Buzzfeed released this list a few days ago: http://www.buzzfeed.com/saeedjones/100-amazing-trans-americans-you-should-know Now, i’ve hardly even begun to go down the list. But let’s start where i started.
I showed this list to Jocelyn, to see if she recognized anyone. And just like me, she didn’t recognize anyone.. Except for one person. Namely, Jennifer Boylan. She told me about how she was her hero, and how much she meant to her. So naturally, i started looking her up. Later that night, when i had listened to a few excerpts from her books, i became a fan of hers. Such an easy listen, such an outgoing, such an inspirational, and most of all! Such a lighthearted individual. She takes all the pain and suffering that us transsexuals has to deal with, and makes jokes about it. And i don’t know about the rest of you, but i find that to be very refreshing. Because you usually find transsexuals who want to play the victim card all the time, or ones who feel miserable all the time, or ones who do nothing but complain.
I think it’s a healthy approach. And the only approach that makes sense. Because, when all is said and done, why should you let the negative around you dictate how you act? Isn’t it a sign of a strong person, when she can just look upon those faces and say “I’m not bowing to what you want! I’m not going to be miserable because you want me to”? And that’s what i mean with an inspirational person. Someone who you can actually look up to. And not someone that news papers wants us to look up to. Someone who just vents, and someone who’s shallow. Not going to name any specific people, but i’m sure we all know at least one of those alluded “inspirational fastfood people”.
But anyway. I’m going to order one of Jennifer Boylan’s books. One that captured my attention the most, and the one that Jocelyn said “It solidified my transgender feelings, and i just knew that i had to go through with it after reading this book” (She had a great story around it too, but i haven’t gotten a clear from her yet, so i can’t post it). It’s called “She’s not there”, and is a memoir of her pre-transition period. If the excerpts are any to go by, it’s going to be a fantastic read!
Not sure if i really have anything on my mind worth writing about, but i found this picture, posted by one of the members of the transsexual community on reddit (Of which i am a part of, and i recommend everyone else going there too), that i just had to share.
Now, if you’re anything like me, your first reaction will be: I’m totally stealing this. Too fabulous to pass up!
And yes, it is. For those who might be unaware, it’s the transsexual flag on her fingernails. I was already a fan of painting my nails, and i had always wanted to go with multiple colors. So why not do this! This will be our project. If any transsexual, woman, or man; whoever’s reading this, and you’re into painting your nails, by all means, i’d love to see your nail art, or your color mixes. (:
Other small news
I am currently scanning my old old harddrive for the files i have on it. It got corrupted a long time ago, and i just now got to trying to get the files off of it. It’ll be done tomorrow at around noon.. One of my mail reasons for doing it now of all times, is because i need some material for a video i’m going to make. My first ever video. Not going to say anything more than that. But it’ll be great.. For me at least.
No transgender news.. Oh, i made a picture yesterday (Just shaded it, really). Tried a lot of new stuff. Didn’t turn out that well. But here it is anyway, just in case someone wants to see:
And that about does it. I’ll leave you with this video:
I’ve had these thoughts nibbling away at me the past few days.. and perhaps even the past few years. And i feel that i’m in a stage where i can express them and externalize them. So i’m going to do that now.
For a longer time than i would like to admit, i’ve been worried about everything. More specifically, i worry about friends. I have difficulties keeping friends. And i know why. It’s because i worry too much. I worry that i’m going to lose them. I worry that they’ll feel bad about me, that they’re going to think less of me, that they’re not having a good time being with me. All these fears and worries i have. One person that comes to mind is Jocelyn. I’ve talked about her a lot on this blog as of late, and i adore her a lot. But i’ve had all these fears about her. THat she’s going to become a radical feminist, where she thinks that she’s been blind her whole life, and that she’s not seen all the harassment she’s going through 24/7. Or that she’ll become so popular that she’ll forget about all the fun interactions we’ve had, and the experiences we’ve shared with one another.
Sadly, i can’t really call her a friend. I’ve never met her. I call her an internet friend, and i would like to change it to friend. Someone who i can be there for, someone who can be there for me. Someone to have fun with. Someone to do stuff with. But what’s going to happen if i worry a lot, that she’ll just start ignoring me? What does that say about me? On an intellectual level, i need to be able to say to myself: What is wrong with you, woman? What on the holy earth that is this planet, are, you, worried, about?? That things are going to go STRAIGHT to the toilet, never to be seen again!
And i have got to stop that. I have got to stop worrying. Of course i’m always going to want to be able to share stuff with Jocelyn and all the other friends i have to. But if i worry to lose them all the time, guess what? It’s going to end up being true. A person’s worries about these sorts of things always shines right through them. No matter how hard he or she is trying to hide it. And until i can overcome these feelings, i will never be able to keep a good friend. I will be forever alone.
And another thing is that i need to stop being so negative all the time. I need to stop worrying about things that are outside of my reach. I need to. I need, i need, i need… That’s another thing. Stop being egocentric. It’s not about my needs. It’s just about being a good person. Just be yourself, to your best ability, and stop worrying, and stop thinking about who you dislike, and all of that nonsense. It’s a rabbitwhole that leads NOWHERE! And you need to stop chasing down it. Just dig yourself out of it, and stop whining!
So.. I finally, after months of feeling horrible, managed to buy myself some more makeup. Which will be fun. And that’s what it needs to be about. The good things in life.
It might seem small, but it feels big to me. This is to all the transsexuals out there: Be strong. Summon up the courage i know you have inside of you. Do what you know is right, and do it at your own pace. Stay strong.
And to the rest of you. Heed my advice. Don’t be a dumb shit (To quote Timothy Bishop). Life is too short to worry and to limit yourself only to yourself. Live life to its fullest. You know as well as i do that you can reach that full life.
Take care everybody. And thank you for reading.
Milotic is a transsexual pokémon? Is there truth to it? Is Milotic’s exterior a reference to the transgender flag? Does the fact that it’s ugly first, and beautiful later indicative of a story you’ll hear from any transsexual?
Or is all this just yet another wily theory that could never be proven? Why don’t you stick around and find out. I’ve got the analysis the answers, the whole shebang.
The pokémon is a series known for its punny (There will be puns.. lots of puns) humor and cheap jokes. Usually, the idea behind a pokémon doesn’t go beyond a simple mythological reference (Gyrados, Lucario), animal design (Squirtle = Squirrel + turtle.. Fucking genius!), thing (Magnamite.. grimer. Garbodor?)
But a woman by the name of Jocelyn seem to think that there’s something special about Milotic. After all, it’s the only one who has the possibility of evolving through eating puffins, and its design does appear very transgender-esque, wouldn’t you say?
Well, i’m not going to hold off any longer, let’s see her theory on why she thinks Milotic is a reference to the transgender community/a transgender.
She begins with the fact that feebas begins as a helpless, ugly pokémon. This statement could never hold its own. Because a lot of people feel this way. It’s not exclusive to transsexuals. It’s too broad a statement to really mean anything. It includes a group of people, that transsexuals fall into, but isn’t exclusive in.
Difficulty to locate means that it’s too afraid to show itself, because (And it’s as if emulating) “many pre-transition transsexuals don’t fit in well with most other people, and tend to distance themselves since it’s socially unacceptable for them to be who they wish to be”. I could name a few other reasons why it might be distancing itself.
- Because it’s a weak fish
- Because its face is ugly
And.. I know this is metaphorical. But the metaphor could might as well be that it’s an introvert by nature, and just doesn’t want to show itself. I think what they were going for was that it’s ugly and doesn’t like to be seen. To say that as anything else is to fill in blanks, and i don’t buy that. Sure, it’s something that comes with if it’s proven to be true at the end, that Milotic is supposed to represent transgender, but on its own, it means nothing. You can’t discern all that from this simple thing.
To digress a bit on the subject of confirmation bias. There are groups of feminists out there who sees mysogony in everything. They’re so enamored with the idea that there’s a patriarcy out there to put down ever single woman, that they see woman hating in everything. And i think there is some of that in this theory. You’re a transgender, so you’ll have an easier time seeing that in things. A Christian sees Mary in a sandwich. Humans see gods, the deieties that created the universe, as a human.. Or we see faces in bushes, and other patters we’re used to seeing. If i was a huge bleech fan, i could see bleech in pokémon like Shedinja, and make arguments as to why they were inspired by that series in the design of that pokémon. Or if i liked MLP, i could say that the meet the pyro video was inspired by it. I mean, just look at all the colors and stuff. Isn’t it obvious?
And that’s what confirmation bias is.
This next one is really interesting. Because Feebas is the only one that can evolve in such a way. It can also evolve using a prism scale in later games.
Prior to writing this, i took some time reading up on all the things surrounding Milotic, and i couldn’t find anyone who theorized that it was a repsentation of transgender. What i came up with was that Milotic is based on an Oarfish (If they wanted to make a transsexual reference, they could have made a clownfish pokémon. That would make far more sense. But even then, it would just be a reference to a clown fish) and i could find no reference to transgender and Oarfish. So no luck there. It also said that it could be a reference to sirens, which i could see. Also, a loch ness monster reference.. But i think lapras fits that description a little better.
Then i checked out the name of it. But that only seemed to refer to its beauty and healing powers. Which the pokémon is described as having (And does have in terms of moves). One more far reaching theory of the name was “Venus de milo”, which represents beauty, and it has no arms. No matter what i found on this aspect, i couldn’t really find anything linking it to transgender. Which they could have done, seeing as greek myth has the story of “Lesbos”.. Like.. Let’s say they wanted to make a reference to lesbian/homosexuality, they’d make an all female pokémon, and base it on something from the island of Lesbos. Or something. But no, i had no luck finding any such references. I did try though.
Anyway. Beauty puffins as hormones? Seeing as i couldn’t find any links to milotic and transgender, this seems kind of weird. I mean, sure, it was the only one that could evolve that way, but it didn’t (If i may read more into this) make other pokémon unhappy (Which it should do) and it wasn’t exclusive to feebas.
And the prism scale? Some pokémon evolve with metal coat, some with king’s rock, and some with other forms of items. All i’m saying is that there’s nothing special with it evolving with this item. It’s just one of many. Unless i’ve missed something here. I mean, sure, you could see it as change of wardrobe, and i see your point, but it’s just yet another case of confirmation bias, i think.
Then the trading sequence as “The channels we need to go through”. Again, it’s not unique to Milotic. I think that, if they really wanted us to suspect that they meant something more with something, they would have made this something unique to that pokémon. But as i’ve already pointed out, the only unique thing about this pokémon is the puffin feeding.
And lastly, she says that “incidentally, Milotic’s palette is made up solely of three colors..”. This is not true, and is a fact you find in platinum, BW1/BW2.
Its lovely scales are described as rainbow colored. They change color depending on the viewing angle.
I saw a lot of confirmation bias in this one, and that’s coming from someone with this bias herself (I really wanted to think there was something to this. Which is why i’m sitting still awake, early in the morning, writing and studying this).
But when all is said and done, i could be wrong. Maybe it was meant to be taken as a transsexual going through the process that we go through. But like i’ve explained, there’s really no reason to think that. It really does look like they just went with a from ugly to beautiful thing with this pokémon.
I would like to have it confirmed though. Denied or not.
I’ve talked about Jocelyn quite a lot the last few posts, but i haven’t really said much about her, and what she means to me. But i figured that, now that she’s 4 months in on her hormone treatment, and i’m finally done cleaning the apartment, i should write about her.
I found her about two years ago. Around the time when she released the very first Rain concept images. No doubt, i was searching for the term “transsexual” or “crossdress” on deviantart. I used to do that back then. Haven’t done so in a while now. But i digress.
Rain, if i haven’t made it clear already, is her ongoing internet comic series about a transsexual teen going through highschool. Not the most original premise ever, but don’t let that fool you. It’s actually a very well thought out series with a lot of twists, turns and the occasional trans-PSAs (Usually written in a subversive, indirect and implicit manner). Needless to say, i’m a big fan of the series, but i’m more so a fan of the person behind it, Jocelyn (Or Lynn, as she’s referred to as by some).
It takes a lot for me to admire someone. Like many others, i’ve gone through a lot of really horrible periods in my life where i’ve felt that i’ve been let down by people i thought were my friends. I feel like that is changing now that i’m out as a transsexual, and am about to get some professional help with my transgender issues (Hopefully’ll get a time sometime soon). But my trust in her has not been misplaced, i feel. Sure, i can’t really say she’s my friend, sadly, but maybe one day, she would be (Don’t want to jinx myself on that one). Anyway.. Tangent, tangent.
She’s helped me when i needed the help. About my transsexual issues and all that. And i mean.. Who am i anyway? Why on earth would she help me? I’m just some random person on the internet when all is said and done, and yet she’s helped me a lot, when i’ve been sad, distraught and concerned. How couldn’t i admire something like that in a person?
One of the best things she’s done for me by far, is answering a questionnaire i concocted last fall, and she even gave me permission to post it. Figured i’d end this post with it.
But yes.. What more can i say? She helped motivate me to be open about my transsexuality, she’s encouraged me both explicitly with the advice she’s given to me personally; and implicitly, with the passion that she radiates.
And i know i’m not alone with feeling so happy for what she’s done, because she’s become a bit of a central figure on deviantart in all things transsexual. She’s brought the community much needed respect, dignity and kindness, and i know she’ll only continue to grow larger, and do more as she gets the eyes of more people.
She’s one of the few people i could call a hero, and i’m very shameless about that. To call her a friend would be a luxury i’d love to indulge myself in one day, but until then, if such a time would come to pass, i’m going to admire her from afar.
Her deviantart page can be found here
This is the very start of the Rain comic, which i recommend strongly
Also, make sure to check out her other artwork and projects here (The gallery folders at the left-hand side)
And she’s still accepting donations for her trans fund (Sadly, she needs money for that)
So yea.. I hope i turned on at least one person to her. If i did, please notify me on here or twitter, i’d love to know if i did.
*What does your lady love think of your transsexualism?
My lady love (her name is Kelly, just in case I have to address her again at any point on this list) has pretty much always been supportive. She was one of the very first people I came out to BEFORE we even got together. Ironically, I really liked her, but I only came out to her because I didn’t think I stood a chance with her. She didn’t tell me to my face at the time, but she was very bothered when I first told her. But she spent a week researching the subject (as she knew nothing about it), and came to understand things a bit better. Less than a month later, she asked me out. She, being bisexual, decided it wasn’t a big deal either way. Although she said up front, “If you’re going to be a woman, then be a woman. If you want to be a man, that’s fine too. Just don’t change your mind back and forth and jerk me around.” She didn’t have to tell me twice. ^_^
Today, she’s my rock. Kelly has always been there to give me advice when I needed it. Tell me I’m pretty when I needed it. Stand up for me when I couldn’t. Let me know when I overlooked something that would clock me in an instant if I stepped outside. She’s always been in my corner and I honestly don’t know if I’d have made it this far without her.
Incidentally, I hear a lot relationships between a trans and a cis have a tendency to crash and burn. So what’s our secret? My being trans was NEVER a secret to her. I think a lot of transfolk try to hide it from their partner – one way or the other – and it ends up being a shock to the others’ system when the transperson either comes out or slips up. And sometimes, that ends REALLY badly (these things can turn violent, unfortunately). So the he key is honesty, just like any relationship. If you don’t feel like you can tell your partner your deepest secrets, then you’re probably not a good match.
*Are you in any way attracted to guys as well, or are you completely lesbian?
It’s hard to explain. I would consider myself a lesbian. I am genuinely attracted to women, and I can’t see anything changing that. I’ve heard some testimonies of MtFs who present as straight men before transition, and turn out to be straight women afterward. There are theories that hormones may affect sexuality. Personally, I don’t buy this. In my humble opinion, I believe in a majority of these cases, the MtF in question had bi tendencies and either didn’t realize it or didn’t act on it. As a man, they just wanted to fit in, so they went the safe route. As a woman, they can finally act on that same normalcy, but the way they wanted though.
That said, I would be lying if I told you I’ve never been attracted to a man (even before hormones). But I still wouldn’t consider myself bisexual. It’s usually actors or celebrities though (or other unusually “pretty” men). I’m also not ashamed to admit attraction to pre-op MtFs or post-op FtMs. All that said, I maintain that I’m a lesbian.
My attraction to men, I believe, is that little idea that it’d be normal. Like, if it were myself post-op and a guy, I’d be a completely regular girl with her guy. It’s just “normal”. I’d have no problem hugging or kissing him either… I just couldn’t go any farther than that. Certain manly traits, not just deter, but outright repulse me. Body hair is just vile in my opinion. And don’t get me started on the penis itself. I don’t want anything to do with my own; the LAST thing I want to do is interact with someone else’s. More power to the straight transgirls out there, but you know what, it’s just not for me. Hence, I am a lesbian.
Not that any of this matters anyway, since I’ve been happily married to Kelly for four years (and together with her for seven).
*Do you masturbate and/or have sex, and if so, what are your thoughts on that, as a transsexual who wants to change sex physically?
I’m not a terribly sexual person myself, but I have masturbated and I have had sex. It’s strange. Physically, it feels good. Mentally, it’s very relieving. Emotionally, it’s just wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain, but I think that’s the best way to describe it.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never been very active “sexually”, but I haven’t done anything since starting hormones (which are known – albeit not guaranteed – to decrease libido).
*Have you ever doubted your transsexuality, so to speak? Could you go into detail on what lead you to the conclusion that it must be dysphoria? And did you contact any other transsexuals before concluding it?
I never really doubted it. I tried to deny. To cure it. To make it go away. But doubting it? There was never a doubt in my mind.
You’ve probably heard my “earliest childhood memory” story a thousand times by now, right? When I told my dad, “I wish I was a girl” at age 3 or 4, despite not having any concept of the differences of the sexes. Although he discouraged that behavior right then and there (enough that I’d never tell anyone else about this until I was 20), it didn’t stop me from feeling that way. In fact, the older I got, the stronger the feeling became. And when I was 15 or so and first learned the word “transsexual” on the internet, my first reaction was something akin to “Oh my god, there’s a word for it! I’m NOT the only one! I’m not some lone freak!”
Sadly, I still FELT like the only one for most of my life. I didn’t start meeting other “transgendered” people until I was 21 and started dressing up myself. But the people I met weren’t transsexuals; they were dragqueens. This is admittedly better than nothing, but we just didn’t share that connection, because they didn’t want to actually BE women. No, I didn’t start meeting other transsexuals until I started posting Rain two years ago. As a story that appeals to that culture, it was only natural that it’d help me meet people (albeit, not in person).
And it wasn’t until LAST year during the Summer when I moved to Albany that I started actually personally meeting other transsexuals for the first time. Sadly, I still think I’m closer to my DA friends than anyone I’ve physically met, but again, it’s nice to know there are others.
*If you did contact other transsexuals, what about their stories made you more confident in your own identity?
When I started first meeting other transfolk, they were all very different. Everyone was a different age, different ethnicity, different faith, etc.. But the one alarmingly common thing I noticed was that all of them had at least started transition. For me at the time, this was discouraging in its own right. It made me feel alone all over again. Like I was doing something wrong. And yet, it was simultaneously uplifting. It showed that my goal was indeed attainable. That I really could do this. I mean, they all did!
I met one particular post-op transwoman just months before I started therapy. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t like her as a person (her attitude rubbed me the wrong way), but she’s a huge inspiration for me. Because she began transition at the same age as me now, and finished in four years. It just made everything feel possible. I don’t know if four years is really in the cards for me (I’m a mess, financially), but I feel like it’s something to strive for. My being post-op by 31 is an attainable and appealing goal, and I’m willing to go for it.
*Do you have to deal with hair loss? If so, what advice do you have to mask it?
I have very thin hair, unfortunately. Especially in front. Hormones are said to help that by making your existing hair more voluminous, but it won’t GROW hair. So it was very important to me that I kept it on my head at least before hormones (as odd as that might sound). Still, if it is going to do anything to the hair on my head, it hasn’t happened yet in these first two months. To adjust, I’ve changed my part. As a guy, it was always just easiest to keep my part in the middle… but it looked BAD when presenting as a girl. If you look at any of my photos though, I always part to the side. I still have more forehead than I’d like, but it covers all the stringy spots.
Just make sure you’re taking care of it. Shampoo and conditioner every OTHER day. Trim split ends. Basic stuff.
*What thoughts are running through your mind when you look at yourself? I’d like to know in detail, how you feel about it.
This has changed a little in the last two months, so I’ll explain in two parts.
Before, I flat out hated my reflection. I have a mix of Italian and Irish in my blood. Italian dark black hair, and Irish pale white skin. So even after the best shave jobs, my five o’clock shadow was always visible even if you couldn’t feel it (still is, unfortunately, but I’m working on that). Combined with my thinning hair (as I mentioned above) and my curveless body (not the good kind anyway, since I’m a little overweight). Honestly, I find it kinda funny that so many people think I make a pretty girl (not to toot my horn, but myself included), because as a guy I feel like I just look like that person parents warn their kids to stay away from.
Since starting hormones though, there’s a fair bit more confidence. Even when I’m not presenting as female (although I’m trying to more often). When I see my face, it looks different to me. I can’t explain how. I genuinely don’t know WHAT is different, but I feel like my face just appears more feminine. That fact does wonders for my self-esteem.
*Also, do you have issues showering some days?
Oddly, no. I hear a lot of transfolk have trouble with the shower, but it’s never really been an issue for me. I mean, no, I don’t like my naked body. However, when I’m in the shower, my glasses are off and I’m blind as a bat. So, I’m actually quite a bit better more at peace in the shower than I am practically anywhere else.
*Name a few things that make you feel dysphoric?
Dumb things. Like when people address me as a guy or associate me with masculine things because I appear to be a man. It seems so trivial, but when people say things like that, it wrecks me. Sometimes a single innocent comment can debilitate me for a week. I wish I knew why, and I wish I could stop it. It’s become less frequent, and admittedly hasn’t happened at all in the last two months, but somehow I don’t think this mindset is going to just go away cold turkey like that.
*Does it depress you when you put on men’s clothing, and at what age did it really start to affect you?
Yes. To be fair, it used to not be so bad on a regular basis when I was just always presenting male. It was a bit of an nuisance and I didn’t like it back then, but it didn’t actively bother me often until I started actually owning my own female clothes. And usually it was the result of having to switch directly from female garb to male garb. Admittedly, I kinda shot myself in the foot with this one, because among the first girly clothes I’d owned were pajamas, so virtually anytime I had to go to work first thing in the morning… well, you get the idea.
Before I started owning my own girl clothes, like I said, I still didn’t like dressing as a boy. That said, it was usually only when I saw a girl wearing something particularly pretty that I would look down and hate myself for the wardrobe I was stuck with. (Catholic school was rough for me because I liked their uniforms.) I occasionally snuck into my parents’ room as a teenager and tried on my mom’s clothes to cope, but I admit it wasn’t a big deal for me either way. My mom’s just not a skirt or dress kind of gal like I am.
*What about jealousy? Are you easily envious of other women’s appearances and general womanliness? I’d like to know some detail here too.
Yes and no.
No, because I have always been decidedly feminine, and when I dress up, it’s clear. I don’t have big feet or big hands or a manly face or a prominent adam’s apple. I’m technically taller than the average woman, but only by two inches (which isn’t that big of a deal). I’ve got dainty mannerisms, and where I need to learn has been easy for me to adapt to. In general, I can honestly say transition is probably going to be easy for me in general. I’m very fortunate in this regard, and I’m very grateful for this. I firmly believe there’s not a person alive that is incapable of passing (sometimes, it just requires more work), but those transfolk who aren’t quite as fortunate get a world of sympathy from me.
But I do suffer envy quite a bit. Usually when I’m presenting as male, and a pretty girl walks by. I’ll like something she’s wearing and wish I could ask where she got it. Or she’ll be notably easy on the eyes and very well-endowed to a degree that even after years on hormones, I’ll likely never reach. These kinds of situations suck.
*What are your thoughts on other transsexuals?
Depends. I like the ones I’ve met on DeviantArt; easily some among the best people I’ve ever met. And the gals I’ve met in my voice therapy class are themselves wonderful people. For the most part though, the transfolk I’ve met at the support group meetings rub me the wrong way (which says a lot, if you think about it). Actually, the transmen are fine. They’re very open and laid back and supportive. But some of transwomen are just clicky or catty or selfish to an obscene degree. It’s like, none of us are high-schoolers here; can we not be like this?
I’d pretty much long since given up on that place, but last month when I was in that brief period after I started hormones, but before I published my book, I went. I was two weeks in and I was excited and I wanted to share it with others who’d understand. But this day, I went (it was the “trans meet-and-greet” rather than the support group session), I just tried to mingle. This one transgirl asked me the words I wanted to hear: “So what’s new?” And I told her. I explained that I’d finally just started and I was really happy about. She basically blew me off. She was quiet for a long time, and then with a condescending “oooooookay” just started talking to someone else. This was particularly offensive to me on the grounds that I recall her mentioning in one of the meetings last year how much she hating being judged. Wow, hypocrite. But that’s pretty much the status quo for those girls. It’s all “I’m trans and life is so difficult for me and me alone!” to a room full of other trans people who’ve faced many of the exact same issues. They’re so selfish, it’s scary.
That turned into kind of a rant. Sorry.
But again, the transsexuals I’ve met elsewhere have been fine. At the voice class, there’s camaraderie, and we look out for each other and help each other. It’s a two-hour session on practicing a female voice, but I get more emotional support out of it than the support groups! And DA, is the best online trans community I’ve ever seen (including trans-specific forums). If I have a problem, I can share it and get advice. And lots of people in turn ask me for advice, and that too means the world to me.
The trans community is one that still faces a lot of persecution and misunderstanding, so I believe we SHOULD all be helping each other (far more than we do). Getting all catty or selfish has no place in this community, and I believe it’s the reason there IS so much misunderstanding about us.
*How long did you live as a woman, before finally getting the professional help you needed?
This is a somewhat difficult question, because even after two months on hormones, I’m still not living fulltime. Since I was 21, I’ve tried to present as female as often as I can. It’s become more frequent over the years, but even at 28, I hesitate to say I’m “living as a woman”. A lot of the reason is confidence with passability. I know you’d probably think, “You look fine, though! How could you think you don’t pass?”
I can pass. Approximately every other day. It’s something about the way my facial hair grows in. Like I said earlier, even after I shave thoroughly, it’s visible. So foundation is a necessity if I want to go outside presenting as female. And then it grows back fast. If I shaved that morning, I may be feeling it already by early evening. When if first grows back, it’s short and course and doesn’t shave right at all; half the time, resulting in a bloody face post-shave. Following that, when I put the makeup on, it just clings to the tips of my five o’clock shadow that cannot be shaved and accentuates it! As such, I can’t present as female two days in a row at this time, which limits my ability to live as a woman. That’ll change once I can start laser surgery, but I’m just not in a good financial situation for it right now, so it’ll have to wait.
*What were some ups and downs about that period? Did you go as a man some days and as a woman most days? Would you say you pass in public for the most part?
I’m not sure what to add here, since I think I said it all already in the last question.
*What was it like, to meet with an expert on the subject, and did he have any questions for you before concluding that you were in need of help with your gender reassignment and that you were indeed transgender?
I’m not gonna lie, I struck gold with my therapist. He’s actually an FtM, and has been through most of transition himself (I actually didn’t know this when I picked him). About twenty minutes into our first session, he said to me, “There are no wrong answers. You came in here and told me you were trans, and I have no reason to doubt that. So nothing you say will make you seem any less of a woman to me. Just be honest. You don’t need to hide anything. You don’t need to try and give me the answers you think I want to hear. Just say it like it is.”
And he’s right. It’s ironic that we need to be “diagnosed” as transgendered before we can begin transition, because it’s just not something we can literally prove. Since meeting him, I’ve adopted his philosophy that if someone says they’re trans, I’ll believe them and treat them as such. I can’t disprove anyone, because what being trans is is different for everyone.
Anyway, he’s still legally required three months of sessions before being allowed to recommend me to an endocrinologist though. So rather than spending that time having me trying to prove what he’s already long accepted, he told me to bring questions to future sessions. He asked me to address my fears and concerns. After the last session, he emailed me a worksheet with a list of personal questions (kind of like this, actually) for me to fill out. This way he had all the information he needed for my letter in one place.
*Also, could you go more into detail on how the meeting transpired?
I had five sessions with him, roughly two weeks apart, all fifty minutes a piece (and I’d like to see him again, now that I’ve started transition). He was very open and supportive. When I asked him questions, he either had an answer or he actively looked into it for me. The sessions were very casual and conversational and didn’t consist of him writing in a notepad and offering one-word answers. Really, he was great.
*Would you consider yourself to be educated when it comes to transsexualism, transgenderism, gender reassignment, sex change, etc?
Yes. I believe I am.
*If so, do you know how much regulation and state/federal government intervention there is in the process of gender reassignment, and how much of it is in the private sector? (If this question even makes sense)
I think I get it, but that IS dependent on where you live. You live in a different country to the point where the situation is going to be different. The policies on just changing one’s name are drastically variable from state to state over here, and it’s possible even the actual transition is different. And even that’s a nightmare. For my state of New York, it’s somewhat expensive, and takes a bit of time. But the part that bothers me most is that you need to kind of publicly announce it in a newspaper or periodical of some sort. Which… just seems counter-productive for someone trying to transition.
*What more hoops and bounds are you gonna have to jump before reaching the end goal. The money issues, in case you’re able to get a grant of some sort (Talking about if there is a socialized aspect in the US), the legal aspects, the surgeries. What does it look like for you? The plan, so to speak.
The surgery, I’ve heard is STUPIDLY expensive, and most insurances do not cover it (supposedly, mine actually does, but I won’t hold my breath as a lot can change in the next couple years). I’ve actually heard a lot US citizens will go up to Canada for the surgery, so I assume it’s cheaper or easier (although, I don’t know the details). There’s also the Thailand(?) option which is definitely a lot cheaper, but I hear it’s not exactly ideal.
I admit, I’m so caught up with making sure I can pay for my name change and laser hair removal, that I’m just gonna bank on the insurance for now and hope I still have it or it’s still applicable by then.
*How often do you get people outing and being generally mean towards you because you’re transsexual?
Thankfully, not often. But it does happen, and when it does, it sucks.
The plus side is that for every douchebag or ignoramus who gives me a hard time, there’s countless friends on and offline who’ve got my back. At the risk of sounding like a cheesy kid show, I couldn’t have ever gotten this far without my friends.
*What precautions have you taken to defend yourself?
I’ve considered buying a knife; one that I’d hope never to have to use, but something that might offer a little peace of mind when I’m out by myself late at night (because being a guy alone and being a girl alone are two very different experiences). That would be just another expense though, so in the meantime, I usually have a box-cutter I accidentally took home from an old job (it really was an accident, I swear). It’s not as effective, but it’s better than being completely unarmed.
*How did you come up with the name, Jocelyn? (It’s a really nice name by the way ^w^). Is it a female version of your parent-given name?
My birth name is Josh, so while Jocelyn isn’t the “female version” per se, it does sound a little similar. Originally, it was meant as a placeholder to make things easier for my friends to remember. I didn’t want to cause confusion when I came out to them years ago, so I chose something that wasn’t a far stretch that they could adapt to easily.
But somewhere along the line, I grew very attached to it. I like “Jocelyn” in the way it sounds, as it is both pretty and distinctly feminine. A lot of people I introduce myself to typically make a point to tell me what a lovely name I’ve got (nobody ever said that about Josh). It’s also unique, without being bizarre (as in, I don’t personally know any Jocelyns currently, so it stands out; yet I have met or heard of Jocelyns in the past, with this or other spellings).
If I hadn’t been Jocelyn, I honestly don’t know what I’d be though. My personal favorite girl’s name is Lydia, but I actually kind of had that reserved for if I ever had a daughter someday (even though I no longer have intention of having kids anymore). At this point, I just can’t associate it with myself. So in the end, Jocelyn will do.
Also, my chosen middle name is Charity. I don’t like it as a first name, but I think it follows up my chosen name very nicely as a middle name.
*Have you gone through a time in your life when you’ve felt trapped? Like, maybe your parents has limited your ability to be yourself? If so, how was that like for you?
Yeah. The first 28 years of my life ring a bell on that one. Again, when I first told someone how I wanted to be a girl, I was just a little kid “who didn’t know any better”. My dad responded “No you don’t” and ended that conversation in a hurry. And even at that very young age, that experience etched it in my head that this is a taboo subject and I should not bring it up. And I didn’t, which led me to feeling alone. I always wanted to bring it up, but I’m a pleaser by nature and I didn’t want anyone – least of all my parents – to be mad at me. As an adult, I look back and I wish I had pushed it more, really stressed that this in fact was how I felt. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to wait until 28 to start. But I couldn’t do it and disappoint them. I don’t really blame them though; honestly, I trapped myself.
After I moved out of my parents place (whom I would come out to for real to two years later, and as it turns out, the very accepting), I set out to transition. I was 20. But despite my personal freedom, and the support of my friends, I became trapped in a new place completely devoid of professional support. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was literally the ONLY transperson living in that town at that time because there was absolutely nowhere I could go. The closest place required me to get a car, drive out to get on a ferry to Vermont and seek help there. That was not an option. Especially since my job wasn’t paying me enough to save anything AND wasn’t giving me insurance. In other words, even if I could get out there, I wouldn’t have been able to pay for anything. I was still trapped; it was just a different kind of trapped.
*And finally. What advice can you impart with to a transsexual living in a small town, soon to move out of her parents place, and basically starting to live like a woman full time? Any tips for enhancing the female parts and reducing the male parts when it comes to clothing? Any advice on where to shop?
The hows the whys, and general advice on living as a transsexual male to female. I would very much appreciate it.
For a transsexual living in a small town, soon to move out of her parents place, I would recommend trying to find a not-so-small town. As I mentioned just above, I was trapped for over seven years with no professional support available to me so that I could actually start transition. I think small towns are ideal post transition, because they’re small, quiet, uneventful; in a word, they’re safe. But during transition, you want places you can go, whether for direct support to help you transition, or a place where you can just talk out your feelings. I mean, I should clarify: if you know there are places for support nearby, then don’t throw that away for the possibility of more. But before moving, I would recommend trying to research where you’re going, this way you know you have access to the things you need.
Padding is a transgirl’s best friend and they’re more common than you probably realize. Genetic women are sometimes not well-endowed, hence there is padding to increase the bust by a cup size for those who wish to have more without resorting to expensive surgery. With a bra (especially a padded bra), they’ll work just as well for a transgirl. I also have what I call my “magic boob trick” to even give go the extra mile and give you cleavage. Have I shared this with you before? You’d need two sets of padding – one adhesive and one foam. With the adhesive, you place them as far on your chest from each other as possible while still covering the nipple. When the clasp is done, you’ll already have cleavage. The additional foam pads (held in place by a bra) give lift and perfect, realistic cleavage from any angle.
There’s also padding to enhance the hips and butt, thus creating natural-looking curvature. They’re quite a bit more expensive though, unfortunately. I don’t even own any myself, but I know they exist.
As for hiding the “you-know-what”, you’ll want to get used to tight undergarments. Personally, I recommend pantyhose or Spanx. Even if you’re not wearing a skirt or dress, pantyhose is still fine to wear under pants (and actually keeps your legs REALLY warm in the Winter). The same with Spanx, except in that case, it doesn’t cover your whole leg (so it’s more idea for warm weather). Either way, you tuck first and put that on over it.
Are you familiar with tucking? I guess I should just explain. The trick is to push the testes back up into your abdomen. There’s this natural cavity there that they can fit into (contrary to popular belief, they cannot get stuck there; in fact, they’ll likely have trouble staying put so you usually need to act fast). Then the penis itself is tucked as far back as possible to be out of the way. And then you use your tight undergarment to hold everything in place. It seems tricky and feels a little uncomfortable the first time you try it, but it gets easier every time until it becomes second nature. But if done right, you should be able to wear even a relatively formfitting skirt without any unsightly bulges.
Er-hem. I’ve also heard testimony that duct tape also works, but I don’t think I’d recommend that. It sounds really painful, and I’m pretty sure that can become potentially dangerous if left on for too long.
Some transgirls have difficulty tucking, whether because they can’t find that cavity or they’re especially “well-endowed” or something. Honestly, that’s okay. You CAN get away with not doing it, but that depends on your clothes. You’d need a long shirt, something long enough to conceal that part of your body. Or you need a flowy skirt. Something that naturally comes out and does not cling to the body. If you do this, tucking isn’t quite as necessary.
Now, tucking will NOT prevent spontaneous erections. However, if done correctly, it should prevent it from “going anywhere” and revealing itself. Unfortunately, the feeling of it being bound while like that will still be very uncomfortable. Just try to ignore it (watch your hands!) and it’ll go away on its own. Obviously, if you have one prior to tucking, there’s not much you can do, and you’re really stuck just waiting it out.
Last point on tucking: try to go to the bathroom BEFORE going out en femme. Yes, if you’ve done everything all right and pass well enough, you should be able to use a public ladies’ room with no issue. However, going to the bathroom will require you to untuck and have to redo everything, which can bring with it the potential for error. In my personal experience, it’s always harder to do the second time (for reasons I honestly can’t explain).
If I knew more about your body type, I might be able to recommend specific types of clothes. But as is, here’s some basic advice. Many transgirls are excited to finally be able to dress how they want and they end up overdoing it with showy, sexy, impractical outfits that are not ideal for the setting, the weather or their body type. Even if they technically pass, it draws a lot of attention to them. And this is bad. The longer a person looks at them, the greater a possibility there is for them to be clocked. I’m not saying, “don’t wear nice things.” But you should mindful of what you are wearing. Most genetic women with common sense don’t wear over-the-top showy or exposing outfits when it’s freezing outside. If you’ve got broad shoulders, you should probably avoid sleeveless tops that might accentuate that broadness. If you’re six feet tall, you don’t need to be wearing 6-inch heels (you really don’t need to be wearing 6-inch heels anyway, honestly). And for the love of everything, unless you’re going to a convention or it’s Halloween, don’t be whipping out the Japanese schoolgirl uniform or something. Most people generally don’t cosplay on a regular basis (although admittedly, that’s a shame). ^_^
I’m telling you this because I have outfits hanging in my closet that I bought on year one of dressing up, that I’ve never been able to wear out of the house because they’re impractical. When you’re acquiring your wardrobe, get the stuff you want. Really. But try to think about the situations you’re going to be wearing them. Casual is best. It’s okay to get pretty skirts, and flashy dresses and stuff, but seriously, don’t forget a t-shirt and jeans. Once you have a solid set of clothes available to where you can leave the house in something different for a couple consecutive days, THEN you can consider spending your money on “novelty” outfits. Even if it’s just for you have to make you feel good.
Shopping itself IS tricky. But to be fair, it’s only as hard as you make it. First off, try to research your size (with several sources) before getting anything. There are conversion charts out there that will tell you the comparable female size versus the male size you’re more familiar with. Also, be warned: female sizing makes no goddamn sense. It’s not uncommon for you to wear three different sizes of the same kind of clothes just because they’re different brands (hence, why I said to check several sources; get an average size to work with).
When you’re ready to pick things out, there’s two options: the internet or the store. The internet is potentially ideal if you’re nervous about picking things out publicly. The downside is that some things look or feel different than you’d expect based on the picture online. Alternately, you could go to a physical store. Now, once you have some wardrobe, you can just dress up and take as much time looking through things as you like, but if you don’t have any girl clothes yet, that might not be an option. It’s scary to look through it as a guy. I always felt like people were watching me; not thinking I was a tranny, but that I was a filthy pervert. But you do have to keep in mind that you’re not actually doing anything wrong. If you, presenting male, bring a pile of women’s clothing to the counter, you show that you’re buying it and giving their company money… and that’s all they really care about. You don’t need to make a big scene, and you don’t have to make excuses. Of course, if you have the option, a trustworthy female friend can help everything feel much less awkward.
And after two and a half pages, I’m not sure what other advice to bring up. Although I feel like I’m forgetting something… -_-
Been playing borderlands 2 the last week or so, and i can finally say that i’ll be taking a break from that game. For my short review, i guess i could say that the game is far better than the first one, and exceeded the hype by a million or more. Seriously, the only critique i have is that it could be longer (Even though it’s still a long game, and longer than the first) and that the ending could wrap things up in a better way. But that’s about it. It’s fun from start to end, and i urge any FPS/RPG fan to play it. It’s the definitive title of that sub genre.
I played with my big brother the first playthrough, and we got so many laughs from the dialog (Handsome Jack being the best deliverer of funny lines) and characters. Played as a siren. Then the second playthrough was alone, as a mechromancer. Nothing like i thought it would be. That character class is actually more fun than the siren. The whole anarchy stacks system (Which was my main skill tree) reminds me of the warrior class in titan quest, where you’re encouraged to go up to your enemies close range.. Anyway. A lot of fun! I’ll resume my borderlands 2’ing as soon as i can get my brother here again for the second difficulty level.
Fever and teeth issues
As for everything else in life. I’ve been fighting through a fever all this time playing borderlands 2; same with my brother, he also had a fever. But things are starting to look better now, i think i’m through with the fever now, and the coughing has subsided ever so slightly. I should be feeling fine in a few days.
Also, i got time with a dentist this Monday (As in, Tomorrow) to check on my teeth. They’ve been hurting like a mother hobbard as of late, and have been in a really bad shape for over two years or so now.
For instance, two of them have shattered. So that should tell anyone with teeth woes a lot about the pain that comes from time to time. Oh well, at least i’ll know what needs to be done tomorrow, after the check. Which is all i’m going in for. We do have universal healthcare in Sweden, and we’re pretty awesome about everything health related, but we’re still lagging behind in social toothcare, in that, there is none.
My trans-issues.. Still haven’t gotten an answer. I might have gotten one, only, it’s still at my parent’s place. I might walk to my parents (Which is on the other side of town, a 50 minute walk) tomorrow after i’m done at the dentist, and we’ll see then. My aunt called in to the doctors place to see if they couldn’t extend my “sick leave” (Not that it’s really a leave.. But in Sweden, i have a lot of reasons to be considered on “Sick leave”) and maybe hook me up with a few more pills for sleeping.. Not sure if i’ll need it though, so we’ll have to see. But mostly, i’ll want to be considered on sick leave so i can get a job part time or something like that. More as it develops.
As for trans stuff in general. I haven’t been too keen on it as of late. I feel very demoralized and just scared of dressing myself as of late (The last two weeks or so), and i haven’t been able to look myself in the mirror either. Thankfully, borderlands 2 has helped distracted me from this really sad state of mind i find myself in.. But i feel something’s gotta give. I just feel so lost..
Some meta stuff. My blog has been getting alot of views lately. A lot of them are searching through google, and some are jontron fans asking about his personal life. Jocelyn on deviantart just started a new chapter of her web comic, so that’s awesome. I should do a proper write up on her content for this blog. She’s kind of a big deal to this blog. So maybe expect that?
On the subject of blogs. I still haven’t started the karma post, and really, i have’t written anything, due to my borderlands 2 playing. But i do have one called “in defense of piracy: A response to allgengamers” in the pipeline. So there’s that.
And that’s gonna conclude this post. First real one of January. Shit! The one year mark is only a few months away. Can’t believe i’ve been blogging for almost a year now. I suspect i’ll be saying that a lot now. Haha!
Trying to think if there’s anything more.. Nope. Buy borderlands 2, read “Rain”, stay strong, and be awesome.
Doomsday, still no answer from the experts, almost xmas, Karma, Let’s playing and some future plans! This, and maybe some tangents, in today’s installment of “The world didn’t burn, yaay!1one”. Actually, it’s just yet another blog post from your pal, Jenna.
21st is drawing to its end, and the world just isn’t ending. No moon looming above us
.. no fires, no bombs, no ruins, no missiles, no nothing. Not that i’m disappointed or anything. I like living. All i want to say is that people will always make doomsday, and has been since the early 1800:s. People will continue to believe in doomsdays though, because people are too lazy to look up simple facts about the history of doomsday predictions. Nostradamus-shnamus, i say.
Yes, i totally stole that from jocelyncd on deviantart. But she’s so awesome that her awesome even reached down to my little corner of the internet.
I still haven’t heard from anyone regarding my trans-issues. Last i heard was that the doctor i met earlier in this town sent a remiss or something to stockholm to get ahold of an expert there. I guess all i can do is wait. I mean, it is the holidays now and all, so it’s understandable.
Nothing really new to report on that front.
My sister’s coming over this xmas and will be sleeping at my place, so i think i’ll get a lot off my chest with her company, which is great.. And maybe i’ll even get some beauty tips and stuff. That would be great. I also i think i’ll be ordering some shoes and stuff from a trade site. I’ll show some pics:
A lot of black and stuff. But i have to say that i got lucky with the shoes. I rarely find good looking shoes that can fit my big-ass feet. I have size 40-41.
Oh yes! I got clearance a few weeks ago to post a Q&A i did with Jocelyn last fall, so expect that one someday soon.
Speaking of Jocelyn. I’ve promoted her quite a few times on here, and unless it wasn’t obvious already, i really admire her. She makes me want to try harder, and she gives me a lot of inspirations to be a better person overall. So i feel great about her.
However, she wrote earlier on one of her blog posts that she kinda-sorta-maybe believes in Karma. I wrote a PM to her to ask a little more about it, and being the great person that she is, she responded with a pretty heartfelt story about her childhood. Long story short, i’ll be writing a synopsis/article/analysis on Karma in a few days. So expect that too.
There are a few logical fallacies the other side need to address before it can be taken as fact, and i’m also going to make a case that yes, it actually has to follow logic and prove itself. Just writing it down as “It doesn’t need logic” won’t stand. But more on that later. I have some fact checks i need to do first.
Well. Aside from the Karma post and the Q&A, i’ll be posting a year round-up. With some of my favorite pictures i found this year, some of my favorite videos, and just a lot of linkage. So it should be fun to anyone.
Outside of this blog, i feel very much in the mood to start my very own let’s playing channel. I’ve been waiting long enough to do that, and i’m finally in a position where i can do that. After xmas, i will more than likely start it. Feels exciting. I have some notes i will be taking, about what not to do and all that. Quality will be a priority.
And while i’m making other things, i should probably make that video explaining “my maplestory” or whatever i should call it. I need to look at an old harddrive to see if i can get that one working first, gather some additional resources (Pictures, videos) and write a script. So that will be a lot of fun, and kind of sad too. In a melancholy way. Either way, you guys are going to get to see me, and hear me for the first time! Oh, how manly i will appear.. Oh well. I’ll manage. I’ll change a lot with pills… and.. stuff.. ramble, ramble.
So yes! Let’s playing. I’ve been wanting to do it for over a year now. The major factor to me not doing it sooner has been the fact that i’ve been living with my parents. But i’m not anymore. I’m actually about two weeks into having my own place (Feels great, by the way).
What can i say? I just love it. I love listening to retsutalk, which is the best let’s playing podcast out there. I love watching all the let’s play channels, and i just love games in general. And i hear making let’s plays of games gives you a new perspective on them too. Which should be pretty awesome!
These guys happen to be my favorites at the moment: www.youtube.com/user/SGBLikesToPlay/
As a transsexual, i’ve had to go through getting products intended for men over the years. I think one of the worst things was when i got a spiderman figure that one time as a child. I cried and locked myself into the bathroom.. Not my proudest moments, but it just hurt me. And so does getting “nivea for men” and what not, which is what i got last xmas. Made me very depressed. I basically receded into my room, feeling pissy as all hell. And i bet i’ll get a gift of that nature again this xmas. It may sound petty, and i guess it is to some extent, but it can be really hurtful, i can assure you. I don’t need a reminder of my exterior, and people’s perceived image of me.
Lastly, i’d like to link a few new things i’ve found. Most of them are xmas related. Consider it a xmas present from me to you. For being so kind to check my little blog. Thank you:
I guess that’s that. A little over 1100 words in this here blog post. Sorry for dumping so much on you guys. I promise i will update a little more frequently. It’s just that moving has been quite the project, and it’s made me a bit busy. Glad to have finally been able to get this out of my system now though.
And with that! MARRY XMAS TO YOU ALL, and a happy new year!