Day 110: More trans talk
In today’s post:
More transsexual issues. Much of nothing. And some Billy West
Some emotional updates – Transsexual
I feel like i want to express how i feel emotionally, because i think i can point out a few more things that just make me feel really bad.
I live at home with my family, and about a year ago, i came out to them! I decided that i would take the first step towards accepting myself. However.. Although the initial response seemed good, i later got a lot of signals and comments that just made me feel ashamed of myself and horrible about myself.
First of, my mom advice me not to dress the way i want, because dad apparently has a lot of issues with it. She also later (Around a month after i had come out) said that her siblings would have issues with it, so when they’re there, i shouldn’t dress the way i want. So already, i felt very stifled, and it had only been a month. Basically, mom said that i shouldn’t dress the way i want, because half the family would not be able to accept me for who i am, and it would just make things needlessly complicated.
I kept dressing up and keeping a low profile for a few weeks after having been told all that, but just felt incredibly bad about myself, so i just said “fuck it” and stopped trying to be open about who i am. So i went back to feeling bad, if not worse about myself. And now i can’t even summon the courage to bring that up..
I feel ashamed about myself, i feel like an annoyance, and i feel scared. I can’t even bring that up anymore. I can’t talk about myself anymore, to my family. I can’t bring up that one simple thing about myself. And as long as i live here, i’m never going to feel better.
Writing it down makes me feel better.
I’ve done nothing. Well.. Minor programming and trying to play some minecraft. But i just can’t get into minecraft anymore. Maybe it was just a novelty that worn off. I’m not sure.
But that’s about it, really.
Next week, i’ll be going down to the doctor again, after not having been there for two weeks. Going to see about my swollen leg. And tomorrow.. I’m not sure. Nothing much, i suppose.
I know that this Monday’s gonna be great. Hopefully, i’ll get a time with a psychiatrist. Can’t wait. I have so much i need to talk about.
Billy West, the voice of futurama and much more, on Penn’s sundayschool! Very funny!