What is a friend? And what are mine?
“A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
I have a few people in my life that i can call acquiescence, at the very least. But the more i think of it, the more i realize that i have no friends. I know how awfully self-pitying that sounds, but it’s true.
I try to make someone feel better. Someone i know. But it’s not really mutual. It’s just me. Trying my damnedest to be friends with her.
Then there’s a few on the internet who it would be cool to be friends with. But the issue there is that it’s far from mutual. It’s always me, who tries to get in contact. And it ‘s always they who inexplicably just stops replying. I’ve address this a few times, and it’s always “I’m too busy, and i’ve dun goofed in forgetting it”. So to them, that’s my value i guess. Don’t get me wrong though! I do understand that people are busy, and that i am only just one random person on the internet. But it also hinders me from getting friends. I mean, what am i to do? A lonely transsexual in a hillbilly one horse town?
My issue is that i don’t feel the mutual bond. It never plays out that way. I guess the closest now a-days is Darin. But i can’t really say i know him. Some kind of mutual bond does exist though. I think, at least.
That’s the problem when talking about friends.. You never know what the other ones think. This turned into a rambling piece again.. How typical. I can’t seem to get my mind straight anymore.
All i know is that i’ve secluded myself from people, and now i’m trying to dig myself out of it. With no one here to help me, outside of my family. Which is all well and good. But i do miss a friend.
I’ll leave off with this:
I think i will be taking a long walk now, and just listen to some podcasts. I’m not going to feel self-pity. It’s counterproductive. Just like my anxiety.