I like your videos, but this really isn’t one of your best. Cheers!
Earlier today, I went to my parent’s house with my big brother. It’s something we do a lot, and it doesn’t really have much to do with the story.
While there, we got into a discussion – me, my mom and mg brother – about biting finger nails and peeling fingers and all that. And my brother said that he had noticed that all my fingers were kind of peeled.
I said “yeah, it’s pretty much because of stress”. To which he replied that I shouldn’t do it anymore and be aware that I’m doing it. Implying that I don’t know.
Well, I do know. I know it very well! But I just can’t be bothered. At all.
To that, he replied that I should start to care. To which I replied that I’ve been thinking that exact thought for the longest time, and that I’m very well aware of it all.
But once again, I just can’t. But he made it sound like it was easy to do. Just do it.
If you’re like me, and you have a lot of depression in your life, you know how frustrating it is to not be able to express just how horrible depression is. And if you’re even more like me, you hesitate to even say anything, because the word “depressed” is being tossed around so much these days, that it has kind of lost all meaning. So not only are you at a loss for words, but you’re also literally at a loss for words.
I wish I wasn’t depressed. I wish I could look at myself and think that it was something to care about. I wish I could see my entire body as anything but a disgusting disappointment. I wish I could be cisgender. I wish it would be as easy as just being aware of it and go from there. But it’s not. It’s a long process, and no amount of self awareness is going to matter. Because if it did, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
I’ve been to so many doctors and spent so much money on therapy at this point, and all I’ve gotten so far is that I’m depressed. Doctor after doctor keeps telling me that. Time after time, I have to hear my story come out of my mouth, and time and time again, I burst out in tears of misery and depression.
Look. I’m not trying to say that my brother is a cold asshole. I know he means well and that he understands it, and he’s actually been a lot of help to me. For emotional support, for financial support and most of all, to have some normalcy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from the depression, it is that you have to find the people in your life that gives you normalcy. It’s the most valuable thing you can have.
Thank you for reading.
I’ve taken a bit of a break from the podcast app i’m making (Which i might have a name for now) to catch up on podcasts, play some games and stuff. Played a bit of minecraft on the official unofficial StephenPlays server. Don’t know what that means? Check out the video:
So if you want to play some minecraft with me, you can jump in!
The other game i’m playing, and the thing that sparked this blog post, is Pokémon. I’ve played it for about 2 hours or so, and am already loving it. Being able to customize your character’s looks is huge to me, and i’ll tell you why.
Back when i was younger, i used to escape into the world of pokémon. Everyone needs a break from the monotony of life sometimes, but for me, there was more to it. The version i played the most was Pokémon crystal, which was the first game to let you play as a female character. Back then, it was just what i needed to fulfill the urges of being a woman.
Now, playing generation 6, i can say that it feels good to live in normalcy once again. That’s the feeling i get. And it was just what i needed. As of this blog post, i’m still living in a complicated limbo between going full time and staying in “guy mode”. So many you can understand that even small things such as an RPG can mean so much to a trans woman.
I have it really good where i am right now. I’m close t family, i have all the help i can need from various people where i live, i have a steady income, a one year contract with my job (That i may terminate whenever i want to), and i even get some amount of help with my transsexual issues. Yet, i have this yearning to leave. To leave all that makes sense. To leave this seemingly stable life.
Seemingly, that is. I know that when all is said and done, i’m not growing as a person where i currently am. I’m not challenging myself, i’m not living to my full potential. Of course, i’m referring to my transgender issues. I’ve talked alot in the past why i feel that i just can’t be myself where i live right now. I mean, heck.. I’ve gotten all the vibes and “advises” in the world that i can’t even dress the way i want around my mom and dad. And since then, i haven’t done any strides what so ever, to improve myself as a human being.
So what would moving gain? Well, for one, i feel i don’t belong here to begin with. I live in a small town where it’s basically “Think like we do, or get out”. And that involves so many aspects of what i am! I can’t meet like-minded people, or get acceptance. Another reason to move is to grow as a person. I need to get away from everything i’ve gotten used to. From the stone that i’ve chiseled myself into.
Moving would be the major stride toward a change that i so desperately need. This situation is secure in the short run, but not in the long run. Gah.. I sure have been egotistical the past few blogs. But i just can’t express enough how saddening living here is. And i just had to vent a little.
2nd trip to the doctors, shoe-misadventures, dysphoria and telling off a prick alleged transsexual
(Featured picture is of the clinic i go to)
I’ve been trying to write a post as of late, but i’ve been feeling very apathetic as of late. So it’s been difficult to write anything. First things first. I’m glad to say that i finally went back for another meeting with the doctors, about my trans issues. This was about two weeks ago now, so i feel a bit guilty not having written it down. I tried to, earlier, but i just wasn’t happy with what i wrote. Too disjointed and “obligatory postie”.
Shoe-misadventures & Dysphoria
I had fun, and i was glad. It was a very relaxed meeting with a curator type person, who just wanted to know more about my situation and my life. So nothing big this time!
But anyway! That was then, and now is now. My day started pretty good. Had a pretty bad night of constant fatigue (Which is part of anxiety disorder) — I love how just writing about it makes me fatigued. Truly, it’s all in my mind. If only i could just tell my brain to stop being that way! It’s nothing i can’t handle though!
Before going on, i have to point out that my shoes are literally falling apart. So i decided last night that i would have to head to the shoe store, the following day. Which is today. After i had done some chores at home, i finally went out, hopped on my bike, and drove down to town to get some new shoes.
Since it’s Sunday today, hardly any stores were opened (I live in a small town). So i went into one of the only stores that were opened at that time (Around 3pm). Big mistake. I mean.. I have huge difficulties shopping for clothes, being semi-out as a transsexual, presenting male. But to be told they only sold women’s shoes, as if there was nothing there for me to get, was just too much for me. And i feel so horrible on so many levels about feeling this way. None of those levels of feeling-badness involves them as people though. They don’t know, obviously.
But it does make me feel horrible taking it so badly, even though i know why i feel horrible about it. Still, it makes me feel childish, stupid, sick, like crying, depressed and most of all, frustrated! The frustration is the worst thing right now. I can handle the depression somewhat, but the frustration it brings me is unbearable. I feel that it’s only because i am in the way of myself too. Boundaries that i’ve set up for myself, all to not have to confront my parents and have my fragile state of mind shattered.. Today, i feel that i should stop doing that, and start being myself. But it’s not for the best, it’s just a feeling.
Telling off an alleged transsexual
I read an anonymous alleged transsexual write about his/her issues yesterday, and he/she wrote about how in some ways, he/she was happy to not have been born a girl, cause the patriarchy and all that. And i want to say to that person that even if i was born in a country where a female was expected to be raped by the time they get to the age of 13, i would still pick being born a girl. It never even crossed my mind, to be happy about the convinces or the certain privileges of presenting/being male (Not that i subscribe to the school of thought that says that males are more privileged. I’m just saying that even if that were the case).
The nail polish story. Depression over essentially nothing, welcome to my life.
I’ve been feeling very depressed the last two days. All due to my gender dysphoria. I think all transsexuals has at least one story, involving feeling depressed during xmas, and i’m no different. Something as little as removing my nail polish was enough to make me hate myself this time. I wish i could be beyond feeling like that for the most minor things. But i can’t. And hey, at least i’m not alone.
So what’s the story? Well, i removed my nailpolish prior to going to my parents place. And while there, i just started to feel really depressed. You know. Why on earth do i bother? I just feel that everything i do is a lie. I can’t be myself among people i’m supposed to feel comfortable around? What the hell is wrong with me?
I still don’t feel comfortable enough to go full woman yet either. I lack clothing and stuff.
And all this, in tandem with getting gifts, just makes it worse. I decided to just go home instead of staying there, so i skipped all the gifts. Didn’t open them until today actually. Got some guy clothes, of course.. I’d rather not get anything.. But that’s my problem. I feel like a fucking prick for speaking this way. And maybe i am. Probably am. But i can’t help it, and i guess my doctor’s appointment with an expert on transsexuals is some kind of defense, right?
Well, anyway. Long story short. I probably won’t celebrate xmas anymore. I mean, for one, i just can’t get my xmas spirit up anymore, and being among people in that way just isn’t working for me anymore. I can’t handle it. So it’s best that i just remove myself from it.
One piece fandom
On a happier note. I feel much better now. I think the long discussion my brother and i had about one piece did the trick. To think that i still know so much about it even to this day. Oh, and Van Auger was the character with such a funny and awesome name, that i couldn’t think of earlier. Hehe.
I’v been a fan of one piece since almost the beginning. I remember there only being about 3 manga volumes out when i finally got my hands on the first three issues, and i’ve been a fan since. Sure, i haven’t watched it in about three years now. But who can blame me? The series is going on forever. Kind of want it to end.. But you know, i’m still a fan. It’s been long overdue, and i should catch up again. I’m just not much of a wait-a-week-to-watch-next-episode kind of person. I’d rather watch in huge chunks.
Finding my inner videogamer again
I recently got done with Metroid prime. And damn is that a great game. The final boss is a lot of fun, and lets you use all the weapons and skills you’ve learned during the adventure. I know i’m probably in the minority on this, but i’ll take metroid prime over any 2d metroid, any day.
So i feel like i should move onto other games now. Feels great having gotten into the swing of playing more games. What started me and my brother’s discussion on one piece was a game called skies of arcadia. Which is what i think i’ll play soon. I’ve completed it before, and watched my brother played it to the end two times. So i’m a big fan of it. It involves sky pirates, and it’s an old school, unique RPG. So all the stars are aligned for a great experience, and it sure as hell is.
I have the gamecube port of the game.
Then i guess i will be tackling psychonauts too. My brother got it for me three days ago. Little has to be said about it, i think. I’ll just let the trailer for it do the talking for me.
And that’s about it. Kind of a lacking post, and it’s not the karma post or anything. But i guess i had to get it out of my system. Now, tomorrow, i should be cleaning my apartment, because my big sister who is visiting is going to come over tomorrow.
Imagine feeling exhausted constantly. Couple that with headaches, head
spinning, cold sweating. You can’t concentrate on anything. No matter
what you do, you’ll always feel a numbing sensation. You get sleep
deprevation because of it. Where others might just be able to lay own
and and fall asleep, you simply can’t. You have to adapt a strategy
which will slowly ease you into the right state of mind. That, or
you’ll pass out from pure exhaustion, around 4am to 6am. Either way,
the lack of sleep just makes it worse.
You long to get sick, feel tired to the point where you’re almost
fainting, or so sad that you’re crying, or even depression. Because
then you’ll feel something other than anxiety, and for a moment,
you’ll be calm. You try to do something you like, and no one around
you understands the issue of just sitting down to draw something. To
them, it’s just a simple task, but to you, it’s a huge wall.
Socializing is equally as hard. Your head starts racing and you lose
all the focus, and the conversation comes to a dead halt, where your
body language is telling everyone that you no longer want to be
there.. No.. Where you no longer can be there. You have to go, you
have to leave, you have to run. So long as you can bring back some
amount of balance to your already troubled mind.
I’m trying to be poinient, because even fewer people know what this is
like, and i feel that if i can be as emotional and truthful as
possible, it will convay the message more clearly.
A lot of people will compare our strives, to beauty obssessed people.
“Well, no one’s happy with their looks”. But that’s not the point at
all. I’m not aiming to be happy with my looks per see, but rather, to
be myself. To be the person i am within. To be able to look at myself
in the mirror and see me in it.
There’s really no easy way to explain what can be best summed up with
“I’m a woman trapped inside of a man’s body”. How do i elaborate on
this? I feel that my body is not my own. I feel it doesn’t represent
me. I feel like i live inside of a lie. A lie i want to break free
How do i explain how much it can hurt when someone just calls you a
he. When someone refers to you as a male. I just want to show you my
true self. My body is not my own.
The social aspects of what we’re going through, for those who might
not have realized it, is not very good. My family is relavily
accepting, minus my dad. I still have to go through the very painful
process of having everyone get used to me though, and it can give you
bad thoughts about yourself at times. But in the end, you always have
to think to yourself that at least you’re being yourself. At least
you’re not lying about who you are. Then all those morons who’ll
scream to you in the streets that you’re ugly, or that you suck, or
whatever; can all go fuck themselves. I find beauty in who i am
inside, and i will always stand by who i am, and not live my life
based on what you want me to be. Because that would be a life not
worth living to me.