Tag Archive | anxiety

Finding the answers – part 8 – final!

–Day 8

Waiting for someone to come and tell me that it’s time to see the head doctor.
They said I would most likely be able to see him. But I won’t know until a little later. I’m just gonna tell him that i want to go home. Tired of being here. Tired of the strict rules and I wanna apply what I’ve learned.

I really hope I won’t have to wait until tomorrow, just to go home.

Sweet. I got a time!!
Hopefully, he won’t try to make me stay here. I feel that I’m done. That’s all. So.. In 20 minutes!

It’s passed 11 now.. Gah, I hope he’ll show up. I don’t want to stay here any longer!

Yes… Still waiting!

I am now free as a bird, and it feels awesome. Bad thing is that the train I was supposed to have gone on, got replaced by a bus. Good part is that I get a free trip. Like… Free free. Unless someone is standing at the station in söderhamn (which is where I’m making a short stop), I got off scott free.

Already half way there. I’m doing pretty good.

I’m amazed at how well this is going.

Can’t believe I managed to go the whole trip without getting all anxious. I’m already on my way to becoming whole again.

And with that, I am home. Thus concludes this diary… I don’t know how to close it any other way than that.





And that’s that.
I’ve probably accidentally posted the same picture twice, but I know that I’ve posted all of the ones I took.

So that’s my little trip to Hudiksvall hospital for the depressed and anxious. Hope you enjoyed reading.


Finding the answers – part 7 – skin

–Day 7

Just had a short meeting with someone about “my plans”. It’s an obligatory thing all of the nurses on the clinic has to go through with their patients.
I told her that I was pretty happy with the help I have gotten. 1) getting away from everything to get a new perspective. 2) to be able to interact with people more.
So I said I was ready to go home. She didn’t have much to add, since it was just an obligatory thing. We also brushed a little on my transsexuality. I told her about myself.. But anyone reading my diary will know that whole story.

Already Sunday… Not much longer now, and I’ll get to go home.

Just got home from a walk with a woman I’ve been chatting with a lot. Apparently, she’s been having issues with children, her husband, and relationships. All I can say is that I’m happy to not be in a relationship right now. It just seems like a chore

I listened to a song called “skin” by machinae supremacy. Ever since a friend told me that it reminded her of transsexuals, I checked it out, and i  loved it.. Cause it’s so sad.
So now I’m in a somber mood.

Damn.. That talk with that woman I mentioned earlier was very optionally draining. Such a downer. I can’t even imagine what she must go through.

I was really enjoying fall, but now the last efforts of summer has taken a hold of the town. So that sucks!

To be honest, my gender issues is weighing down on me. It’s time I become more open about it to my mom too. As hard as it is to talk about it… What’s the song say.. “You need to cause a storm to change how you are within”. To paraphrase “skin”.

I might be able to come home tomorrow.

Finding the answers – part6 – where is that sky scraper going?

–Day 6

Managed to have a pretty long dialog with someone. I consider it a success

Met my “go to nurse” earlier. Not entirely sure what she does that no one else does. But she’s who was assigned to me, a title like that.
I told her I was feeling much better and that I can’t wait to get home.

There. Done some downloading now. Got some videos to watch later.

Been thinking some more about my transsexuality. There’s a phrase in a song where he sings “poor him who carries a sky scraper on his shoulders! What is it that you don’t want others to see that everyone hasn’t already seen, and where is that sky scraper going?”
I need to throw away the sky scraper!

When I was younger, people used to tell me that I was in my own world, from time to time. I used to let my mind drift and lose focus. Lost in day dreams, as they say. I think I need to do more of that.

Maybe meditation is the new “zoning out” for me though. Because it always makes me feel better. Had a 20 minute session earlier.

Had a talk with the man from Iraq. He told me more about why he’s here and what he’s been through. Just like all Christian Iraquies, he’s had a life of persecution and imprisonment. His wife and daughter died by a suicide bomber. Over 200 people died in a church that day..
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.
Luckily, Sweden is open to a lot of people who needs the help.

Speaking of immigration. I’ve seen a lot of beggars with roses lately. Mostly women who try to use the gift of a rose and fake kindness to win you over, so that you’ll give them some money.. Yeah, my good will seizes completely when I’m being manipulated. I know they must be desperate, but come on.

Let’s talk a little about this clinic I’m staying in. I’ve had a really good experience so far. But I do have some complaints.
For one, I don’t get why I can’t be in someone else’s room. We’re all people here.. I don’t know. It seems that some rules are arbitrary. I can understand not being allowed to have cables lying around (because someone suicidal could snatch it and kill themselves… At least that’s what the nurses are saying. The rule came in place due to it happening a lot), but some things just seem dehumanizing.

I probably won’t be 100%ing Luigi’s mansion 2. Too hard and time consuming.
I decided to play some Mario 3d land instead.
I love my 3ds! Wish Majora’s mask would be released soon, though.

Just watched a vsauce3 video about what we see in the dark, and it turns out seeing strange patterns in the dark is normal. I always thought it was because my eyes were damaged in some way. And I don’t seek out the whys and ifs of anything the body does.
Strangely relieving to know.

Talking to people and meditating are key things to take away from this. Getting out of your comfort zone.
I feel so good just interacting. It makes me feel both stressed and exhilarated. I feel the stress will subside eventually.

I think I’ve found what is missing, and what I’m doing wrong. The answer was always there, but it’s more clear to me now than ever!

I can easily say that today was a huge success.
Had a longer talk with one of the women on the clinic, and I’ve been able to keep my stress at bay. Fantastic!

I opened up Facebook very briefly, to find that one of my tranny friends (it’s an endearing term we use) went to buy some wine using her new ID with her new name on it. And it went well with no hassles. I don’t know.. That made me so happy to hear!


The locksmith I borrowed WiFi from.



Finding the answers – part 5 – Beyond the sea

–Day 5
It’s almost been a week already?
Well. I came here on Monday. So more like, 4 and a half. But sementaics-shmantics.

Had a good night. I think not eating before going to bed is really important.

Gonna keep my phone on Charging for a while, and then go outside to download some podcasts and YouTube videos.

Downloading some videos now. I find it ironic that a lock and security firm would have an open internet. I wonder if they know… They have to, right?

The harbor area is without a doubt the coolest place. I can’t believe how cool these old building and inner gardens (in pictures) are.

I should start writing more with a pen. Maybe use my left hand more. I always wanted to write mathematical formulas more. I should take some time to brush up on my math.

Tried to start 100% Luigi’s mansion 2, but it’s too hard. Might just start some Mario 3d land again. Haven’t played it since I got it. Awesome game though.

So… What I’ll do with issues is…. I can look at it this way. Either do something about it, or come to a conclusion. But be open about things, when new information is presented.

I chatted up a woman about an hour ago, and it turns out we both love rock, and music in general. I mean, we all love music, but rarely do you find someone who really love it.

Someone on twitter just called me a feminist. She did a #ff on me. I’m OK with being called that. I’m one of those who clings to an ideal until it really dies, and I think there still are feminists out there. Actual feminists. People who focus on gender equality. This excludes the neo feminists, that you see on tumblr, freethoughtblogs, skepchick and atheism+ forums.

I should start making extensive #ff on twitter. #ff stands for “follow Friday”. Maybe I’ll do it in blog form. Not sure it warrants a video. But totally a 200 word or less blog post, with links to material and videos. Sounds like it would be fun!

Oh, and I should note that that empty feeling I get sometimes, is quenched once I get a conversation going with someone. Totally going to be chattier from now on.

*more hobby time, calculate & think things through and more conversations with people.

I wrote down that I should care more about appearance.. This means dressing the way I want. Embracing my true self.

Not many entries today. What can I say?
It’s been a warm week overall, and this is probably the last warm weekend we’ll have until spring. A lot of people in town, celebrating and having a good old autumn market festival.

I chatted up a really nice woman (an hour ago) who comes from the same town as me. It was pleasant.

Anyhow. I’m gonna put my phone on charge and play some super Mario 3d land. Then I’ll chat with some people, do some meditation after that, have a nightly meal… Surf some reddit.

Of course. The headphones had to break now. Because… Why not? Gah, this is so annoying. I can’t go change them until I get home. Only the left works now………. So annoying. And it’s so random too. How does that even work? How does a cable so that? Is the copper in the headphones THAT fucking thin?????? I do not get it!

Yeah. I’m buying new ones tomorrow. I’m not going to deal with this frustration just because of some broken headphones. So annoying though. So very annoying.

I had a chat with a woman. I think she needed it. She’s got a lot of reasons to be depressed.

All of these people, and all I have is stress issues.








Finding the answers – part 4 – thinking of stress

–Day 4

Currently outside, snitching some WiFi from some place.
Had a good sleep last night. I feel that I’ve learned a lot about my sleep while staying here. For one, I will stop eating breakfast directly after lunch, I will take a nightly walk about an hour earlier than before.

.. And I will not be sleeping with the TV on anymore. The computer will be turned off at night.

Exploring the outskirts of town now. Found a nice bench — on a forest path — to sit on.
Been thinking about my stress. I need to be able to tell myself that it’s all OK, and that nothing’s bad is gonna happen. I also don’t need to go anywhere. I am here now, and that’s that.
Yet, this eerie feeling is looming over me. A feeling of helplessness and fear. I should request to talk to someone once I get home, maybe.

I’ve lived like this for so long, that it becomes a big difficulty to just be happy. How I wish things could be easier.
Perhaps it all comes from a feeling of failure? I think everything’s gonna go to shit, just because I failed to be sociable, that one time today. I wrote down that I need to be able to handle downfalls better.

I’m going to socialize as soon as i get back, to see if I’ll feel better.

It seems to have helped. Currently trying to meditate.

I checked out what asmr is earlier. They talked about it on gamegrumps, of all things.
It’s when someone moves close in on the mic and talks in a very soft and quiet voice. Basically Bob Ross. Who, by the way, I should check out later. I wanna watch some videos where he paints. Only watched one in the past. I loved it!

Oh, and meditation is helping, but it’s slow. I can remain focus for about a minute, and I can remain in a session for about 15 minutes.

People often complain about hospital and school food.. I’m not one of them. I think it tastes awesome, to put it in general and blunt terms.

So now it’s time go outside, then Luigi’s mansion, then some video(s) and maybe some meditating.
I still need to address the big elephant in the room. My transsexuality.
I need to make an executive (I’m fancy with my fancy words) decision about me dressing the way I want. It will be done tonight.

Outside walking again. Based on a few signs I’ve seen here and there, people in this town seem very proud about their dialect/slang. You’ll see things like “körv”. If I find a sign or something that says “oshan” or something, I will take a picture.

I love puzzles. I wrote it down on my list. Totally buying some 1,000s and 2,000s, to start off.

Finished Luigi’s mansion 2. What an excellent game. From start to finish. I loved exploring the very detailed areas in the game. Always played with the 3d on. The Luigi’s mansion games were made for 3d at the very start. And it showed. Gah… I’ll miss my time in that game.
Been thinking of doing some gem and boo hunting though. Maybe 100% it. I probably will.

The meditation session about my transsexuality got put on hold due to fitting my time with the lunch and “walk” times (they force you stay inside after 7pm).

Tomorrow, I will explore the harbor some more. Gotta love that nice sea breeze.
A new episode of Sjin’s “feed the world” series got released too. So I’ll probably take my pills, watch his video, browse some reddit and twitter, and then fall asleep.

I haven’t been on Facebook in days now. And I won’t be visiting it until o get home either.

A nurse/doctor told me that wanting to go home is a good sign of recovery. Feels good.




Finding the answers – part 3 – in it for the long haul

–Day 3

Had a meeting with the head doctor again. An expected meeting. We talked more about what I’m getting out of being here, and how they could cooperate with me. I said what I’ve been saying in this diary (if you need to know, just read previous entries). And it ended up with them giving me free range of being able to go outside whenever I like (fuck yeeees) and giving me an assignment for next Tuesday: write down the habits and behavior that you wish to change. I’ve already done a little of that, but I suppose I should compile it all in a separate file.

Anyhow. I’m outside writing this. Ton a head to the store to buy some things, and hopefully get back in time for dinner.

Feeling much better already. Not just because I can go outside, buy also because I can manage social interactions much better.

I don’t get to see the head doctor for another 6 days. So I know for a fact I’m staying until then.

I’m inside again now. Feels good after a walk. I thought about remembering to breathe with my stomach, when I’m in social situations.. I will hone this skill.

Got some goodies to eat after lunch too. Which is in about 10 minutes.

Apparently, Obama is in Sweden. Oh-boy… I wish we didn’t have to do diplomacy with such a horrible human being. But oh well. I’m far from that event. And this is something I need to work on. Don’t get upset about it. Think it through instead, and rationalize.

Luigi’s mansion 2 is too much fun!
Brb, playing!

Done with Luigi’s mansion 2 for now. Just got to world 3, which seems to be western/cliff/desert. I just love that. It takes the clichés and tropes of the typical game, and adds a haunted trope to it. I could see the mixing of tried and true concepts take off. I mean, how can you not like a haunted tree house, a haunted manor, etc.
Needless to say. Fantastic game so far. It’s even made me laugh a few times.

I have written down a few things on that list I talked about too.
Part of what’s on that list. Of what I’ve figured out, is that I can’t delete my twitter or WordPress account. So now I’ve convinced myself and been convinced by others.

Gonna explore town for an hour before lunch.

Been playing a lot of Luigi’s mansion. I always seem to forget the therapeutic effect a good game has. To the list of hobbies I need to do more, games is one of them.
By the way. Luigi’s mansion 2 is amazing. I think I like it more than the first. Although, the first will always have a special place in my heart.

I asked about how much this would cost, and they said it’s about 80 sek a day. Which will add to about 800 sek once next Tuesday comes around. I have a feeling this can be covered by social security, but to be honest, if I keep making this amount of progress, I will be able to leave on Tuesday.
It will be sweet to purge my life at home, from the bad influences, and to start, in earnest, to change my life around.

I have to admit that my feelings are kind of mixed. On one hand, I love the change and the ability to recuperate; but I miss seeing family, and my job.

I’ve been really chatty today. I love getting to know people. That’s such an exciting thing for me. I must add that to the list of things I need to do more. Because I’m a people person, but I’ve been held off by my anxiety. No more!! Totally going to chat up my work mates once I get home.

I played some more Luigi’s mansion 2, and now I’m gonna reddit a little and go to bed.
I can easily say that Luigi’s mansion 2 rekindled my love for games.



Finding the answers – part 2 – Luigi’s meditation

–Day 2

I like traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people; I love laughing, watching stand ups, sketch shows, and comedy.
I need to indulge in these urges more often. I think my negative thoughts about my future is because I’m staying in the same place. Knowing what I know all the time… I’d like yo call it “bondsjuka” (farmer sickness).

Had a talk with a head doctor at the clinic I’m staying in. He changed my status from a 3 to the lowest (I think). So I’ll get to go out for the first time today.

I kind of like having these inhibitions. It forces me to take the stress head on, rather than running from it.

Everyone at this clinic is nice. Very good people.

Been meditating a lot.

Just had dinner. It’s funny, as a rule, on this clinic doesn’t allow chargers (because, I guess some people used them to take their lives?), but they allow tooth picks.. Sharp, stabby toothpicks.
I have to ask them to open a door where “valuables” are to charge things. My 3ds is currently being charged in that room.
Been playing some Luigi’s mansion 2. Really fun so far.
Ah… If only i was allowed yo have my chatger. But oh well.. Rules is rules. It’s for the safety of those who would get the idea of killing themselves with my charger, so it’s more than understandable.

I have to ask the person I’m taking a walk with, what my current status on this clinic is (you know.. I was talking about “from a 3” earlier)

It feels really nice not having to care anymore. I need to carry this attitude further in my life. Live for the moment, just have fun and relax.

I guess I should think more about what makes me stressed out.
Trudging the same spot over and over again…
I get stressed when conversing with people..

Let’s talk about that. I seem to be unable to get my brain to stay at a consistent level. It’s either max or min.. How do I rectify this? Well.. Brining it to light is one step. And maybe I need to practice calmness in the presence of others. Maybe then my anxiousness would subside a lot, and I won’t have to always worry about waiting..?

But how do I do that? It really does boil down to me having to be myself. So I guess that, once I get back from this place, I need to dress better. Get some unisex clothes (because I love that) and wear some dresses, god damn.

When I get home, I’m going to do a lot of clean up. Gonna remove a few people I’m following on WordPress, a lot of people I’m following on twitter.. Mainly because I want my timeline to cater to what I want to hear. Which is not a bunch of atheists talking about how god isn’t real.
I’m going to start vlogging. It’s about time I fulfill that promise I made myself, so very long ago.
There are many other things I will do once I get home too.. Speaking of. I left my computer on. Bloody hell! (Although, that thing is on all the time anyway, so whatever)

I am me.. I like to identify as a woman, but one major thing I need to stop doing is to try to live by someone else’s standard of what a woman is. It’s time I start being me!

Another good thing this trip is doing for me is to take me off sugar. I’ll admit, I’ve been eating far too much of it.

Met a really nice guy who I share a lot in common with. We talked about science, series, life and the world. You know, all those overearnest things anyone in our age is more than happy to discuss.
Hard to think I met someone younger than me. And like with most, someone with more severe problems than mine.
His issue is that he’s got aspergers and he thinks he needs ADHD medicine. Only problem is that people with aspergers aren’t treated seriously. I hope it’ll go well for him.

There’s a plum tree outside of the clinic. Tasted a plum… Not prime for eating yet. Not ripe.. Let’s just say.. Some of the higher up ones seem eatable though.

Aside from the personal, there are some very interesting people here. Been chatting it up with a few. Someone has back problems, and is running a risk of getting paralyzed. Alot of them who are around my age has severe depression, and has attempted suicide.
Again. I submit that my issues are minor. I wonder if I’m telling myself that just to get happier with my own condition?
Either way, it always feels good to know that I’m not alone in this.

I got a fantastic view from my room. The picture I took doesn’t do it justice, but at least it’s a memento.
The whole city is in my view. Reminds me about back in the day when I lived in a town called “kramfors”. Had a similar view there. That was the first and only time I had seen the full moon light up an entire lake, at midnight. Completely white.. I hope I will get to see that some day again. Maybe not tonight, or even in this town. But one day.

Going to play some Luigi’s mansion 2 before bed. Amazing game. Such a pure gaming experience.

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