I’d rather be a girl, no matter what!

2nd trip to the doctors, shoe-misadventures, dysphoria and telling off a prick alleged transsexual

(Featured picture is of the clinic i go to)

2nd trip

I’ve been trying to write a post as of late, but i’ve been feeling very apathetic as of late. So it’s been difficult to write anything. First things first. I’m glad to say that i finally went back for another meeting with the doctors, about my trans issues. This was about two weeks ago now, so i feel a bit guilty not having written it down. I tried to, earlier, but i just wasn’t happy with what i wrote. Too disjointed and “obligatory postie”.

Shoe-misadventures & Dysphoria

I had fun, and i was glad. It was a very relaxed meeting with a curator type person, who just wanted to know more about my situation and my life. So nothing big this time!
But anyway! That was then, and now is now. My day started pretty good. Had a pretty bad night of constant fatigue (Which is part of anxiety disorder) — I love how just writing about it makes me fatigued. Truly, it’s all in my mind. If only i could just tell my brain to stop being that way! It’s nothing i can’t handle though!

Before going on, i have to point out that my shoes are literally falling apart. So i decided last night that i would have to head to the shoe store, the following day. Which is today. After i had done some chores at home, i finally went out, hopped on my bike, and drove down to town to get some new shoes.
Since it’s Sunday today, hardly any stores were opened (I live in a small town). So i went into one of the only stores that were opened at that time (Around 3pm). Big mistake. I mean.. I have huge difficulties shopping for clothes, being semi-out as a transsexual, presenting male. But to be told they only sold women’s shoes, as if there was nothing there for me to get, was just too much for me. And i feel so horrible on so many levels about feeling this way. None of those levels of feeling-badness involves them as people though. They don’t know, obviously.

But it does make me feel horrible taking it so badly, even though i know why i feel horrible about it. Still, it makes me feel childish, stupid, sick, like crying, depressed and most of all, frustrated! The frustration is the worst thing right now. I can handle the depression somewhat, but the frustration it brings me is unbearable. I feel that it’s only because i am in the way of myself too. Boundaries that i’ve set up for myself, all to not have to confront my parents and have my fragile state of mind shattered.. Today, i feel that i should stop doing that, and start being myself. But it’s not for the best, it’s just a feeling.

Telling off an alleged transsexual

I read an anonymous alleged transsexual write about his/her issues yesterday, and he/she wrote about how in some ways, he/she was happy to not have been born a girl, cause the patriarchy and all that. And i want to say to that person that even if i was born in a country where a female was expected to be raped by the time they get to the age of 13, i would still pick being born a girl. It never even crossed my mind, to be happy about the convinces or the certain privileges of presenting/being male (Not that i subscribe to the school of thought that says that males are more privileged. I’m just saying that even if that were the case).

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About Get a Grip

Code monkey. Opinionated.

2 responses to “I’d rather be a girl, no matter what!”

  1. Rose Colored Photo says :

    First – here is an internet hug from a random stranger on the interwebs!

    I am a cisgender female – and I am grateful for the privilege that gives me and for the lack of pain I have for that. I am sorry for the pain and struggles that you are going through.

    I came to the understanding that I am a lesbian after several years of heterosexual marriage and I was nearly 30. So I get to deal with the fun of experiencing having and then losing straight privilege. I am dating a bi sexual bi racial woman so we have a lot of conversations about ignorance, privilege, racism, sexism and all the other isms we deal with. I have also served in the military and worked in a male dominated career field – so I am very aware of the privilege and sexim that is omni-present there and I am very aware of the privilege that is present in the rest of the world.

    My point is not to play the “who has more privilege” game with you – it’s to say that I can look at my experiences and extrapolate what you must be going through. And that is why I send you an internet hug. I’m so sorry – I can only imagine what you are going through.

    So as a cisgendered woman let me set something straight. There is male privilege – it’s very real. Being born biologically male you have experienced it without being aware of it. But lacking cisgender privilege that experience almost totally overwhelms all of the benefits of the privilege and in fact as you are in this transition much of that privilege will be denied you because you are Trans*.

    Also – so you are giving up the privilege of being male. So What? It will make you a better woman! It will make you a better person. And I hope that it will make you happy! Isn’t it better to recognize the privilege – transition to female – and then demand the same respect and privileges you had as a male? I had straight privilege and I recognize the absence of it when I come out as gay. (coming out is not a single moment – it’s a constant ever present thing as I am sure you already know). And I demand that privilege back. So you can do the same.

    So welcome to the world of being female – it’s hard, and tough, and being a Trans Woman is even harder and tougher. BUT! We have cute shoes, nail polish, make up, sad movies, lots of friends and cookies! I’m glad you are joining us and I hope the pain eases up. And until it does – know that you have lots of support – even if it is sometimes strangers on the internet. But when the people you see and know can’t or won’t support you then go to the folks who will.

    • jennaisme says :

      Thank you for the heartfelt response. And yeah, no matter what, being female is for the better. More, less, better or worse; or simply different (Which is the way i see it) privileges, really doesn’t matter to me. In some ways, the female experience is better (Some of which being the things you pointed out), but maybe (And i’ll concede) it’s not quite as free as the male experience is…

      Anyhow, all of that is besides the point! I’ve got supporters and lots of people who care, which i am glad for!
      Thank you again for the comment! ❤

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