Archive | July 2013

I got a new dress!

Short post today! First of, i started following my big sister on wordpress! One of my siblings finally started something creative on the web for once. Everyone else kind of avoids it!

And yes! I got a new dress! Like i’ve said before. This might seem like a small thing. But for me, it’s a step towards my normalcy (I’ll explain that in more detail later). It’s a frilly dress that’s more lightweight than the other one i got. No straps (Only my bra straps).. And it’s awesome! So yay me!Image


What if i am wrong about Feminism?

Been pondering a lot of things as of late. During the dull moments of the Howard Stern show, i almost always phase out their banter about some boring celebrities or boobies, to ponder about things. And sometimes, i sit in complete stillness too!
I’m melting down yet another chat i had with my brother, regarding feminism! TJ made a video about some list that a supposed feminist had written.

TJ’s video is as (un)eloquent as ever, and it’s obvious that he’s just taking the shit out of that guy. But who can blame him.. The list is so silly,  that i don’t know what to say. Is the guy in question a troll? Is he for real? Is he even a feminist? How many feminists actually think this way?
The last question, i don’t even understand that i have to ask. Because with all other groups, you get a pretty good grasp of what the consensus within it is! But not with this.

AwesomeRants made a video a few months ago about feminism, where she basically said that it’s a moot term at this point. Because no one seems to know what it even means anymore!

I agree with her. But i would like to add, after a lot of thinking about it. I think feminism is in a crossroad, where it is changing a lot.
I mean, this very aggressive stance to redefine atheism and all of these feminists you find everywhere, who basically espouse the dreary things that this list maker pukes out!
I don’t know. The more i see, the more i’m convinced that they’re indoctrinated! Someone should not be able to proudly say “I went to this feminism study for a week, and it changed my perception of everything!” or “I didn’t know how marginalized and discriminated against i was, until i found feminism”. I mean, it sounds an awful lot like indoctrination! I’m sorry. I just feel that way!

But maybe i’m wrong in my perception of feminism! Maybe i’m just not seeing it! Maybe a naked woman is wrong, and is furthering the objectification of women in society at large! Maybe their conviction holds true, and i’m just a grumpy, dumb conservative.
I’d like to be proven wrong! Show me what feminism is!

From a bad mood to a good mood: A tale of socialist Sweden.

It’s really difficult for me to explain why i was in such a bad mood lately. Because i have to translate things into American. Because you see, i come from a country with a lot of socialist transitions. One of which being giving people who needs help, the help that they need. Simple enough!
So what help am i getting? I get payed rent with about 2500-3000 SEK (450 dollars) for clothes, food, etc. Mainly, I get some people helping me in my life.. And by “Some”, i mean many. But the two “groups” — please excuse the very vague terminology in this post — that this story involves, which i need to explain first: is one new that i got in contact with, about 2 weeks ago, which is a semi-private group of people who helps people with social needs (Helping with chores, getting in shape, grocery shopping, just talking, etc), and one other group of people working for the community/municipality. This is the group i got in contact with late last year, and has my aunt in it (She’s awesome).

One new group, through the socialist safety-net of Sweden, and one old! (Still am in contact with both. It’s not a switch). Hope that explains it sufficiently enough.

So anyway. When i first had the meeting with the new group of people, i was assured that they would help me with a form/application that i have to submit every month. It’s the form which grants me money from the state/municipality. Now.. Filling this thing in is a huge chore and a confusing mess. And what you have to put in there is different every time! And since i do have anxiety disorder, it also gives me a lot of stress. I know i should probably just learn how to do it myself, and i probably will after what happened.

Long story short, they didn’t help me with it. This left in a state of distress and despair, after they had shoved the paper through my door mailbox, along with a note saying that they didn’t really have the time, and was unsure if they could help me with it in time. And i don’t want to blame them for that. I understand.. But i feel that i should have been warned that i wouldn’t always get the help i needed from this new group, who was supposed to take a lot of stress off of the old group.

I was really stressed and bummed out for about a day, until i finally decided to go to mom about it. Since my mom and aunt has a great relationship (My aunt was on a vacation), my mom was able to call my aunt to figure out how to fill in this application. So that made me very relieved. I remember sitting there, feeling as though two stones were lifted off my chest, as mom told me that she would help me. I have the best mom ever!

That same day that i went to my mom about it, earlier, i had gone to the old group to see if i couldn’t find my aunt’s co-worker, to inquire about this form. Sadly, she wasn’t there. But she called up, the day after i had gone to my mom about the form, telling me that people had seen me searching for her the other day (My aunt’s coworker, who is a part of that old group). Which was yesterday. I told her about my woes, and we arranged a meeting this Friday.. Today.

I woke up early today to go and meet her (I had already told my mom at this point, that i would be seeing her about the form instead, and i had picked up the form, the day before) about it, and we talked it through, made sure everything was in order. Luckily, i had gotten my rent (Which is something you need to send in with the form, to act as evidence of your rent.. In order to get money. Gah, can i get more confusing) this morning.
Anyway, i’ve gone on long enough. Bottomline is that i got the help i needed, and i ended up sending the form in to where it should be! All is happy, and all is well!

As a side note, i should say that my aunt’s co-worker in the old group also helped me with some other medical woes. It involves a bunch of complicated things i can’t even pretend to know about. But essentially, we found out that i had a bunch of  invoices/bills that i hadn’t payed (Due to never getting them), and because of that, had a lot of penalty to pay. So fucking glad she looked that up, and in the same day, rid me off all of it, with the help of some legal rights i have as a Swede, and some phone calls to explain the situation. I was ready to go to court about it, but it seems state services such as the semi-social-medical-establishment aren’t really assholes.

Again, it makes me so freaking happy to have so many professionals around me who can help me, and that i live in such a great country, where i can get the help i need. I’m speaking about both my stress related problems, and my trans problems in this blog too!
Just amazing.. Quite frankly. So now i’m in a good mood. Slightly stressed, but there you go! I just need some time to recuperate.. It might seem like a small problem, but to me in my mental state, it’s kind of big.

Hope this made sense! Not sure if it did or not! Happy Friday everyone!

I’d rather be a girl, no matter what!

2nd trip to the doctors, shoe-misadventures, dysphoria and telling off a prick alleged transsexual

(Featured picture is of the clinic i go to)

2nd trip

I’ve been trying to write a post as of late, but i’ve been feeling very apathetic as of late. So it’s been difficult to write anything. First things first. I’m glad to say that i finally went back for another meeting with the doctors, about my trans issues. This was about two weeks ago now, so i feel a bit guilty not having written it down. I tried to, earlier, but i just wasn’t happy with what i wrote. Too disjointed and “obligatory postie”.

Shoe-misadventures & Dysphoria

I had fun, and i was glad. It was a very relaxed meeting with a curator type person, who just wanted to know more about my situation and my life. So nothing big this time!
But anyway! That was then, and now is now. My day started pretty good. Had a pretty bad night of constant fatigue (Which is part of anxiety disorder) — I love how just writing about it makes me fatigued. Truly, it’s all in my mind. If only i could just tell my brain to stop being that way! It’s nothing i can’t handle though!

Before going on, i have to point out that my shoes are literally falling apart. So i decided last night that i would have to head to the shoe store, the following day. Which is today. After i had done some chores at home, i finally went out, hopped on my bike, and drove down to town to get some new shoes.
Since it’s Sunday today, hardly any stores were opened (I live in a small town). So i went into one of the only stores that were opened at that time (Around 3pm). Big mistake. I mean.. I have huge difficulties shopping for clothes, being semi-out as a transsexual, presenting male. But to be told they only sold women’s shoes, as if there was nothing there for me to get, was just too much for me. And i feel so horrible on so many levels about feeling this way. None of those levels of feeling-badness involves them as people though. They don’t know, obviously.

But it does make me feel horrible taking it so badly, even though i know why i feel horrible about it. Still, it makes me feel childish, stupid, sick, like crying, depressed and most of all, frustrated! The frustration is the worst thing right now. I can handle the depression somewhat, but the frustration it brings me is unbearable. I feel that it’s only because i am in the way of myself too. Boundaries that i’ve set up for myself, all to not have to confront my parents and have my fragile state of mind shattered.. Today, i feel that i should stop doing that, and start being myself. But it’s not for the best, it’s just a feeling.

Telling off an alleged transsexual

I read an anonymous alleged transsexual write about his/her issues yesterday, and he/she wrote about how in some ways, he/she was happy to not have been born a girl, cause the patriarchy and all that. And i want to say to that person that even if i was born in a country where a female was expected to be raped by the time they get to the age of 13, i would still pick being born a girl. It never even crossed my mind, to be happy about the convinces or the certain privileges of presenting/being male (Not that i subscribe to the school of thought that says that males are more privileged. I’m just saying that even if that were the case).

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