Anxiety disorder, dysphoria and transgender social issues

Anxiety disorder
Imagine feeling exhausted constantly. Couple that with headaches, head
spinning, cold sweating. You can’t concentrate on anything. No matter
what you do, you’ll always feel a numbing sensation. You get sleep
deprevation because of it. Where others might just be able to lay own
and and fall asleep, you simply can’t. You have to adapt a strategy
which will slowly ease you into the right state of mind. That, or
you’ll pass out from pure exhaustion, around 4am to 6am. Either way,
the lack of sleep just makes it worse.
You long to get sick, feel tired to the point where you’re almost
fainting, or so sad that you’re crying, or even depression. Because
then you’ll feel something other than anxiety, and for a moment,
you’ll be calm. You try to do something you like, and no one around
you understands the issue of just sitting down to draw something. To
them, it’s just a simple task, but to you, it’s a huge wall.
Socializing is equally as hard. Your head starts racing and you lose
all the focus, and the conversation comes to a dead halt, where your
body language is telling everyone that you no longer want to be
there.. No.. Where you no longer can be there. You have to go, you
have to leave, you have to run. So long as you can bring back some
amount of balance to your already troubled mind.

Dysphoria.
I’m trying to be poinient, because even fewer people know what this is
like, and i feel that if i can be as emotional and truthful as
possible, it will convay the message more clearly.
A lot of people will compare our strives, to beauty obssessed people.
“Well, no one’s happy with their looks”. But that’s not the point at
all. I’m not aiming to be happy with my looks per see, but rather, to
be myself. To be the person i am within. To be able to look at myself
in the mirror and see me in it.
There’s really no easy way to explain what can be best summed up with
“I’m a woman trapped inside of a man’s body”. How do i elaborate on
this? I feel that my body is not my own. I feel it doesn’t represent
me. I feel like i live inside of a lie. A lie i want to break free
from.
How do i explain how much it can hurt when someone just calls you a
he. When someone refers to you as a male. I just want to show you my
true self. My body is not my own.
The social aspects of what we’re going through, for those who might
not have realized it, is not very good. My family is relavily
accepting, minus my dad. I still have to go through the very painful
process of having everyone get used to me though, and it can give you
bad thoughts about yourself at times. But in the end, you always have
to think to yourself that at least you’re being yourself. At least
you’re not lying about who you are. Then all those morons who’ll
scream to you in the streets that you’re ugly, or that you suck, or
whatever; can all go fuck themselves. I find beauty in who i am
inside, and i will always stand by who i am, and not live my life
based on what you want me to be. Because that would be a life not
worth living to me.

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About Get a Grip

Code monkey. Opinionated.

3 responses to “Anxiety disorder, dysphoria and transgender social issues”

  1. colormeanew says :

    “I feel that my body is not my own. I feel it doesn’t represent
    me. I feel like i live inside of a lie. A lie i want to break free
    from.” to “I find beauty in who i am
    inside, and i will always stand by who i am, and not live my life
    based on what you want me to be. Because that would be a life not
    worth living to me.”
    that is truly wonderful. you really must love yourself first 🙂

  2. Chase Christopher says :

    I have the exact same issues but I’m a ftm trans. It feels so nice to know that there’s people out there struggling with the same things as you.

    • jennaisme says :

      We’re all in this together. And even for cis gender people, life can be a struggle. The best we can do is to be honest with ourselves, and keep struggling.

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