I don’t particularly like being slightly overweight. But I can’t seem to place my health over the comfort of the stress relieving snacks. And that’s all it is. Health. Nowhere do I really care about my looks. In fact, last time I got some muscles to show, I had a panic attack and went into a depression. This was a long time ago now though.
Really, what all this means – Me being in all these pickles – is that I need to do some major change in my life. A major change I can’t seem to do. Mainly, I’m scared. I feel so safe where I am right now. How many tears and blog posts do I have to post before it really sinks in? I feel I’m retreading old ground, over and over again.
If I have the inclination tonight, I’m gonna look for jobs in Göteborg or something. That’s where I see a good future for me. All I have to do is to take that step.
Today, my blog turns one year. So let’s summerise the state of my blog, and what has happened during this first year, and let’s give some thank yous to people.
- I’ve managed to accrue 101 followers in one year. Which i think is really good.
- I get about 20 views or more a day depending whether or not i wrote a post, and what day it is. But generally, it’s a little over 20 views daily.
- I get about 2 likes a post. Sometimes none, sometimes 4.
- Most comments, i get on my twitter. Which is now up to 280 followers.
- My most viewed post has gotten over 480 views, and is about milotic as a transgender symbol. Which initially made my friend, Jocelyn, whom i talk a a lot about, angry. But i think overall, it strengthened our friendship. She came to her senses the next day.
- I’ve gone from posting daily to writing once or twice a week.
- I’ve gone from not having anything in terms of plans, to having an internship (Which the people at my job are very grateful for, i’ve been told), a psychiatrist my own flat; i’ve gotten to the doorstep of meeting with an expert on transsexuals, i can now handle my anxiety much better and i’m going to get a work psychiatrist later on too. So a lot of help.
- And i’ve started to get more into the transsexual community. Both on reddit and everywhere else.
Those are the ones i can think of right now. The major ones.
I think my blog has been very important to me, and i’m really happy that so many people would care to read what i have to say. For that, i am truly thankful.
My predictions for next year will be that i have started my transition. That’s a major one. Then i would like to go full time as a woman. I’d like to have moved out. Preferably Göteborg. The largest city in the south of Sweden (Where my big sister lives). And that’s about all i can really hope for. Who knows what life is going to bring.
Once again. Thanks to anyone who has ever read my blog, and thanks for all the twitter comments. You’re all great! ❤
I’ve had these thoughts nibbling away at me the past few days.. and perhaps even the past few years. And i feel that i’m in a stage where i can express them and externalize them. So i’m going to do that now.
For a longer time than i would like to admit, i’ve been worried about everything. More specifically, i worry about friends. I have difficulties keeping friends. And i know why. It’s because i worry too much. I worry that i’m going to lose them. I worry that they’ll feel bad about me, that they’re going to think less of me, that they’re not having a good time being with me. All these fears and worries i have. One person that comes to mind is Jocelyn. I’ve talked about her a lot on this blog as of late, and i adore her a lot. But i’ve had all these fears about her. THat she’s going to become a radical feminist, where she thinks that she’s been blind her whole life, and that she’s not seen all the harassment she’s going through 24/7. Or that she’ll become so popular that she’ll forget about all the fun interactions we’ve had, and the experiences we’ve shared with one another.
Sadly, i can’t really call her a friend. I’ve never met her. I call her an internet friend, and i would like to change it to friend. Someone who i can be there for, someone who can be there for me. Someone to have fun with. Someone to do stuff with. But what’s going to happen if i worry a lot, that she’ll just start ignoring me? What does that say about me? On an intellectual level, i need to be able to say to myself: What is wrong with you, woman? What on the holy earth that is this planet, are, you, worried, about?? That things are going to go STRAIGHT to the toilet, never to be seen again!
And i have got to stop that. I have got to stop worrying. Of course i’m always going to want to be able to share stuff with Jocelyn and all the other friends i have to. But if i worry to lose them all the time, guess what? It’s going to end up being true. A person’s worries about these sorts of things always shines right through them. No matter how hard he or she is trying to hide it. And until i can overcome these feelings, i will never be able to keep a good friend. I will be forever alone.
And another thing is that i need to stop being so negative all the time. I need to stop worrying about things that are outside of my reach. I need to. I need, i need, i need… That’s another thing. Stop being egocentric. It’s not about my needs. It’s just about being a good person. Just be yourself, to your best ability, and stop worrying, and stop thinking about who you dislike, and all of that nonsense. It’s a rabbitwhole that leads NOWHERE! And you need to stop chasing down it. Just dig yourself out of it, and stop whining!
So.. I finally, after months of feeling horrible, managed to buy myself some more makeup. Which will be fun. And that’s what it needs to be about. The good things in life.
It might seem small, but it feels big to me. This is to all the transsexuals out there: Be strong. Summon up the courage i know you have inside of you. Do what you know is right, and do it at your own pace. Stay strong.
And to the rest of you. Heed my advice. Don’t be a dumb shit (To quote Timothy Bishop). Life is too short to worry and to limit yourself only to yourself. Live life to its fullest. You know as well as i do that you can reach that full life.
Take care everybody. And thank you for reading.
I wrote to Jocelyn today, and i had an epiphany while writing. I don’t use this blog to write about my transgender issues anymore. I told as much to her, stating that when writing to her, i get a lot out of my system. Like me breaking the mirror, or feeling particularly dysphoric. It’s true though. I feel worse about myself than i have in quite some time. Like just this morning, when i had a shower. Sometimes, that can be a tough act to do. Especially when you’re in my position, where you can’t even look yourself in the mirror without feeling utter disappointment. That i won’t even dress the way i want to. To be who i am.
It’s not the easiest thing to write about, and it’s always nice to occupy my brain with fiction and escapism.. But i know that will just lead to even more depression. So where do i stand right now? Well, i’ve hyped a meeting i’ll get with some experts to the point where i feel that i will be let down by them.
I feel like kind of a wreck right now, to be honest. Sure, my anxiety problems has been getting much better, and i have been getting some stuff out to a person i see on a week to week basis. So things are happening. I just wish my month long wait to get an answer from the academic institute in upsala (Which is where it’s at) would come to an end. I’m so anxious to get to them and just spill my metaphorical guts at them. But.. In due time. I have to be patient.
In lighter news. Tried out the camera on my phone (filming-wise) today, and i have to say that i really like the quality. The sound seem to pick up pretty nicely too.
Oh, and google accepted a 360 panorama i took of an empty center in my town. Just follow this link Nexus 4 is one of the first google phones to have this feature built in. I must say that it ends up looking pretty good. It’s great software for sure.
I guess that’s all i really want to say right now. I had some more thoughts, but i really gotta get going. It’s almost time for my nightly midnight walks (It’s a little over 10pm at the moment).
Someone i would call a really cool person has left twitter now.. and it got me thinking about stuff. I’ve always had a fascination for the romance of moving on.
I could go on with the songs.. I mean, heck, a lot of the looptroop songs are about moving on and flying away. And i just don’t like the romantic version of it either, i also like traveling and moving on. It eases my troubled mind and calms my restless soul.
But yes. Vonnie was what made me feel this way this time (the cool person), and to be honest, she isn’t the first one to leave twitter, of all the cool people.
I’m just gonna get to the point. I’m thinking of leaving twitter too. At least for the time being. I feel that i’ve done my fair share of things on there, and quite frankly, i’m tired of all the same same things people say on there. Oh, you don’t like God Rickey, and like, ½ the people i follow. Great. That’s awesome. I don’t either. But really now. And i don’t blame the people who say the same thing all the time for me wanting to leave. I mean, i say the same things all the time too.
The only reason i want to leave is to move on. I want to start the youtube thing i was talking about a few months ago, and that i promised myself i would do once i moved out. And.. Yes, i see no reason not to try it. And if that works out for me, i might create a new twitter for that account. So instead of being someone followed by a narrow set of people on twitter, i could be someone that people follow because they like my videos. You know, be followed for my own merits. If that makes any sense.
I want to make that video about my past, and finally get some closure to that part of my life. To finally seal it. Well, i have my big PC right next to me, so i should try that “put your harddrive in the fridge to make it temporarily accessible”, so that i can get my files on there, and do the video properly. Sure, i will be able to do it anyway, but with the files on that disk, it could be better.
But yes. To do grander things, to put more time into something that could grow faster, something i could feel more proud of. I think the model i will go with is a mainly let’s play channel, but with some personal and random videos attached. Feels more natural that way.
Now is the time to take the change in my life seriously, and devote myself to it. The time has come. Finally time to bring that closure that i’ve been wanting to do for years now. Leave all that emotional baggage behind, and finally look forward.
So good bye, Vonnie, all the cool people of twitter who has left and all my followers on twitter.
I’ll always be on wordpress though. So this is just a good bye i will say to my twitter folks who might be reading this.
I’ll be leaving sometime in the near future. So in case anyone cares, they could contact me on there for the last time.
Some quick info and blog stuff
I’ve been feeling very bloggy as of late. I just want to write, and i feel that i have enough to say to make this a somewhat sizable post.
First things first, i’d like all my transgendered followers to link me to their wordpress, twitter or anywhere else, because i would like to follow you. You know, to get to know some more sisters and brothers in arms out there. Second of all. And if you’re not transgender, you could link me your blog anywhere, and i’ll check it out. I’d like to get more active and stuff, so i’ll probably end up following everyone.
Observing bigotry. Observer not being observant. Blind observer.
Anyhow. What’s up with the Observer? Apparently, according to a blog post i read this morning, and according to a few people i tweeted, the observer (Which is a supposed left-wing high ranking magazine in England) had commissioned a feminist bigot who felt it necessary to spew her bigotry all over the place, in the form of an article. It apparently had some really vile and nasty stuff in there about how transsexuals are just.. How did she phrase it, “men in bad wigs” or something to that effect. That’s the only thing i remember hearing though. Though, if the people who got riled up about this feminist is anything to go by, that was small stuff.
Like i said, i didn’t really read it, and i only have other people’s blog posts to go by, so this won’t end up a very informative post about that thing, but i got a bit emotional about a supposed left-wing paper writing bigoted stuff, and felt that i should share my opinion anyway. Good thing is that they apologized for commissioning such a bigot. And the bad thing is that a lot of leftists agreed with the bigotry.
I guess i could sit here all day and tell the bigots that their bigotry is no better than that of a Nazi . In fact, i’d argue that they’re more ignorant than Nazis. I mean, it should be more expected of people in this day and age to be more well versed in history, and especially the history of human bigotry. Didn’t have as much information about that stuff back in the days of the Nazis.
But anyway. They’re just gonna say that “it’s not the same”, just like Nazis do, like racists do, like homophobes do, etc. The thing about the bigoted is that logic just doesn’t work on them.
So… TL;DR: BLUBLU BLA BLA BLA! DUR!1one
Small life updates
On an unrelated note. I’ve been playing a lot of borderlands 2 with my brother as of late. We’re about done with “true vaulthunter” mode now. I don’t know, it’s just been so much fun. I can’t get enough of it. On a side, i have been completing all the normal difficulty missions (To get an achievement, and to learn as much as i can about borderlands lore). Not much else to say about it. I might write a review later, and talk a little about a certain plot hole. It’ll be my final borderlands 2 post. Out of.. What.. 7 or so now?
This is what initially sparked me to make a new post. I’m down to my last pill. The last sleeping/anti-depressant pill. After this, my body’s gonna have to get used to getting sleepy of its own. Which i think it’s more than ready to do. So it’ll be exciting for sure. I’ve been taking them for about 90 days now, so i have to say that it’ll be nice to try without now.
Speaking of depression. Still no word from the Swedish medical academy, and no word from the people here either. So no updates on my transgender issues so far. One thing though.. I still don’t think my aunt knows about my issues, so when she’s coming along to a visits about my anxiety with the doctor here, i guess she’s just gonna have to know. She’s been a lot of help to me, so i hope it won’t bother her too much. Kinda need her help, so… Yea..
That’s about it for now, everyone. I hope to hear from some people, and maybe get to follow some too.
I did an interview with a person on know on deviantart. She’s a transsexual just like me, and her name is Jocelyn. (http://jocelyncd.deviantart.com). The interview confirmed everything about my own transsexualism, and i feel very happy to have done it now. I know what i have to do in order to change my life for the better.
This Tuesday, i’ll be taking my first look at my new apartment around 5:30pm, and i can’t even tell you how excited i am for that. I’ll be asking her when i can move in (Which from what i understand, could be as early as 15th december). So hopefully, i’ll get to move in soon. Can not wait!
As soon as i have moved in and fixed with all my stuff and what not, i’m gonna have to do something about my wardrobe. First of, i’ll be taking some measures on myself to figure out my measures (So that buying clothes will be much easier), and then i’ll be going down town to buy some clothes, i think.. Feels a bit strange to do that dressed as a guy. So i might take to the internet for my first set of clothes (I do have clothes, but i kind of want to do a full update on it). Either way, i’ll end up with new clothes.
While i’m doing all that, i will be picking up a bunch of hair products, skin care products and some makeup. I hope that will be enough for a first step, and hopefully, i should be able to go out in public as a woman for once. It’ll take quite some effort to figure everything out and to look passing though. But i’m sure i can do it.
Along the way, i will be announcing on my facebook, to everyone i know personally, that i am a transgendered person. I think it’ll mostly be met with positive feedback. I still don’t know what to do about dad though. But hey, it’s his problem, so i’m not the one who’ll have to take a step towards anything in that regard.
What else.. I will be starting a new channel on youtube where i’ll upload videos of myself, doing whatever. I have the “my maplestory” video that i have to do, to basically tie the knot of my past life, and move on with my new one. Then i also have a lot of thoughts on my mind and a lot of people i would wish to address. But in due time.
I also have some plans with my brother to do a podcast. It’ll be in Swedish though, so probably nothing any of my very little audience would care about. Basically, we hope to get some education out there for all the Swedes, and while doing some, educate ourselves. Either way, it’ll be a very fun thing to do.
Last thing that i will do when i move out of my parents place is to get in shape. Which means no more meat for me for at least a year, and a lot of training.
So that’s that! I feel very pumped for all of this, and i know life will turn out well for me. Here’s to a better tomorrow!