This is going to be unedited and very rambly. So don’t say i didn’t warn you!
When i was younger, my oldest sister would tell me the name i would have gotten if i was born a girl.
That memory lingers with me to this day.
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of disattachment to my own body. I look myself in the miror, but i don’t quite see what i wish was there. It couldn’t be my body, because i remember when i started developing a sixpack back when i was much more fit, i was mortified. Somehow, being more fat makes me feel a little better, because it does mask those features. It’s not what i want.
And i’m not too happy about other more male features with myself either… Some of the time. A lot of the time, i can stomach all of it except explicitly being called a man or dude or whatever. That just sits wrong with me all the time. But so does being called a woman when i’m obviously presenting male.
I have had to learn the whole nature aspect of the difference between men and women. Whereas it came naturally to everyone around me, i just couldn’t for the life of me understand why everyone made such a big deal about someone being a girl or a boy. I understand it on an intellectual level now, but being bi, i still don’t make the difference between men and women. For me, it just doesn’t matter. But i do understand the difference, and it’s something that’s good to be aware of. Men tend to be more aggressive and women tend to be more nurturing. The differences that can be attributed generally to men and women are there. It’s nature! Anyone can look up the differences of brain anatomy, secondary sexual features and gender dimorphism.
I’m ok with being a man in society, because i definetely don’t feel the massive gender dysphoria that a lot of transsexuals feel. In fact, i question whether or not i even have it. Am i just gender confused? Am i trans?
One thing that’s holding me back is the frame i have to work with! I’m not so sure i would look so good as a woman. I mean, i enjoy the girlier things in life like makeup, skirts, nailpolish and stuff. But yeah..
Suffice it to say, i’m conflicted. Because i feel that i should just move on and live my life as it is, but on the other hand, these feelings keep plauging me. I can live this way fairly easily, but part of me doesn’t want to. I feel really good when i get to express myself this other way, but more than i’m happy to admit, i feel weird about it.
For several reasons, i decided to stop with my “investigation” (As they call it) in the transsexual clinic, because it just wasn’t worth it. The bad outweighed the good. What does that say about me? I’ve already admitted to myself that i don’t feel too strongly about it, but that there is some feeling there! So it would go without saying that my other priorities, which would have been impossible or more difficult to do if i had continued with the investigation, would take precedence.
Some of my friends have told me to try hormones for a few months to see how i feel after that. Or to just live as a woman for a while. But getting the hormones is a difficult task. Because either i have to go through the system where i get a million dumb questions just so that they can be sure that i’m of sound mind, or i get them illegally. But illegally would mean that i had to trust the person selling it, i would have to messure the effect myself, i would have to be careful about the dosage, etc.
I’m not sad about this at all. It just puts me in a very contemplative mood! Because i don’t really know what to make of these feelings!
While browsing some old pics, i found one that i find to be a lot more representative (If you will) of me. I Mean, do i need to go into how there will always be some pics that are less flattering and some that are more flattering? Out of hundreds of pics, i usually only get a handful that i find to be “good pictures” of me. It really is as they say. You are your worst critic.I find that to fit for me, at least.
But anyway. Without further ado, here’s the pic!
I’ve been feeling pretty bad as of late. It’s a mix between the usual anxiety and the fact that days are getting much shorter (Seriously, I live two to four hours by by car from the arctic circle). But as any expert or amateur on anxiety will tell you. “Anxiety is your body’s way of telling that you need to change something in your life”. So naturally, under such huge amounts of it, I’ve been thinking of ways out.
So while I was out walking, I started thinking about what I should do.. I thought about the fact that I might not get a renewed contract at my work place next year (next October), that my hair is falling off, that I’m fat, and that living here is going to make me fade away into nothing. I figured I had to do something. Because I want to make something out of my life. I want to be somebody. I want to live as myself in a place I feel comfortable.
But.. There’s always a but. I have my comfort zone. I have a work here, I have relatives who helps me a lot. So how I could just pack and leave? I’d better not think of the what ifs. Because that’s not going to help me one bit. But there is a rational part of that. I have the support structure here. Over in some other place, I won’t. So it’s an undertaking. Or is it?
I figured, I need to get a perspective. I need to briefly get out of my comfort zone and weigh my options.
And what better way to do that than to visit my big sister down in Göteborg. Perhaps by doing that, I could get some perspective.
This song pretty much helped me come to this conclusion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRHAnHdfk6k&app=desktop
Yesterday, i got a call back (Already) from the clinic, and it turns out that they still want me to come! I can’t believe how lucky i am! This time, i’ve made sure that no more mistakes or misunderstandings occur! I’ll make sure that the people there understand it too! Where i’m coming from with my situation. After all, I’m partially there to tell them about myself!
I felt a sense of apathy as i left the clinic today, and i’m not sure why.
Lately, i’ve been thinking about a future for me, and to put it simply. I don’t feel very confident that i can live as a woman. Maybe it’s an evil circle? Because i feel i have no emotional support because i only feel shame about me being transgender. And that shame makes me not want to be truly open about it..
Oh, god damn it! I don’t know why i’m even thinking so much on this! I was raised to be myself at all cost, so why can’t i just do that? Don’t think about it! Don’t spend blog post after blog post going through this, time and time again! For one, it’s not fair to the readers who might be tired of the same old shit over and over again, but more importantly, all i’m doing is treading old ground! I’m not actually helping anything by being this introverted..
Let’s talk about that! I’ve had a fear for my introversion for many years, and i think this is exactly why. Introversion is good to an extent, but if you’re like me, and you’re prone to being introverted, you know how horrible it can be. It forces you face off with your demons if you’re not careful! And i know that can be good sometimes. But in my case, not really. Because i know where i need to go. I’m not really lost per se. So a fight with my demons would only make me “confirm” irrational fears i have about the path i’m going.
I’m sure this all sounds like nonsense to anyone who isn’t really introverted. Am i insane? Am i extending the metaphor a little too much?
About that feeling of apathy! It’s just me thinking too much once again. Those are my true feelings on the matter. I tend to do this a little too much!
You know. In some ways, this month seems to have gone on forever, but in some aspects, it’s come and gone.
I’ve made some great strides in terms of my android app. I completed Pokémon X. All in all, it was a pretty good month.
But now it’s that time again. Where I get nervous and excited at going to Uppsala to meet with my therapists and doctors. The reason why I made this entire blog.
So I’m going to slow down on the programming. Both to mentally prepare, but also because I have some other real life stuff to do too.
One more thing wanted to talk about. I always feel I need to be more topical on this blog. So starting after the 4th (the date I’m going to Uppsala), I’m gonna try to relay to you, the life of a transsexual in my situation. I’ll try to take more pics too. Sounds good?
Podcast app HYPE, Uppsala HYPE!!