For a number of years now, i’ve felt less and less inclined to change genders. I don’t know when i decided to put this little deadline on myself, but i decided that this year’s Autumn was the deadline for my decision. The deadline for when i’ve got to take the road most commonly traveled. The deadline for when i have to move on.
I’m not trans! I’m someone who doesn’t really care about gender identity. Not in myself; not in others (On account on me being a bisexual). Now, i could be one of those who feel like this needs a label, but i’d rather just let people perceive me as they wish, because to me, it doesn’t matter. And since it doesn’t matter, why put a label on it? Why should i be concerned about that?
Sex is a binary. You either have a dick or a vagina. But gender is a matter of many things. We’re all on different levels of masculinity and femininity, so it becomes a gradient. A gradient where you don’t mind appearing as a manly viking, but also don’t mind appearing as a girly girl.
I guess what i’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter to me, so therefor, i’ll just default to the one i have now, so i don’t have to mess around with the many hardships that HRT, speech therapy and SRS brings. And it feels liberating to write this down. I used to think that my anxiety was linked to gender dysphoria, yet i’ve gone around presenting male all this time, and the anxiety has gone down! Of course, that could be a hidden statistic for all i know. Far be it from me to speak authoritatively on psychology and neurology. So like with everything in my life, i have doubts. I always doubt. But that doubt is down to the same level i have of my doubts that i’m just a brain in a jar in a simulation.
In conclusion, i would advice anyone to just do yourself. Right now, i think the way i’m doing me is a winning formula. I’m feeling better, i’m doing KBT, i’m doing all my hobbies, i laugh, i spend time with friends, and most of all, i’m presenting male. And all of it feels good to me. I feel right.
Of course, you can always develop as a human being and life is a constant self-discovery quest.
Yesterday, i got a call back (Already) from the clinic, and it turns out that they still want me to come! I can’t believe how lucky i am! This time, i’ve made sure that no more mistakes or misunderstandings occur! I’ll make sure that the people there understand it too! Where i’m coming from with my situation. After all, I’m partially there to tell them about myself!
I found a pretty interesting article on wikipedia that i wanted to share: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer
Recently, a 6-year old kid by the name of Coy Mathis won a case against unreason and irrationality. So now she gets to use the girls bathroom. Imagine that? A girl gets to use the girl’s bathroom! Good thing we solved that pressing issue!
But in all seriousness though! I’ve had a pretty good week in news overall. Texas won against the anti-women crowd, some pretty big anti-DOMA steps were made (Even though the “let the states decide” is a little troublesome, i think at the end of the day, it was a step in the right direction), and then a little trans girl won against some more stupid people! Oh, and google and youtube are all like, we’re fabulous <3!
We keep seeing transsexuals having to fight for her rights (Usually a woman, of course) to use a fucking bathroom, and it makes you wonder “why!?”. What’s the mentality? Why are bigots so against it.
Well, the obvious answer would be because they’re scared of transsexuals. If there’s something i’ve met far too often, even from very liberal people, it’s that a lot of cis people sees us as succubi. That we only want to have sex with everything, and that we’re promiscuous as all hell!
We somehow only want ill towards cis people. We seek only to deceive and delude the poor hetrosexual cis men, who thinks they’re getting a real woman, then BAM! Gay guy wearing drag! That’s what we are… That’s what they think..
Well, let me then present to you, some good material and first steps you could take to learn more about what we are. What being a transsexual constitutes.
If we can turn one mind at a time, to the idea that we’re just ordinary people who happen to identify with something other than our biological “gender”, then can this succubi effect be destroyed!
I’m not a big fan of gender binary. I think humanity could be so much more if we stopped being so rigid and black and white. Because the less difference we see in each other, the better.
That being said. If you’re someone who throws a fit the moment someone even acknowledges the fact that our society compartmentalizes humans into two genders, you should just give up. Because you won’t win over anyone with anger and hate. You could might as well join the WBC, if that is how you’re gonna act.
A fellow trans woman is making a video game, i just found it. Couple that together with this article: http://penny-arcade.com/report/article/video-games-showed-me-who-i-could-be-transgender-gamers-share-their-stories
I couldn’t find her twitter, sadly. But at least i can show you her work. It looks to be a pretty interesting title.
The article goes into the game she’s making, some clarifications on definitions and best of all, some transgender gamers stories. I highly recommend reading the entire article, to learn a little more about transsexuals and videogames (Very little of the article focuses on the negative, which is a huge refresher). A lot of it applies to me, and i’m sure a lot of my transsexual readers. And for those you want to know a little more about why gender in videogames matter to us, then please!
Oh, and if you would, please support her kickstarter! ^w^
The nail polish story. Depression over essentially nothing, welcome to my life.
I’ve been feeling very depressed the last two days. All due to my gender dysphoria. I think all transsexuals has at least one story, involving feeling depressed during xmas, and i’m no different. Something as little as removing my nail polish was enough to make me hate myself this time. I wish i could be beyond feeling like that for the most minor things. But i can’t. And hey, at least i’m not alone.
So what’s the story? Well, i removed my nailpolish prior to going to my parents place. And while there, i just started to feel really depressed. You know. Why on earth do i bother? I just feel that everything i do is a lie. I can’t be myself among people i’m supposed to feel comfortable around? What the hell is wrong with me?
I still don’t feel comfortable enough to go full woman yet either. I lack clothing and stuff.
And all this, in tandem with getting gifts, just makes it worse. I decided to just go home instead of staying there, so i skipped all the gifts. Didn’t open them until today actually. Got some guy clothes, of course.. I’d rather not get anything.. But that’s my problem. I feel like a fucking prick for speaking this way. And maybe i am. Probably am. But i can’t help it, and i guess my doctor’s appointment with an expert on transsexuals is some kind of defense, right?
Well, anyway. Long story short. I probably won’t celebrate xmas anymore. I mean, for one, i just can’t get my xmas spirit up anymore, and being among people in that way just isn’t working for me anymore. I can’t handle it. So it’s best that i just remove myself from it.
One piece fandom
On a happier note. I feel much better now. I think the long discussion my brother and i had about one piece did the trick. To think that i still know so much about it even to this day. Oh, and Van Auger was the character with such a funny and awesome name, that i couldn’t think of earlier. Hehe.
I’v been a fan of one piece since almost the beginning. I remember there only being about 3 manga volumes out when i finally got my hands on the first three issues, and i’ve been a fan since. Sure, i haven’t watched it in about three years now. But who can blame me? The series is going on forever. Kind of want it to end.. But you know, i’m still a fan. It’s been long overdue, and i should catch up again. I’m just not much of a wait-a-week-to-watch-next-episode kind of person. I’d rather watch in huge chunks.
Finding my inner videogamer again
I recently got done with Metroid prime. And damn is that a great game. The final boss is a lot of fun, and lets you use all the weapons and skills you’ve learned during the adventure. I know i’m probably in the minority on this, but i’ll take metroid prime over any 2d metroid, any day.
So i feel like i should move onto other games now. Feels great having gotten into the swing of playing more games. What started me and my brother’s discussion on one piece was a game called skies of arcadia. Which is what i think i’ll play soon. I’ve completed it before, and watched my brother played it to the end two times. So i’m a big fan of it. It involves sky pirates, and it’s an old school, unique RPG. So all the stars are aligned for a great experience, and it sure as hell is.
I have the gamecube port of the game.
Then i guess i will be tackling psychonauts too. My brother got it for me three days ago. Little has to be said about it, i think. I’ll just let the trailer for it do the talking for me.
And that’s about it. Kind of a lacking post, and it’s not the karma post or anything. But i guess i had to get it out of my system. Now, tomorrow, i should be cleaning my apartment, because my big sister who is visiting is going to come over tomorrow.