While standing in line at the store today, i decided i would buy some spearmint gum. Me and spearmint has a weird relationship. I quite commonly enjoy myself some sweet mint, and i drink peppermint tea everyday, so it’s not the fact that it’s a mint that’s weird. It’s the taste of spearmint.
I found that i hadn’t chewed spearmint gum in years. I remember when i would first try it out, i was in an even stranger phase in my life where i would take endless walks outside, listening to podcasts. A friend of mine called Darin recommended i’d listen to “Smart videogame fan”, after i had asked him for some recommendations. Back in those days, i would listen to about 5 podcasts.
My first love was Noobtoob. A podcast that no longer exists. Then the second one ever was SVGF, one that i listen to to this day. Third one was AllGenGamers, which is another podcast that continues on to this day.
A lot of days went by where i tried to distance my thoughts from everything that was going on in my mind. I tried different tactics that would help me reconcile my transsexual thoughts once and for all.
After listening to Dream Theater’s “Metropolis part 2”, and loving it, i decided i would try to believe in reincarnation. I wanted to believe that i would be a woman in the next life. There was no way i could keep telling myself that lie though! What evidence do i have that that would be the case? Wishful thinking. Nothing more than that!
I know that the album is about something else, but for me, it will always invoke some transsexual feelings. “Find out who i was at last”, really speaks to me.
Another thing i tried to tell myself was that i just wasn’t a transsexual. I mean. How could that be?? How could i be that? Chances are so astronomically low that i would be. Some random person in the middle of Sweden! No.. That life was some eccentric American’s life (That’s really how i felt about it).
After spending years battling the ever louder person inside of me, who wanted to break out so bad, i finally decided that i would have to walk this path after reading an article about a 16-year old trans girl in Germany.
I would have to start listening to the person inside of me. She was calling me to find her, and i finally listened.
Not too long after that, i decided to tell my parents. It was the end of summer when i decided to go through with it, and the beginning of fall when i told them. Very few people knew about my feelings. But i decided to tell everyone.
Regardless, i have a long way to go. Hopefully, i’m going to reach my goal of starting HRT this spring. It sounded that way on the doctor i talked to a few days ago.
I’ll probably end up wondering to myself why i even bothered closeting myself the way i am right now. Cause i still am kind of ½ way-ish. I’ve written about that many times before, so i won’t say why that is in this post. You could find that out if you wanted to.
It’s funny how one taste can invoke so many feelings.. Not sure i’m going to chew anymore spear mint after i’ve written this post, though. At least not in a very long time. The feelings are quite bad, but mostly melancholy. What was i even fighting? Why did i deny it? Seems to pointless in retrospect.
Quite some time ago, i wrote a short blog post where i expressed my dissatisfaction with how long i had to wait until i could go see my therapist in Uppsala..
Well, the time has finally come, and tomorrow, i’m going! Feeling very nervous and anxious, as usual. Very curious as to what we’ll discuss and what they would like to know.
On a side note, it will be fun to see what that town will look like during winter/autumn.
I’ve taken up drawing/painting again. I don’t know.. At least for now, i feel that i really love it. So far, i’ve drawn some doodles. You can find them on my deviant art page.
I’m going to keep myself occupied for the rest of the night, to make time go a little faster. Very excited!
I haven’t given my readers a bonus video in ages. It’s something i used to do a lot back when i updated daily.
This is a special one for me, cause it has my brother in it (In fact, he’s on the cover). I hope he doesn’t mind that i share this:
I’ve written about a transsexual friend of mine on her before, and linked to her transition donation fund. And now i wanna do that with another friend, who recently made it known that she needs some help.
I might not agree with some of the actions she’s taken with transition. But i do understand that desperate times require desperate measures. So i want to lend a hand as best i can, because she’s a good person. Sadly, i don’t have any money, and won’t have for who knows how long. But maybe anyone reading this does. If so, i would like you to help her monetarily. Heck, send her a PM of well wishes if you have the time to spare.
Here’s her page: http://www.gofundme.com/2cg8rw
Transition is a bitch! Let’s make it a little less bitchy for one individual.
Just had a short meeting with someone about “my plans”. It’s an obligatory thing all of the nurses on the clinic has to go through with their patients.
I told her that I was pretty happy with the help I have gotten. 1) getting away from everything to get a new perspective. 2) to be able to interact with people more.
So I said I was ready to go home. She didn’t have much to add, since it was just an obligatory thing. We also brushed a little on my transsexuality. I told her about myself.. But anyone reading my diary will know that whole story.
Already Sunday… Not much longer now, and I’ll get to go home.
Just got home from a walk with a woman I’ve been chatting with a lot. Apparently, she’s been having issues with children, her husband, and relationships. All I can say is that I’m happy to not be in a relationship right now. It just seems like a chore
I listened to a song called “skin” by machinae supremacy. Ever since a friend told me that it reminded her of transsexuals, I checked it out, and i loved it.. Cause it’s so sad.
So now I’m in a somber mood.
Damn.. That talk with that woman I mentioned earlier was very optionally draining. Such a downer. I can’t even imagine what she must go through.
I was really enjoying fall, but now the last efforts of summer has taken a hold of the town. So that sucks!
To be honest, my gender issues is weighing down on me. It’s time I become more open about it to my mom too. As hard as it is to talk about it… What’s the song say.. “You need to cause a storm to change how you are within”. To paraphrase “skin”.
I might be able to come home tomorrow.
Currently outside, snitching some WiFi from some place.
Had a good sleep last night. I feel that I’ve learned a lot about my sleep while staying here. For one, I will stop eating breakfast directly after lunch, I will take a nightly walk about an hour earlier than before.
.. And I will not be sleeping with the TV on anymore. The computer will be turned off at night.
Exploring the outskirts of town now. Found a nice bench — on a forest path — to sit on.
Been thinking about my stress. I need to be able to tell myself that it’s all OK, and that nothing’s bad is gonna happen. I also don’t need to go anywhere. I am here now, and that’s that.
Yet, this eerie feeling is looming over me. A feeling of helplessness and fear. I should request to talk to someone once I get home, maybe.
I’ve lived like this for so long, that it becomes a big difficulty to just be happy. How I wish things could be easier.
Perhaps it all comes from a feeling of failure? I think everything’s gonna go to shit, just because I failed to be sociable, that one time today. I wrote down that I need to be able to handle downfalls better.
I’m going to socialize as soon as i get back, to see if I’ll feel better.
It seems to have helped. Currently trying to meditate.
I checked out what asmr is earlier. They talked about it on gamegrumps, of all things.
It’s when someone moves close in on the mic and talks in a very soft and quiet voice. Basically Bob Ross. Who, by the way, I should check out later. I wanna watch some videos where he paints. Only watched one in the past. I loved it!
Oh, and meditation is helping, but it’s slow. I can remain focus for about a minute, and I can remain in a session for about 15 minutes.
People often complain about hospital and school food.. I’m not one of them. I think it tastes awesome, to put it in general and blunt terms.
So now it’s time go outside, then Luigi’s mansion, then some video(s) and maybe some meditating.
I still need to address the big elephant in the room. My transsexuality.
I need to make an executive (I’m fancy with my fancy words) decision about me dressing the way I want. It will be done tonight.
Outside walking again. Based on a few signs I’ve seen here and there, people in this town seem very proud about their dialect/slang. You’ll see things like “körv”. If I find a sign or something that says “oshan” or something, I will take a picture.
I love puzzles. I wrote it down on my list. Totally buying some 1,000s and 2,000s, to start off.
Finished Luigi’s mansion 2. What an excellent game. From start to finish. I loved exploring the very detailed areas in the game. Always played with the 3d on. The Luigi’s mansion games were made for 3d at the very start. And it showed. Gah… I’ll miss my time in that game.
Been thinking of doing some gem and boo hunting though. Maybe 100% it. I probably will.
The meditation session about my transsexuality got put on hold due to fitting my time with the lunch and “walk” times (they force you stay inside after 7pm).
Tomorrow, I will explore the harbor some more. Gotta love that nice sea breeze.
A new episode of Sjin’s “feed the world” series got released too. So I’ll probably take my pills, watch his video, browse some reddit and twitter, and then fall asleep.
I haven’t been on Facebook in days now. And I won’t be visiting it until o get home either.
A nurse/doctor told me that wanting to go home is a good sign of recovery. Feels good.
Had a meeting with the head doctor again. An expected meeting. We talked more about what I’m getting out of being here, and how they could cooperate with me. I said what I’ve been saying in this diary (if you need to know, just read previous entries). And it ended up with them giving me free range of being able to go outside whenever I like (fuck yeeees) and giving me an assignment for next Tuesday: write down the habits and behavior that you wish to change. I’ve already done a little of that, but I suppose I should compile it all in a separate file.
Anyhow. I’m outside writing this. Ton a head to the store to buy some things, and hopefully get back in time for dinner.
Feeling much better already. Not just because I can go outside, buy also because I can manage social interactions much better.
I don’t get to see the head doctor for another 6 days. So I know for a fact I’m staying until then.
I’m inside again now. Feels good after a walk. I thought about remembering to breathe with my stomach, when I’m in social situations.. I will hone this skill.
Got some goodies to eat after lunch too. Which is in about 10 minutes.
Apparently, Obama is in Sweden. Oh-boy… I wish we didn’t have to do diplomacy with such a horrible human being. But oh well. I’m far from that event. And this is something I need to work on. Don’t get upset about it. Think it through instead, and rationalize.
Luigi’s mansion 2 is too much fun!
Done with Luigi’s mansion 2 for now. Just got to world 3, which seems to be western/cliff/desert. I just love that. It takes the clichés and tropes of the typical game, and adds a haunted trope to it. I could see the mixing of tried and true concepts take off. I mean, how can you not like a haunted tree house, a haunted manor, etc.
Needless to say. Fantastic game so far. It’s even made me laugh a few times.
I have written down a few things on that list I talked about too.
Part of what’s on that list. Of what I’ve figured out, is that I can’t delete my twitter or WordPress account. So now I’ve convinced myself and been convinced by others.
Gonna explore town for an hour before lunch.
Been playing a lot of Luigi’s mansion. I always seem to forget the therapeutic effect a good game has. To the list of hobbies I need to do more, games is one of them.
By the way. Luigi’s mansion 2 is amazing. I think I like it more than the first. Although, the first will always have a special place in my heart.
I asked about how much this would cost, and they said it’s about 80 sek a day. Which will add to about 800 sek once next Tuesday comes around. I have a feeling this can be covered by social security, but to be honest, if I keep making this amount of progress, I will be able to leave on Tuesday.
It will be sweet to purge my life at home, from the bad influences, and to start, in earnest, to change my life around.
I have to admit that my feelings are kind of mixed. On one hand, I love the change and the ability to recuperate; but I miss seeing family, and my job.
I’ve been really chatty today. I love getting to know people. That’s such an exciting thing for me. I must add that to the list of things I need to do more. Because I’m a people person, but I’ve been held off by my anxiety. No more!! Totally going to chat up my work mates once I get home.
I played some more Luigi’s mansion 2, and now I’m gonna reddit a little and go to bed.
I can easily say that Luigi’s mansion 2 rekindled my love for games.
As a Swede, i enjoy the luxuries of getting SRS, HRT for free. But it comes with a very long “trail period”, or whatever you should call it. Since i’m not the one paying, they need to be sure i really have to do it. Which is fair. It’s the price to pay, so to speak.
So far, i’ve met with someone who wanted to ask me some initial questions, just to get to know me and how i came to realize i was trans. The second time, i met with someone who wanted to ask me some follow-up questions to the initial questions. Third time, i met with a counselor type of person. She wanted to know a little more about myself, and my background, She gave me some numbers to call in case i needed it, and she was a generally nice person.
But tomorrow’s meeting will involve a psychologist. So it’ll be the most intense meeting yet. And i’m more nervous about it than i ever have been! I get to meet with someone who legitimately knows about transsexuals, someone who has been dealing with people like me for years.. So in a sense, my real journey starts here. This is it!
I’ll write more on this tomorrow.. Right now, i need to avert my thoughts from it!