Archive | October 2012

Day 190-191: Bipolar disorder

Lots of podcasts. About mental illnesses, stephen fry, bipolar disorder and dream theater. George Takei on Penn’s sunday school.


Been out walking for most of this day, and yesterday. Listening to a lot of podcasts. I have to say. I have no idea what i would have done without podcasts. I would probably have gotten sick of my music a long time ago, and i wouldn’t have as much to think about.

Listened to the full, what i think is, 3 hours, of Stephen Fry talking about bipolar disorder. About his own struggles, where he’s going next with it (Medication, therapy, etc) and how it’s getting worse for him. He also talked to various people who had undergone a lot of different therapy to feel better. And talked about detaining the hyper manic. How it works. Basically the whole thing. It was very moving to hear, and i think it’s very courageous of him to be so open about it.

I can’t really say that i personally am suffering from bipolar disorder though. Just a lot of anxiety, in what i think is anxiety disorder. I’m hoping that it’ll get better as soon as i move out.

Lastly, i’ve been listening to penn on his podcast, where he had George Takei on, to talk about various things. One of which was George’s efforts to educate the american public on the racist prison camps that came about during the WW2. Very interesting stuff, since he was about 5 years old at the time. I recommend checking it out.


Again, i can point to dream theater when it comes to mental illnesses, since they wrote a whole album about the subject (Six degrees of inner turbulence)

This one is expressly about bipolar disorder. From what i understand, it explains it pretty well.
Another song about another mental illness, which also wraps up the whole album (The finale), explains how we basically need to stop discriminating against those of us who are suffering from a mental illness. Highly recommend that one as well.


What is a friend? And what are mine?

“A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

I have a few people in my life that i can call acquiescence, at the very least. But the more i think of it, the more i realize that i have no friends. I know how awfully self-pitying that sounds, but it’s true.
I try to make someone feel better. Someone i know. But it’s not really mutual. It’s just me. Trying my damnedest to be friends with her.

Then there’s a few on the internet who it would be cool to be friends with. But the issue there is that it’s far from mutual. It’s always me, who tries to get in contact. And it ‘s always they who inexplicably just stops replying. I’ve address this a few times, and it’s always “I’m too busy, and i’ve dun goofed in forgetting it”. So to them, that’s my value i guess. Don’t get me wrong though! I do understand that people are busy, and that i am only just one random person on the internet. But it also hinders me from getting friends. I mean, what am i to do? A lonely transsexual in a hillbilly one horse town?

My issue is that i don’t feel the mutual bond. It never plays out that way. I guess the closest now a-days is Darin. But i can’t really say i know him. Some kind of mutual bond does exist though. I think, at least.
That’s the problem when talking about friends.. You never know what the other ones think. This turned into a rambling piece again.. How typical. I can’t seem to get my mind straight anymore.
All i know is that i’ve secluded myself from people, and now i’m trying to dig myself out of it. With no one here to help me, outside of my family. Which is all well and good. But i do miss a friend.

I’ll leave off with this:


Source: ZenPencils

I think i will be taking a long walk now, and just listen to some podcasts. I’m not going to feel self-pity. It’s counterproductive. Just like my anxiety.

Day 189: Anxiety is a mother fucking bitch

Slow sunday. Stephen Fry, podcasting and walking. Anxiety disorder material.


Been a typical sunday today. Nothing happening, no updates, no nothing. So i’ll just briefly explain what i’ve been doing today.

Been out walking for the most part. Feeling pretty content in the sun at this time of year. Pretty much winter here now.
Been listening to more stuff you should know. On the 4x mark now, so i’m getting down there. The episodes i heard was about lucid dreams and brainwashing and more. Then i also listened to some Stephen Fry and friends, talking about Hitchens. So that was great. Going to listen to Stephen Fry talk about his manic depression tomorrow. That’ll be very interesting for sure.

Then i’ve been thinking of a serious image change for myself as soon as i move out. I want to expand my outlook of the world too.. Going to try to figure out how later on. I just don’t know what to do.


Going to feature a lot of good things that explain anxiety disorder:

Day 187-188: Final stretch of this long chapter of my life.

A whole lot of life updates. Mario 64 multiplayer rom hack.


Been a slow day today and yesterday, so i won’t have much to report on. I talked with the woman who currently lives in the apartment i’m moving into soon, and she said that i could get a view on it  around the middle of november. So a few weeks from now. I might be able to move in about 2 or even 3 weeks before the set date as well. So that should be exciting. I guess i’ll learn more on that when i go see it in a few weeks from now.

Ah yes. And all that paperwork has been taken care of now. So now i play the waiting game. They’ll apparently make a decision this Wednesday, and it looks as if i will be getting a grant, i guess is the right word for it. Might be using the wrong word though. It’s nice to have it done now though.

Oh, and i got some info on when the psychiatrist clinic (I might be using the wrong words for all of that) might send a letter about my next appointment too. I should  be getting that info this coming week. So a lot of good news actually. But that’s about it. It’s mostly down to wait now.

Aside from fixing with my life, i have been listening to “Stuff you should know”. I still have about 50 episodes to go through, out of the 70+ i downloaded. Highly recommend the podcast.


Apparently, you can play Mario 64 multiplayer with a romhack now. So that’s pretty awesome. I might play it with my big brother later.

I think it’s safe to say that the motivation behind killing these two women was for their “sexual perversion”, as i am sure the murderers would address it. Although.. perhaps i am too rash in assuming all this. One thing that’s for certain though, is that it was defiantly a big part of why they were brutally murdered. Which is nuts. I mean, how can a group of people be so offended by some difference in their surrounding, that they would resort to murdering. I bet you anything that they think they’re doing the world a service by doing it. But the truth of the matter is that, killing someone who’s not doing anything physical against you, or even threatening to do any physical harm against you, makes you the bad guy. It makes you the problem. You’re part of what’s wrong with this world. You’re what’s impeding progress. You’re intolerant, and you need to be dealt with, by being locked inside bars, so that you can’t cause anymore harm than you’ve already done.
And this delusion you have that you’re doing people a service by killing inocent people, is laughable, and it pushes the society you belong to towards a savage tribalistic shithole, to be perfectly honest with you.


THE GUERRILLA ANGEL REPORT — Information put together from two sources indicates another Turkish trans woman had her throat slit open and bled to death. EMTs were called but 25-year-old Serap was dead at the scene. Police plan to begin a murder investigation, starting with an autopsy.

Disturbing is that Serap’s death follows the July throat slashing of Secil Anne — both of these victims were living in Antalya, Turkey.

Here’s what I wrote about the July killing: “Secil Anne’s murder however, is especially ominous as it comes a month after a group of about 100 neighbors in Antalya protested the transgender sex workers in the area that were “disturbing” to them. While the police say they do patrol the area and charge sex workers when caught, however, the group of neighbors said then they would be ‘patrolling the area with bats.'”

Read more about the July killing:

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Day 186: Youtube talk

Some future plans. Youtube, and a lot more future plans.


Been getting the last papers i need for tomorrow, today. Can’t wait until tomorrow’s done though, and everything’s official. Which would make 99.99% chance of moving to my own place, into 100%, more or less. Going to call the person who’s currently in that apartment tomorrow too. Just to see what it looks like. I’ll make sure to take some pics.

Thought a little about what i’ll do when i move into my own place. I’m going to do something i should have done a long time ago. Although, at first, i will quit making daily blogs on here, and move onto weekly-ish posts. Just to ramp up the quality. Then i think i will start making videos on youtube. I thought about my goals with that. One is to bring closure to something that has been bogging me a little. For you see, i really haven’t made much progress in my life since the time that i broke up with someone i just to love. So i figured i would post my final thoughts on there, and lay that chapter of my life to rest, and move on with my life. I feel that this is what i need to do. Trust me, it’ll be worth it. Another goal of the youtube channel would be to improve my English. I feel that speaking it would help with that. Because my expertise with the language lies mostly in writing, to be honest. Let’s see… What other goals would i have with it? I feel that i could get a lot off my chest with it. Maybe script a few things, and do a verity channel of sorts. I feel that i want to try my hand at it. My main goal at first will be to bring closure to my old life, and hopefully, later on, i will be able to spread some info on transsexuals and what not. I feel the world needs to know more about us. I want to promote a bunch of transgender stuff i find, and get the word out there.


Bill Maher being Bill Maher:

Day 185: Stuff you should know!

Minish cap! Compiling paper. A lot of transgender talk. And Bill Hicks.


Been playing the Minish cap for most of the day today. It’s basically the least popular Zelda game in existence. Although, still one of my favorites. I might actually squeeze in one more hour after i’m done writing this blog.

Anyhow. The most important thing i did today was that i went to the bank to get some papers. So now i have papers from the doctor about my anxiety, papers from the bank, and some other papers. Going to compile and stuff tomorrow with my aunt, so that i’m ready for Thursday, when i’m going to meet with a person who will finalize the agreement, so that i can get money for my own place. It’ll be awesome! My aunt will accompany me too, so i feel very confident.

Aside from all that, i’ve been lost in thought about my trans issues. Or as i suspect it to be, dysphoria. My mom, despite knowing about my trans issues, called me a guy. And i wish i could explain why it hurts me. Why it leaves me distraught and just in thought. But i don’t think i can. I had to consult with a friend of mine about it, because i just feel so silly, to get upset at such a small thing. But apparently, she has it the same way.

It’s been a day of thought for me. Actually, i listened to a great podcast i recently discovered called “Stuff you should know”. I downloaded about 30 of their episodes from their entire back-catalog. One of which was an episode about genderreassignment surgery, and how it’s done. What transsexuals go through. The whole thing, more or less.

It made me very hopeful for the future, but also a little scared. But that’s a good thing. It’s just the natural part of the nervousness and excitement that comes with it. I know it’ll be a long path, but i will see it through to the end. It’s funny.. A lot of times when i’ve wanted to go through with something. I can’t think of any examples, but i do know that i tend to want to quit, the more i learn about something. I guess you could say that anything daunting, i’m not privy to. Except for this. It’s quite the challenge. It’ll be awesome though. Bring it!

Oh, and lastly. If i haven’t gotten an answer from the psychiatrist i came in contact, and a new time at their specific clinic in the next week or so, i should contact them.

Quite an eventful day. Most of the week will be eventful.


Listened to a lot of Bill Hicks this morning:

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