I’ve been very silent on my blog as of late. Sorry about that. I just don’t know what to really say. I guess Jocelyn, my friend, finally gets to have her name changed, so that’s a big step for her.
As for me, i’m still waiting, and while doing that, i type and type and type on facebook. I very recently changed my name and avatar on there. So i finally get to look the way i want to, and be called what i want to be called. I’m far from going full time though, but at least i’ve done some kind of step, right?
Anyhow.. I wrote this on facebook, and figured i could write something on here, just to have an update. Just a few things i feel are important to point out:
- Disagreeing is wonderful, not horrible.
- An attack on what you believe in is not an attack on you.
- The easiest one to fool is yourself.
- Your groups isn’t perfect.
- Stop playing a victim, even if you are one, it’s better to be strong than to falter at the feet of those who wrongs you.
- The human mind is complex and what she believes is even more so. So we’re all hypocrites in one way or another (sometimes called “Cognitive dissonance”).
- Voting based on tradition, your gut feeling, peer pressure or because it would benifit the people you hang out with socially produces mediocre politicians. Be independent and vote based on reason.
- Curse words are just words.
Promise i’ll do something proper once i get some more news. Just too bummed to really update on here.
I woke up today feeling pretty dysphoric. Still do. It started by reading one of Jocelyn’s facebook updates. And before i say anything else, i should note that it wasn’t solely because of it. I was already feeling pretty bad for some other reasons. Also, i’m really happy for her to have been in that situation. She deserves it, without a doubt. Such a pretty woman. ^w^
But yea.. I read that, and it lingered in my mind for the whole day. I kept thinking “What have i done? Where am i?”, and i got a little frustrated at still not haven gotten a response from the transgender experts (They go by many names, apparently). I know that my anxiety doctor (Because i do not know the names of all the terms) told me that i would be getting a date to come down to them now in April. But still.. I feel horrible presenting as male all the time, and the only time i feel good anymore is when i dress up.
I guess the other thing that has been on my mind as of late is my past. Since i wrote and read about Dani and her game, i’ve been thinking about my experience in games, and i’ve come to.. not realize, but reinforced.. My feelings in the past, about myself, was always that there must have been something wrong with me. And for the longest time, i tried to just ignore myself. But i’ve already written about that quite a number of times, so i won’t go much more into it.
But my thoughts went to my time playing pokémon crystal. One of the best experiences i’ve had, as a child. And i mean, i owned silver and all, but finally being able to pick a girl character was big to me. I got a little obsessed with the game, i suppose. But there isn’t much you can do when it makes you feel so fucking good. Back then, i couldn’t put it to words exactly. Or rather, the way that i externalized it was basically with shyness and hate for myself. Why should a stupid character in a stupid game matter? But it did.
I feel very nervous and hopeful about this month. I can’t wait to finally start my transition. I’m so tired of treading the same ground over and over again.
Anyhow. I wanted to talk a little about my future plans too.
I was thinking of getting a scale or something, so i can finally weigh myself. It’ll probably be slightly depressing at first, but i feel that i need it for my plans. I was thinking this summer, to lose weight. I live very close to a mountain that i always enjoyed walking up, and spring has basically made the entire road to the top bare now. So what better time than now?
I wrote to Jocelyn today, and i had an epiphany while writing. I don’t use this blog to write about my transgender issues anymore. I told as much to her, stating that when writing to her, i get a lot out of my system. Like me breaking the mirror, or feeling particularly dysphoric. It’s true though. I feel worse about myself than i have in quite some time. Like just this morning, when i had a shower. Sometimes, that can be a tough act to do. Especially when you’re in my position, where you can’t even look yourself in the mirror without feeling utter disappointment. That i won’t even dress the way i want to. To be who i am.
It’s not the easiest thing to write about, and it’s always nice to occupy my brain with fiction and escapism.. But i know that will just lead to even more depression. So where do i stand right now? Well, i’ve hyped a meeting i’ll get with some experts to the point where i feel that i will be let down by them.
I feel like kind of a wreck right now, to be honest. Sure, my anxiety problems has been getting much better, and i have been getting some stuff out to a person i see on a week to week basis. So things are happening. I just wish my month long wait to get an answer from the academic institute in upsala (Which is where it’s at) would come to an end. I’m so anxious to get to them and just spill my metaphorical guts at them. But.. In due time. I have to be patient.
In lighter news. Tried out the camera on my phone (filming-wise) today, and i have to say that i really like the quality. The sound seem to pick up pretty nicely too.
Oh, and google accepted a 360 panorama i took of an empty center in my town. Just follow this link Nexus 4 is one of the first google phones to have this feature built in. I must say that it ends up looking pretty good. It’s great software for sure.
I guess that’s all i really want to say right now. I had some more thoughts, but i really gotta get going. It’s almost time for my nightly midnight walks (It’s a little over 10pm at the moment).
In today’s post:
Atheism+ and feminism. Small stuff. Next week. And a good song.
A lot of people have been making a fuzz over this new thing called “A+” lately. I learned today that it’s basically an attempt by a bunch of extreme feminists out there, who want to create a religion soooo badly, to combine atheism and feminism into one defining group. Now.. I don’t need to point out why this is stupid. All i’ll say about it is that it’s antithetical to everything that atheism means, to try to create a atheism group such as this.
I just thought i’d address it quickly. I guess on a side note, i think it would be worth pointing out something me and a few tweeps of mine were talking about in relation to A+ earlier. Namely, extreme feminism like Rebecca Watson and CO. It’s quite amazing that a community that prides itself on being skeptic hasn’t challenged them.. yet.
I mean, let’s be honest. When the last drop finally leaves the chalice of feminism’s free pass, the whole ideology’s gonna get shot down, and no amount of word tossing’s — Such as the one word people are deathly afraid of. Namely, misogyny — gonna save it.
A fucking Sunday.. Nothing’s happened. Sat on twitter to chat a little and learned more about A+. Tried to web design a little. Still thinking quite a bit about transsexuality.
All fairly small things that has happened today. None that i feel like going into right now.
School tomorrow.. Both dreading and looking forward to it. Then on Tuesday, we’ll begin an hour earlier to go to some place, i think. Which will be.. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Three more days until i get to talk to an expert! Can’t wait. One last thing for next week, is to study. That’s pretty important.
In today’s post:
WordPress issues update. A lot of vague transsexual meanderings. Really boring day. Psychiatrist soon. And a new borderlands 2 trailer.
WordPress issues status
It seems the issue has to do with the cache and/or cookies (Quite possibly one of my extensions in chrome), because it works just fine when i go into incognito mode, which “leaves no trace behind”. Meaning that extensions don’t work, and nothing on the client side is saved. So yea.. I’ll see if i will just flush the cache and cookies tomorrow.
I’ve started to wear bras everyday now, cause i’m getting tired of not dressing the way i’d like. So i guess it’s a good compromise.. Really wish i could just cut the bullshit and start being myself though. But as explained before, i can’t yet.
Been thinking a lot about my transsexuality today. I mean, i feel very sure about myself, and it’s what i want to do. I want to do the surgery and the transition, and become more physically female. I feel that would reflect me better and i think in the long run, it would make me feel better about myself, to put it bluntly.
As soon as i get my own place, my physical health will be the first order of business. I want to be more fit. But i’m sure that’ll come with basically getting my life back.
Lastly, i’ve been chatting with a friend of mine, who’s also starting her transition from male to female. We discussed a few things. One of which being the song i linked a few days ago. Skin, by Machinae supremacy. Another being the LGBT community. Personally, i have some issues identifying with it, due to me not being a team type of person.
I feel like i could go into more detail and that i want to say more, but my words escape me at the moment, and i feel that i couldn’t be quite as poignant as i’d like to be.
Other than just thinking about it, i’ve been.. Not doing much! I wanted to play some borderlands, but my brother was busy the whole day apparently. Oh yea! I did play some minecraft tekkit mod on a server. Wasn’t all that fun though. But hey..
That’s basically it. A very boring weekend, thus far.
No plans for tomorrow. Although, on Monday, it’s back to school again. Oh boy. One thing i’m really looking forward to though, is Wednesday. I’l finally get to talk about my transsexuality with someone! Can’t wait! Oh, and Tuesday seems to be some field tripish day? I’m not sure.
Another great borderlands 2 trailer:
I feel a certain pressure to not talk about my transsexual issues with members of my family, because i fear that, if i do, i will split the family.
I could be misremembering, but my mom told me that i shouldn’t dress up the way i want around dad, or any of her siblings. Because they can’t take it, apparently — I live at my parent’s, for those who don’t know.
Mom also said that if dad couldn’t accept it, once i start my physical transition from male to female (Hormones, operations, etc), she would divorce him.
So you can imagine that i have a lot of pressure. Maybe i’m just making things up and just trying to make myself a victim, or whatever. But i feel that me being transsexual is making everyone around me very sad, and has the potential to make people very sad. And i don’t feel that i have the right to make my family sad because of it. Especially considering that i’ve lived at my parent’s, for so long.
That’s why i’m going to try to deal with it myself once i get my own place. I feel no one really understands me either. Obviously, that’s probably mostly due to me being absent in many ways. But like i said, i just don’t think it’s right of me.