(Short story) The post-modern man!
I’ve been meaning to start writing more, so i figured i’d start a new segment on my blog where i write short stories. Mainly because i’ve heard that to be a good writer, you just have to start somewhere. And this is my somewhere.
I have a bunch of stories scattered around in comment sections and facebook posts. But today, that ends. I’ll only post to my blog from now on (And maybe deviantart). This first story is called “The post-modern man”:
“I think i’m gonna blame Obama for a few hours. Then i’ll blame the smurfs, that pelican in Aladdin and the Jews. Can’t forget those lying Jews. Then when i’m done blaming all my problems on everyone else, i’ll buy a the latest smartphone. I know i got one a few months ago, but it’s not as shiny, nor does it have as many terraflops (Lol) as my old smartphone. Then when i get my smartphone, i’m gonna make sure all my many followers on instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, craigslist, myspace and orcult knows about how much in debt i just put myself in for making yet another ill-advised purchase. Then i might as well go back to complaining about how the gays are taking over and how they’re responsible for my financial problems. And i won’t go to bed until around 6am. Mainly because i need to stay up to watch cat videos and complain about how much insomnia i have. I know because i diagnosed myself on web-md, you see. Apparently, i also have every cancer, HIV, small pox and “you’re gonna die, Garrett’s” decease.
It’s always the name of a person in those deceases. I could google why that is and learn something, but taking my new smartphone out of my pocket is too much of a hassle, let alone googling it (Not that i know what i should search for to get the results). It’s probably names everywhere because everyone else is bitter about having a decease. I think it’s fantastic to have all these conditions, though. It means i get to be a victim, and everyone will have to bow down to me when i write about all my woes. And anyone who doesn’t will be blocked. No way i’m gonna look at things from a different perspective! Who do they think i am? Einstein?
It’s now 5am. Someone just told me i was a pedant. So i need to stay up three hours longer and write on my blog how i do not look like a pendant. How can everyone else be so blind? Just look at all those beautiful pictures i have on here.. I took at least 48 pictures yesterday. I couldn’t choose which one was the most lustrous of them, so i posted them all, and tagged them with every single popular tag. Including #nofilter. Because everyone needs to know that i am no fake! No makeup, no filters, no nothing. Just my beautiful face and body in all its natural splendor! It’s wonderful being me. If only everyone could see me for the smart, beautiful and fantastic person i am! They would throw parades in my honor, invite me as a guest to all dinner parties, show me all the respect that i deserve. And i would go to north Korea and give world peace to the world! And they will erect statues in my honor, give me the Nobel prize for most handsomest human being alive. And Susanne, the cheerleader in my old school would finally announce her love for me, and we will live happily ever after..”
Suddenly, the sound of an alarm clock echoed through the dirty room. A noise so loud that it made the empty coke bottles on the table next to the couch vibrate. The post-modern man wakes up in a roar of sweat and tears from the extacy of a vivid dream, and thinks to himself: It was just a dream.