For those who might be following my twitter or facebook, you might have seen a lot of outrage over the olympic games lately. I meant all of it and i think it’s piss-poor style of people who went to Russia to see the Olympics, and that they should be ashamed. But what i didn’t mean was to be all whiny about it. It’s a part of me that i really need to tone down. Because truth is that no one cares. Not a single person cares about you espousing the same bullshit as every other person in your group.
People want a unique perspective from people like me. Because if they want to hear the same old rants as everybody else does, they’re gonna go to the people who does it the best. People like AlphaOmegaSin! They really don’t need me, because i’m not good at ranting!
So from here on out, i’m going to speak my opinion and make a rational argument for my position, or don’t say anything at all. That’s another thing! I need to stop jumping on every single thing too! Keep things relevant to people who might like what i have to say, and not jump around everywhere.
I have opinions on a lot of things… But maybe most of them are best left with me, and i’ll share whatever i feel really strongly about.. In a reasoned manner.
So that’s it! I’m done! For real this time!
While standing in line at the store today, i decided i would buy some spearmint gum. Me and spearmint has a weird relationship. I quite commonly enjoy myself some sweet mint, and i drink peppermint tea everyday, so it’s not the fact that it’s a mint that’s weird. It’s the taste of spearmint.
I found that i hadn’t chewed spearmint gum in years. I remember when i would first try it out, i was in an even stranger phase in my life where i would take endless walks outside, listening to podcasts. A friend of mine called Darin recommended i’d listen to “Smart videogame fan”, after i had asked him for some recommendations. Back in those days, i would listen to about 5 podcasts.
My first love was Noobtoob. A podcast that no longer exists. Then the second one ever was SVGF, one that i listen to to this day. Third one was AllGenGamers, which is another podcast that continues on to this day.
A lot of days went by where i tried to distance my thoughts from everything that was going on in my mind. I tried different tactics that would help me reconcile my transsexual thoughts once and for all.
After listening to Dream Theater’s “Metropolis part 2”, and loving it, i decided i would try to believe in reincarnation. I wanted to believe that i would be a woman in the next life. There was no way i could keep telling myself that lie though! What evidence do i have that that would be the case? Wishful thinking. Nothing more than that!
I know that the album is about something else, but for me, it will always invoke some transsexual feelings. “Find out who i was at last”, really speaks to me.
Another thing i tried to tell myself was that i just wasn’t a transsexual. I mean. How could that be?? How could i be that? Chances are so astronomically low that i would be. Some random person in the middle of Sweden! No.. That life was some eccentric American’s life (That’s really how i felt about it).
After spending years battling the ever louder person inside of me, who wanted to break out so bad, i finally decided that i would have to walk this path after reading an article about a 16-year old trans girl in Germany.
I would have to start listening to the person inside of me. She was calling me to find her, and i finally listened.
Not too long after that, i decided to tell my parents. It was the end of summer when i decided to go through with it, and the beginning of fall when i told them. Very few people knew about my feelings. But i decided to tell everyone.
Regardless, i have a long way to go. Hopefully, i’m going to reach my goal of starting HRT this spring. It sounded that way on the doctor i talked to a few days ago.
I’ll probably end up wondering to myself why i even bothered closeting myself the way i am right now. Cause i still am kind of ½ way-ish. I’ve written about that many times before, so i won’t say why that is in this post. You could find that out if you wanted to.
It’s funny how one taste can invoke so many feelings.. Not sure i’m going to chew anymore spear mint after i’ve written this post, though. At least not in a very long time. The feelings are quite bad, but mostly melancholy. What was i even fighting? Why did i deny it? Seems to pointless in retrospect.
I just got done crying my eyes out at my therapist’s office.
That’s a huge load off my chest though. I really had to get that out of me, I feel.
So I went there and did yet another valuation. They really need to know for sure. It’s basically the law if you wanna have a paid transition.. A little frustrating, but it seems we’re getting closer and closer for them making the decision. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me nervous.
Hormones will be the first thing I get once the evaluation process is done, and I can not wait!
Two things i want to talk briefly about today.
First of, i’m going to Uppsala this Tuesday. Hopefully, i can bring out some good news on the HRT situation afterwards. But we’ll see. Getting very excited though!
Second thing is that developer blog i was talking about earlier. I started it here. So for anyone who wanted news on the application progress, look no further!