Day 16: little by little, a note to myself
My mom just left my room, after i had cried in her embrace.. It just got too much, the combination of actually having some amount of back pain, and the stress emanating from there. Feels a little better now after having talked about it and just let it out.
Tomorrow, i’m going to head for the work offices, and talk about eventual short term internship on some company. Any, really. You know.. Just get out there, and strengthen my will. Stop the stress. Then this weekend, i’m going to be with my brother for a while. Play some games and try to have some fun.
I knew all of this would happen. So it’s not like i’m surprised that i’m finding myself in this situation. It’s what happens when you try to ignore and avoid it for a long time. Instead of tackling my fears of social interaction when i fealt much better than i do now, i’m doing it right now instead.
One of the biggest issues is that my irrational side is running loose. I need to tell it to shut the fuck up, and stop thinking about “what if?!?!?” and stuff. No, it’s a hard time for me right now. A lot of people are going through depression from the lack of getting anywhere in their lives. And if you’re going to take anything from me today, i want you to look at yourself, and think about whether or not you’re avoiding an impeding issue or not. Something you’re going to have to tackle eventually. Because doing it now is a heck of a lot better than to do it later, and taking the help of those you love is only logical. So do that.
Otherwise, you’re gonna end up like me. A broken person who’s afraid of being around others, feeling stressed and cries from all the internal pressure.
But like i said.. It’s a step. It is getting better and better. I have a lot of help that will help me get on the right track again. Think positively, and stop the brain from thinking about what ifs and all that stupid fucking bullshit. You know, i’m going to get mad at myself and express anger from it. Basically, to discipline myself. You hear that, Jenna? Stop it!!! Stop doing that!!! You’ll dig yourself out of this situation, and that’s that!! Grab a shovel, and start digging!! There are people on the surface, that are willing to help you, and will be there for you, always! So there! Take that, and go with it! We’re climbing a mountain tomorrow.
So yes.. It feels hard and tough. But i need to stay strong. The earlier parts of the day was a bit better though. Went for a relaxing walk in the sun while listening to some Penn Radio.
Added another character to the pic i’m making. So that feels good.
I’m not very good at drawing or anything, but i still think this one has improved me quite a bit, at least on character poses. T he middle one with the last two will be the most challenging ones. Not gonna spoil what they’ll do though.
So yea.. Like i said. Tomorrow, things will get better. Gonna take my bike to a mountain nearby, after having visited the employment offices. It won’t be easy, but i need to keep on digging. Life will get better for me soon, i just know it! Stay positive. No more depression or bad comments or anything! From now on, it’s all about being positive!
I’ll leave off with this very cool thing i watched yesterday