I was convinced by a friend, about a week ago, that i should keep my accounts, and a lot of thinking has only strengthen that.
Let me back off and explain myself.
About a week ago, i went to a clinic for people with anxiety and depression. I did it on my own accord, just to get away from everything and to think things through. My mind was racing and i couldn’t control myself that well anymore.
But here i am, about a week later, and i’m feeling much better. A lot of new energy, and a lot of ways to battle the anxiety.
So what now?
Well… I have a list that i will be posting tomorrow. It contains things i want to change about myself. I wrote the list while at the clinic, along with a diary of my stay there. So in the next week or so, i will be posting the diary, daily. Along with the list i wrote.
As for my future plans and what i intend to do with my presence on the internet…
- Twitter – I will unfollow a lot of people who post atheist things. Because how often can you stand hearing “The dance of atheism and religion is like a tree! On one side, it grows freely in the wind, and it sprouts tasty and healthy fruit! But on the other side, it digs deep into the ground, where only darkness exists, and only the worms can hear you.”. That gets tiring! Very quickly!
Other accounts i will stop following include people who post what i consider negative content. I just don’t want to hear it.. And i’ll unfollow a bunch of other people too, no doubt! But if you’re a cool person who has interacted with me a lot, you should know that i won’t be unfollowing you!
- Tumblr – Same like twitter. Some accounts will be unfollowed. But i’ll keep it mostly unchanged.
- Youtube – I will start making videos. I’ve told myself to do it enough times now.
- Deviantart – Will be keeping it
So there. Those are some changes i will be doing right now. But expect some other changes in the future! I’ve got a lot i wanna change!
Today, my blog turns one year. So let’s summerise the state of my blog, and what has happened during this first year, and let’s give some thank yous to people.
- I’ve managed to accrue 101 followers in one year. Which i think is really good.
- I get about 20 views or more a day depending whether or not i wrote a post, and what day it is. But generally, it’s a little over 20 views daily.
- I get about 2 likes a post. Sometimes none, sometimes 4.
- Most comments, i get on my twitter. Which is now up to 280 followers.
- My most viewed post has gotten over 480 views, and is about milotic as a transgender symbol. Which initially made my friend, Jocelyn, whom i talk a a lot about, angry. But i think overall, it strengthened our friendship. She came to her senses the next day.
- I’ve gone from posting daily to writing once or twice a week.
- I’ve gone from not having anything in terms of plans, to having an internship (Which the people at my job are very grateful for, i’ve been told), a psychiatrist my own flat; i’ve gotten to the doorstep of meeting with an expert on transsexuals, i can now handle my anxiety much better and i’m going to get a work psychiatrist later on too. So a lot of help.
- And i’ve started to get more into the transsexual community. Both on reddit and everywhere else.
Those are the ones i can think of right now. The major ones.
I think my blog has been very important to me, and i’m really happy that so many people would care to read what i have to say. For that, i am truly thankful.
My predictions for next year will be that i have started my transition. That’s a major one. Then i would like to go full time as a woman. I’d like to have moved out. Preferably Göteborg. The largest city in the south of Sweden (Where my big sister lives). And that’s about all i can really hope for. Who knows what life is going to bring.
Once again. Thanks to anyone who has ever read my blog, and thanks for all the twitter comments. You’re all great! ❤
I wrote to Jocelyn today, and i had an epiphany while writing. I don’t use this blog to write about my transgender issues anymore. I told as much to her, stating that when writing to her, i get a lot out of my system. Like me breaking the mirror, or feeling particularly dysphoric. It’s true though. I feel worse about myself than i have in quite some time. Like just this morning, when i had a shower. Sometimes, that can be a tough act to do. Especially when you’re in my position, where you can’t even look yourself in the mirror without feeling utter disappointment. That i won’t even dress the way i want to. To be who i am.
It’s not the easiest thing to write about, and it’s always nice to occupy my brain with fiction and escapism.. But i know that will just lead to even more depression. So where do i stand right now? Well, i’ve hyped a meeting i’ll get with some experts to the point where i feel that i will be let down by them.
I feel like kind of a wreck right now, to be honest. Sure, my anxiety problems has been getting much better, and i have been getting some stuff out to a person i see on a week to week basis. So things are happening. I just wish my month long wait to get an answer from the academic institute in upsala (Which is where it’s at) would come to an end. I’m so anxious to get to them and just spill my metaphorical guts at them. But.. In due time. I have to be patient.
In lighter news. Tried out the camera on my phone (filming-wise) today, and i have to say that i really like the quality. The sound seem to pick up pretty nicely too.
Oh, and google accepted a 360 panorama i took of an empty center in my town. Just follow this link Nexus 4 is one of the first google phones to have this feature built in. I must say that it ends up looking pretty good. It’s great software for sure.
I guess that’s all i really want to say right now. I had some more thoughts, but i really gotta get going. It’s almost time for my nightly midnight walks (It’s a little over 10pm at the moment).
So i made the skies of arcadia post and now the Swede privileges post. Not too happy about either. I feel that i could have written them so much better, to be honest. But hey, it’s great to get my ideas and feelings out.
Still haven’t heard from the transsexual expert yet.. Kind of losing hope about that. Atop of that, i got all depressed at reading other transgender people going through their life. I get that sometimes. I wanted to congratulate Jocelyn on all her success, but i just couldn’t bare to read about her new updates. She’s 4 months in now. Which is awesome and all. But it makes me feel left out and down right depressed for not making more progress. I don’t even know how i’m gonna go about it. I hope seeing the expert will prove enlightening.
Been feeling better with my stress as of late, so that’s good. Finally been able to get a good situation going. I’m not doing work training (It’s something i could get into with the social programs and with some help from my aunt, whom i’ve mentioned a few times in the past) Tuesday and Thursday, from 1pm to 3pm. Getting a lot of time with people in general, and a lot of exercise.
But.. Like most people with anxiety disorder will tell you, i don’t want to talk about it too much. Jinxing and all that..
So yea.. Recorded my voice for the first time a few days ago. Lost the recording though. I really feel like starting making videos. Get things off my chest.
And that’s about all i had to say. Take care.
Someone i would call a really cool person has left twitter now.. and it got me thinking about stuff. I’ve always had a fascination for the romance of moving on.
I could go on with the songs.. I mean, heck, a lot of the looptroop songs are about moving on and flying away. And i just don’t like the romantic version of it either, i also like traveling and moving on. It eases my troubled mind and calms my restless soul.
But yes. Vonnie was what made me feel this way this time (the cool person), and to be honest, she isn’t the first one to leave twitter, of all the cool people.
I’m just gonna get to the point. I’m thinking of leaving twitter too. At least for the time being. I feel that i’ve done my fair share of things on there, and quite frankly, i’m tired of all the same same things people say on there. Oh, you don’t like God Rickey, and like, ½ the people i follow. Great. That’s awesome. I don’t either. But really now. And i don’t blame the people who say the same thing all the time for me wanting to leave. I mean, i say the same things all the time too.
The only reason i want to leave is to move on. I want to start the youtube thing i was talking about a few months ago, and that i promised myself i would do once i moved out. And.. Yes, i see no reason not to try it. And if that works out for me, i might create a new twitter for that account. So instead of being someone followed by a narrow set of people on twitter, i could be someone that people follow because they like my videos. You know, be followed for my own merits. If that makes any sense.
I want to make that video about my past, and finally get some closure to that part of my life. To finally seal it. Well, i have my big PC right next to me, so i should try that “put your harddrive in the fridge to make it temporarily accessible”, so that i can get my files on there, and do the video properly. Sure, i will be able to do it anyway, but with the files on that disk, it could be better.
But yes. To do grander things, to put more time into something that could grow faster, something i could feel more proud of. I think the model i will go with is a mainly let’s play channel, but with some personal and random videos attached. Feels more natural that way.
Now is the time to take the change in my life seriously, and devote myself to it. The time has come. Finally time to bring that closure that i’ve been wanting to do for years now. Leave all that emotional baggage behind, and finally look forward.
So good bye, Vonnie, all the cool people of twitter who has left and all my followers on twitter.
I’ll always be on wordpress though. So this is just a good bye i will say to my twitter folks who might be reading this.
I’ll be leaving sometime in the near future. So in case anyone cares, they could contact me on there for the last time.
Some quick info and blog stuff
I’ve been feeling very bloggy as of late. I just want to write, and i feel that i have enough to say to make this a somewhat sizable post.
First things first, i’d like all my transgendered followers to link me to their wordpress, twitter or anywhere else, because i would like to follow you. You know, to get to know some more sisters and brothers in arms out there. Second of all. And if you’re not transgender, you could link me your blog anywhere, and i’ll check it out. I’d like to get more active and stuff, so i’ll probably end up following everyone.
Observing bigotry. Observer not being observant. Blind observer.
Anyhow. What’s up with the Observer? Apparently, according to a blog post i read this morning, and according to a few people i tweeted, the observer (Which is a supposed left-wing high ranking magazine in England) had commissioned a feminist bigot who felt it necessary to spew her bigotry all over the place, in the form of an article. It apparently had some really vile and nasty stuff in there about how transsexuals are just.. How did she phrase it, “men in bad wigs” or something to that effect. That’s the only thing i remember hearing though. Though, if the people who got riled up about this feminist is anything to go by, that was small stuff.
Like i said, i didn’t really read it, and i only have other people’s blog posts to go by, so this won’t end up a very informative post about that thing, but i got a bit emotional about a supposed left-wing paper writing bigoted stuff, and felt that i should share my opinion anyway. Good thing is that they apologized for commissioning such a bigot. And the bad thing is that a lot of leftists agreed with the bigotry.
I guess i could sit here all day and tell the bigots that their bigotry is no better than that of a Nazi . In fact, i’d argue that they’re more ignorant than Nazis. I mean, it should be more expected of people in this day and age to be more well versed in history, and especially the history of human bigotry. Didn’t have as much information about that stuff back in the days of the Nazis.
But anyway. They’re just gonna say that “it’s not the same”, just like Nazis do, like racists do, like homophobes do, etc. The thing about the bigoted is that logic just doesn’t work on them.
So… TL;DR: BLUBLU BLA BLA BLA! DUR!1one
Small life updates
On an unrelated note. I’ve been playing a lot of borderlands 2 with my brother as of late. We’re about done with “true vaulthunter” mode now. I don’t know, it’s just been so much fun. I can’t get enough of it. On a side, i have been completing all the normal difficulty missions (To get an achievement, and to learn as much as i can about borderlands lore). Not much else to say about it. I might write a review later, and talk a little about a certain plot hole. It’ll be my final borderlands 2 post. Out of.. What.. 7 or so now?
This is what initially sparked me to make a new post. I’m down to my last pill. The last sleeping/anti-depressant pill. After this, my body’s gonna have to get used to getting sleepy of its own. Which i think it’s more than ready to do. So it’ll be exciting for sure. I’ve been taking them for about 90 days now, so i have to say that it’ll be nice to try without now.
Speaking of depression. Still no word from the Swedish medical academy, and no word from the people here either. So no updates on my transgender issues so far. One thing though.. I still don’t think my aunt knows about my issues, so when she’s coming along to a visits about my anxiety with the doctor here, i guess she’s just gonna have to know. She’s been a lot of help to me, so i hope it won’t bother her too much. Kinda need her help, so… Yea..
That’s about it for now, everyone. I hope to hear from some people, and maybe get to follow some too.
Happy new year everyone, and welcome to 2013. A lot of progress was made by not only me, but a lot of people i know as well. It seem to have been a successful year all around.
So, what did i accomplish this year? I started this blog around the end of April, and am now getting a regular 10 to 15 views per day. Which is pretty great, and i’m very thankful for that. To think that there are enough interesting things on here to garner even 1 view per day. I took my first steps towards gender reassignment, and am now waiting for an expert on the subject to contact me. I got a lot of twitter followers. Around 270 right now. And learned a lot about everything.
I hope to write more specific and in depth pieces in 2013 (I’ll actually write one right after this post actually) and not just focus on transsexualism. And maybe next year, i’ll be able to get 1000 views a month, instead of now where i get about 400 or more views a month. I gotta tell you, it’s fun watching those numbers get higher.
I’m happy for everyone who’s made a lot of progress this year, and let’s hope next year will be just as successful, if not more so. And a huge thank you to anyone who’s taken the time to check out my blog.