Day 98: Not a part of the family
In today’s post:
Transsexual thoughts. Lots of writing. Music program updates. And augmented reality concept short.
My transsexual dilemma
I feel a bit torn.. Like i explained in a earlier post, i feel that i will split this family. I either want to be open to everyone in my family (And everyone on earth), which includes their friends and everything, or distance myself from my family as a whole. Which includes instances of me being alone with them somewhere. I really hate having to hide my transsexuality. Which i am pretty much forced to do now. So it’s a hard thing for me to deal with. It could also be that i’m over thinking things, and making myself into a victim. I should be very wary of the possibility that that is what i’m doing.
Still, i can’t help but to wonder exactly how many around my family’s going to be able to accept me for who i am, and what my closest family members will say to me, in regards to everyone else in the family.
Reason why i’m thinking so much about this right now, is because my mom is having a party at home. And we’re like, 30 or more here. So it’s quite big. A lot of family, friends and friends of friends. And to wrap up my thoughts on my transsexuality on this matter (Which is weird to do when you’ve started a new paragraph, but oh well), i’m just wondering if i’m going to get a lot of people in my family, telling me that they’re ashamed, and that they want me to hide it from others. Because if i get that, then so be it. I’ll simply have to distance myself. I’m not going to hide forever.
Been sitting in my room for the most part, contemplating about my situation. I don’t really feel like socializing when i don’t really know what people really think of me. Not that many out there (In the house right now) really know about my transsexuality, but i feel like i don’t want to get used to being with them, if they’re just going to dismiss me later.. Maybe it’s wrong of me to think like that though. Another thing i think could be a factor is gender dysphoria. I really don’t like how other women get to dress up, and i don’t. I think i wrote more about exactly what situation i’m in, but basically, i’m just respecting the wish of my mom who asked me not to dress up around dad. Which i will do while i live at them. Plain and simple.
Anyway.. Huge digression there. Kind of disjointed. But oh well. Been writing a lot today. With this entry, it’s three posts in one day. Damn.. My fingers are burning! Other than that.. I’ve pretty much just been sitting here, being depressed for the most part.
Music program update
Did a little more on the music program too. Now i have some kind of framework, and i can actually start making the full interface for it with HTML/JS/CSS. Fun times to be had with that. Finally some graphical stuff, as opposed to fixing linking issues and what not. Nothing new to really show yet though. But i will have something in due time, i’m sure.
Well, it’s sunday.. And people are going to be party sick tomorrow. So i guess i will just relax. Seems like a good idea. Oh, and on monday, i’ll have the 100th daily entry! I should do something special about that. Compile some pictures and videos, i think.