I drew a little something something for this special day. Read up on it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_Day_of_Remembrance
Been playing borderlands 2 the last week or so, and i can finally say that i’ll be taking a break from that game. For my short review, i guess i could say that the game is far better than the first one, and exceeded the hype by a million or more. Seriously, the only critique i have is that it could be longer (Even though it’s still a long game, and longer than the first) and that the ending could wrap things up in a better way. But that’s about it. It’s fun from start to end, and i urge any FPS/RPG fan to play it. It’s the definitive title of that sub genre.
I played with my big brother the first playthrough, and we got so many laughs from the dialog (Handsome Jack being the best deliverer of funny lines) and characters. Played as a siren. Then the second playthrough was alone, as a mechromancer. Nothing like i thought it would be. That character class is actually more fun than the siren. The whole anarchy stacks system (Which was my main skill tree) reminds me of the warrior class in titan quest, where you’re encouraged to go up to your enemies close range.. Anyway. A lot of fun! I’ll resume my borderlands 2’ing as soon as i can get my brother here again for the second difficulty level.
Fever and teeth issues
As for everything else in life. I’ve been fighting through a fever all this time playing borderlands 2; same with my brother, he also had a fever. But things are starting to look better now, i think i’m through with the fever now, and the coughing has subsided ever so slightly. I should be feeling fine in a few days.
Also, i got time with a dentist this Monday (As in, Tomorrow) to check on my teeth. They’ve been hurting like a mother hobbard as of late, and have been in a really bad shape for over two years or so now.
For instance, two of them have shattered. So that should tell anyone with teeth woes a lot about the pain that comes from time to time. Oh well, at least i’ll know what needs to be done tomorrow, after the check. Which is all i’m going in for. We do have universal healthcare in Sweden, and we’re pretty awesome about everything health related, but we’re still lagging behind in social toothcare, in that, there is none.
My trans-issues.. Still haven’t gotten an answer. I might have gotten one, only, it’s still at my parent’s place. I might walk to my parents (Which is on the other side of town, a 50 minute walk) tomorrow after i’m done at the dentist, and we’ll see then. My aunt called in to the doctors place to see if they couldn’t extend my “sick leave” (Not that it’s really a leave.. But in Sweden, i have a lot of reasons to be considered on “Sick leave”) and maybe hook me up with a few more pills for sleeping.. Not sure if i’ll need it though, so we’ll have to see. But mostly, i’ll want to be considered on sick leave so i can get a job part time or something like that. More as it develops.
As for trans stuff in general. I haven’t been too keen on it as of late. I feel very demoralized and just scared of dressing myself as of late (The last two weeks or so), and i haven’t been able to look myself in the mirror either. Thankfully, borderlands 2 has helped distracted me from this really sad state of mind i find myself in.. But i feel something’s gotta give. I just feel so lost..
Some meta stuff. My blog has been getting alot of views lately. A lot of them are searching through google, and some are jontron fans asking about his personal life. Jocelyn on deviantart just started a new chapter of her web comic, so that’s awesome. I should do a proper write up on her content for this blog. She’s kind of a big deal to this blog. So maybe expect that?
On the subject of blogs. I still haven’t started the karma post, and really, i have’t written anything, due to my borderlands 2 playing. But i do have one called “in defense of piracy: A response to allgengamers” in the pipeline. So there’s that.
And that’s gonna conclude this post. First real one of January. Shit! The one year mark is only a few months away. Can’t believe i’ve been blogging for almost a year now. I suspect i’ll be saying that a lot now. Haha!
Trying to think if there’s anything more.. Nope. Buy borderlands 2, read “Rain”, stay strong, and be awesome.
Finally got done with the last bit of unpacking and stuff today. So aside from a few things i’m going to buy later, i am officially moved in now. Took me a little less than a week.
So.. What’s coming up? Honestly, right now, i don’t feel too inspired. Kind of depressed at my hair, in all honesty. It looks horrible, and i can’t make it look good no matter what i do. I’ve heard that a lot of women wear extensions, so i guess i should give that a shot. Heck, Riki Lindholm said at one point that half her hair is extensions. Which would explain why it’s so lustrous. So maybe that will be my answer, until i can do the surgery to fix my hair. I know a lot of transsexuals do that.
Feels great having my own place though. For once. A friend of mine wrote a pretty depressing page on her comic today. You know, now that i finally live at my own place, i could record a video of me talking about it instead of me writing about it. Anyway. I think i’ve written about the comic before. It’s called “Rain”, and it’s about a transsexual going through life as a school girl. It’s really good, and i recommend checking it out.
SPOILER, by the way (The page is too good not to link here):
Next week, i’m going to focus on getting some new clothes and what not. I also want to pierce my ears so i can start wearing earrings. I promised myself i would do that. I feel that i had something else to write about, but this is all i can really think about.
I guess i’ll think about starting the video making sometimes next week too. Feeling a bit excited. Oh, and it’s almost xmas too. About 9 days here in Sweden. If you’ll excuse me, i’m off to take a little walk and listen to some George Carlin.
I feel like venting a little at people on the internet. First of, let me tell you all where i’m coming from.
I’m a transsexual woman in a one horse town full of bigots whose only interests are horses, scooters, floorball and football; i don’t have anyone i can really call a friend, per see; and the only vindication i have in life is the internet, as sad as that is.
So i have to express my anger and sadness over the fact that i can not for the life of my establish a conversation on the internet. I’m guessing it’s just me. Whatever wrong it is with me at the moment. That has to factor in somehow. Because, just wow! I don’t get it what so ever, how it always goes this way:
Hello. This thing you wrote was really interesting. Here are some questions, backed with some observations and points. What say you?
Ah, yes. You’re totally right, and that is really interesting. A question and another question. Some points and obserbations, you’re pretty cool.
Oh, yes. Very intersting, and here are some answers to your questions, here are some points and such, this conversation sure is going swell.
*Nothing but silence*
What you’ve just read is the ramblings of a madwoman who can’t figure out human interactions, obviously.
Seriously though. What gives? Am i the only one having this issue? Is it me, or is it other people who just have too much else to think about in their life?
In today’s post:
Transsexual thoughts. Lots of writing. Music program updates. And augmented reality concept short.
My transsexual dilemma
I feel a bit torn.. Like i explained in a earlier post, i feel that i will split this family. I either want to be open to everyone in my family (And everyone on earth), which includes their friends and everything, or distance myself from my family as a whole. Which includes instances of me being alone with them somewhere. I really hate having to hide my transsexuality. Which i am pretty much forced to do now. So it’s a hard thing for me to deal with. It could also be that i’m over thinking things, and making myself into a victim. I should be very wary of the possibility that that is what i’m doing.
Still, i can’t help but to wonder exactly how many around my family’s going to be able to accept me for who i am, and what my closest family members will say to me, in regards to everyone else in the family.
Reason why i’m thinking so much about this right now, is because my mom is having a party at home. And we’re like, 30 or more here. So it’s quite big. A lot of family, friends and friends of friends. And to wrap up my thoughts on my transsexuality on this matter (Which is weird to do when you’ve started a new paragraph, but oh well), i’m just wondering if i’m going to get a lot of people in my family, telling me that they’re ashamed, and that they want me to hide it from others. Because if i get that, then so be it. I’ll simply have to distance myself. I’m not going to hide forever.
Been sitting in my room for the most part, contemplating about my situation. I don’t really feel like socializing when i don’t really know what people really think of me. Not that many out there (In the house right now) really know about my transsexuality, but i feel like i don’t want to get used to being with them, if they’re just going to dismiss me later.. Maybe it’s wrong of me to think like that though. Another thing i think could be a factor is gender dysphoria. I really don’t like how other women get to dress up, and i don’t. I think i wrote more about exactly what situation i’m in, but basically, i’m just respecting the wish of my mom who asked me not to dress up around dad. Which i will do while i live at them. Plain and simple.
Anyway.. Huge digression there. Kind of disjointed. But oh well. Been writing a lot today. With this entry, it’s three posts in one day. Damn.. My fingers are burning! Other than that.. I’ve pretty much just been sitting here, being depressed for the most part.
Music program update
Did a little more on the music program too. Now i have some kind of framework, and i can actually start making the full interface for it with HTML/JS/CSS. Fun times to be had with that. Finally some graphical stuff, as opposed to fixing linking issues and what not. Nothing new to really show yet though. But i will have something in due time, i’m sure.
Well, it’s sunday.. And people are going to be party sick tomorrow. So i guess i will just relax. Seems like a good idea. Oh, and on monday, i’ll have the 100th daily entry! I should do something special about that. Compile some pictures and videos, i think.
Decided to just call it “HAFH”. Home away from home episode 2, part 1. It’s nice just sitting here. Been feeling a little stressed today too. Again, no good reason. But eh.. It’s pretty chill right now. I love the rain that you can hear from the outside, and i was thinking of relaxing with some miles davis after this post. So i can’t complain.
I’ve been trying to fix my brother’s steam today. Steam on his computer isn’t working. It says that it needs internet. Which obviously, we have here. It’s not the network (Although i decided to try out different fixes on it just in case), because it works on my computer. I’ve tried to reinstall, restart computer, uninstall, in many different combinations. As well as deleting the “blob” file. It stopps as “updating”, and tells me we need network. I also tried closing services from a list valve posted. And stopped firewalls, etc.. Nothing’s working! I guess we’ll have to reinstall windows.. *Sigh*.
If anyone reading this would like to help, please leave a comment.
I haven’t checked my 3ds money yet.. Guess i should, just in case it’s here early. Nope, nothing yet. Well, i should have it tomorrow at night, or at latest, sometimes this Wednesday.
Today’s Penn’s sunday school was amazing. Really manic-depressive. Penn talking about how his dad, mom and sister would have been proud now that he’s getting a star in Hollywood.
Tomorrow, i’ll be making dinner for my brother (He works nights all the time), which i think he’ll enjoy. He hardly ever eats proper meals anymore. So maybe i’ll get to be a little useful too. After that.. I guess try out some other routs to take, now that i’m sleeping in the middle of town. And that’s about it.
Adam Savage at TAM 2009. Not sure if i’ve heard this one yet, or not. But we’ll see.
I’m a huge fan of Adam! So i’m sure i’ll like it.
This is probably going to be ranty.
I went to my brother’s midsummer party that he was having at his place today, but quickly went home, because my head was feeling dizzy, and i fealt some stress from the load music.. Well, i get home, and dad is listening to even higher music! So now i’m frustrated as hell, because it’s currently fucking 30 mins until mid-fucking-night, and he’s still going with the same fucking load ass mother fucking volume! Sure, i could tell him that, but on the other hand, this isn’t my place, and i’ev been kindo f living here for the last fucking 3 years or so. So fuck it!
i’m terribly annoyed and frustrated, along with the dizziness and lighter stress (It’s better today, by the way. Finally got my sleep). I don’t want to hear no drum beatings and shit right now! I want peace and quiet! But no, i’m not getting that, apparently! So yea, i just got home from a rage enduced walk in the fucking forest, where i openly ranted at exactly everything i saw. Because.. Well, fuck it! Who needs to feel better, RIGHTASDFJasdilsdrioa?`=½!=?!=!=?WQils””””””!”!!!!!!!!!!!
But yea.. Need to try to calm down…. A little hard when you’re having sound torture outside the thin thin thin thin thin door where those big fucking speakers are. It’s just annoying.. As hell. And i think i will be taking another walk, because i just can’t take this right now. I honestly can’t. Maybe before posting this, i should take the walk, and write a calmer part bellow this rant.
Finally!!! Peace and quiet! Maybe now i can think! Damn, that was really annoying! I went out to some swings that are a few minutes away from here. It was nice and fun, just like how i remember it. I haven’t used swings in ages!
Anyway! Fog in Sweden. While on my inane rant through the neighborhood, i started thinking about, and mumbling to myself about how i don’t belong here. I started making metaphors about the tree chopping and the littering of the lumberjacks. It’s pretty funny when you see t hem take down trees that weren’t in the way of any view or anything, and them littering on the ground. The reason why i think that is because they could start looking past their own noses, and maybe we as a people would start craving to see more of things. Like i’ve said earlier, there’s no spot in this place where you can get a good view of the town. Not a single one. There’s always a few trees in the way or something like that. And not a single person cares. The only tower here where you could get a good view, is closed “due to vandalism”. Bullshit! It’s closed because you want it for yourself, you greedy bastard.
No one cares. Everyone’s so trapped in their own bubbles. Their own world is all that exist. I don’t belong here. At all. I need to get out of here. Oh, and voting? Just fucking forget about it. “Whatever benefits my bubble”.
An update on the 3ds thing. I probably won’t get far until Monday or so. Because it’s all at a standstill now that it’s weekend. As an unemployed.. You grow to hate the weekends. It’s one of the worst times in the week for me.
Another thing i should point out is that i fear i might have done something wrong. I checked the help section on my bank to be double sure about the account name, and when you actually log in on it, you use 19yy (y = year). That is what you should use, it said, and that is what is being used, and it is what fit in perfectly when using the paypal function to deliver it to my bank account. So yea.. Yet, when i look at the account name on my bank when logging in, it’s just with the yy. So i donno.. Either, when the weekend is over, it will get transferred (Because it’s apparently man controlled for safety reason), or declined. I highly doubt there’s an account on my bank (Which was the one i specified) with the exact same account name as mine, but with 19 in the beginning.. In fact, i know that is impossible. So maybe, since i specified it with 19 in the beginning, it has to go through some system to make sure it gets to me. But it should push back to my paypal account (Like it said it would if the account was invalid)… But it does make me worried when paypal says it has been transferred… But maybe they just mean that they’ve sent it.
I’m really paranoid with it! But i can do nothing until the weekend is over.
I was originally going to name this post “Defeat on midsummer”. Since i had to leave my brother’s place, but dad just made me too angry and more stressed. Maybe he’s the source of my stress. It’s because of him i can’t dress the way i want (Mom adviced me not to, because it would just complicate things now that i live at my parents) and about everything he does annoys me, he’s hardly ever happy, i feel that i can’t talk to him about anything because he’s always grumpy. I tend to get a bit happy when he’s unhappy actually. Ugh… My relationship to my dad is not very good. But i can’t do anything about anything as long as i have to live here. It’s ironic too, because he tends to barge into my little brother’s room, telling him to be quiet… Yea.. Fucking hypocrite.
And that’s it! I finally get to settle down. Way later than i hoped it would be.. But hey! Fuck him!
Tomorrow.. I hope won’t be the same as today. I hope he goes away during the night (As he tends to do), and it becomes just calm and great and awesome. I can’t wait until monday, because i’ll get to stay at my brother’s place for 5 days then. And i will also be able to find out more about the 3ds thing. I sure hope i haven’t screwed myself and Darrin.
I haven’t watched it yet, but here’s a new PBG. I like that guy: