Archive | March 2014

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Please Stop Using the N-Word: Why it’s not okay if you’re not black

I agree with your concerns about how freely the word is being used today, and how a lot of people seem to think it’s no big deal to call someone a nigger. But i feel that i need to point a few things out!
For one, it’s ok to say nigger if you’re talking about the word. I mean.. We’re all adult here. We all know what word you mean, so why not just say it if you’re gonna talk about it.
Second of all, i take issue with you saying that they, in specific, are of African descent. We’re all African at the end of the day! That’s the message you should be sharing. That we all come from the same place, and that we’re alike. Maybe that’s not that attitude you had, or what you were going for, but it rubbed me the wrong way when you typed it.
Lastly, i would go a step further and say that no one should use the word so freely. To me, the term has been so tarnished by history, that i think it would be best if no one called anyone a nigger. I know you mentioned that you thought it is ok for “them” (I really hate lumping a group of people together just because of their skin color, but i honestly don’t know how else to say it here) to use it. So we’re just gonna have to disagree on this point.


I’m kind of amazed that I need to write this post– and I mean amazed in the horrified sense, not the good “oh my god, I just won free coffee!” sense.

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Mine’s Jealousy! What’s yours?

This is an issue I’ve been dealing with all my life. For most of it, it’s been a very destructive thing. I’ve ended plenty of friendship due to it. I’ve even gone so far as to shove someone – the closest I’ve ever come to hitting someone – due to jealousy.

My jealousy is always over someone else having the attention, and not me.
These days, when I feel these feelings, I step outside of myself and I see the petty little beast that is my ego and instincts. Such a sad and pathetic little thing.
Why you jumpin’ up and down like that? That ain’t gonna get you anywhere, stupid!

The last few years, I’ve taken that jealousy that converted it into something good. I feel energized. Sure, the same old horrible feeling still persists, but it also fills me with a lot of energy now. It gives me that competitive edge that I’m missing in my life. I feel that I need to work hard or shut the fuck up!
I mean, you honestly think that good things are just gonna happen? That you deserve attention for simply craving it?
No, of course not. If you really want to feel the humble embrace of the crowd, you’ve got to work for it! Nothing is free in life!

I’m a person with a lot of flaws. A person who’s trying to become a better human being.
Anyone else out there who would like to share a flaw with me?

Male privileges.

A trans friend of mine got tired of people saying she used to have “male privileges”.
For those who may be unaware, this is something trans women get told a lot. Strange how you don’t hear it so much for trans men. I guess their logic is that, since they were born girls, they could never have male privileges. But what do I know, I’m not a feminist crying “male privileges”, nor am I a trans man.

It’s a bit troublesome that there are people going around saying this to any trans woman who doesn’t agree with their dogma. The mantra is basically to do anything to silence or illegitimize anyone who opposes them, at any cost. So they go for people’s “weaknesses”.
You’re a trans woman, therefor, your thoughts on women’s issues are to be dismissed, because you were born a man, you fucking freak! You’re a man? Obviously, you don’t know jack about women’s issues for that very reason. Never mind that we’re being really sexist and trans mysoginistic by espousing this. We need to silence dissenters, god damned it!

This is just a reality when you deal with these types of feminists. They’re not really in it for a conversation or argument. They’re here to tell you that you need to obey, and that’s that!

Anyone who ignores someone’s point because of their gender identity, gender, nationality, ethnicity, etc; could be called a bigot.
So that’s why the argument of “male privileges” is logically unsound and just stupid. Because it’s an ad hominem. And that kind of talk has no part in a civil discourse.

You’re asking me to not be depressed

Earlier today, I went to my parent’s house with my big brother. It’s something we do a lot, and it doesn’t really have much to do with the story.
While there, we got into a discussion – me, my mom and mg brother – about biting finger nails and peeling fingers and all that. And my brother said that he had noticed that all my fingers were kind of peeled.
I said “yeah, it’s pretty much because of stress”. To which he replied that I shouldn’t do it anymore and be aware that I’m doing it. Implying that I don’t know.

Well, I do know. I know it very well! But I just can’t be bothered. At all.
To that, he replied that I should start to care. To which I replied that I’ve been thinking that exact thought for the longest time, and that I’m very well aware of it all.
But once again, I just can’t. But he made it sound like it was easy to do. Just do it.

If you’re like me, and you have a lot of depression in your life, you know how frustrating it is to not be able to express just how horrible depression is. And if you’re even more like me, you hesitate to even say anything, because the word “depressed” is being tossed around so much these days, that it has kind of lost all meaning. So not only are you at a loss for words, but you’re also literally at a loss for words.

I wish I wasn’t depressed. I wish I could look at myself and think that it was something to care about. I wish I could see my entire body as anything but a disgusting disappointment. I wish I could be cisgender. I wish it would be as easy as just being aware of it and go from there. But it’s not. It’s a long process, and no amount of self awareness is going to matter. Because if it did, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

I’ve been to so many doctors and spent so much money on therapy at this point, and all I’ve gotten so far is that I’m depressed. Doctor after doctor keeps telling me that. Time after time, I have to hear my story come out of my mouth, and time and time again, I burst out in tears of misery and depression.

Look. I’m not trying to say that my brother is a cold asshole. I know he means well and that he understands it, and he’s actually been a lot of help to me. For emotional support, for financial support and most of all, to have some normalcy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from the depression, it is that you have to find the people in your life that gives you normalcy. It’s the most valuable thing you can have.

Thank you for reading.

It was.. Ok..

I felt a sense of apathy as i left the clinic today, and i’m not sure why.

Lately, i’ve been thinking about a future for me, and to put it simply. I don’t feel very confident that i can live as a woman. Maybe it’s an evil circle? Because i feel i have no emotional support because i only feel shame about me being transgender. And that shame makes me not want to be truly open about it..
Oh, god damn it! I don’t know why i’m even thinking so much on this! I was raised to be myself at all cost, so why can’t i just do that? Don’t think about it! Don’t spend blog post after blog post going through this, time and time again! For one, it’s not fair to the readers who might be tired of the same old shit over and over again, but more importantly, all i’m doing is treading old ground! I’m not actually helping anything by being this introverted..

Let’s talk about that! I’ve had a fear for my introversion for many years, and i think this is exactly why. Introversion is good to an extent, but if you’re like me, and you’re prone to being introverted, you know how horrible it can be. It forces you face off with your demons if you’re not careful! And i know that can be good sometimes. But in my case, not really. Because i know where i need to go. I’m not really lost per se. So a fight with my demons would only make me “confirm” irrational fears i have about the path i’m going.

I’m sure this all sounds like nonsense to anyone who isn’t really introverted. Am i insane? Am i extending the metaphor a little too much?
About that feeling of apathy! It’s just me thinking too much once again. Those are my true feelings on the matter. I tend to do this a little too much!

Excitement building!

You know. In some ways, this month seems to have gone on forever, but in some aspects, it’s come and gone.
I’ve made some great strides in terms of my android app. I completed Pokémon X. All in all, it was a pretty good month.

But now it’s that time again. Where I get nervous and excited at going to Uppsala to meet with my therapists and doctors. The reason why I made this entire blog.

So I’m going to slow down on the programming. Both to mentally prepare, but also because I have some other real life stuff to do too.

One more thing wanted to talk about. I always feel I need to be more topical on this blog. So starting after the 4th (the date I’m going to Uppsala), I’m gonna try to relay to you, the life of a transsexual in my situation. I’ll try to take more pics too. Sounds good?

Podcast app HYPE, Uppsala HYPE!!

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