Tag Archive | rain

Rain, the story of a transsexual, turns 3 years!

I just wanted to make it known to everyone, that the comic “Rain” has reached the 3-year milestone!

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http://jocelynsamara.deviantart.com/art/3-Years-of-Rain-416678040

The art is good, the story is good; but you know what is the most amazing thing to me about this comic? That it’s been going steady for three straight years. That is, it hasn’t encountered indefinite hiatuses, it hasn’t waned in quality! For three long years! That alone deserves a medal.

Here’s the quote to her thoughts on the achievement:

You know, I always wanted to do a comic.  And I mean, long before I started writing Rain.  Before it was even a thought in my mind.  The concept of a webcomic in particular offered a medium with which I could tell a story to the world, without having to impress some publishing company.  I could go at my own pace to tell my story the way I want without having to bend to the whims of some so-called expert saying, “nobody wants to read a story about that.”

The thing is, I was always afraid I was too ambitious.  I was afraid my ideas wouldn’t catch on and no one would be interested.  Or I was afraid that I’d start, but then get discouraged or bored or sidetracked or lazy and just drop it (as I have with pretty much every other writing attempt prior to Rain).  I’ve watched it happen with so many of my favorite webcomics, and I didn’t want to be just another quitter.  And these fears held me back for a long time.  Much in the same way, my fears held me back from starting transition until very recently.

But here we are.  It’s been three years now since the first page went up.  The readership is far more vast than I’d ever anticipated.  And people not just read, but appreciate my work.  Some people say they have had their lives changed by it!  It means so much to me.  I don’t even have words for it.  What I have with Rain, I could never have predicted.  And I have every single person who has ever read this to thank for it.
It was life-changing for me.  I’ve learned a lot about the world, about myself, and about others like me since starting.  I’ve started transition since the beginning of Rain, and I think writing this has been a bit of transition in and of itself into a serious writer.  Because despite my prior fears, I’ve never felt burnt out with this story.  I’ve never gotten bored.  I’ve never dared to miss an update (excluding planned, announced hiatuses with planned, announced returns).  I’ve had some new story ideas, but nothing that actually took away from this one.  I would never dream of doing anything other than writing this to very end (which has many years left in it).  And it’s all because I have you: devoted readers of all ages, genders, orientations, etc. from all over the world.
So thank you.  For helping me grow as a person, as a woman and as a writer, so I can continue to produce the best work I am capable of.
I love you all so much!  Have an amazing day!

The effort has definitely payed. To this day, she’s been mentioned in a few big LGBT networks, accrued plenty of fans… and there’s no sign of it stopping! I feel that, in the next year, we’re going to see this reach the mainstream of all the LGBT forums!

Here’s to another year! I’m proud of you, my friend! You’ve done a great job so far, and you deserve all the recognition and success in the world!

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Transgender nails!

Not sure if i really have anything on my mind worth writing about, but i found this picture, posted by one of the members of the transsexual community on reddit (Of which i am a part of, and i recommend everyone else going there too), that i just had to share.

RN1EqB8

 

Now, if you’re anything like me, your first reaction will be: I’m totally stealing this. Too fabulous to pass up!
And yes, it is. For those who might be unaware, it’s the transsexual flag on her fingernails. I was already a fan of painting my nails, and i had always wanted to go with multiple colors. So why not do this! This will be our project. If any transsexual, woman, or man; whoever’s reading this, and you’re into painting your nails, by all means, i’d love to see your nail art, or your color mixes. (:

Other small news

I am currently scanning my old old harddrive for the files i have on it. It got corrupted a long time ago, and i just now got to trying to get the files off of it. It’ll be done tomorrow at around noon.. One of my mail reasons for doing it now of all times, is because i need some material for a video i’m going to make. My first ever video. Not going to say anything more than that. But it’ll be great.. For me at least.

No transgender news.. Oh, i made a picture yesterday (Just shaded it, really). Tried a lot of new stuff. Didn’t turn out that well. But here it is anyway, just in case someone wants to see:

rain_chapter_14_remix_by_q9r42-d5z0cbi

And that about does it. I’ll leave you with this video:

About that friend – Transsexual talk, my hero Jocelyn and lots of trans questions answered

I’ve talked about Jocelyn quite a lot the last few posts, but i haven’t really said much about her, and what she means to me. But i figured that, now that she’s 4 months in on her hormone treatment, and i’m finally done cleaning the apartment, i should write about her.

four_months_by_jocelyncd-d5r9cr6

I found her about two years ago. Around the time when she released the very first Rain concept images. No doubt, i was searching for the term “transsexual” or “crossdress” on deviantart. I used to do that back then. Haven’t done so in a while now. But i digress.
Rain, if i haven’t made it clear already, is her ongoing internet comic series about a transsexual teen going through highschool. Not the most original premise ever, but don’t let that fool you. It’s actually a very well thought out series with a lot of twists, turns and the occasional trans-PSAs (Usually written in a subversive, indirect and implicit manner). Needless to say, i’m a big fan of the series, but i’m more so a fan of the person behind it, Jocelyn (Or Lynn, as she’s referred to as by some).

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It takes a lot for me to admire someone. Like many others, i’ve gone through a lot of really horrible periods in my life where i’ve felt that i’ve been let down by people i thought were my friends. I feel like that is changing now that i’m out as a transsexual, and am about to get some professional help with my transgender issues (Hopefully’ll get a time sometime soon). But my trust in her has not been misplaced, i feel. Sure, i can’t really say she’s my friend, sadly, but maybe one day, she would be (Don’t want to jinx myself on that one). Anyway.. Tangent, tangent.

She’s helped me when i needed the help. About my transsexual issues and all that. And i mean.. Who am i anyway? Why on earth would she help me? I’m just some random person on the internet when all is said and done, and yet she’s helped me a lot, when i’ve been sad, distraught and concerned. How couldn’t i admire something like that in a person?

One of the best things she’s done for me by far, is answering a questionnaire i concocted last fall, and she even gave me permission to post it. Figured i’d end this post with it.
But yes.. What more can i say? She helped motivate me to be open about my transsexuality, she’s encouraged me both explicitly  with the advice she’s given to me personally; and implicitly, with the passion that she radiates.
And i know i’m not alone with feeling so happy for what she’s done, because she’s become a bit of a central figure on deviantart in all things transsexual. She’s brought the community much needed respect, dignity and kindness, and i know she’ll only continue to grow larger, and do more as she gets the eyes of more people.

She’s one of the few people i could call a hero, and i’m very shameless about that. To call her a friend would be a luxury i’d love to indulge myself in one day, but until then, if such a time would come to pass, i’m going to admire her from afar.

Her deviantart page can be found here
This is the very start of the Rain comic, which i recommend strongly
Also, make sure to check out her other artwork and projects here (The gallery folders at the left-hand side)
And she’s still accepting donations for her trans fund (Sadly, she needs money for that)

So yea.. I hope i turned on at least one person to her. If i did, please notify me on here or twitter, i’d love to know if i did.

The questionnaire:

*What does your lady love think of your transsexualism? 
My lady love (her name is Kelly, just in case I have to address her again at any point on this list) has pretty much always been supportive. She was one of the very first people I came out to BEFORE we even got together. Ironically, I really liked her, but I only came out to her because I didn’t think I stood a chance with her. She didn’t tell me to my face at the time, but she was very bothered when I first told her. But she spent a week researching the subject (as she knew nothing about it), and came to understand things a bit better. Less than a month later, she asked me out. She, being bisexual, decided it wasn’t a big deal either way. Although she said up front, “If you’re going to be a woman, then be a woman. If you want to be a man, that’s fine too. Just don’t change your mind back and forth and jerk me around.” She didn’t have to tell me twice. ^_^

Today, she’s my rock. Kelly has always been there to give me advice when I needed it. Tell me I’m pretty when I needed it. Stand up for me when I couldn’t. Let me know when I overlooked something that would clock me in an instant if I stepped outside. She’s always been in my corner and I honestly don’t know if I’d have made it this far without her.

Incidentally, I hear a lot relationships between a trans and a cis have a tendency to crash and burn. So what’s our secret? My being trans was NEVER a secret to her. I think a lot of transfolk try to hide it from their partner – one way or the other – and it ends up being a shock to the others’ system when the transperson either comes out or slips up. And sometimes, that ends REALLY badly (these things can turn violent, unfortunately). So the he key is honesty, just like any relationship. If you don’t feel like you can tell your partner your deepest secrets, then you’re probably not a good match.

*Are you in any way attracted to guys as well, or are you completely lesbian? 
It’s hard to explain. I would consider myself a lesbian. I am genuinely attracted to women, and I can’t see anything changing that. I’ve heard some testimonies of MtFs who present as straight men before transition, and turn out to be straight women afterward. There are theories that hormones may affect sexuality. Personally, I don’t buy this. In my humble opinion, I believe in a majority of these cases, the MtF in question had bi tendencies and either didn’t realize it or didn’t act on it. As a man, they just wanted to fit in, so they went the safe route. As a woman, they can finally act on that same normalcy, but the way they wanted though.

That said, I would be lying if I told you I’ve never been attracted to a man (even before hormones). But I still wouldn’t consider myself bisexual. It’s usually actors or celebrities though (or other unusually “pretty” men). I’m also not ashamed to admit attraction to pre-op MtFs or post-op FtMs. All that said, I maintain that I’m a lesbian.

My attraction to men, I believe, is that little idea that it’d be normal. Like, if it were myself post-op and a guy, I’d be a completely regular girl with her guy. It’s just “normal”. I’d have no problem hugging or kissing him either… I just couldn’t go any farther than that. Certain manly traits, not just deter, but outright repulse me. Body hair is just vile in my opinion. And don’t get me started on the penis itself. I don’t want anything to do with my own; the LAST thing I want to do is interact with someone else’s. More power to the straight transgirls out there, but you know what, it’s just not for me. Hence, I am a lesbian.

Not that any of this matters anyway, since I’ve been happily married to Kelly for four years (and together with her for seven).

*Do you masturbate and/or have sex, and if so, what are your thoughts on that, as a transsexual who wants to change sex physically? 
I’m not a terribly sexual person myself, but I have masturbated and I have had sex. It’s strange. Physically, it feels good. Mentally, it’s very relieving. Emotionally, it’s just wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain, but I think that’s the best way to describe it.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never been very active “sexually”, but I haven’t done anything since starting hormones (which are known – albeit not guaranteed – to decrease libido).

*Have you ever doubted your transsexuality, so to speak? Could you go into detail on what lead you to the conclusion that it must be dysphoria? And did you contact any other transsexuals before concluding it? 
I never really doubted it. I tried to deny. To cure it. To make it go away. But doubting it? There was never a doubt in my mind.

You’ve probably heard my “earliest childhood memory” story a thousand times by now, right? When I told my dad, “I wish I was a girl” at age 3 or 4, despite not having any concept of the differences of the sexes. Although he discouraged that behavior right then and there (enough that I’d never tell anyone else about this until I was 20), it didn’t stop me from feeling that way. In fact, the older I got, the stronger the feeling became. And when I was 15 or so and first learned the word “transsexual” on the internet, my first reaction was something akin to “Oh my god, there’s a word for it! I’m NOT the only one! I’m not some lone freak!”

Sadly, I still FELT like the only one for most of my life. I didn’t start meeting other “transgendered” people until I was 21 and started dressing up myself. But the people I met weren’t transsexuals; they were dragqueens. This is admittedly better than nothing, but we just didn’t share that connection, because they didn’t want to actually BE women. No, I didn’t start meeting other transsexuals until I started posting Rain two years ago. As a story that appeals to that culture, it was only natural that it’d help me meet people (albeit, not in person).

And it wasn’t until LAST year during the Summer when I moved to Albany that I started actually personally meeting other transsexuals for the first time. Sadly, I still think I’m closer to my DA friends than anyone I’ve physically met, but again, it’s nice to know there are others.

*If you did contact other transsexuals, what about their stories made you more confident in your own identity? 
When I started first meeting other transfolk, they were all very different. Everyone was a different age, different ethnicity, different faith, etc.. But the one alarmingly common thing I noticed was that all of them had at least started transition. For me at the time, this was discouraging in its own right. It made me feel alone all over again. Like I was doing something wrong. And yet, it was simultaneously uplifting. It showed that my goal was indeed attainable. That I really could do this. I mean, they all did!

I met one particular post-op transwoman just months before I started therapy. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t like her as a person (her attitude rubbed me the wrong way), but she’s a huge inspiration for me. Because she began transition at the same age as me now, and finished in four years. It just made everything feel possible. I don’t know if four years is really in the cards for me (I’m a mess, financially), but I feel like it’s something to strive for. My being post-op by 31 is an attainable and appealing goal, and I’m willing to go for it.

*Do you have to deal with hair loss? If so, what advice do you have to mask it? 
I have very thin hair, unfortunately. Especially in front. Hormones are said to help that by making your existing hair more voluminous, but it won’t GROW hair. So it was very important to me that I kept it on my head at least before hormones (as odd as that might sound). Still, if it is going to do anything to the hair on my head, it hasn’t happened yet in these first two months. To adjust, I’ve changed my part. As a guy, it was always just easiest to keep my part in the middle… but it looked BAD when presenting as a girl. If you look at any of my photos though, I always part to the side. I still have more forehead than I’d like, but it covers all the stringy spots.

Just make sure you’re taking care of it. Shampoo and conditioner every OTHER day. Trim split ends. Basic stuff.

*What thoughts are running through your mind when you look at yourself? I’d like to know in detail, how you feel about it. 
This has changed a little in the last two months, so I’ll explain in two parts.

Before, I flat out hated my reflection. I have a mix of Italian and Irish in my blood. Italian dark black hair, and Irish pale white skin. So even after the best shave jobs, my five o’clock shadow was always visible even if you couldn’t feel it (still is, unfortunately, but I’m working on that). Combined with my thinning hair (as I mentioned above) and my curveless body (not the good kind anyway, since I’m a little overweight). Honestly, I find it kinda funny that so many people think I make a pretty girl (not to toot my horn, but myself included), because as a guy I feel like I just look like that person parents warn their kids to stay away from. :XD:

Since starting hormones though, there’s a fair bit more confidence. Even when I’m not presenting as female (although I’m trying to more often). When I see my face, it looks different to me. I can’t explain how. I genuinely don’t know WHAT is different, but I feel like my face just appears more feminine. That fact does wonders for my self-esteem.

*Also, do you have issues showering some days? 
Oddly, no. I hear a lot of transfolk have trouble with the shower, but it’s never really been an issue for me. I mean, no, I don’t like my naked body. However, when I’m in the shower, my glasses are off and I’m blind as a bat. So, I’m actually quite a bit better more at peace in the shower than I am practically anywhere else.

*Name a few things that make you feel dysphoric? 
Dumb things. Like when people address me as a guy or associate me with masculine things because I appear to be a man. It seems so trivial, but when people say things like that, it wrecks me. Sometimes a single innocent comment can debilitate me for a week. I wish I knew why, and I wish I could stop it. It’s become less frequent, and admittedly hasn’t happened at all in the last two months, but somehow I don’t think this mindset is going to just go away cold turkey like that.

*Does it depress you when you put on men’s clothing, and at what age did it really start to affect you? 
Yes. To be fair, it used to not be so bad on a regular basis when I was just always presenting male. It was a bit of an nuisance and I didn’t like it back then, but it didn’t actively bother me often until I started actually owning my own female clothes. And usually it was the result of having to switch directly from female garb to male garb. Admittedly, I kinda shot myself in the foot with this one, because among the first girly clothes I’d owned were pajamas, so virtually anytime I had to go to work first thing in the morning… well, you get the idea.

Before I started owning my own girl clothes, like I said, I still didn’t like dressing as a boy. That said, it was usually only when I saw a girl wearing something particularly pretty that I would look down and hate myself for the wardrobe I was stuck with. (Catholic school was rough for me because I liked their uniforms.) I occasionally snuck into my parents’ room as a teenager and tried on my mom’s clothes to cope, but I admit it wasn’t a big deal for me either way. My mom’s just not a skirt or dress kind of gal like I am.

*What about jealousy? Are you easily envious of other women’s appearances and general womanliness? I’d like to know some detail here too. 
Yes and no.

No, because I have always been decidedly feminine, and when I dress up, it’s clear. I don’t have big feet or big hands or a manly face or a prominent adam’s apple. I’m technically taller than the average woman, but only by two inches (which isn’t that big of a deal). I’ve got dainty mannerisms, and where I need to learn has been easy for me to adapt to. In general, I can honestly say transition is probably going to be easy for me in general. I’m very fortunate in this regard, and I’m very grateful for this. I firmly believe there’s not a person alive that is incapable of passing (sometimes, it just requires more work), but those transfolk who aren’t quite as fortunate get a world of sympathy from me.

But I do suffer envy quite a bit. Usually when I’m presenting as male, and a pretty girl walks by. I’ll like something she’s wearing and wish I could ask where she got it. Or she’ll be notably easy on the eyes and very well-endowed to a degree that even after years on hormones, I’ll likely never reach. These kinds of situations suck.

*What are your thoughts on other transsexuals? 
Depends. I like the ones I’ve met on DeviantArt; easily some among the best people I’ve ever met. And the gals I’ve met in my voice therapy class are themselves wonderful people. For the most part though, the transfolk I’ve met at the support group meetings rub me the wrong way (which says a lot, if you think about it). Actually, the transmen are fine. They’re very open and laid back and supportive. But some of transwomen are just clicky or catty or selfish to an obscene degree. It’s like, none of us are high-schoolers here; can we not be like this?

I’d pretty much long since given up on that place, but last month when I was in that brief period after I started hormones, but before I published my book, I went. I was two weeks in and I was excited and I wanted to share it with others who’d understand. But this day, I went (it was the “trans meet-and-greet” rather than the support group session), I just tried to mingle. This one transgirl asked me the words I wanted to hear: “So what’s new?” And I told her. I explained that I’d finally just started and I was really happy about. She basically blew me off. She was quiet for a long time, and then with a condescending “oooooookay” just started talking to someone else. This was particularly offensive to me on the grounds that I recall her mentioning in one of the meetings last year how much she hating being judged. Wow, hypocrite. But that’s pretty much the status quo for those girls. It’s all “I’m trans and life is so difficult for me and me alone!” to a room full of other trans people who’ve faced many of the exact same issues. They’re so selfish, it’s scary.

That turned into kind of a rant. Sorry. ^^;

But again, the transsexuals I’ve met elsewhere have been fine. At the voice class, there’s camaraderie, and we look out for each other and help each other. It’s a two-hour session on practicing a female voice, but I get more emotional support out of it than the support groups! And DA, is the best online trans community I’ve ever seen (including trans-specific forums). If I have a problem, I can share it and get advice. And lots of people in turn ask me for advice, and that too means the world to me.

The trans community is one that still faces a lot of persecution and misunderstanding, so I believe we SHOULD all be helping each other (far more than we do). Getting all catty or selfish has no place in this community, and I believe it’s the reason there IS so much misunderstanding about us.

*How long did you live as a woman, before finally getting the professional help you needed? 
This is a somewhat difficult question, because even after two months on hormones, I’m still not living fulltime. Since I was 21, I’ve tried to present as female as often as I can. It’s become more frequent over the years, but even at 28, I hesitate to say I’m “living as a woman”. A lot of the reason is confidence with passability. I know you’d probably think, “You look fine, though! How could you think you don’t pass?”

I can pass. Approximately every other day. It’s something about the way my facial hair grows in. Like I said earlier, even after I shave thoroughly, it’s visible. So foundation is a necessity if I want to go outside presenting as female. And then it grows back fast. If I shaved that morning, I may be feeling it already by early evening. When if first grows back, it’s short and course and doesn’t shave right at all; half the time, resulting in a bloody face post-shave. Following that, when I put the makeup on, it just clings to the tips of my five o’clock shadow that cannot be shaved and accentuates it! As such, I can’t present as female two days in a row at this time, which limits my ability to live as a woman. That’ll change once I can start laser surgery, but I’m just not in a good financial situation for it right now, so it’ll have to wait.

*What were some ups and downs about that period? Did you go as a man some days and as a woman most days? Would you say you pass in public for the most part? 
I’m not sure what to add here, since I think I said it all already in the last question. ^^;

*What was it like, to meet with an expert on the subject, and did he have any questions for you before concluding that you were in need of help with your gender reassignment and that you were indeed transgender? 
I’m not gonna lie, I struck gold with my therapist. He’s actually an FtM, and has been through most of transition himself (I actually didn’t know this when I picked him). About twenty minutes into our first session, he said to me, “There are no wrong answers. You came in here and told me you were trans, and I have no reason to doubt that. So nothing you say will make you seem any less of a woman to me. Just be honest. You don’t need to hide anything. You don’t need to try and give me the answers you think I want to hear. Just say it like it is.”

And he’s right. It’s ironic that we need to be “diagnosed” as transgendered before we can begin transition, because it’s just not something we can literally prove. Since meeting him, I’ve adopted his philosophy that if someone says they’re trans, I’ll believe them and treat them as such. I can’t disprove anyone, because what being trans is is different for everyone.

Anyway, he’s still legally required three months of sessions before being allowed to recommend me to an endocrinologist though. So rather than spending that time having me trying to prove what he’s already long accepted, he told me to bring questions to future sessions. He asked me to address my fears and concerns. After the last session, he emailed me a worksheet with a list of personal questions (kind of like this, actually) for me to fill out. This way he had all the information he needed for my letter in one place.

*Also, could you go more into detail on how the meeting transpired? 
I had five sessions with him, roughly two weeks apart, all fifty minutes a piece (and I’d like to see him again, now that I’ve started transition). He was very open and supportive. When I asked him questions, he either had an answer or he actively looked into it for me. The sessions were very casual and conversational and didn’t consist of him writing in a notepad and offering one-word answers. Really, he was great.

*Would you consider yourself to be educated when it comes to transsexualism, transgenderism, gender reassignment, sex change, etc? 
Yes. I believe I am.

*If so, do you know how much regulation and state/federal government intervention there is in the process of gender reassignment, and how much of it is in the private sector? (If this question even makes sense) 
I think I get it, but that IS dependent on where you live. You live in a different country to the point where the situation is going to be different. The policies on just changing one’s name are drastically variable from state to state over here, and it’s possible even the actual transition is different. And even that’s a nightmare. For my state of New York, it’s somewhat expensive, and takes a bit of time. But the part that bothers me most is that you need to kind of publicly announce it in a newspaper or periodical of some sort. Which… just seems counter-productive for someone trying to transition.

*What more hoops and bounds are you gonna have to jump before reaching the end goal. The money issues, in case you’re able to get a grant of some sort (Talking about if there is a socialized aspect in the US), the legal aspects, the surgeries. What does it look like for you? The plan, so to speak. 
The surgery, I’ve heard is STUPIDLY expensive, and most insurances do not cover it (supposedly, mine actually does, but I won’t hold my breath as a lot can change in the next couple years). I’ve actually heard a lot US citizens will go up to Canada for the surgery, so I assume it’s cheaper or easier (although, I don’t know the details). There’s also the Thailand(?) option which is definitely a lot cheaper, but I hear it’s not exactly ideal.

I admit, I’m so caught up with making sure I can pay for my name change and laser hair removal, that I’m just gonna bank on the insurance for now and hope I still have it or it’s still applicable by then.

*How often do you get people outing and being generally mean towards you because you’re transsexual? 
Thankfully, not often. But it does happen, and when it does, it sucks.

The plus side is that for every douchebag or ignoramus who gives me a hard time, there’s countless friends on and offline who’ve got my back. At the risk of sounding like a cheesy kid show, I couldn’t have ever gotten this far without my friends.

*What precautions have you taken to defend yourself? 
I’ve considered buying a knife; one that I’d hope never to have to use, but something that might offer a little peace of mind when I’m out by myself late at night (because being a guy alone and being a girl alone are two very different experiences). That would be just another expense though, so in the meantime, I usually have a box-cutter I accidentally took home from an old job (it really was an accident, I swear). It’s not as effective, but it’s better than being completely unarmed.

*How did you come up with the name, Jocelyn? (It’s a really nice name by the way ^w^). Is it a female version of your parent-given name? 
My birth name is Josh, so while Jocelyn isn’t the “female version” per se, it does sound a little similar. Originally, it was meant as a placeholder to make things easier for my friends to remember. I didn’t want to cause confusion when I came out to them years ago, so I chose something that wasn’t a far stretch that they could adapt to easily.

But somewhere along the line, I grew very attached to it. I like “Jocelyn” in the way it sounds, as it is both pretty and distinctly feminine. A lot of people I introduce myself to typically make a point to tell me what a lovely name I’ve got (nobody ever said that about Josh). It’s also unique, without being bizarre (as in, I don’t personally know any Jocelyns currently, so it stands out; yet I have met or heard of Jocelyns in the past, with this or other spellings).

If I hadn’t been Jocelyn, I honestly don’t know what I’d be though. My personal favorite girl’s name is Lydia, but I actually kind of had that reserved for if I ever had a daughter someday (even though I no longer have intention of having kids anymore). At this point, I just can’t associate it with myself. So in the end, Jocelyn will do.

Also, my chosen middle name is Charity. I don’t like it as a first name, but I think it follows up my chosen name very nicely as a middle name.

*Have you gone through a time in your life when you’ve felt trapped? Like, maybe your parents has limited your ability to be yourself? If so, how was that like for you? 
Yeah. The first 28 years of my life ring a bell on that one. Again, when I first told someone how I wanted to be a girl, I was just a little kid “who didn’t know any better”. My dad responded “No you don’t” and ended that conversation in a hurry. And even at that very young age, that experience etched it in my head that this is a taboo subject and I should not bring it up. And I didn’t, which led me to feeling alone. I always wanted to bring it up, but I’m a pleaser by nature and I didn’t want anyone – least of all my parents – to be mad at me. As an adult, I look back and I wish I had pushed it more, really stressed that this in fact was how I felt. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to wait until 28 to start. But I couldn’t do it and disappoint them. I don’t really blame them though; honestly, I trapped myself.

After I moved out of my parents place (whom I would come out to for real to two years later, and as it turns out, the very accepting), I set out to transition. I was 20. But despite my personal freedom, and the support of my friends, I became trapped in a new place completely devoid of professional support. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was literally the ONLY transperson living in that town at that time because there was absolutely nowhere I could go. The closest place required me to get a car, drive out to get on a ferry to Vermont and seek help there. That was not an option. Especially since my job wasn’t paying me enough to save anything AND wasn’t giving me insurance. In other words, even if I could get out there, I wouldn’t have been able to pay for anything. I was still trapped; it was just a different kind of trapped.

*And finally. What advice can you impart with to a transsexual living in a small town, soon to move out of her parents place, and basically starting to live like a woman full time? Any tips for enhancing the female parts and reducing the male parts when it comes to clothing? Any advice on where to shop?
The hows the whys, and general advice on living as a transsexual male to female. I would very much appreciate it. 

For a transsexual living in a small town, soon to move out of her parents place, I would recommend trying to find a not-so-small town. As I mentioned just above, I was trapped for over seven years with no professional support available to me so that I could actually start transition. I think small towns are ideal post transition, because they’re small, quiet, uneventful; in a word, they’re safe. But during transition, you want places you can go, whether for direct support to help you transition, or a place where you can just talk out your feelings. I mean, I should clarify: if you know there are places for support nearby, then don’t throw that away for the possibility of more. But before moving, I would recommend trying to research where you’re going, this way you know you have access to the things you need.

Padding is a transgirl’s best friend and they’re more common than you probably realize. Genetic women are sometimes not well-endowed, hence there is padding to increase the bust by a cup size for those who wish to have more without resorting to expensive surgery. With a bra (especially a padded bra), they’ll work just as well for a transgirl. I also have what I call my “magic boob trick” to even give go the extra mile and give you cleavage. Have I shared this with you before? You’d need two sets of padding – one adhesive and one foam. With the adhesive, you place them as far on your chest from each other as possible while still covering the nipple. When the clasp is done, you’ll already have cleavage. The additional foam pads (held in place by a bra) give lift and perfect, realistic cleavage from any angle.

There’s also padding to enhance the hips and butt, thus creating natural-looking curvature. They’re quite a bit more expensive though, unfortunately. I don’t even own any myself, but I know they exist.

As for hiding the “you-know-what”, you’ll want to get used to tight undergarments. Personally, I recommend pantyhose or Spanx. Even if you’re not wearing a skirt or dress, pantyhose is still fine to wear under pants (and actually keeps your legs REALLY warm in the Winter). The same with Spanx, except in that case, it doesn’t cover your whole leg (so it’s more idea for warm weather). Either way, you tuck first and put that on over it.

Are you familiar with tucking? I guess I should just explain. The trick is to push the testes back up into your abdomen. There’s this natural cavity there that they can fit into (contrary to popular belief, they cannot get stuck there; in fact, they’ll likely have trouble staying put so you usually need to act fast). Then the penis itself is tucked as far back as possible to be out of the way. And then you use your tight undergarment to hold everything in place. It seems tricky and feels a little uncomfortable the first time you try it, but it gets easier every time until it becomes second nature. But if done right, you should be able to wear even a relatively formfitting skirt without any unsightly bulges.

Er-hem. I’ve also heard testimony that duct tape also works, but I don’t think I’d recommend that. It sounds really painful, and I’m pretty sure that can become potentially dangerous if left on for too long.

Some transgirls have difficulty tucking, whether because they can’t find that cavity or they’re especially “well-endowed” or something. Honestly, that’s okay. You CAN get away with not doing it, but that depends on your clothes. You’d need a long shirt, something long enough to conceal that part of your body. Or you need a flowy skirt. Something that naturally comes out and does not cling to the body. If you do this, tucking isn’t quite as necessary.

Now, tucking will NOT prevent spontaneous erections. However, if done correctly, it should prevent it from “going anywhere” and revealing itself. Unfortunately, the feeling of it being bound while like that will still be very uncomfortable. Just try to ignore it (watch your hands!) and it’ll go away on its own. Obviously, if you have one prior to tucking, there’s not much you can do, and you’re really stuck just waiting it out.

Last point on tucking: try to go to the bathroom BEFORE going out en femme. Yes, if you’ve done everything all right and pass well enough, you should be able to use a public ladies’ room with no issue. However, going to the bathroom will require you to untuck and have to redo everything, which can bring with it the potential for error. In my personal experience, it’s always harder to do the second time (for reasons I honestly can’t explain).

If I knew more about your body type, I might be able to recommend specific types of clothes. But as is, here’s some basic advice. Many transgirls are excited to finally be able to dress how they want and they end up overdoing it with showy, sexy, impractical outfits that are not ideal for the setting, the weather or their body type. Even if they technically pass, it draws a lot of attention to them. And this is bad. The longer a person looks at them, the greater a possibility there is for them to be clocked. I’m not saying, “don’t wear nice things.” But you should mindful of what you are wearing. Most genetic women with common sense don’t wear over-the-top showy or exposing outfits when it’s freezing outside. If you’ve got broad shoulders, you should probably avoid sleeveless tops that might accentuate that broadness. If you’re six feet tall, you don’t need to be wearing 6-inch heels (you really don’t need to be wearing 6-inch heels anyway, honestly). And for the love of everything, unless you’re going to a convention or it’s Halloween, don’t be whipping out the Japanese schoolgirl uniform or something. Most people generally don’t cosplay on a regular basis (although admittedly, that’s a shame). ^_^

I’m telling you this because I have outfits hanging in my closet that I bought on year one of dressing up, that I’ve never been able to wear out of the house because they’re impractical. When you’re acquiring your wardrobe, get the stuff you want. Really. But try to think about the situations you’re going to be wearing them. Casual is best. It’s okay to get pretty skirts, and flashy dresses and stuff, but seriously, don’t forget a t-shirt and jeans. Once you have a solid set of clothes available to where you can leave the house in something different for a couple consecutive days, THEN you can consider spending your money on “novelty” outfits. Even if it’s just for you have to make you feel good.

Shopping itself IS tricky. But to be fair, it’s only as hard as you make it. First off, try to research your size (with several sources) before getting anything. There are conversion charts out there that will tell you the comparable female size versus the male size you’re more familiar with. Also, be warned: female sizing makes no goddamn sense. It’s not uncommon for you to wear three different sizes of the same kind of clothes just because they’re different brands (hence, why I said to check several sources; get an average size to work with).

When you’re ready to pick things out, there’s two options: the internet or the store. The internet is potentially ideal if you’re nervous about picking things out publicly. The downside is that some things look or feel different than you’d expect based on the picture online. Alternately, you could go to a physical store. Now, once you have some wardrobe, you can just dress up and take as much time looking through things as you like, but if you don’t have any girl clothes yet, that might not be an option. It’s scary to look through it as a guy. I always felt like people were watching me; not thinking I was a tranny, but that I was a filthy pervert. But you do have to keep in mind that you’re not actually doing anything wrong. If you, presenting male, bring a pile of women’s clothing to the counter, you show that you’re buying it and giving their company money… and that’s all they really care about. You don’t need to make a big scene, and you don’t have to make excuses. Of course, if you have the option, a trustworthy female friend can help everything feel much less awkward.

And after two and a half pages, I’m not sure what other advice to bring up. Although I feel like I’m forgetting something… -_-

Borderlands 2 madness, trans update (Or lack thereof), and some life and blog updates.

Borderlands 2

Been playing borderlands 2 the last week or so, and i can finally say that i’ll be taking a break from that game. For my short review, i guess i could say that the game is far better than the first one, and exceeded the hype by a million or more. Seriously, the only critique i have is that it could be longer (Even though it’s still a long game, and longer than the first) and that the ending could wrap things up in a better way. But that’s about it. It’s fun from start to end, and i urge any FPS/RPG fan to play it. It’s the definitive title of that sub genre.

borderlands2_mechro1

I played with my big brother the first playthrough, and we got so many laughs from the dialog (Handsome Jack being the best deliverer of funny lines) and characters. Played as a siren. Then the second playthrough was alone, as a mechromancer. Nothing like i thought it would be. That character class is actually more fun than the siren. The whole anarchy stacks system (Which was my main skill tree) reminds me of the warrior class in titan quest, where you’re encouraged to go up to your enemies close range.. Anyway. A lot of fun! I’ll resume my borderlands 2’ing as soon as i can get my brother here again for the second difficulty level.

Fever and teeth issues

As for everything else in life. I’ve been fighting through a fever all this time playing borderlands 2; same with my brother, he also had a fever. But things are starting to look better now, i  think i’m through with the fever now, and the coughing has subsided ever so slightly. I should be feeling fine in a few days.
Also, i got time with a dentist this Monday (As in, Tomorrow) to check on my teeth. They’ve been hurting like a mother hobbard as of late, and have been in a really bad shape for over two years or so now.

tooth-cavity

For instance, two of them have shattered. So that should tell anyone with teeth woes a lot about the pain that comes from time to time. Oh well, at least i’ll know what needs to be done tomorrow, after the check. Which is all i’m going in for. We do have universal healthcare in Sweden, and we’re pretty awesome about everything health related, but we’re still lagging behind in social toothcare, in that, there is none.

Transsexual update

My trans-issues.. Still haven’t gotten an answer. I might have gotten one, only, it’s still at my parent’s place. I might walk to my parents (Which is on the other side of town, a 50 minute walk) tomorrow after i’m done at the dentist, and we’ll see then. My aunt called in to the doctors place to see if they couldn’t extend my “sick leave” (Not that it’s really a leave.. But in Sweden, i have a lot of reasons to be considered on “Sick leave”) and maybe hook me up with a few more pills for sleeping.. Not sure if i’ll need it though, so we’ll have to see. But mostly, i’ll want to be considered on sick leave so i can get a job part time or something like that. More as it develops.

waiting
As for trans stuff in general. I haven’t been too keen on it as of late. I feel very demoralized and just scared of dressing myself as of late (The last two weeks or so), and i haven’t been able to look myself in the mirror either. Thankfully, borderlands 2 has helped distracted me from this really sad state of mind i find myself in.. But i feel something’s gotta give. I just feel so lost..

Meta updates

Some meta stuff. My blog has been getting alot of views lately. A lot of them are searching through google, and some are jontron fans asking about his personal life. Jocelyn on deviantart just started a new chapter of her web comic, so that’s awesome. I should do a proper write up on her content for this blog. She’s kind of a big deal to this blog. So maybe expect that?
On the subject of blogs. I still haven’t started the karma post, and really, i have’t written anything, due to my borderlands 2 playing. But i do have one called “in defense of piracy: A response to allgengamers” in the pipeline. So there’s that.

rain_ch_13___togetherness_by_jocelyncd-d5qo9qc

 

And that’s gonna conclude this post. First real one of January. Shit! The one year mark is only a few months away. Can’t believe i’ve been blogging for almost a year now. I suspect i’ll be saying that a lot now. Haha!
Trying to think if there’s anything more.. Nope. Buy borderlands 2, read “Rain”, stay strong, and be awesome.

Peace out.

Done and done, and transsexual talk

Finally got done with the last bit of unpacking and stuff today. So aside from a few things i’m going to buy later, i am officially moved in now. Took me a little less than a week.

So.. What’s coming up? Honestly, right now, i don’t feel too inspired. Kind of depressed at my hair, in all honesty. It looks horrible, and i can’t make it look good no matter what i do. I’ve heard that a lot of women wear extensions, so i guess i should give that a shot. Heck, Riki Lindholm said at one point that half her hair is extensions. Which would explain why it’s so lustrous. So maybe that will be my answer, until i can do the surgery to fix my hair. I know a lot of transsexuals do that.

Feels great having my own place though. For once. A friend of mine wrote a pretty depressing page on her comic today. You know, now that i finally live at my own place, i could record a video of me talking about it instead of me writing about it. Anyway. I think i’ve written about the comic before. It’s called “Rain”, and it’s about a transsexual going through life as a school girl. It’s really good, and i recommend checking it out.

SPOILER, by the way (The page is too good not to link here):

rain_p279___flashbacks_by_jocelyncd-d5o1liw

Next week, i’m going to focus on getting some new clothes and what not. I also want to pierce my ears so i can start wearing earrings. I promised myself i would do that. I feel that i had something else to write about, but this is all i can really think about.

I guess i’ll think about starting the video making sometimes next week too. Feeling a bit excited. Oh, and it’s almost xmas too. About 9 days here in Sweden. If you’ll excuse me, i’m off to take a little walk and listen to some George Carlin.

Leaving the pink garden

I say good bye to my pink garden to go visit friends and relatives, who live far beyond the thorns of the garden. Thorns that grow and consume the land surrounding it, making it span far across the land. Still, my friends and family live far away from it.
While driving, i looked in my rear view mirror to see the thorns at a distance. As i came closer and closer to my destination, the thorns became less and less distinguishable from anything else, as it disappeared into the horizon. To think that i used to fear it. To think that i used to let it consume the pink garden, once, long ago. It all seem so trivial now, in retrospect. It will always exist and be an issue for someone, but it no longer pesters me.

Once i got to my family and friends, it had already become sundown. You could see the clouds form pink as the sun was setting. I stepped out of my car and walked to the front door of my parents’s house. They said that they would all meet me there. My friends, parents, siblings.. I hadn’t said anything special, nor was anything of significance going to happen that night. But they all knew that it would be the last time. The last time that i would set afoot inside of that house. Not the i that is me, but the i that once was me. The ‘i’ that is struggling for its life, trying to survive. The ‘i’ that is telling me to sit down and be quiet. The ‘i’ that is telling me to stop.
I think it’s called Jante. “Well, i’m sorry, Jante, but i’m done with you. You were never welcome, and it’s a shame that i even had to know you in the first place”. That night would be the last time he told me to do anything.

I stepped into my parents house, and was greeted with friendly faces who were all eager to hear what i might say.
The darkness slowly wrapped its warm blanket upon the land, and sundown became night. I had spilled my soul everywhere that night, as well as a few tears. Tears of both joy and sadness.
As i got ready to leave, one of my oldest friends met me half way to my car, where i had parked it. He asked me if he was ever going to see me again. I explained to him that life has a lot of intertwining paths, and that ours would cross multiple times. Because even though mine will change color, texture and material, it will still act as the road that i’ve always walked on. It will just look different.

~Written by Jenna G, as a tribute to my good friend, Jocelynn.

Day 75: Summer time!

Swedish Summer

I came to the realization today that i should probably try to enjoy summer instead of just wishing it was over. Even though that is what i want, i think.. perhaps.. since summer is more than half way over already (Seriously, summer isn’t long in Sweden), i should just enjoy while it’s here. Come september, and we’ll be glad to have days reaching over 20C+.
Autumn is coming.. Can not wait to see the leaves change color, the sky turning deeper and the days growing shorter.
When people say “Hey.. It’s time to pack it up, and return to reality”.

Sick?

I think i might be allergic to something. Either something related to my bed here (Like dust) or something in the wilds. Or perhaps i’m just getting sick due to stress  related issues and the fan always being pointed towards me.. Probably the fan though!

I figured that it’s probably best to keep a more happy outlook on life. Because just thinking about “Oh, i am stressed. Woe is me” all the time, won’t help! In fact, it might just be making it worse.
Quoted a song earlier on twitter. A song by the group “D.A.D”, called “Jacketless in december”. There’s a part in it where he sings “You can still disappoint a pessimist”. Which i think is good.. You know.. Despite it looking grim now, it could always be worse.

Mario Kart

I played a little super mario 3d land earlier, but for the most part, i’ve been hooked on Mario Kart 7. Damn, is that game fun! I just unlocked mirror mode, and i played a little online too. It went well for the most part. Although the Mario Kart syndrome is always there. Which is.. Even though you kick ass and is first in a race, you could still lose. Which is nothing i fault the game on, it’s just the nature of the game.
I think 7 is becoming my favorite in the series too. It  does so many things right. But i’ll talk more on that later!

Other

All gen gamers nr 100! It was pretty great! Grats on 100 episodes. Only heard 1½ hours of it though. Out of 4½.
Took a longer bike ride today. Which was refreshing. Kind of hate this summer heat though. Weekend promises rain though. Which i looooove about the summer. Nothing like walking under an umbrella, hearing the rain all around you, the cooling winds, while listening to a podcast. Such a cosy feeling!!
And i guess that’s about it! Still struggling with this stress. But i hope i will be able to properly function soon. 3ds helps tremendously by the way! So thanks a lot, Darrin!! ^w^

Tomorrow

If i feel up for it, i will spend some time at my sister’s place, playing videogames. Hopefully, those plans will come to fruition! I will also bask in some snacks tomorrow. I think i’ve earned it. Having it a little now and then is always good.
Than i shall great the rain will open arms!!!

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