Archive | April 2012

Day 9: Silence and the spirit

Last night, i felt as if i was going to die. I just didn’t know what to do. That’s how stressed i was. Felt my body protesting my mind’s fear, by almost shutting down. Is what it felt like at least.
But i think i’ve figured it out, and i feel kind of excited to try out something.. And i know this will sound stupid, but i lack willpower. As soon as i feel even a little like “Oh, i can’t sleep” — Even the tiniest bit of it — i wake up and use the computer.. Oh, gee.. Wonder if that could have anything to do with it. You know, this irrational fear of the silence, and not having a distraction. INstead of dealing with the issues, i distract myself to forget about them instead…

No, i think it’s best if i shut down my PC instead, and enjoy the silence that comes from the night.. A silence i have long since forgotten.
Anyway! So i feel like maybe with this.. Maybe if i have some willpower to change this around, to become more energetic and stressfree, i can also become happier.. Needless to say, i suppose! xD

So i feel like i have some fighting spirit right now. Feels kind of good. Reason why i’m writing this now, and not later like i usually do, is because i aim to just sit around, relaxing all day today. So nothing’ll happen. Just a report on my mental health. It may be hard at first, and it may not even work all the time.. But i must try it, because i know in the long run, it will be for the better. To not be bound by weird rituals that served to distract me from myself.

I’ll be mostly watching slimkirby’s mario party LPs.. Those are long, with a commentary from a man whose voice is easy to listen to.

Day 8: Moving on

I’ve decided that it’s best if i delete my minecraft files and uninstall it. That, and being generally stressed is all i’ve done today.. So yea. :/

Day 7: Sunrise

I fell asleep around 6:30am last night, and got to see the sunrise before finally dosing off. Been having a bit of a hard time falling asleep. I should make an effort.. and i will make an effort, to satisfy my entertainment needs and all intellectual stimulations everyday so i can be satisfied around 6pm, go to bed around 9pm or so, and fall asleep easily.. Hope i can figure something out.

I feel sorry for my mom. She’s having a hard time as well. Only, she has a physically demanding job she needs to go to. I do admire that though. That she has that power. While i sit at home, mooching and being worried about not having that good blood circulation in my body, getting stressed about it and just.. Well.. being silly. As much of a proselytizer i am of rational thought, i sure am very irrational when it comes to my own mental and physical health. I’ve long thought that i had hypocondria, and i suspect that i do. Which sucks.

Either way.. Overall. Dispite being woken up by a massive tinnutus attack when almost falling asleep last night, and feeling all around powerless, i feel like i’m doing some progress.. Hopefully, this whole stressful mess will be over soon.

But yea.. Now i’m going to enjoy some hotdogs (Probably lukewarm now though) and watch some videos. Skype and twitter are turning off around 11pm or so(?), so that i can take my time to relax. I need to keep my spirit up, dispite all the shit!! YESSS!!

Speaking of twitter. This canadian songstress and i had some tweeting back and forth last night. Which was kind of cool. She makes good songs.
 

Day 6: I can haz up?

First of all. I feel much better today. I hope that this marks a point where i’ll start feeling better again. Still stressed and all that, but eh.. At least i’m not sad or anything.

Done nothing productive today. Played minecraft and went for a shorter walk. That’s it. Mostly been trying to relax. While walking in the forest though, i started thinking about something. I happen to live on a higher ground, on the foot of a mountain (mt.ren), and i have about 50 or less steps to get a somewhat good view of the town.. However.. Maybe 50 more steps or less, you could double your view of the city. That being said. I’m convinced that they did everything in their power to limit such a view. A clear view. Because there’s always a few trees or a house in the way!! So annoying!
I hope that made sense.. xD

Anyway.. It’s a very nice late spring weather right now. Almost summer-like. But i think this time of year is a little blue for people around me. Everyone seem tired and somewhat saddned. I guess it has to do with the pollen of the blooming greens. Personally, i’m not allergic to it. Which is good, because the scent is just fantastic. Totally fabulous.

I guess i have to leave off with something for my dear reader(s). A pic of my derpy green pig! Very cute!! ❤

Image

Day 5: Sadness

5 days of blogging. At the moment, i’m feeling very sad. Tears coming out.. It feels so hopeless right now. During the day, i was distracting myself with minecraft and “The critic” and right now, i’m thinking too much. I should try to look at things possitivly. Well.. Hopefully, i can feel better tomorrow. I really wish i had someone to turn to right now.

 

The critic:

Day 4: Melancholy

4th entry of my daily blog. End of april, and summer is getting closer and closer.
Sure it was a cold day today, but we are getting a lot of summer atmosphare now, and it’s kind of nice. I need some warmth right about now.

I applied for 3 CNC jobs today. Been feeling a little dizzy, tired and all around stressed. But enough about that. I was thinking a little about the Gorillaz breakup today, and i figured.. They’ve hardly done anything. Don’t get me wrong. I love what they have done. But it seems that they were just getting started. I’ll miss getting new music from them.
Other than that, i started on a new minecraft tekkit save file. We’ll see how long that’ll last. 

Gonna keep this one short, as i don’t have much to share at the moment. Gonna try and relax for a moment now.

Forcing a mindset

This is day 3 of life blogging. Just three days, and i’m already starting to lose count. Hah! Lack of sleep surely makes a dent on your memory, doesn’t it?
I probably fell asleep around 5am or so last night. Couldn’t sleep due to stress. That being said, although i was angry and just cranky this morning, it’s been a pretty somber day. Not much stress going on.

Been listening a lot to a song by IZ called “White sandy beach”. It makes me just want to sit on a beach in hawaii for a year or two. To forget about everything, and just focus on your thoughts. That’s actually something that comes up in my mind now and then. To escape day to day life for a year or so, and live a life outside of my comfort zone. I’d would like to live my entire life that way, but at the moment, i’m too fearful of what might happen. Just irrational fear, really. Then there’s also the money issues..

Perhaps i should try to learn to let go. I’m not sure if i was meant to live my life, thinking about my future, and what i should do (I just don’t like it). It’s forced upon me now, by the obligation i feel from my parents and my country (Since i’m getting money from the tax payers to be able to find a job), but as soon as i don’t have those to feel obligated towards, i will be able to let go? Or perhaps that is just me being delisional. Maybe i will find some other reasons to feel stressed? I think my main issue is that i think about the future too much. I just thought of that now actually. I’ll give it some thought, and get back to you.

Anyway! Thinking aside! I applied for yet another CNC job today, so that made me feel good. That i’m actually doing something. Other than that, i’ve been spending time outside, walking, contemplating; spent time on the PC, sorting through my “pocket” account (Former “read it later”) to unread 100 messages. It’s always fun to build up a queue of things you’re going to watch or read later, and then take a day where you go through everything. Highly recommend it.

Then i saved a few pictures from my deviantart favorites to my dropbox, and listened a few minutes to a nerdist episode guesting Penn. That’s it! All i’ve done today. My days are very uneventful. I do hope i will get to start my next day earlier than 1pm tomorrow though.

*******

The artist who wrote that song is called “IZ”. A hawaiian musican:

Then i also just heard a very strange mashup of “feel good inc” and “somebody i used to know”. Two songs i like:

http://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F22952719&show_artwork=true

I’m sort of indifferent to it.

http://www.nerdist.com/2012/04/nerdist-podcast-penn-jillette/ Huge fan of Penn. Very interesting person

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