Day 57: Nostalgia gone bad!
I think that makes 14 days of training now. Feels great going through with it. Thinking about stepping things up now, and include a brisk walk in the forest most if not every morning from now on too. Then maybe make myself do a few more toe-ups, etc..
Earlier today, i went down to the river. A nice new place i had never been to before. Just sat there for a few minutes.. and then i did something i should have done a long time ago. I threw away the chocolate pieces that i had on me. Right in the river, and threw the damn trash in it too (I almost always put trash where it should be. But for my own psyche, i thought i’d litter the planet a little. A moment of selfishness). I am so sick and tired of hardly getting anything out of eating sweets or snacks anymore. I’m so fucking tired of it making me feel worse. Because it does.. Making my body used to not eating shit everyday’s gonna be hell, and i will feel very depressed and sad for at least a week.. But it’s worth it. I’ve had enough. It is time to dish out that old discipline and start losing weight for real.
I’ve also been thinking a little about death and all that. How dependent i am of my mother and my family. How setting off in the world will be much harder because of how i’ve lived for about three years now. But i realize i have no rights to complain. I have a friend who lost her dad a few months ago. I mean. How disrespectful am i, to feel saddened and depressed by the inevitable end we shall all face. I’ve thought about a number of things that is making me feel depressed by thoughts on the future.. and when i think logically, i can come up with: Being stuck in “limbo” for so long (Same shit, all day), eating a lot of things that are bad for me, the stressed caused by being in this situation, a lot of things i am just now starting to deal with (My knees, legs, teeth, gender issue, social aspect), and to top it off.. anxt from school. Will i get in? Who knows!??
But yea. There’s no wonder i feel the way i do. When i take a long hard look at it. So i shouldn’t blame myself for it too much. One of the main issues is that i am in “limbo”. Nostalgic feelings and thinking about how i’ve fealt before in previous situations in my life, has become common place. There’s very little new i am creating. My life is very much a nostalgia trip gone bad. And that’s not good. I need to step out of it and become all i can be. I’ve only just started, and i got a tough road ahead of me. But i need to stay strong. With the help of my friends and family, i shall make it!
Tomorrow, i was thinking about contacting some of my friends and see if they’re in town (I think two of them are actually), and we could catch up! So that’ll be interesting and fun!
I will totally play live-a-live too. I realize that i have been playing a lot of games that are nostalgic for me… And.. Yea.. What i just said. So i don’t think i will be playing too much Roller coaster tycoon (Although i did play quite a bit of it today. Was a lot of fun, as per usual). Embrace what little new i can get in my current situation!
My brother and i watched this really funny video yesterday: