Dysphoria and girl characters
I woke up today feeling pretty dysphoric. Still do. It started by reading one of Jocelyn’s facebook updates. And before i say anything else, i should note that it wasn’t solely because of it. I was already feeling pretty bad for some other reasons. Also, i’m really happy for her to have been in that situation. She deserves it, without a doubt. Such a pretty woman. ^w^
But yea.. I read that, and it lingered in my mind for the whole day. I kept thinking “What have i done? Where am i?”, and i got a little frustrated at still not haven gotten a response from the transgender experts (They go by many names, apparently). I know that my anxiety doctor (Because i do not know the names of all the terms) told me that i would be getting a date to come down to them now in April. But still.. I feel horrible presenting as male all the time, and the only time i feel good anymore is when i dress up.
I guess the other thing that has been on my mind as of late is my past. Since i wrote and read about Dani and her game, i’ve been thinking about my experience in games, and i’ve come to.. not realize, but reinforced.. My feelings in the past, about myself, was always that there must have been something wrong with me. And for the longest time, i tried to just ignore myself. But i’ve already written about that quite a number of times, so i won’t go much more into it.
But my thoughts went to my time playing pokémon crystal. One of the best experiences i’ve had, as a child. And i mean, i owned silver and all, but finally being able to pick a girl character was big to me. I got a little obsessed with the game, i suppose. But there isn’t much you can do when it makes you feel so fucking good. Back then, i couldn’t put it to words exactly. Or rather, the way that i externalized it was basically with shyness and hate for myself. Why should a stupid character in a stupid game matter? But it did.
I feel very nervous and hopeful about this month. I can’t wait to finally start my transition. I’m so tired of treading the same ground over and over again.
Anyhow. I wanted to talk a little about my future plans too.
I was thinking of getting a scale or something, so i can finally weigh myself. It’ll probably be slightly depressing at first, but i feel that i need it for my plans. I was thinking this summer, to lose weight. I live very close to a mountain that i always enjoyed walking up, and spring has basically made the entire road to the top bare now. So what better time than now?