When i was younger, i used to have a horrible habit of self-sabotating for myself. I would do it all the time. Missing parties that would probably have been fun, missing a meeting with a friend, etc.
Sometimes, i wonder if i ever managed to shed that habit. I mean, i don’t do it anymore as far as i know. But last time i missed an appointment with my transgender therapist, my thoughts sort of wandered to that place.. “Am i subconsciously self-sabotaging?”
I mean.. My stress and self-esteem hasn’t exactly gotten better. But at the same time, i feel that i’m not that person anymore. I’m not one to do that. After all, i’ve gotten this far in my transition. I’m mare months away from HRT. No! I’m not that person.
Maybe it’s an exercise in futility to examine yourself while you’re in the situation you’re in. No good analysis comes from doing that. Retrospect has proven to be the far better analytical tool to see what actually went on. And that’s only because you have no real investments in it anymore. It’s become a thing of the past. Which is what i want to leave you off with.
The bad you feel today is not what you’ll feel tomorrow. It might be difficult to understand it now, but time will make it apparent. And when you finally get to that point, make sure that you learn from it.