Epiphany. To all transsexuals and everyone else
I’ve had these thoughts nibbling away at me the past few days.. and perhaps even the past few years. And i feel that i’m in a stage where i can express them and externalize them. So i’m going to do that now.
For a longer time than i would like to admit, i’ve been worried about everything. More specifically, i worry about friends. I have difficulties keeping friends. And i know why. It’s because i worry too much. I worry that i’m going to lose them. I worry that they’ll feel bad about me, that they’re going to think less of me, that they’re not having a good time being with me. All these fears and worries i have. One person that comes to mind is Jocelyn. I’ve talked about her a lot on this blog as of late, and i adore her a lot. But i’ve had all these fears about her. THat she’s going to become a radical feminist, where she thinks that she’s been blind her whole life, and that she’s not seen all the harassment she’s going through 24/7. Or that she’ll become so popular that she’ll forget about all the fun interactions we’ve had, and the experiences we’ve shared with one another.
Sadly, i can’t really call her a friend. I’ve never met her. I call her an internet friend, and i would like to change it to friend. Someone who i can be there for, someone who can be there for me. Someone to have fun with. Someone to do stuff with. But what’s going to happen if i worry a lot, that she’ll just start ignoring me? What does that say about me? On an intellectual level, i need to be able to say to myself: What is wrong with you, woman? What on the holy earth that is this planet, are, you, worried, about?? That things are going to go STRAIGHT to the toilet, never to be seen again!
And i have got to stop that. I have got to stop worrying. Of course i’m always going to want to be able to share stuff with Jocelyn and all the other friends i have to. But if i worry to lose them all the time, guess what? It’s going to end up being true. A person’s worries about these sorts of things always shines right through them. No matter how hard he or she is trying to hide it. And until i can overcome these feelings, i will never be able to keep a good friend. I will be forever alone.
And another thing is that i need to stop being so negative all the time. I need to stop worrying about things that are outside of my reach. I need to. I need, i need, i need… That’s another thing. Stop being egocentric. It’s not about my needs. It’s just about being a good person. Just be yourself, to your best ability, and stop worrying, and stop thinking about who you dislike, and all of that nonsense. It’s a rabbitwhole that leads NOWHERE! And you need to stop chasing down it. Just dig yourself out of it, and stop whining!
So.. I finally, after months of feeling horrible, managed to buy myself some more makeup. Which will be fun. And that’s what it needs to be about. The good things in life.
It might seem small, but it feels big to me. This is to all the transsexuals out there: Be strong. Summon up the courage i know you have inside of you. Do what you know is right, and do it at your own pace. Stay strong.
And to the rest of you. Heed my advice. Don’t be a dumb shit (To quote Timothy Bishop). Life is too short to worry and to limit yourself only to yourself. Live life to its fullest. You know as well as i do that you can reach that full life.
Take care everybody. And thank you for reading.