Archive | September 2013

Waiting, waiting and waiting.

I just made a call to uppsala, where the transsexual hospital is (the place I’ve been going to).  They told me I didn’t have a time booked with them, even though they said I would be getting a new time.. Anyway.. The new time I got is in two months. Two long months.

At this rate, I’m never going to get anywhere. I hate this!


Finding the answers – part 8 – final!

–Day 8

Waiting for someone to come and tell me that it’s time to see the head doctor.
They said I would most likely be able to see him. But I won’t know until a little later. I’m just gonna tell him that i want to go home. Tired of being here. Tired of the strict rules and I wanna apply what I’ve learned.

I really hope I won’t have to wait until tomorrow, just to go home.

Sweet. I got a time!!
Hopefully, he won’t try to make me stay here. I feel that I’m done. That’s all. So.. In 20 minutes!

It’s passed 11 now.. Gah, I hope he’ll show up. I don’t want to stay here any longer!

Yes… Still waiting!

I am now free as a bird, and it feels awesome. Bad thing is that the train I was supposed to have gone on, got replaced by a bus. Good part is that I get a free trip. Like… Free free. Unless someone is standing at the station in söderhamn (which is where I’m making a short stop), I got off scott free.

Already half way there. I’m doing pretty good.

I’m amazed at how well this is going.

Can’t believe I managed to go the whole trip without getting all anxious. I’m already on my way to becoming whole again.

And with that, I am home. Thus concludes this diary… I don’t know how to close it any other way than that.





And that’s that.
I’ve probably accidentally posted the same picture twice, but I know that I’ve posted all of the ones I took.

So that’s my little trip to Hudiksvall hospital for the depressed and anxious. Hope you enjoyed reading.


I had a dream that I was in hell. Not your typical hell, with fire and all that stuff, but a psychological hell. I dreamed I was tortured in different ways. Some ways involved drowning, some ways involved having to listen to a mad woman ramblings. And strangely enough, I was flung into the role of the one torturing others.

It was a strange dream, full of my psychological fears, and my mental fears.
I’m very empathic, so every scene of the torture involved other people getting tortured too..

What can I take from this dream? I have a lot of irrational fear that I need to do something about. Which I already knew, but my mind pretty much showed it to me in a dream tonight.

Finding the answers – part 7 – skin

–Day 7

Just had a short meeting with someone about “my plans”. It’s an obligatory thing all of the nurses on the clinic has to go through with their patients.
I told her that I was pretty happy with the help I have gotten. 1) getting away from everything to get a new perspective. 2) to be able to interact with people more.
So I said I was ready to go home. She didn’t have much to add, since it was just an obligatory thing. We also brushed a little on my transsexuality. I told her about myself.. But anyone reading my diary will know that whole story.

Already Sunday… Not much longer now, and I’ll get to go home.

Just got home from a walk with a woman I’ve been chatting with a lot. Apparently, she’s been having issues with children, her husband, and relationships. All I can say is that I’m happy to not be in a relationship right now. It just seems like a chore

I listened to a song called “skin” by machinae supremacy. Ever since a friend told me that it reminded her of transsexuals, I checked it out, and i  loved it.. Cause it’s so sad.
So now I’m in a somber mood.

Damn.. That talk with that woman I mentioned earlier was very optionally draining. Such a downer. I can’t even imagine what she must go through.

I was really enjoying fall, but now the last efforts of summer has taken a hold of the town. So that sucks!

To be honest, my gender issues is weighing down on me. It’s time I become more open about it to my mom too. As hard as it is to talk about it… What’s the song say.. “You need to cause a storm to change how you are within”. To paraphrase “skin”.

I might be able to come home tomorrow.

Finding the answers – part6 – where is that sky scraper going?

–Day 6

Managed to have a pretty long dialog with someone. I consider it a success

Met my “go to nurse” earlier. Not entirely sure what she does that no one else does. But she’s who was assigned to me, a title like that.
I told her I was feeling much better and that I can’t wait to get home.

There. Done some downloading now. Got some videos to watch later.

Been thinking some more about my transsexuality. There’s a phrase in a song where he sings “poor him who carries a sky scraper on his shoulders! What is it that you don’t want others to see that everyone hasn’t already seen, and where is that sky scraper going?”
I need to throw away the sky scraper!

When I was younger, people used to tell me that I was in my own world, from time to time. I used to let my mind drift and lose focus. Lost in day dreams, as they say. I think I need to do more of that.

Maybe meditation is the new “zoning out” for me though. Because it always makes me feel better. Had a 20 minute session earlier.

Had a talk with the man from Iraq. He told me more about why he’s here and what he’s been through. Just like all Christian Iraquies, he’s had a life of persecution and imprisonment. His wife and daughter died by a suicide bomber. Over 200 people died in a church that day..
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.
Luckily, Sweden is open to a lot of people who needs the help.

Speaking of immigration. I’ve seen a lot of beggars with roses lately. Mostly women who try to use the gift of a rose and fake kindness to win you over, so that you’ll give them some money.. Yeah, my good will seizes completely when I’m being manipulated. I know they must be desperate, but come on.

Let’s talk a little about this clinic I’m staying in. I’ve had a really good experience so far. But I do have some complaints.
For one, I don’t get why I can’t be in someone else’s room. We’re all people here.. I don’t know. It seems that some rules are arbitrary. I can understand not being allowed to have cables lying around (because someone suicidal could snatch it and kill themselves… At least that’s what the nurses are saying. The rule came in place due to it happening a lot), but some things just seem dehumanizing.

I probably won’t be 100%ing Luigi’s mansion 2. Too hard and time consuming.
I decided to play some Mario 3d land instead.
I love my 3ds! Wish Majora’s mask would be released soon, though.

Just watched a vsauce3 video about what we see in the dark, and it turns out seeing strange patterns in the dark is normal. I always thought it was because my eyes were damaged in some way. And I don’t seek out the whys and ifs of anything the body does.
Strangely relieving to know.

Talking to people and meditating are key things to take away from this. Getting out of your comfort zone.
I feel so good just interacting. It makes me feel both stressed and exhilarated. I feel the stress will subside eventually.

I think I’ve found what is missing, and what I’m doing wrong. The answer was always there, but it’s more clear to me now than ever!

I can easily say that today was a huge success.
Had a longer talk with one of the women on the clinic, and I’ve been able to keep my stress at bay. Fantastic!

I opened up Facebook very briefly, to find that one of my tranny friends (it’s an endearing term we use) went to buy some wine using her new ID with her new name on it. And it went well with no hassles. I don’t know.. That made me so happy to hear!


The locksmith I borrowed WiFi from.



Anita Sarkeesian

This video was released, where the guy exposed Anita for “what she truly is”.

And i felt that i had to comment on it.
Hi! My name is Jenna, and i’ve been gaming since as far as i can remember, and i continue to do so to this day. I love games. It’s one of my passions in life.

So! With that out of the way, what can we take from this video? Sarkeesian lied about being a gamer. Does that detract from anything she says in the videos she’s made, on gaming? Well, it weakens her point, since she clearly has no issues lying in order to seem more legitimate, and it lends a lot of credence to the people claiming that she hasn’t done any research what so ever, and that she’s full of herself.

But you have to understand! Anita comes from the school of thought that postulates that lying is ok, so long as it serves the greater good. Skewing numbers in order to make rape seem more rampant than it is, and tricking people into thinking you’re legitimate, by lying, is all part of how she operates. So to her, this is nothing special. And so what that some people know she’s full of it? So long as her image is still intact, she’s ok.

Let’s keep spreading the word that the she isn’t the person so many people seem to think she is.

Finding the answers – part 5 – Beyond the sea

–Day 5
It’s almost been a week already?
Well. I came here on Monday. So more like, 4 and a half. But sementaics-shmantics.

Had a good night. I think not eating before going to bed is really important.

Gonna keep my phone on Charging for a while, and then go outside to download some podcasts and YouTube videos.

Downloading some videos now. I find it ironic that a lock and security firm would have an open internet. I wonder if they know… They have to, right?

The harbor area is without a doubt the coolest place. I can’t believe how cool these old building and inner gardens (in pictures) are.

I should start writing more with a pen. Maybe use my left hand more. I always wanted to write mathematical formulas more. I should take some time to brush up on my math.

Tried to start 100% Luigi’s mansion 2, but it’s too hard. Might just start some Mario 3d land again. Haven’t played it since I got it. Awesome game though.

So… What I’ll do with issues is…. I can look at it this way. Either do something about it, or come to a conclusion. But be open about things, when new information is presented.

I chatted up a woman about an hour ago, and it turns out we both love rock, and music in general. I mean, we all love music, but rarely do you find someone who really love it.

Someone on twitter just called me a feminist. She did a #ff on me. I’m OK with being called that. I’m one of those who clings to an ideal until it really dies, and I think there still are feminists out there. Actual feminists. People who focus on gender equality. This excludes the neo feminists, that you see on tumblr, freethoughtblogs, skepchick and atheism+ forums.

I should start making extensive #ff on twitter. #ff stands for “follow Friday”. Maybe I’ll do it in blog form. Not sure it warrants a video. But totally a 200 word or less blog post, with links to material and videos. Sounds like it would be fun!

Oh, and I should note that that empty feeling I get sometimes, is quenched once I get a conversation going with someone. Totally going to be chattier from now on.

*more hobby time, calculate & think things through and more conversations with people.

I wrote down that I should care more about appearance.. This means dressing the way I want. Embracing my true self.

Not many entries today. What can I say?
It’s been a warm week overall, and this is probably the last warm weekend we’ll have until spring. A lot of people in town, celebrating and having a good old autumn market festival.

I chatted up a really nice woman (an hour ago) who comes from the same town as me. It was pleasant.

Anyhow. I’m gonna put my phone on charge and play some super Mario 3d land. Then I’ll chat with some people, do some meditation after that, have a nightly meal… Surf some reddit.

Of course. The headphones had to break now. Because… Why not? Gah, this is so annoying. I can’t go change them until I get home. Only the left works now………. So annoying. And it’s so random too. How does that even work? How does a cable so that? Is the copper in the headphones THAT fucking thin?????? I do not get it!

Yeah. I’m buying new ones tomorrow. I’m not going to deal with this frustration just because of some broken headphones. So annoying though. So very annoying.

I had a chat with a woman. I think she needed it. She’s got a lot of reasons to be depressed.

All of these people, and all I have is stress issues.








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