Archive | May 2013

I’m the worst person i know

Emo title. But i think it’s fitting. Because i am a bad person. I should probably just come to terms with it, and proceed to killing puppies.. I’m joking about the puppies.

As a followup to the previous post, it seems that all i caused for my friend was stress. She apparently had a panic attack or something. Which isn’t surprising. Because just look at who she’s talking with. I’m a transsexual who’s the least genuine and most stressed out person ever. I haven’t made an honest effort to dress as myself in public, for a long time. Just because of some irrational fear that things are just gonna get more complicated.. Just because both mom and dad seem to not want it. I mean, how weak can you be, right? Well, not much weaker than me, apparently.

Then the stress that i must exude at every single meeting, offline or online. I don’t know.. I shouldn’t say “I don’t know all the time”, but i don’t know about people. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s me. That i am the one who is expecting too much, putting too much pressure and being the asshole. Maybe everything i’ve ever done towards someone, that they didn’t like, has been my fault. Maybe that’s true.

I might have to come to terms that i’m bad, like i said at the beginning of this post. And i owe it all to my disingenuous sense of being. Just the fact that i’m moping and moaning about this just makes it all worse too. Just thought i’d add that.

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Disappointment in a friend

Woke up a few hours ago. I stopped lying down like a lazy shit, and came to my senses just now. I’ve been a bit annoyed, frustrated and incredibly disappointed for the later part of yesterday, and all of today. The reason is because me and a friend of mine were having an argument over something. It’s kind of a silly topic, but i think that what she did was far from it, and incredibly disrespectful. Of course, she won’t see it that way. Because to her, i just want to be right all the time.

We were talking about Nintendo putting ads on the footage of the games that they own. Which includes any non-partnered let’s play channel. A let’s play is when someone plays a game through, and adds his or her commentary to it. By all accounts, they don’t own the rights to the footage, unless they’re a partner.

So with that said. We were arguing whether or not this is ok. I said that i didn’t really mind Nintendo doing it. Only that i thought it was a really stupid decision. Because the short term profit is not with the bad reputation that they’re getting because of it. But sure.. My argument isn’t that they’re wrong to do so. Just the thought behind it. Because i can’t imagine this turning out in their favor.
She argued that people shouldn’t put their ads on footage they don’t own, period! And that anyone who does is no better than an art thief, and that they should get a real job.
Now, i should argued her argument directly, but at this point, i was kind of angry at her. Because i know how big of a fan of gamegrumps she is, and they, if anyone, is making a living off of doing it. I think it’s worth noting that she took this angry i had for her, as me caring about Nintendo putting ads on their videos.. But no. I was angry at you, rest assured. Because you’re sounding like a total hypocrite at this point in the argument.

So instead of arguing that, which i should have, i suppose, i decided to talk about the partner channels. If only, to prove a point to her. Because the partner channels are completely unaffected by companies putting ads on their videos. Just because the partner channels on youtube owns the rights to the footage. They’ve bought it!
Keep in mind that, at this point, she isn’t responding. I tell her about how gamegrumps is making a living off of “stealing” (As she puts it) and by not having a real job (As she also put it).
There, i proved my point, i thought. Maybe she’ll understand that it isn’t as clear as she had previously put it. At this point, the argument has nothing to do with Nintendo, and all to do with her two points here. I wrote a lot about it.. Because quite frankly, she’s being a hypocrite.

Time goes.. 5 minutes.. another 5 minutes.. yet another 5.. and 5 more. Eventually, she finally responds, and this is the part of the argument that i have a problem with! She tells me that i obviously do care a lot about Nintendo putting ads on the videos (No.. I’m not. I care about you saying what you said, obviously), and that i just want to be right. And because of this, she won’t argue with me any further.
I can take not wanting to argue anymore. That’s fine. But to write me off as though i just want to be right is just disrespectful. Why won’t you defend your position? I mean, i obviously want to talk about how it’s not as clear cut as “them stealing footage”, and that a “real job” isn’t quite that easily defined. I mean, i had an actual argument about this with a friend later that night. I told him about this thing that bothered me. And it was really constructive and it actually lead somewhere. And i think we both learned from each other..
But you! You just want to write it off as me just wanting to be right. How low do you think of me? You think i argue just to be right, is that it?

Words can’t even describe how disappointed this makes me. And how hurtful it was to me. Maybe i’m looking through this in the wrong way though. Perhaps i’ve misjudged, misinterpreted and misrepresented in this post. But this is my side of the story at least.

 

New time! Already!

I learned about three days ago that i got a new time at the transsexual expert doctors (I still have no idea what to call them) in Uppsala. The new time is the 18th of June. So it’s less than a month, and that makes me excited! I was expecting that i would have to wait until the end of summer for a new time with them, but luckily, that wasn’t the case.

So with excitement and nervousness for the next encounter (Because i have no idea what they’re gonna say. Jocelyn ensured me that it was a good sign though), i am now going day by day with the usual chores, job days and meeting friends and such.. Actually, i just started seeing a friend quite regularly. He seemed to enjoy the nightly walks that i always take, so i’m expecting he’ll be keeping me company for quite some time. And i welcome it!

And the last thing i would like to write about is this blog, itself. I seem to have neglected it quite a bit. I don’t know if it’s because of laziness or if it’s because for the first time, i finally get to talk about my transsexuality with people. Sure, it’s still difficult to talk about, and i can be more open here.

But anyway! I’ll do my best to update more regularly.

My first trans meeting. Finally starting transition!

My trip to Uppsala to meet with the experts on transsexuals. Finally starting transition. The interview. Lots of trans questions and thoughts. The old city and the complex of a hospital. Pictures inside. This is the big post, everyone!

Preface

I spent the whole day yesterday traveling to and from Uppsala, which is where the experts on transsexuals are. And needless to say, it was a fantastic day. Not only did the meeting go well, but i got to see a little of another town for once. I don’t get to do that very often, so that was a nice bonus. But let’s start from the beginning! I won’t spare any details!!

Pre train trip and fate of my bike?

I woke up at around 7am, to get ready for the train that left at 8:18am. Nothing eventful that morning. Just very nervous. And about 10 minutes before the train would come, and i was about to lock my bike, the lock broke. So i figured. I could either skip this trip just because my bike won’t be safe, and buy a new lock instead, or(!) i could just kinda ish make it seem like my bike was locked and hope that no one touches it before i get home again. Obviously, the first option wasn’t even a consideration! But it was fun kind of thinking if i did that. I would be disappointed in myself if i did.. But hey! More on the fate of my bike later in this post!

So i did the former, and pseudo locked my bike, and jumped on the train! Now, just to give some context. Last fall, i tried to do (If that is how you say it) college. A college that was about two hours away by buss/train (You had to switch mid way), and back then, when i attempted that, i was under a lot of stress. I’d like to think its contributed from an age long since past, when one bad thing happened after another, and i decided to go closeted instead of being open with myself.. But i digress.

Anxiety story and the happy trip to Uppsala

I was under a lot of stress. I had, and still has to a certain extent, anxiety disorder. Something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But back then, i wasn’t able to take the train without flat out bursting out in tears. It was so bad that, at around the end when i had to decide to stop doing college (Which was a little more than a month in), i would sooner walk 1/4th of the way instead of taking the bus. Something that took well over 4 hours to do.
But anyhow. That’s the context. Now, i could actually spend the about two hours on the train, without ever feeling horrible. So that was a huge step for me. I had kind of been a little worried that i might have to suffer through the anxiety of travel with this trip, but luckily, i didn’t. So instead, i got to listen to some podcast and read some news. A really nice trip to Uppsala.

Arrival and complex of a hospital

Then i got there, and just to give you an idea, it is very much spring here in Bollnäs right now, but down in Uppsala (I know.. Weird thing to say. Down in Up-sala, to translate), it was summer. No cool or fresh winds there. Flat out summer. Not that i minded it too much. I was way too excited to care. I didn’t even take off my sweater until much later, that’s how excited i was. Didn’t even care about the heat!
So i walked from the station to the Academic hospital (Which is what it’s called). Didn’t even take 30 minutes until i saw it. This huge complex of a hospital. I only have a few pics of the exterior of the particular hospital building that i was supposed to go to; i’ll remember to take more pics next time i go.

So at the hospital, i decided i would find the main entrance  Something that took about ten minutes to find. Ten minutes of getting lost in a maze of corridors. But i eventually found it, at the very end of where i started (So i apparently, i started at the end, and had to work my way down to the beginning). Let’s just say that they had numbered everything from 10 to 70. Maybe that will give you a small idea of how big it was. It was probably more than 70 too.
So yes, i went to the reception at the main entrance  where i was directed to the correct building (Which was the first building i saw).

Strangely, but perhaps not unexpectedly  it was the most futuristic looking of the buildings in the hospital complex. Imagine mirrors edge, only even more minimalist. I mean, in the foyae, they had a huge branch-less and leaf-less tree-like pole, in the middle of a 6cm (Give or take) rectangular pool.. I don’t know, it was really cool and very well designed. It tickled my fancy.
But to make 15 minutes short, i tried different receptions in that building, and about four (Not counting the one i went to at the main entrance of the complex) or so re-directions later, i was eventually directed to the right place. And as a note, i would like to say that i did get a paper from them, telling me exactly where i should go.. Unfortunately, i didn’t bring it with me. Could have saved me a lot of time and hassle, but oh well. I was too excited to care!

The trans interview!

So at this point, i’m waiting for a doctor to come and get me, at the waiting room of this subsection of this building of this complex. Unless it wasn’t clear enough, this is a fucking huge hospital.
Very excited, i waited. Not listening to anything, not doing anything. Just looking around a little. And then the doctor came to get me, led me to a room in this sub…. Ok, i’ll stop!

So he begins talking with me. Now, there were a lot of questions, and i don’t remember all of them, but i’ll try to tell the good bits and what i can remember. So first, the plan! Both at the beginning and the end of the meeting, he (My doctor’s a trans man) tells me about the plan we have. So first, there’s the initial interview to get a crass idea of where i stand and how i feel about myself, and then there’s the meetings with a few other experts that are gonna get involved (Endo doctor, plastic surgery doctors, other experts in the field, etc). He told me that the way they usually do it is to have a full year of “Making sure”. A process i’m ok with. It sucks i have to, but i understand that we have to. I mean, it is a big thing after all, no matter how sure you are. And besides, it’s almost 100% payed for by the tax payers in Sweden.. Soo…. You know.

Anyhow! As for the questions! I made a Q&A with Jocelyn quite a long time ago, and it kind of reminded me of the questions i asked there. So if you would, please check that one out. Because it reminded me of a big chunk of those questions. But i’ve delayed enough: He asked me things like how often i like to dress up, how i feel when i do it, when i don’t do it; how i feel about my body, if i can look at it; he asked me if i had considered if i was just a crossdresser, androgynous  gender queer, gender fluid, etc. And i have to say, for an initial interview, it was quite extensive. I didn’t even get to everything i wanted to say. I remember saying that i follow other transsexuals on the internet, and how i even read a comic with that central theme. And some other less impactful (for me at least) and non-relevant questions was like, if English was my native language or not. Cause a lot of the time, when i speak, i struggle to find the proper Swedish words for things, because i don’t know that many, apparently  And he also asked about my sexuality, if i was bi, homo, hetro, or something like that. So it was a fairly relaxed and a pretty extensive interview.

Personally, i wouldn’t read too much into it, because every transsexual i know of has said that it’s different for everyone. We’re all different in how we feel and how our process will be towards SRS, transition and all that. And i hope, and very much think that the doctors knows that. You know.. For instance, you can’t very well expect someone to absolutely have to be 100% girly (And vise versa for trans men) in order to qualify as a transsexual. That would be pretty sexist to be honest, male or female. But i don’t expect the worst of the doctors, nor am i very involved at the moment. We’ll have to see what they have to say, and what they can discern.

At the end of the interview, i told him that i’m 99.99% sure of myself, and how my not being 100% is just because i don’t think you can know something for a 100% fact. And that i was really happy to finally start my transition. I’ve noticed my stress getting less and less pronounced as the days go by, and at the moment, i feel really good. Better than i have in a very very very long time. Very long time!

There you have it. The interview. The juicy bits. They told me that i would get a letter for the next appointment in a month or two (They didn’t say that specifically, but they said that summer is coming, and with it, vacations . And, it takes time to talk things through with doctors).
And before i change subject to the rest of the trip, i would just like to say that i didn’t get to say everything i wanted to say. Like my blog. I didn’t think to bring it up in this first interview. Nor did i get to tell more about a certain moment in my life that i’ve been wanting to make a video of for a long time. And i hope my fears for surgery (Because i have a fear of that in general) didn’t make it seem like something else. But other than that, i think i handled it very well.

A long way home! A long wait.. (Picture album)

Now i’m going out of the modern looking building, and with that starts the 4 hour long wait until the train home arrives.. So naturally, i decided to do some sight seeing. I have some pictures and a short video of it, so i’ll let those do most of the talking.

IMG_20130516_121609 IMG_20130516_121713

The building of the complex that i went to

IMG_20130516_122005The forest path leading up to the castle

IMG_20130516_122259 IMG_20130516_122331 IMG_20130516_122342 IMG_20130516_122413The castle, some info on it and the gate to the front yard.

IMG_20130516_122508 IMG_20130516_122526 IMG_20130516_122943Castle bell and cannons. Like i said earlier. This is a 16th century castle.

IMG_20130516_122919 IMG_20130516_124337The cathedral and a small gimps of the old city district

I really loved the forest path they had there, that lead up to the castle (16th-century castle), and the sight from there was pretty great too. Then i went through the streets of the ancient city that used to be there. There was a cathedral and a bunch of really old (But slightly refurnished  looking buildings, and just enjoyed the wonderful weather. At this point, i’m well into chatting with Jocelyn too. I had to tell her that everything went well, and how great everything was. Shared the moment with her, so to speak. We also got a little serious (As we tend to do) with transsexuals and bragging too. How progress pics are so often misconstrued as bragging by a lot of transsexuals. And how their envy shouldn’t be considered. Because like she said, she posts the progress pics to be an inspiration. Which is how we both view it.

But yea.. One burger king visit and a bunch of fumbling around in the city later, i finally sit down at the train station, just to listen to a podcast and rest out for a bit. Because at this point, i’ve been active since around 7am to that point. And with no nervousness and a place in the shade to sit, i could finally breathe out, and relax.

Trip home and wrapping up. Some words of advice and comfort!

The trip home was uneventful, just how i wanted it. Had to make a switch half way, and the trains i took were a little slower. So the trip home took longer than two hours. At around 7pm, i finally get home though. Do you remember what i said earlier in this post? About my bike? Well, it was still there!! Lucky for me, no one had touched it. Unlucky though, i had to go to a store about 20 minutes from the train station, to get a new lock for my bike. So i got there and got a new lock, and then went home. Which was about another 20 minutes or so. At around 8pm, i was sitting at home, and that is where our journey ends.

I’m hoping for an answer as soon as possible. But no matter what, i think i’m stuck in a year long waiting time to start the transition proper (They said hormones would be the first step. And i agree). It’s great having some trans news for once, and wow was it an update indeed. I hope some people found this useful. Even if you just read the interview part of it. As long as you can get something from this, i’m glad! Maybe it’ll give you a good idea of what to expect or how it must feel for people like me.

(Short story) The post-modern man!

I’ve been meaning to start writing more, so i figured i’d start a new segment on my blog where i write short stories. Mainly because i’ve heard that to be a good writer, you just have to start somewhere. And this is my somewhere.

I have a bunch of stories scattered around in comment sections and facebook posts. But today, that ends. I’ll only post to my blog from now on (And maybe deviantart). This first story is called “The post-modern man”:

“I think i’m gonna blame Obama for a few hours. Then i’ll blame the smurfs, that pelican in Aladdin and the Jews. Can’t forget those lying Jews. Then when i’m done blaming all my problems on everyone else, i’ll buy a the latest smartphone. I know i got one a few months ago, but it’s not as shiny, nor does it have as many terraflops (Lol) as my old smartphone. Then when i get my smartphone, i’m gonna make sure all my many followers on instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, craigslist, myspace and orcult knows about how much in debt i just put myself in for making yet another ill-advised purchase. Then i might as well go back to complaining about how the gays are taking over and how they’re responsible for my financial problems. And i won’t go to bed until around 6am. Mainly because i need to stay up to watch cat videos and complain about how much insomnia i have. I know because i diagnosed myself on web-md, you see. Apparently, i also have every cancer, HIV, small pox and “you’re gonna die, Garrett’s” decease.

It’s always the name of a person in those deceases. I could google why that is and learn something, but taking my new smartphone out of my pocket is too much of a hassle, let alone googling it (Not that i know what i should search for to get the results). It’s probably names everywhere because everyone else is bitter about having a decease. I think it’s fantastic to have all these conditions, though. It means i get to be a victim, and everyone will have to bow down to me when i write about all my woes. And anyone who doesn’t will be blocked. No way i’m gonna look at things from a different perspective! Who do they think i am? Einstein?

It’s now 5am. Someone just told me i was a pedant. So i need to stay up three hours longer and write on my blog how i do not look like a pendant. How can everyone else be so blind? Just look at all those beautiful pictures i have on here.. I took at least 48 pictures yesterday. I couldn’t choose which one was the most lustrous of them, so i posted them all, and tagged them with every single popular tag. Including #nofilter. Because everyone needs to know that i am no fake! No makeup, no filters, no nothing. Just my beautiful face and body in all its natural splendor! It’s wonderful being me. If only everyone could see me for the smart, beautiful and fantastic person i am! They would throw parades in my honor, invite me as a guest to all dinner parties, show me all the respect that i deserve. And i would go to north Korea and give world peace to the world! And they will erect statues in my honor, give me the Nobel prize for most handsomest human being alive. And Susanne, the cheerleader in my old school would finally announce her love for me, and we will live happily ever after..”

Suddenly, the sound of an alarm clock echoed through the dirty room. A noise so loud that it made the empty coke bottles on the table next to the couch vibrate. The post-modern man wakes up in a roar of sweat and tears from the extacy of a vivid dream, and thinks to himself: It was just a dream.

This Thursday instead. And trans-names!

So i’ve gotten another time at the expert’s (That’s what i’ll call them. I’m done trying to think up other professional terms to describe what type of person i’m seeing). Apparently, it’s another doctor; the other doctor was still sick, it seemed. Either way, i’m just happy to go down there.
Both the doctor that i was supposed to have seen last time, and this new one that i’m going to instead, seem to both be transsexuals themselves. And i don’t have any reason, other than their names, to suspect that. It seems that, when people get to pick their own names, they tend to pick some very unique ones (For the country, that is). I mean, i call myself Jenna. A name that is quite common in America, apparently, but not so much in Sweden, i can assure you. The doctor i’m seeing has a very delightful name too, and a non-transgender friend i have changed her name to “Yue”. To me, though, it’s usually a sign of a transsexual. Because unless you have a unisex name (Like Kim), and you like it, you will most likely change your name.

But i digress. I’ve ordered my tickets and will be heading up there around 8am, in time for my appointment at 11am. Feeling pretty eager to go. It’s been too long of a waiting time, and i’m ready!

Other than this, not much has been going on in my life. Not that i’m complaining. Sometimes, it’s good when things are slow. It was a wonderful day yesterday. Reason why i love spring, for sure. That kind of weather!
I guess there’s one other thing on my mind though.. Something that i wouldn’t mind getting an answer to. I’ve been trying to get in contact with someone who i used to chat with all the time, but all of a sudden decided to not reply anymore. And i just don’t know what to make of it. Because i considered her my friend, but what kind of friend just ignores you out of the blue? You know, just one day, leaves without saying as much of a beep. And i know for a fact that she’s seen what i’ve written, and that she’s there, and available.. You know.. Enough to tell me that she’s busy or doesn’t have the time. Anything!

I just don’t know. Is it too much to ask of someone to show respect, have some etiquette and to just be friendly? My lesson is that, unless i get some other type of contact with that person (Any other than just text), i don’t think i could consider it much of a friendship. So yes. Kind of bummed about this. But oh well.

Open letter to Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I’m calling you out!

I want to bring some context to this before writing the letter.
A few days ago, i watched a video with the young Turks (embedded bellow) where Cenk Uygur equated transsexuals with ugly. Now, this isn’t the first time he’s been expressing an anti-transsexual sentiment. He’s been expressing that attitude on numerous occasions. But this time, when it’s so blatant and so recent, i feel that it’s a good time to write about it. I’ll try to be as brief as i can.

Before anything, let me apologize in advance. My native language is not English. So there will be grammatical and spelling errors.

I really enjoy The Young Turks. Mainly because i find myself in disagreement with you guys a lot of the time, and because you often bring a fresh view on issues.
When you guys do the “Supreme court”, where we get to hear everyone’s stances and opinions on an issue (Sometimes multiple issues), i think we as viewers ends up well informed. All thanks to the great staff at The Young Turks.

Then you bring to light the less covered stories that mainstream media just won’t report on. Stories like the “Heroes” of that one football team, in that one town, who raped that girl (Not the story that mainstream media did report on, but one before that), comes to mind; horrible to hear about, but i thought it was important that you guys reported on it! You more often than not make me feel that your reporting isn’t like the mainstream, which focuses more on silly things. Like if Taffy is a racist candy or not.

The humorous moments and the lighthearted stories are always a nice break from the very heavy stuff you bring to light. The road to nowhere April 1st episode was very delightful.
All of these aspects of the show makes TYT, The Young Turks, one of the best news shows out there..
However. I’m not sure of your stance on transsexuals. And i have one reason to be unsure — and i want to be fair about this. I haven’t actually heard you explain it anywhere, you’ve just been anti-transsexual, seemingly without knowing it.
You guys sometimes bring up very stupid issues that aren’t really issues, and you start complaining like any other typical liberal would. And that’s all fine and dandy. It’s just the nature of the show. You guys are the liberal show, and that is fine. I am fine with it, we’re fine with it. We all have political leanings, and it’s just the nature of the game, i can’t stress that enough.
But to me, that brings something to mind. Which is that you obviously care about when sexism is being perpetrated, or homophobia, or racism, etc. But like the video at the top demonstrates, you have no issues with calling transsexuals ugly. Just generally.. We’re all ugly. And this isn’t the first time i hear this anti-transsexual sentiment from you, mr.Uygur. It’s happened on numerous occasions. And it just seems strange, because you’ll jump at the most minute, to me, non-issues, when someone as much as makes a joke based on gender/race/etc, and you will tip toe around women’s issues and homosexual issues by saying that you don’t obviously mean something, or that you’re saying it jokingly (Seriously, you always excuse yourself too much. We know at this point that you’re not anti-women or anti-gay or a racist). What we don’t know, however, is your stance on transsexuals. Which is my question to you. What exactly are your feelings towards transsexuals? What’s your stance on transsexuals? It’s unclear to me, and i would like to know, please. Because right now, i feel that you’re just disrespecting us on a purely visceral basis. Which is contrary to every other stance you take. Stances that are thought out.

Thank you for reading.

As a reference, here’s one example of, what to me, is an overreaction: 

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