Archive | February 2013

A transsexual blog

I wrote to Jocelyn today, and i had an epiphany while writing. I don’t use this blog to write about my transgender issues anymore. I told as much to her, stating that when writing to her, i get a lot out of my system. Like me breaking the mirror, or feeling particularly dysphoric. It’s true though. I feel worse about myself than i have in quite some time. Like just this morning, when i had a shower. Sometimes, that can be a tough act to do. Especially when you’re in my position, where you can’t even look yourself in the mirror without feeling utter disappointment. That i won’t even dress the way i want to. To be who i am.

It’s not the easiest thing to write about, and it’s always nice to occupy my brain with fiction and escapism.. But i know that will just lead to even more depression. So where do i stand right now? Well, i’ve hyped a meeting i’ll get with some experts to the point where i feel that i will be let down by them.

I feel like kind of a wreck right now, to be honest. Sure, my anxiety problems has been getting much better, and i have been getting some stuff out to a person i see on a week to week basis. So things are happening. I just wish my month long wait to get an answer from the academic institute in upsala (Which is where it’s at) would come to an end. I’m so anxious to get to them and just spill my metaphorical guts at them. But.. In due time. I have to be patient.

In lighter news. Tried out the camera on my phone (filming-wise) today, and i have to say that i really like the quality. The sound seem to pick up pretty nicely too.
Oh, and google accepted a 360 panorama i took of an empty center in my town. Just follow this link Nexus 4 is one of the first google phones to have this feature built in. I must say that it ends up looking pretty good. It’s great software for sure.

I guess that’s all i really want to say right now.  I had some more thoughts, but i really gotta get going. It’s almost time for my nightly midnight walks (It’s a little over 10pm at the moment).


Seth MacFarlane quote

“Django is a movie where a woman is subjected to violence, or as we call it, a Chris Brown and Rihanna date movie”

Fuck freedom of speech. Er.. i mean. I do not care very much for other people’s ability to say things i don’t care for, and i want it banned

Alternative title: Ultra liberals continued war on free speech.

Seriously though. Enough with all this fucking wine on comedians. Have a fucking sense of humor and get over yourself, you ugly, moronic, sad, lonely excuse for a human being. You’re a disgrace to the free world that some of us actually believe in, want to live in, work to achieve.
At the very least, realize that some people have a sense of humor. Maybe you also laugh at some jokes (Although i highly doubt it), in which case, realize that some people have a different.. very different kind of humor from yours. Not everyone laughs at Tinkywinky as he makes tubby cream for his friends. Not everyone’s forté.

So yea.. Fuck you.

The reason why i made this post today was to make a statement. To prove a point. To fight censorship and people who don’t believe in free speech. I’m going to write Seth McFarlane’s joke in this post. And know that i do so, only because people were offended by it. No other reason. In fact, had people not decided that this is what they’re offended by now, i wouldn’t even have known that he made this joke. In fact, i wouldn’t have known about Daniel Tosh either. Or any other comedian you’ve decided to take seriously (Piece of advice for all you ultra liberals. You’re supposed to take politicians seriously. People who make decisions of huge proportions. Not comedians, who crack jokes). So here it is. I actually laughed a lot at this, and i’ve already spread it to various networks. So i guess i should also be thankful for turning me on to this.

“Django is a movie where a woman is subjected to violence, or as we call it, a Chris Brown and Rihanna date movie”

Appendix: Privileges

I went for a walk as soon as i got done writing those two new posts yesterday, and while walking, i figured out a few more pretty big things about privileges. Now, i know i’m basically the ultimate enemy of feminism at this point. I’ve done several posts about it, i belong to uber opressed grewpz, and i won’t accept their religious dogma on its face value. In fact, i think it’s fake as fake can be. Equal rights isn’t exactly what they’re striving for, but rather, to make the world kiss their feet. That’s how i view feminism.

So here’s some more privileges i think matters far more than the difference between genders.

  • Beauty privileges — It’s often said that beautiful people live in a completely different world. They don’t truly know what the world is like. Because from the time that they’re born, to the time when their bodies finally start getting old and wrinkly  they get everything served to them. All their jokes are automatically funny, everything they create is automatically beautiful, the songs they write are fantastic, and simply being around them is a pure joy for most people. Then they get old. They start to realize that you actually have to work for things. That the only reason why people even cared to begin with was because you were beautiful. Oh, and they can totally snipe someone’s acting gig in a heartbeat, and they can be models too.
  • Extrovert privileges — Introverts has a much harder time getting connections with people. Which makes it harder to get jobs. They’re usually not liked by people. There’s a social stigma against introverts. If you want to know more, then check out schrojones on Deviantart. He knows far more about it than i do, and can more accurately tell you the privileges differences between introverts and extroverts.
  • Tall people privileges — Tall people don’t have to worry about people messing with them nearly as much, if ever, as people of “normal length”.. Let alone people of short length. Tall people have it easier finding his or her way in a crowd. And if you read any study on being tall, or if you engage in a social experiment yourself, you’ll quickly realize that tall people are just better treated than people of normal length or short length. It’s such a strange thing that is in our subconsious. But it is there, don’t take my word for it.
  • Slim trim people privileges —  I don’t need to go through a list of all the social stigmas, misconceptions and just how bad fat people are treated on this planet, to get you to understand why slim and trim people has it so much better in this world. And that’s just the social part of it. Never mind all the illnesses and physical pains a fat people go through. If you want to know more, i recommend checking out boogie on youtube. He’s a fat person with a lot of charisma and character. He’s truly had to work on himself in his life.
  • Charismatic and charm privileges — People born with a lot of charisma. They seem to be able to do whatever, and still be liked by everyone. Only, unlike beautiful people, they can get through their whole life without ever having to know what it’s like to be a person of no charisma. Christopher Walken comes to mind. He’s really nothing special as an actor. But he has a lot of charisma and charm. People like that just has it easier in some ways.
  • Mentally ill — People with mental illnesses are by and large misunderstood in this world, and they’re seemingly blocked by an invisible wall that most people will say (Just walk passed it, it’s easy). No. That wall is in the way, and just because it’s easy for a normal person to walk through it, it must be easy for everyone else too. Again, there are a lot of social stigmas and misconceptions about this too. It isn’t until very recently that we stopped treating it like they’re possessed by a demon, and we can now treat these people.
  • Physically disabled — On one hand, everyone feels sympathetic towards you, and you get a lot of shit easier as a physically disabled person (Be it just a leg injury, or something more serious, like brain damage or paralyzing) by people being sympathetic. On the other hand, it makes life much much harder, and that sympathy isn’t always welcome either. Quite frankly, it can feel condecending and patronizing at times. And it can make you feel useless. Obvious privileges that the non-physically disabled has, so i won’t say too much here.
  • Sexuality — In a lot of countries, the simple act of loving the same gender gets misconstruded to the point where marriage between such “sexual deviants” are prohibited. Let alone expressing yourself or being a homosexual. There is such a thing as “coming out” as a homosexual. Homosexuals has to fight for their rights. For their basic human rights. Hetrosexuals has so many more privileges than homosexuals has.
  • Cisgender privileges — I didn’t bring this up yesterday because i feel that i have too many biases to speak objectivly about this. But as a transsexual myself, i’ve had to experience first hand, the aggression and feeling of unease that cisgender people has when confronted with a transsexual. It’s quite amazing how mean and out right reptilian that people can get from just being near a transsexual. The privileges cisgender people has should be obvious.. Again.
  • Religious privileges — People getting disowned by atheists for being Christian, people coming out as Christian to atheist parents. Both of those scenarios doesn’t exist. As far as i can tell, it never happens this way. The other way around though. Yes. In highly religious countries, atheists are oppressed to a larger or lesser extent. Misconceptions is something an American atheist has to deal with everyday. Discrimination at work. Being open about being an atheist just sucks in countries like America. And if you are in a theocracy, it’s far worse. You won’t live to tell about it. And it’s not just atheists. I know a few Christian Iranians who had to move because of Muslims trying to kill them for being Christian. Same nationality, same skin color.. Just not religion. Fucking sick.

Some are repeats from yesterday. But i left out most of them to focus on what i didn’t bring up then. And yea.. I think all of these factors matter far more than what gender you are, to be perfectly honest with you. They kind of have dibs on gender privileges.

And one last thing. Just being different or being considered a deviant (By just being yourself) is enough to have less privileges than those who follow social norms (By just being who they are). Those who conform to social mores.
Like i said yesterday: Struggle is a human universal. Even if you’re able bodied, slim, trim, intelligent, “Normal”, tall, cisgender, of your country’s decent, etc. Even if all of that is to your advantage, you still have to struggle in life. And you complaining that your group has it worse just makes you look like a narrow minded little child, who wants to make their struggles seem so much worse than the struggles of other groups. Not understanding that at the end of the day, it’s mainly subjective.

An update. Still waiting..

So i made the skies of arcadia post and now the Swede privileges post. Not too happy about either. I feel that i could have written them so much better, to be honest. But hey, it’s great to get my ideas and feelings out.

Still haven’t heard from the transsexual expert yet.. Kind of losing hope about that. Atop of that, i got all depressed at reading other transgender people going through their life. I get that sometimes. I wanted to congratulate Jocelyn on all her success, but i just couldn’t bare to read about her new updates. She’s 4 months in now. Which is awesome and all. But it makes me feel left out and down right depressed for not making more progress. I don’t even know how i’m gonna go about it. I hope seeing the expert will prove enlightening.

Been feeling better with my stress as of late, so that’s good. Finally been able to get a good situation going. I’m not doing work training (It’s something i could get into with the social programs and with some help from my aunt, whom i’ve mentioned a few times in the past) Tuesday and Thursday, from 1pm to 3pm. Getting a lot of time with people in general, and a lot of exercise.
But.. Like most people with anxiety disorder will tell you, i don’t want to talk about it too much. Jinxing and all that..

So yea.. Recorded my voice for the first time a few days ago. Lost the recording though. I really feel like starting making videos. Get things off my chest.
And that’s about all i had to say. Take care.

Swede privilages

I’ve spent many a-hours and even days pondering privileges as of late. What kind of privileges do we all have? You hear it from feminists especially. They always espouse the male privilege question. “Oh, men has so many privileges in our world”. And sure, they do. Like you’ll hear. They won’t have to worry too much about rape on a day-to-day basis, they’re also stronger, which comes with a lot of advantages. And you could go on with the male privileges. Certain advantages that men just has.
But is that all though? Is that the only set of privileges of a group worth discussing? And is it even that big of a deal, to be a man? Cats are usually said to be one of the most successful animals on the planet. They have all the privileges and none of the responsibilities. But let’s just focus on the privileges of humans instead of going down that rabbit hole. Swedish privileges. We get free healthcare, we have a lot of great social programs for all kinds of people, we have a lot of freedoms that the vast majority of countries could only dream of having (Like “Allemansrätten”, our crém de la crém), our government isn’t nearly as corrupt as the vast majority of countries, we have a good educational system, knowing two languages comes naturally to most of us here (Which means we can communicate very well.. Also a privilege, i’d say), etc. Looking at a country like, let’s say, USA, i could consider myself to be privileged to be a Swedish citizen. My Swede privileges come shining through. Yet, i complain about how we have it here. Because Norway has it better. Norwegian privileges are far better than Swedish privileges. They have no debt, their country handles terrorism like fucking badasses, they speak like the most friendly people on earth, their nature is pristine and illustrious (Fucking Lofoten, fucking please..).

But enough about countries various privileges over one another. What about other ones? Economic privileges. You’re born in a rich family. Compared to most people in your country, you have many more advantages than they have. You’re very privileged. You pretty much won’t ever have to worry about a job. Your future is safe. If it’s not for the many contacts you will no doubt have, it’s your parents. Racial and national privileges. I’m of Swedish decent, so naturally, i will have it easier in my country than people who doesn’t have it. People of Iraqian decent, people of a different skin color. People who dare to speak in an accent that will sure to rile up the Swedish rednecks. I’m privileged.

And men and women. Like i stated before. Male privileges. But what about female privileges? We can make a guy think with the wrong head, and make that an advantage. I know a lot of independent, strong and smart women who exploit that over and over again. Get drinks for free, get men to carry our shit (I’ve done this a few times myself), have a much easier time to crash in men’s places (So long as you know them even remotely well. We’ll pretty much get dibs automatically for being female), we won’t get in fights as much as men (And when we do, they’re usually not as brutal as guy’s tend to make it), we can dress in a lot more outfits due to society’s pressure on guys to not “seem gay”. I could go on. But i won’t.. But i could.

What have i learned from thinking about this? Struggle is a human universal. It seems to me that we all struggle. Be it the rich snob on wallstreet who wants to take away pensions from 100s of workers just to make another million bucks. Or some fisher, getting by in a tough economy and climate change.
These complaints that all these groups have, are all legit. You could probably think of even more. Bottom line is that we all have complaints. Good complaints. Legitimate ones. Here’s an idea. Let’s strive to fix them. Instead of pointing fingers and expecting a group with more (How you can quantify that is way beyond me) privileges than you to kiss your feet because they’re oppressing you by just being. That’s the problem i see. I don’t see good men doing nothing. I see stupid men doing the wrong thing.

Skies of arcadia. Done and done

I just got done playing skies of arcadia for the second time. And damn is that a great game. Few games captures the essence of what an adventure is, like that one. Sure, it has its glaring problems that just hasn’t aged too well these days, and it can be very cheesy at times. But it’s an overall pleasant, grand (Seriously, it’s over 40 hours long) and fulfilling experience, in my book.

I first played it about 7 years ago. The reason why i remember it so well is because at the time, i was stuck at home, with -1 face. It was a early pre-snow winter morning like any other, and i was taking the bike to school, like i always do. Not even one minute of biking later, a car appeared, forcing me to make a sharp turn to avoid it. A sharp turn on slippery ice. Naturally, i fell. Normally, when i fall on my bike, it’s nothing serious at all. The worst that happens is that i get bruises on my arm. But this time, i must not have been so lucky. Because half my face was basically destroyed, i broke some bones on my left hand, and my lips were busted. So i had to take the better part of a month to heal before going back to school. During this time, i could hardly eat, and i didn’t want to go outside, looking the way i did, all bandaged up.

So what were i to do? Well, i booted up skies of arcadia, for the first time. My little brother had gotten it around that time for his game cube (Along with Luigi’s mansion and super mario sunshine). Now, it wasn’t the first time i had ever seen the game. I had watched a full playthrough of the game a few years before playing it. Back when i would often watch my big brother play games. He played the dreamcast version back when.

But anyway. I really enjoyed the time i had in it. It’s not a game i’ll go back to anytime soon. I mean, it’s just too slow paced to be played regularly. So, i’m sorry, but it’s not going to go into my anual list. Like golden sun (Which is the superior game) or any number of Zelda games. But maybe one day, i will pick it up again. When my memories of it has faded, and i feel the itch for an adventure again.

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