What do I want?
I missed the train by a few seconds.. Needless to say, I was left feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself. Here I was, waiting for so long, and I blew it.
Somewhere along the lines, I went and got very angry at waiting. It’s the bane of my existence. To have to wait. And that’s the only excuse I have. It’s all on me.
Told my mom not too long ago, and there was something she said that sparked this blog post.
I had told her earlier that the last time I missed the train (due to sleeping over), the therapist called me and asked me if I wanted to go through with it. Of course, I said.
But now, that I missed it again, my mom told me that she was beginning to think that too. And that’s when I thought. “You know.. I’m not so sure I ever started it to begin with”. What I mean by that is that I’m limiting the person that I want to be. I’m not expressing myself in the way I would like. Simply not dressing the way I want puts a huge damper on me as a person, I feel.
So what should I do? What do I want? I feel that, to truly transition, I need to move out of this place. This little town I live in. Because this is the root of all those fears. Fears that I’ve written about in the past, so I won’t reiterate those here. That is the true next step for me, and I’ve complained and wined about it enough.
So do I really want to go through with this, mom? Yes, I do. But I don’t think this incident is an indication of whether or not I want to. Simply staying in this town is.