Archive | November 2013

Dysphoria, small town, close-mindedness.. I’m moving!

I have it really good where i am right now. I’m close t family, i have all the help i can need from various people where i live, i have a steady income, a one year contract with my job (That i may terminate whenever i want to), and i even get some amount of help with my transsexual issues. Yet, i have this yearning to leave. To leave all that makes sense. To leave this seemingly stable life.

Seemingly, that is. I know that when all is said and done, i’m not growing as a person where i currently am. I’m not challenging myself, i’m not living to my full potential. Of course, i’m referring to my transgender issues. I’ve talked alot in the past why i feel that i just can’t be myself where i live right now. I mean, heck.. I’ve gotten all the vibes and “advises” in the world that i can’t even dress the way i want around my mom and dad. And since then, i haven’t done any strides what so ever, to improve myself as a human being.

So what would moving gain? Well, for one, i feel i don’t belong here to begin with. I live in a small town where it’s basically “Think like we do, or get out”. And that involves so many aspects of what i am! I can’t meet like-minded people, or get acceptance. Another reason to move is to grow as a person. I need to get away from everything i’ve gotten used to. From the stone that i’ve chiseled myself into.

Moving would be the major stride toward a change that i so desperately need. This situation is secure in the short run, but not in the long run. Gah.. I sure have been egotistical the past few blogs. But i just can’t express enough how saddening living here is. And i just had to vent a little.

Rain, the story of a transsexual, turns 3 years!

I just wanted to make it known to everyone, that the comic “Rain” has reached the 3-year milestone!

3_years_of_rain_by_jocelynsamara-d6w2uu0

http://jocelynsamara.deviantart.com/art/3-Years-of-Rain-416678040

The art is good, the story is good; but you know what is the most amazing thing to me about this comic? That it’s been going steady for three straight years. That is, it hasn’t encountered indefinite hiatuses, it hasn’t waned in quality! For three long years! That alone deserves a medal.

Here’s the quote to her thoughts on the achievement:

You know, I always wanted to do a comic.  And I mean, long before I started writing Rain.  Before it was even a thought in my mind.  The concept of a webcomic in particular offered a medium with which I could tell a story to the world, without having to impress some publishing company.  I could go at my own pace to tell my story the way I want without having to bend to the whims of some so-called expert saying, “nobody wants to read a story about that.”

The thing is, I was always afraid I was too ambitious.  I was afraid my ideas wouldn’t catch on and no one would be interested.  Or I was afraid that I’d start, but then get discouraged or bored or sidetracked or lazy and just drop it (as I have with pretty much every other writing attempt prior to Rain).  I’ve watched it happen with so many of my favorite webcomics, and I didn’t want to be just another quitter.  And these fears held me back for a long time.  Much in the same way, my fears held me back from starting transition until very recently.

But here we are.  It’s been three years now since the first page went up.  The readership is far more vast than I’d ever anticipated.  And people not just read, but appreciate my work.  Some people say they have had their lives changed by it!  It means so much to me.  I don’t even have words for it.  What I have with Rain, I could never have predicted.  And I have every single person who has ever read this to thank for it.
It was life-changing for me.  I’ve learned a lot about the world, about myself, and about others like me since starting.  I’ve started transition since the beginning of Rain, and I think writing this has been a bit of transition in and of itself into a serious writer.  Because despite my prior fears, I’ve never felt burnt out with this story.  I’ve never gotten bored.  I’ve never dared to miss an update (excluding planned, announced hiatuses with planned, announced returns).  I’ve had some new story ideas, but nothing that actually took away from this one.  I would never dream of doing anything other than writing this to very end (which has many years left in it).  And it’s all because I have you: devoted readers of all ages, genders, orientations, etc. from all over the world.
So thank you.  For helping me grow as a person, as a woman and as a writer, so I can continue to produce the best work I am capable of.
I love you all so much!  Have an amazing day!

The effort has definitely payed. To this day, she’s been mentioned in a few big LGBT networks, accrued plenty of fans… and there’s no sign of it stopping! I feel that, in the next year, we’re going to see this reach the mainstream of all the LGBT forums!

Here’s to another year! I’m proud of you, my friend! You’ve done a great job so far, and you deserve all the recognition and success in the world!

What do I want?

I missed the train by a few seconds.. Needless to say, I was left feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself. Here I was, waiting for so long, and I blew it.
Somewhere along the lines, I went and got very angry at waiting. It’s the bane of my existence. To have to wait. And that’s the only excuse I have. It’s all on me.

Told my mom not too long ago, and there was something she said that sparked this blog post.
I had told her earlier that the last time I missed the train (due to sleeping over), the therapist called me and asked me if I wanted to go through with it. Of course, I said.
But now, that I missed it again, my mom told me that she was beginning to think that too. And that’s when I thought. “You know.. I’m not so sure I ever started it to begin with”. What I mean by that is that I’m limiting the person that I want to be. I’m not expressing myself in the way I would like. Simply not dressing the way I want puts a huge damper on me as a person, I feel.

So what should I do? What do I want? I feel that, to truly transition, I need to move out of this place. This little town I live in. Because this is the root of all those fears. Fears that I’ve written about in the past, so I won’t reiterate those here. That is the true next step for me, and I’ve complained and wined about it enough.

So do I really want to go through with this, mom? Yes, I do. But I don’t think this incident is an indication of whether or not I want to. Simply staying in this town is.

Therapist time!! And some paintings

Transition continuing

Quite some time ago, i wrote a short blog post where i expressed my dissatisfaction with how long i had to wait until i could go see my therapist in Uppsala..

Well, the time has finally come, and tomorrow, i’m going! Feeling very nervous and anxious, as usual. Very curious as to what we’ll discuss and what they would like to know.

On a side note, it will be fun to see what that town will look like during winter/autumn.

Painting

I’ve taken up drawing/painting again. I don’t know.. At least for now, i feel that i really love it. So far, i’ve drawn some doodles. You can find them on my deviant art page.

Shading test Lamp flower

In closing

I’m going to keep myself occupied for the rest of the night, to make time go a little faster. Very excited!

Bonus

I haven’t given my readers a bonus video in ages. It’s something i used to do a lot back when i updated daily.
This is a special one for me, cause it has my brother in it (In fact, he’s on the cover). I hope he doesn’t mind that i share this:

Transgender day of remembrance

 

 

 

 

I drew a little something something for this special day. Read up on it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_Day_of_Remembrance
Transgender day of rememberence 2

Mirror, mirror!

Transition
It’s been about two weeks since i looked myself in the mirror, and i can honestly say that i’ve been feeling better for not doing it. I should probably try to confront myself at some point, though. After all, it’s less than a week left until i have a meeting with my therapist. My transition process will finally continue.

The video
As for that video. I’ve been pondering about it a lot, and i feel it would probably be better without a script, and if i changed my approach to it. Instead of trying to find nostalgia, melancholy or bitterness; where none of it can be found, i should just try to be above my past self. Because this honestly isn’t something i really care about that much any more. And i want that fact to be apparent in the video.

Sickness
I was sick earlier too. So the video got postponed because of that. Had a lot of fun just relaxing with some wind waker SD on my gamecube.

Helping another friend

I’ve written about a transsexual friend of mine on her before, and linked to her transition donation fund. And now i wanna do that with another friend, who recently made it known that she needs some help.

I might not agree with some of the actions she’s taken with transition. But i do understand that desperate times require desperate measures. So i want to lend a hand as best i can, because she’s a good person. Sadly, i don’t have any money, and won’t have for who knows how long. But maybe anyone reading this does. If so, i would like you to help her monetarily. Heck, send her a PM of well wishes if you have the time to spare.

Here’s her page: http://www.gofundme.com/2cg8rw

Transition is a bitch! Let’s make it a little less bitchy for one individual.

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