It was.. Ok..

I felt a sense of apathy as i left the clinic today, and i’m not sure why.

Lately, i’ve been thinking about a future for me, and to put it simply. I don’t feel very confident that i can live as a woman. Maybe it’s an evil circle? Because i feel i have no emotional support because i only feel shame about me being transgender. And that shame makes me not want to be truly open about it..
Oh, god damn it! I don’t know why i’m even thinking so much on this! I was raised to be myself at all cost, so why can’t i just do that? Don’t think about it! Don’t spend blog post after blog post going through this, time and time again! For one, it’s not fair to the readers who might be tired of the same old shit over and over again, but more importantly, all i’m doing is treading old ground! I’m not actually helping anything by being this introverted..

Let’s talk about that! I’ve had a fear for my introversion for many years, and i think this is exactly why. Introversion is good to an extent, but if you’re like me, and you’re prone to being introverted, you know how horrible it can be. It forces you face off with your demons if you’re not careful! And i know that can be good sometimes. But in my case, not really. Because i know where i need to go. I’m not really lost per se. So a fight with my demons would only make me “confirm” irrational fears i have about the path i’m going.

I’m sure this all sounds like nonsense to anyone who isn’t really introverted. Am i insane? Am i extending the metaphor a little too much?
About that feeling of apathy! It’s just me thinking too much once again. Those are my true feelings on the matter. I tend to do this a little too much!

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About Get a Grip

Code monkey. Opinionated.

6 responses to “It was.. Ok..”

  1. Kira says :

    ((((Hugs))))

  2. annamagda4christ says :

    You’re not crazy! I’m going through similar thoughts on a daily basis. And I’ve also been afraid of my own propensity to be introverted. I’ve always wondered if that part of me would change if I transition – if I’m mostly introverted as a way of coping with gender dysphoria. Sometimes it’s good to think deeply about problems that need to be resolved, but other times the deep thinking can be counterproductive.

    Btw, this article on shame really helped me:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/dealing-with-shame_b_994991.html

    • jennaisme says :

      Thank you for the comment. I’ll check out the link. Sounds interesting.
      And you’re totally right. It is a coping mechanism. That’s been on my mind too. We’ll have to see. First order of business for me is to move out of where I live.

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