight years. That is, it hasn’t encountered indefinite hiatuses, it hasn’t waned in quality! For three long years! That alone deserves a medal.
Here’s the quote to her thoughts on the achievement:
You know, I always wanted to do a comic. And I mean, long before I started writing Rain. Before it was even a thought in my mind. The concept of a webcomic in particular offered a medium with which I could tell a story to the world, without having to impress some publishing company. I could go at my own pace to tell my story the way I want without having to bend to the whims of some so-called expert saying, “nobody wants to read a story about that.”
The thing is, I was always afraid I was too ambitious. I was afraid my ideas wouldn’t catch on and no one would be interested. Or I was afraid that I’d start, but then get discouraged or bored or sidetracked or lazy and just drop it (as I have with pretty much every other writing attempt prior to Rain). I’ve watched it happen with so many of my favorite webcomics, and I didn’t want to be just another quitter. And these fears held me back for a long time. Much in the same way, my fears held me back from starting transition until very recently.But here we are. It’s been three years now since the first page went up. The readership is far more vast than I’d ever anticipated. And people not just read, but appreciate my work. Some people say they have had their lives changed by it! It means so much to me. I don’t even have words for it. What I have with Rain, I could never have predicted. And I have every single person who has ever read this to thank for it.It was life-changing for me. I’ve learned a lot about the world, about myself, and about others like me since starting. I’ve started transition since the beginning of Rain, and I think writing this has been a bit of transition in and of itself into a serious writer. Because despite my prior fears, I’ve never felt burnt out with this story. I’ve never gotten bored. I’ve never dared to miss an update (excluding planned, announced hiatuses with planned, announced returns). I’ve had some new story ideas, but nothing that actually took away from this one. I would never dream of doing anything other than writing this to very end (which has many years left in it). And it’s all because I have you: devoted readers of all ages, genders, orientations, etc. from all over the world.So thank you. For helping me grow as a person, as a woman and as a writer, so I can continue to produce the best work I am capable of.I love you all so much! Have an amazing day!
The effort has definitely payed. To this day, she’s been mentioned in a few big LGBT networks, accrued plenty of fans… and there’s no sign of it stopping! I feel that, in the next year, we’re going to see this reach the mainstream of all the LGBT forums!
Here’s to another year! I’m proud of you, my friend! You’ve done a great job so far, and you deserve all the recognition and success in the world!
I’ve been meaning to start writing more, so i figured i’d start a new segment on my blog where i write short stories. Mainly because i’ve heard that to be a good writer, you just have to start somewhere. And this is my somewhere.
I have a bunch of stories scattered around in comment sections and facebook posts. But today, that ends. I’ll only post to my blog from now on (And maybe deviantart). This first story is called “The post-modern man”:
“I think i’m gonna blame Obama for a few hours. Then i’ll blame the smurfs, that pelican in Aladdin and the Jews. Can’t forget those lying Jews. Then when i’m done blaming all my problems on everyone else, i’ll buy a the latest smartphone. I know i got one a few months ago, but it’s not as shiny, nor does it have as many terraflops (Lol) as my old smartphone. Then when i get my smartphone, i’m gonna make sure all my many followers on instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, craigslist, myspace and orcult knows about how much in debt i just put myself in for making yet another ill-advised purchase. Then i might as well go back to complaining about how the gays are taking over and how they’re responsible for my financial problems. And i won’t go to bed until around 6am. Mainly because i need to stay up to watch cat videos and complain about how much insomnia i have. I know because i diagnosed myself on web-md, you see. Apparently, i also have every cancer, HIV, small pox and “you’re gonna die, Garrett’s” decease.
It’s always the name of a person in those deceases. I could google why that is and learn something, but taking my new smartphone out of my pocket is too much of a hassle, let alone googling it (Not that i know what i should search for to get the results). It’s probably names everywhere because everyone else is bitter about having a decease. I think it’s fantastic to have all these conditions, though. It means i get to be a victim, and everyone will have to bow down to me when i write about all my woes. And anyone who doesn’t will be blocked. No way i’m gonna look at things from a different perspective! Who do they think i am? Einstein?
It’s now 5am. Someone just told me i was a pedant. So i need to stay up three hours longer and write on my blog how i do not look like a pendant. How can everyone else be so blind? Just look at all those beautiful pictures i have on here.. I took at least 48 pictures yesterday. I couldn’t choose which one was the most lustrous of them, so i posted them all, and tagged them with every single popular tag. Including #nofilter. Because everyone needs to know that i am no fake! No makeup, no filters, no nothing. Just my beautiful face and body in all its natural splendor! It’s wonderful being me. If only everyone could see me for the smart, beautiful and fantastic person i am! They would throw parades in my honor, invite me as a guest to all dinner parties, show me all the respect that i deserve. And i would go to north Korea and give world peace to the world! And they will erect statues in my honor, give me the Nobel prize for most handsomest human being alive. And Susanne, the cheerleader in my old school would finally announce her love for me, and we will live happily ever after..”
Suddenly, the sound of an alarm clock echoed through the dirty room. A noise so loud that it made the empty coke bottles on the table next to the couch vibrate. The post-modern man wakes up in a roar of sweat and tears from the extacy of a vivid dream, and thinks to himself: It was just a dream.
I’m currently, and have been for the past few months, been getting pay checks from auntie Sammie (The Swedish equivalent of uncle Sam, as of right now). But let me back up a little first. About a year ago, i started this blog, in an attempt to reach out to like-minded individuals, and to express myself (Cause i wasn’t getting much of that at home). It was also the start of me wanting to get better. For a few months prior to starting the blog, i had really been feeling really really down.. For you see, i came out to my parents in around August of 1½ years from now. I finally came out as a transsexual. With mixed results. I mean, on one hand, i feel that most people in my family accepts it. But not dad.. And mom seem a bit embarssed about it (Seeing as she told me not to dress up the way i wanted in front of her friends).
So instead of what i was hoping for. That is, to dress the way i want, and to finally express myself the way i wanted, i slowly faded into myself again.. Now, in retrospect, i feel that a huge stone was at least lifted from my shoulders because i told them all. So that’s gone at least. But i got no real support, i feel.. And in all honesty, i haven’t really recovered from then. I hardly ever go out in public dressed the way i want. Mainly because of my hair (It just isn’t fooling anyone), but also because i lack the encouragement. A lot of other transsexuals had far more encouragement in their surroundings, so for them, it was much easier… But anyway. I’ve digressed long enough.
So i thought long and hard, and after a lot of dysphoria and depression later, i finally started to reach out in another way. I decided to put my transsexual issues, not on the backburner, but not as the main goal. I decided to get the help for my depression and anxiety (Which was no doubt caused by me being made to feel ashamed of myself, rather than anything else.. But also because of other things, which i’ll explain at a later date), while also talking about my trans issues.. Long story short, i’ve moved out of my parents place, i have a steady income, i work at a photo restoration buisness as an intern of sorts, and i’m a month shy of finally finally being able to meet an expert on transsexuals. Which means that i’ll finally get to start my transition.
The reason why i’m telling everyone this is because of other people around me. I’ve had to slaughter a lot of lazy snorlaxes to get where i am. Both within myself, but also people around me who i feel was just bringing me down. Some people stomp and stomp in the same place for years and years (I was like that for a while, prior to coming out) and never get ANYWHERE! And it makes me fucking sick. Because here i am, from a point of which i thought there was no escape from, still with a lot of issues i need to solve, and yet, so many other people aren’t willing to do anything! The thing is that you can climb out of the pit that you’ve dug for yourself. But the first and most frightening step is to admit it to yourself that you need help, and that you have to climb..
I don’t know if i’m even making sense. I just feel that, if i can make it better for myself, then so can anyone. At least the people who are stuck in a rot, living at their parents place and feeling anxious all the time. Or people living for a wage packet. You can make life better for yourself. The only question is: do you even want a better life?
I would have reblogged this, but the woman in question didn’t write it as a blog post, but rather, a reddit post. So i’m just going to link it and quote it. Hope the author won’t mind. Just thought people would be happy to read it.
When I first came out to my family, it was hard, they were conservative Catholic Christians, and it took about 3 years for them to even go back to talking to me again, the first Christmas we spent together, I wasn’t in girl mode yet, I was still only taking hormones, we all went to my parent’s home to celebrate it.
This same christmas, my brother was visiting from Brazil with his wife and his 7 year old daughter.
When it came to gift opening, everyone got really awesome gifts, between game consoles, and tvs and laptops, all I got from my family were very manly gifts that I so hated, like tuxedos and shoes (which were donated the next day to a charity for people who need them), and saw that nobody gave a crap about it despite me being super sad about it, everyone was too busy looking at their gifts, I gave my niece a wii with like 3 games and she loved it.
Anyway, night settled in, we ate our dinner, and I was still supper bummed out but hiding it well. When everyone went to do their own thing, between playing with their gifts or just talking, my niece tugged on my pants when nobody was looking and asked me to follow her quietly, I thought she was bringing me to play wii with her, but she dragged me upstairs to her room, and she asked me to close the door behind me, at this point I still have no idea what’s going on.
Right now I’m staring at her, and she turns around, she opens up this drawer, takes out a bunch of her clothes out and takes out 3 tiny boxes and hands them to me.
I open them and they’re really really cute earrings, and she tells me: “I saved up some of my lunch money and got you these earrings so you can be pretty like me one day”
I have never cried so much in my life, nowadays everything is a lot better, and my family has come to accept who I am.
EDIT: Wow, that was a lot of responses, thank you everyone, I will post a picture of the earrings when I get home 🙂
EDIT2: Here you go, a picture of the 3 earrings ( made of seashells )