You’re asking me to not be depressed
Earlier today, I went to my parent’s house with my big brother. It’s something we do a lot, and it doesn’t really have much to do with the story.
While there, we got into a discussion – me, my mom and mg brother – about biting finger nails and peeling fingers and all that. And my brother said that he had noticed that all my fingers were kind of peeled.
I said “yeah, it’s pretty much because of stress”. To which he replied that I shouldn’t do it anymore and be aware that I’m doing it. Implying that I don’t know.
Well, I do know. I know it very well! But I just can’t be bothered. At all.
To that, he replied that I should start to care. To which I replied that I’ve been thinking that exact thought for the longest time, and that I’m very well aware of it all.
But once again, I just can’t. But he made it sound like it was easy to do. Just do it.
If you’re like me, and you have a lot of depression in your life, you know how frustrating it is to not be able to express just how horrible depression is. And if you’re even more like me, you hesitate to even say anything, because the word “depressed” is being tossed around so much these days, that it has kind of lost all meaning. So not only are you at a loss for words, but you’re also literally at a loss for words.
I wish I wasn’t depressed. I wish I could look at myself and think that it was something to care about. I wish I could see my entire body as anything but a disgusting disappointment. I wish I could be cisgender. I wish it would be as easy as just being aware of it and go from there. But it’s not. It’s a long process, and no amount of self awareness is going to matter. Because if it did, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
I’ve been to so many doctors and spent so much money on therapy at this point, and all I’ve gotten so far is that I’m depressed. Doctor after doctor keeps telling me that. Time after time, I have to hear my story come out of my mouth, and time and time again, I burst out in tears of misery and depression.
Look. I’m not trying to say that my brother is a cold asshole. I know he means well and that he understands it, and he’s actually been a lot of help to me. For emotional support, for financial support and most of all, to have some normalcy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from the depression, it is that you have to find the people in your life that gives you normalcy. It’s the most valuable thing you can have.
Thank you for reading.